Hey all..

What are the odds this was going to happen?

Me and my FWW went out to eat FRI. After we left the restaraunt she asked if I wanted to go dancing and shoot pool.
I thought "Not really a good idea but I want my wife to be happy and not kill a great evening"
So we go,, My wife was looking just knock down gorgeous that evening and I kept thinking "This is the atmosphere where she met her OM,, oh well at least I am here with her and thats all that matters.
We danced and had a suprisingly great time.
All of this changed when guess who shows up,,,,,,?
Not her OM but the girl I had my revenge ONS with.
As soon as I realized it was her I was telling my wife "Lets go" She wouldnt leave, next thing I know My wife makes 2 attempts to attack the OW.
I am holding her back,,,, man it was embarassing.. A few other guys think that I am some kinda woman beater so the approach me in an agressive manner. I explained to them this is my wife and I am not trying to hurt her I am trying to keep her from hitting the OW.
I kept begging my wife to get in the car and lets go home. She refused to leave. She sat down at a table and said I am not leaving.
So I got upset walked out of the place and proceeded to walk 10 miles to our house.
I ended up staying the night at my brothers house.
This whole thing has really affected me to the point that I realize me and my wife have made decisions that have affected our whole way of life. I mean it could have just as easily been her OM that showed up, but I was prepared for that because I thought about it before we went there. I told myself that I would just tell my wife we need to leave. My wife acted like a lunatic, never saw her like that before.
Anyways,,, the whole ordeal has bummed me out and I am feeling pretty depressed and hopeless about our future.

Eric, could you help me with some of the details please, I mean you completely left out what you had for dinner. I'm not sure how anybody can reply to this, without knowing where you went, and what you ate. Or maybe that is just me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'll try anyways. I have this fear of, running into them, him, OM. My H would react I'm sure like your W. Embarrassing for sure, but the guilt I would feel for making him so out of control, yuck!!!!

You are right, the future is now changed for us all, it all contains the after affects of an A.

It is all about how we choose to handle it. I'm not liking the idea that 2 years or 8 years from now, this will still be in our lives. I just want it to disappear, but it won't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We just need to work through it, live with it, learn from it!!!

Seriously you walked 10 miles, ouch... Did she try and find you?? I hope you ate dessert, because if you was going to be walking 10 miles, than you have no guilt.

Ky

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

Ky -

There you go with the food obsession again! Have you ever considered a cooking show of your own? You would be great at that! But good for us that you are here instead.

Eric -

I tended bar for 10 years and used to see that type of stupid behaviour all the time. Booze and people having relationship issue's don't mix, especially combined with that type of atmosphere.

I very rarely go to the bar anymore, and when I do I am very picky about which bar I go to. I've had enough of witnessing that type of crap to last me a lifetime.

Hang in there guy - it will get better.

Weaver

eric -

Having just gone through an episode like that (with me flipping out and screaming at the OW), I can relate to your wife.

Now is the time to apologize to her for your part in this mess.

And please don't say that is not fair. Someone has to start on the path to heal your marriage.

well....
Yea I left out some details,,,, as far as my wife trying to find me,, yes she did but I did not want to hear from anyone I was in my own little world so to speak.
she called my Best friend, and he and his wife were out looking for me as well.
My wife called my sister at 1:30 am and asked her if she had heard from me, my sister lashed out at her and said "this is all a result of your decision to screw another man,, if you would have taken care of your buisness at home this would not be happening,,, and she asked HOW DOES IT FEEL? and hung up on her. My sister did call the next day and apologize but she said it blind sided her and she was worried about me.
As far as what I had to eat,,, Chicken salad.
Kind of a funny thing was when I was walking by the interstate< I was just heads up walking not looking where I was going and fell right into a creek under an overpass,,,, I was soaking wet.
I think it was 3:00 am when I got home... wife was asleep on the couch,, I took one look at her then got in my truck and went to my brothers house.
This whole situation has affected so many people.
Also why would we go to a dance club?
Well on of my wifes NEEDS, is dancing and the night life,,, I am not into it but I am trying to compensate to fullfill her needs.
Before the affair I let her go with her best friend without me,,,,, heh heh what a [censored], it was only a matter of time before she met some other guy who liked that life, and the affair was underway. I am trying to be the OM I guess... I want to be the one shes dancing with and having a good time with. In all honesty we were having a great time until OW crashed the party.
I also remember thinking if her OM would have showed up I would have loved for him to see that I am what she wants,,, I am the one who is here with her,,, her husband wher I should have been in the first place.

Believer,,,
First thing next morning I told her I understood her reaction,,,, what I could not understand is why she would not leave with me,, I didnt demand her to leave I asked her repeatedly "Please lets just go" I went out of the door one time,,, stopped myself,, went back inside and asked her to please come with me,,, she replied F U!!!!
It was just so embarrasing all I could think about was getting out of there.

Hon, I embarrassed myself by yelling at OW "Why don't you get off your F'ing back, and go home and take care of your daughter?" And I'm still embarrassed 5 days later.

When women get angry, look out.

And I think if your wife like to go out dancing, you should go. But try to find another club.

Chicken Salad, oooh, aahhh, thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You fell in a creek. LOL, that is classic.

Impressive going dancing, for her.

Is it out of her system now??? The rage??

Believer,,,

This was a different club,,, it was not the place where she met her OM,,, it was like the OW was destined to show up there or something.
And yea,, my woman did yell out,,, how did you like f------ my husband. OW replied maybe if you would have been F------ him instead of that other guy I wouldnt have had to. Thats when wife snapped and I mean snapped.
Me and wife did talk about it,, she said she was sorry for not leaving when I was trying to get her to. I told her I was sorry she was in that situation to begin with.
It also had wife asking all those questions,,,,, "do you think she looks better than me" "was she better than me in bed" uuhhhgg.. talk about the shoe being on the other foot,,, I asked the same about her OM.
She also got depressed and said things like,,, your sister was right, this all happened because of my affair. I told her that no,,,,, it was all a result of the stupid decisions I made during our separation.
I mean we talked about it very calmly but Saturday and Sunday you could tell we were both dwelling on it.
I think u realize by me talking here I am still dwelling on it.

Kyellow,,

There have been no more outburst. I think since it was the first time she met the OW she just has all the questions she never asked. I accept that.
I had all the same questions. She is just not getting any sympathy from anyone but me. Even some of her family took the "it serves you right mentality" towards her. My only fear is I hope it does not spark a phone call to her OM to get his comfort.

OOOOOHHHHHH It could so spark that phone call. Express your fear, as respectfully as you can. Head it off at that pass. You are right on about that.

During my withdrawals,when something came up, I had to fight the urge to call.

It sounds like you guys had a great conversation, that needed to take place.
Hopefully that will take care of future out burst.

Did you W land one??? Or did you hold her back the entire time???? It got ugly, huh???

Sorry for your lousy weekend.
KY

Yellow,,

Yea it was ugly,,, yes wife did swing a few times but never hit OW. OW was with a buch of her girl friends and they were also between them.
As far as OM today is MONDAY which was the day she went to OM's house while I was at work so opportunity is there for contact. I didnt want to even bring OM up with her and I still have not. I dont even like to say his name. I think if I would have told her it was a concern it would have Love busted her and let her know of a good reason to repay me. I just hope its not even on her mind. If she makes contact I will know I have all my tabs in full force. What scares me is if she makes contact there will be no doubt it will re spark the very feelings that caused her to stray in the first place. OM knows her all to well he will work her back in to his bed. If this does happen she knows the consequences.
During our recovery we both have agreed if either one of us makes that decision again we are also making the decision we no longer wish to be married. I just pray it hit home with her.

Eric, We had a really crappy weekend too. Our little old Cocker Spaniel died on Friday at 12:00 pm and we are so sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Because he died before we could get to a good POJA on exactly how far we should go to save him even though he was old, we sat around all weekend second guessing ourselves. It was a sad situation but thinking that each of us had the "right" answer, the "right" way to handle this didn't help us to feel good together.

I'm sharing this because what happened to you and Autumn, Friday night was also an traumatic event for both of you. I guess it was a little of that agony on top of agony thing we talked about when you had the ONS. No matter, remember how initially she had little reaction to the news? She was pretty fogged those days, (not sooo long ago) Look where she is now!

Swinging at the OW, and you're having to hold her back? It sounds like one of those crazy stories you'll laugh about someday. Your sister's words on the other hand, not so funny but unfortunately they are words that ring true with Autumn. She does blame herself, she does feel bad and like a lot of BSs the OP provides a convenient target, especially when they're right there in the flesh. Of course, in reality the one she needs to deal with is YOU, but that's kind of tough when she blames herself so much. It's complex.

I'm curious why you stayed at your brother's house that night, you did go home first after all. You have to break this withdrawing habit thing you do, Eric. You KNOW that doesn't work! I mean it's YOUR OP who showed up not your wife's so why did you "punish" her by staying away, not letting anyone know where you are, letting everyone worry? Not cool.

Yeah, there are consequences to both of you having As but you can't just take off everytime you think there's a setback. You should be working towards being more of a team and by abandoning one member of the team b/c you can't deal with the scenario is not going to help you learn to operate together.

I'm sure it was terribly embarrassing but your wife was making a stand and that stand was for YOU. It's called progress, Eric. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You both need to sit down and draw up an agreement for how you're both going to handle this sort of thing in the future, how you are going to handle disagreements. (POJA it) It seems to me that when FWW wants to be willful you trigger right back into the old withdrawal thing, with the result being that both of you lose. Don't let this become more of a habit than it already is.

Instead of getting ticked that she wouldn't back off, and wouldn't listen to you,(willfulness, even if it was a good cause <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) you could see it positively. She was defending HER territory against OW, that territory being YOU and YOUR marriage. You wouldn't even be thinking about her running to OM for comfort today if you had not gotten fed up AND dissapeared for the night. Being/feeling fed up is okay but you need to think about how you handle that feeling.

Talk about ways you can get around this in the future. You both need to bend here. Make a plan, talk about how you FEEL/FELT without blaming each other.

What happened, happened Eric. The A's are OVER. Now try to work towards making healthy behavior choices that don't end up causing you regret in the future. That's the WORST feeling of all to live with.

BTW, I do have to thank you for giving my only laugh in four days. I can just picture you, storming along, head up only to face plant right into the creek. I hope you could see the irony of it and allowed yourself at least a chuckle. I just laughed and laughed myself, sorry! (Not!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> KB

KB,,,

Nice to hear from you, and as usual you are correct. I know I need to quit the brothers house thing, even he has told me this.
I just felt so humiliated,,, yes I know totally my fault. I dont blame wife one bit for how she acted toward OW. When I first saw she was there I knew it was not going to be pretty.
You make a great point that it is a good sign she showed emotion,, I know she is over OM.
Now my affair gets to hit home, I just wish we could have some normality not our old ways but just a day when we wake up and it is not on our minds. Wife called earlier and wanted to know if I was mad at her. I told her no I just want this off of our shoulders, I want just us without any of the OP coming to mind.
KB,, I really was having a great time that night, I felt so good to be there with her and not The OM. She was also proud to have me there and was having a great time.
Maybe it takes just a hard hit with a hammer on the head to get some points across.
I think I was more mad that a great evening was turned into a nightmare. Justified??? YES I know my wife was.
She said she is through with all of this today on the phone... she said she is ready to just move on with our relationship and not look back at our mistakes. Thats what I want also,, so why is it so hard.
The only excuse I have for going to brothers house that night was fear of facing my wife while she was so mad. I did not know how she would feel in the morning toward me. She was knocking on brothers door at first light, and apologizing to me. I do love her and I hope we can eventually go out in public without worrying about these OP.
It was real nice to hear from you KB,,, been a while. Thanks for your (as allways helpful advice) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Eric N.,

Wow. I see a great opportunity here. If I were you, this is what I would do:

1) LOVINGLY reiterate to your spouse that your revenge/ONS/moment of indiscretion was NOT her fault. Analogy: She brings home Mickey Ds to feed the family. You have a Mickey Ds near work and are darn tired of it. So you decide to go out and get BK instead to break the monotony. How can her ACTION of bringing home Mickey Ds possibly be to blame for your CHOICE of going to BK. Her ACTION was only a small contribution to your mental state, but your CHOICE was still your CHOICE.

2) LOVINGLY reiterate that you both have made some recent BAD CHOICES that have hurt your marriage. Remind her that the only people who have the best interests of your marriage at heart are the two of you. It really is Eric N. and Wife against the world.

3) Tell her that the two of you need to be a team and to be an effective team you need to listen to each other. Tell her you cannot imagine how hard Friday night was for her. Tell her that YOU will need HER help and wisdom if the two of you go out and run into the OM and that you learned that sometimes you will have to listen to her wisdom to avoid a bad choice. That is what a team does. Tell her that with all the pain SHE has been through, it is easy to see how she forgot that. Tell her that is OK. Tell her that both of you will make mistakes, which is why you need to lean on each other in times of need. Tell her that after all you have been through, this is just a setback and not the end of the game. Tell her you won’t quit on her.

4) Tell her you love her, regardless.

5) Then MEAN it and show her.

NCWalker

Eric, I haven't been around much at all for different reasons, but I do always keep an eye out for you two. You know, I sort of think you're kind of a romantic couple. You are SO fighting FOR each other, it's amazing. Autumn has doggedly hung in there from the start and you just keep bouncing back up everytime you fall. You guys are pretty neat!

Something I forgot to say before, is that NO ONE likes to have their failures thrown up in their face and for Autumn to have everybody in the bar hear the abbreviated version from the OW of all people, must have been absolutly horrible. That has got to be the worst case OW scenario! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know I was sort of beating you up in the earlier post but I also know that you always do the right thing in the end. Don't want to see you stumble again! I know you want to move on, you both do, but you must examine yourselves carefully.

Episodes like this can serve to bring you closer together, because there really is no recovery shortcut, as much as we wish there could be. Don't be quick to bury your feelings, ask yourself why you feel the way you do and you may find out some surprising things about yourself. That applies to both of you, BTW. You will grow through this no matter what, just make sure it's together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One of the reasons my H and I were able get it together was our openess to change ourselves, we weren't just hell bent on changing each other. If you ever met us in real life, you'd realize that is a very tall order! Personal recovery is really, really important and doesn't/can't take stepchild status to marriage building. Check Kat 72's thread out on Recovery Board for some more thoughts on this. There are some interesting comments on that thread. Hang in there, and say hi to Autumn for me, I'm there if she wants to talk. KB

NC, KB,

I know Friday was a set back, I am really not mad at my wife at all over her reactions. I am more in the guilt mode.
I told my wife last night during one of our very long conversations that I am not even thinking of how this whole thing got set in motion. I told her that it was my turn to be the one to apologize for my actions,,, she simply will not accept that it is my fault. She allways goes back to "If I had been faithful to you I know you would not have been with her" She also went on to say she was sorry for ending my hobbies, like Golf, fishing, Motocross,,, she said "you have not done any of these things since you found out about my affair and its killin me" "I know you love these things". I responded by telling her all of these things are a very distant 2nd to my wife and children, and that is where I feel all of my attention needs to be.
I mean we are both in guilt now,, we both want to take the blame for what happened Friday.
I bought my 4 yr old his first dirt bike last week,,, man the kid is a natural, it was such a great feeling to watch him get on that thing and ride like it was 2nd nature to him.
I am telling you about this because things have not been very bad between us,, we have some great times during our recovery. Friday took us back down the ladder but not to the beginning.
I have my moments, and visions still, but nothing like I did,,say,, 2 months ago. I dont feel its my hurt thats the burden anymore. We are both looking at ourselves and reflecting on how we are where we are.
Before her affair we bought some land to start building a new house on,,, we have put that on hold. We had plans for our 5 YR wedding anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks,,, we put that on hold.
We both know we want each other, yet we both have these insecure feelings about our marriage.
I tell myself its all part of the process. I tell my the same thing.
KB,, We are a great match, when her affair was exposed our friends and family were in shock. They have all said, they could see this happening to some other marriages but not me and Autumn.
They all say we are the perfect couple. I think Autumn and I felt the same way. We are still trying to accept that it happened, its over, we can still be great. We just both look back at all the great times and they are hindered by infidelity. We can never erase that from our marriage,,, the one big thorn that will allways remain in our marriage.
I cant help but think about what my DAD told me.
He loved my Mother he dealt with her affair for 2yrs but it still ate at him until he finally raised the white flag. WILL THIS HAPPEN TO US? It seems the only way to truly find out is time.

eric - You are doing fine. You will move forward from this. It was not pleasant, but is over. So lead your wife toward recovery.

Believer,

Thank you,,,
I know we are doing good, especially when I think of where I was a couple of months ago. I think I just need to quit looking at the "what if's" and be more positive.