I was pondering yesterday how much anger I felt towards my spouse during my affair. It was not until this anger dissipated that I was able to return home.

I notice that other WS also feel a lot of anger towards their spouses.

Is this because of the needs that werent met by them or some form of justifying their affairs?

What do you think?

Debra, I would like an answer to that too.

WW and I were actually able to talk and cohabitate pleasantly. When I discovered the internet EA, she became less pleasant. When I discovered the PA, she became hell on wheels.

She admitted to the me and our MC that she started becoming angry in the beginning of May. That is also when the phone calls from Internet BF started.

She now is angry about everything. Some things she has a right to be angry about.

She has said she found justification on this site for DV. That an unhappy marriage is not good for the kids, and good reason to DV.

I agree that an unhappy marriage is not ideal for kids. But also believe two parents are better than the alternative. And also believe we should make the marriage "happy".

I have given up trying for that. She is consumed by OM, and fantasy that goes along with it.

Debbra,

I have wondered the same thing.

I think it is along the lines of what Jesus said about 'no man can serve two masters- he will love the one and hate the other...'

If they try to justify the adultery they have to pretend to themselves that the spouse is a bad person etc.


Especially if the sppouse is doing a plan A, they can't


Knowing one is doing wrong and feeling resentful b/c we don't want to have to feel bad/guilty...

If they try to justify the adultery they have to pretend to themselves that the spouse is a bad person etc.

I dont know that I ever thought of my spouse as a bad person. What I did become painfully aware of was the needs I had that were being fulfilled by the OM that he had neglected to fulfil for a long while. I always continued being "nice" to my spouse, taking nicely to him but simply refusing to act as a wife, but he was continually LBing. Im wondering if it was his LBing that made me angry....I wonder how different things would have been if he'd had MB.

So...that three of us with the question...anyone think they might have the answer?

That was an interesting biblical quote about serving to masters.

I never interpreted it that way, but it certainly applies.

I also think "master" is a good term. OM controls my WW utterly, it is shameful and pathetic to watch. She calls and calls and calls waiting for him to get home.

Guilt, it's because of guilt.

Who likes feeling guilty? No one. Replace it with anger. The amount of anger one feels is inversely proportional to the amount of guilt they feel and anger always feels justified. It's the very essence of the emotion.

As well, a guy named Tacticus astutely made the observation 2000 some odd years ago: "It is human nature to hate those we injure"

Binder, my WW must be one very guilt ridden woman. Somehow, it doesn't feel that way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Tom,

Yes, I think the same thing will shortly be the downfall of the OW in our case.

My husband was looking for freedom; he felt trapped by the marriage I think- but he fell into a much worse snare.

There is nothing he hates more than being manipulated and controlled. He is finally starting to see that she has been sublty gaining control over him.

Look at what Proverbs 7 says about her:

(same can apply to the male counterpart)


That they may keep thee from the strange woman, from the stranger which flattereth with her words. In the twilight, in the evening, in the black and dark night: subtil of heart .
(She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house: with the flattering of her lips she forced him.
He goeth after her straightway, as an ox goeth to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks; she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her .
Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.


I think that is why it is wiser to forgo the relationship talk , tears, pleading etc.

I am going to say something a bit sexist here, but it is this womans perspective:
It might be different in the case of a woman who strays - some of us like a certain amount of leadership in a man... if I was straying, I think I would possibly like it if my husband went after me and told the OM to get lost.

But I am maybe not like some women nowadays.

Shul

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Binder:
<strong> The amount of anger one feels is inversely proportional to the amount of guilt they feel and anger always feels justified.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Binder, I think you meant "proportional" not "inversely proportional." Right?

Not having been a WS, I can only speculate on the reason for the anger, but by observing my WS and reading about others here, it seems to be a universal trait.

I was intriqued by Debbrs'a statement:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I did become painfully aware of was the needs I had that were being fulfilled by the OM that he had neglected to fulfil for a long while. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe this is a piece of it from a WS's perspective. It seems to fit with the thought that the WS is angry because the BS "made" him/her get into this mess, i.e., the BS is somehow responsible for the WS's decision participate in an affair.

My WS was livid because she made the decision that she had to move out:

Me: Why are you angry with me because you're moving out?

WW: YOU'RE MAKING ME DO IT!!!

Me: Huh? No I'm not, I want us to recover our marriage.

WW: I'm NOT having an affair!! I'm in love with OM!! What part of that don't you understand??? I HAVE to move out because it was YOUR decision NOT to leave!!!

Me: (Scotty - please beam her up!)

In the end, I think Binder is right. It all comes down to psychological projection or blame shifting - with a healthy dose of delusion.

Wow, great posts everyone. It just made me realize that when I did something nice for my WW or one of her friends that it would almost instantly turn on the anger/hate spiggot. Then I could count on some very angry email or some ridiculous comment.

Wow, great posts everyone. It just made me realize that when I did something nice for my WW or one of her friends that it would almost instantly turn on the anger/hate spiggot. Then I could count on some very angry email or some ridiculous comment.

Cymanca,

I think it is called, 'heaping coals of fire on their heads...'
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


We are to return love for hate, pray for those who persecute us...

To clarify.

Yes the amount of initial guilt will be proportional to the subsequent anger, but the amount of anger one feels will be inversely proportional to the amount of guilt one feels. i.e. the angrier you are, the less guilty you feel.

When Mr. Pep was a WH, he remained nice-as-pie during his affair....
and I think the reason he was able to do this....

He was also drunk as a skunk most of the time!

"comfortably numb"

The WS anger???? I think it is because he/she is ill-at-ease.... completely off balance in his/her life...


A life off kilter makes most of us fearful....
and FEAR is uusually the emotional root of this type of anger...

Pep

Tom:

""I've finally realized now, that you just have to keep breathing. Tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring." Tom Hanks (Castaway, 2000)"

I love this 2uote. I remember it clearly from the movie.

A great movie. Lots of important growth stuff dealt with in a very adult fashion.

My W was angered by something I 2uoted Greg Baer ("The Truth About Relationships") saying:

"Remember, when you are angry, you are wrong."

She didn't agree that you're always wrong when you're angry. And I believe she didn't because she misunderstood what Baer was saying.

He meant that, by attacking others and forcing them 2 take a defensive stance, you're precluding any intelligent discussion of your differences.

You won't get what you want from arguments with those around you because you'll never address the issues - only brandish your weapons.

"Fire all of your guns at once and explode in2 space" -Steppenwolf "Born 2 be wild"

Which sounds good on vinyl, but really: Would we be better off glowing from radiation damage in the hard vacuum of space?

-ol' 2long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>The WS anger???? I think it is because he/she is ill-at-ease.... completely off balance in his/her life...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was the thought I've been trying to find all day for this topic.

Here's another way of saying it, I think:

WS anger indicates turmoil. That it's typically aimed at the BS means only that the BS is an easy target. The more anger, the more turmoil.

As is my habit, trying to find the positive in seemingly negative indicators:

WS anger indicates WS turmoil. Turmoil surrounding an affairee can only be good for the demise of the affair. So for BSs, take heart in the anger your WS aims at you - the more the better!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

WAT

Or as Penny has said 2 me "If the WS is angry with you, it usually means you're doing something right."

-ol' 2long

What 2Long said I agree with. When they're angry it usually means you're doing something right. I remember throwing a 40th surprise party for my W on a grand scale for a man of my means. Band, balloons, cake, singing telegram, flowers you name it. Her response was "you didn't invite my pool team". This was held as her only memory of the party. At the time I had no idea she was in love with the pool guy.