My H's EA ended about 3+ months ago and we've been working on the recovery of our marriage since. At first, things were very rocky. It was difficult for me to get over the pain and anger, but with time and counseling it has gotten much better. We have been more open and honest and we are actually getting along well right now and I can feel a lot of love between us. Sometimes, I feel myself pulling back though because I'm afraid that one day it will all come back crashing down and I'm afraid I get hurt again. It's like I always have this little "back-door" open for myself.

My husband has stated that he wishes to have a child with me. He is very serious about this and I know that he would be a good and loving father. I have always wanted to have a baby, but for some reason I'm so scared now. I know this probably sounds silly to you all here since so many of you have children and I was sort of hesitant to post this, but there is really nobody else that I can talk to about this (maybe counselor?). My husband is a very visual person and I try to take good care of myself because I know that physical attraction means much to him, plus I like being healthy and fit.

Having been through this this EA with him, has made me feel very insecure, eventhough I have no idea with OW looked like. I'm wondering about what kind of impact a baby is going to have on me, my self-esteem, body, our sex life etc. I know that this probably sounds very conceided to everyone here and I'm almost ashamed of asking this, but I have thought a lot about those things. I have heard some terrible things from other women and I figured they were in healthy relationships. What kind of impact is this going to have on a recovering marriage? I have shared my worries/concerns with my husband and he thinks that I'm crazy. He said that he loves me and having a baby with me would make him the happiest man in the world. He comes from a large family and he's been telling me all about feedings, diapering etc. I think he would be a good and pro-active dad. I feel almost silly when I tell him about my concerns, but I also want him to know those things because if I'm not honest, then it will definitely impact the recovery of my marriage. My husband wants to take our marriage to the next step; he would like to have a family and while this is one of my own biggest wishes, I don't understand why I'm so hesitant now.

Please send your advice. I would really appreciate it.

Kati

WH 45
BS (me) 35
D-Day (EA) Aug. 2003
Recovery

Kati, ask your husband to wait one more year and then decide.

Your M is still too vulnerable, and the baby will not make it less so. A baby will make it harder for you to meet your H's needs.

GC

That is exactly what I'm afraid of. My husband was in a very long-term EA. It started almost eight years ago and was off again, on again. Whenever things were rough, it would start up again.

I'm concerned that the stresses of a new baby, becoming parents etc. could trigger all this again. But then those stresses would be there in a year as well.

We have worked a lot on the issues that made him have the EA. Some of them were HIS issues and some were related to our relationship, intimacy etc. and we've made some excellent progress.

I know that time is not necessarily on our side and this is something that he has wanted for a long time. I just had no idea how important becoming a father was to him.

It is a bit different for me. A few years ago, I felt a lot of the same buring desire, but due to the circumstances it was not possible. Now, I almost feel numb a bit regarding this desire. It's really weird. Even when friends around me get pregnant or are having babies, it doesn't affect me like it did in the past (where I would cry, get sad or feel jealous). I can honestly say that I'm actually happy for those people.

Kati

I don't think you should commit to anything at all.

I mean that you should postpone even discussing it for a year. Your H as only been "sober" for 3 months. This seems like typical "let's hurry up and have a child to glue our marriage back together" stuff, as I'm sure you must feel as well.

GC

It's not silly or conceited at all! You have every right to feel the way you do, and I think you should wait till you feel better about the reconciliation. The people I know that have used a "baby" to make things right, often find that it seldom cements a rocky marrige. You need sound footing to handle that addition. A baby can "tax" the best of marriages! I think your husband is probably being sincere, but you need time for your feelings to settle down. Remember, I'm not a doctor, just a dumb working guy, but I wish you good luck.

I don't think my husband is thinking about having a baby to 'glue' our marriage back together. We've been married for 14 years and he feels that it is time. He is very well aware of the challenges that a baby brings to a relationship, but he wants to take "us" to the next step and have a family.

He does not feel a need to wait much longer and even though he has not pressured me, I do understand that this is very important to him.

Kati

kati, i have no clue on what to say. i think the "arguments" or rather the pro's and con's are all very legitimate and i must admit that i have briefly thought about things like that too. i guess i would also consider the age thing for you and that the longer you wait the harder it may be for you to get back to pre-baby size, don't know but just some things i've read. also, it actually may take you awhile to get pregnant. it's a very very delicate situation and maybe the only thing i can say maybe is suggest a time frame to your H. maybe something along the lines of starting to try at the beginning of the year.

like i said, i have no clue what to say but just wanted you to know i "heard" you and am sending you hugs {{{{{kati}}}}} for whatever decision you come to. prayers to you, RR

Kati,

Your husband is maybe not trying to use the baby to "fix" the marriage. Maybe he is using it to show how committed he is to its recovery. Maybe because he knows it is important to you and he wants to give you something to make up for what he stold from you with his PA. I'm not a doctor or anything, but I know you need more than 3 months to devote to you marriage, and your recovery. A pregnancy, and a new baby bring a whole basket of new challenges. I am the father of four, and I swear making the adjustment to kids, especially the first one is hard enough! It severely taxed my "healthy" marriage and I have heard many stories about A's starting during pregnancies or shortly after.

Three months is not enough time for you, or him (after 8 year PA). I Hope you descide to fix the cart before you add more baggage to it.

And you shouldn't have to go through that so soon. You will worry and stew, every day as you get bigger and feel less atractive. Has he contacted OW? Is he getting sex elsewhere? It will rob the joy from it for you. Give yourself time to heal. Give him time to reasure you. Give the marriage time to become stronger.

ps When the time is right. kids can make your life, and your marriage, better and stronger than ever.

Good luck and god bless you

Luckyguy,

I think you are right and I will ask my husband to wait a little while before we approach this subject for real. I just don't feel ready at this moment. My husband and I had a lot of intimacy problems in the past and I guess since ALL of those issue have now been resolved, he feels that we are ready for a baby.

He did not have a PA, but rather an EA, but it hurt just as much as if it would have been a PA, maybe more. Sometimes, I would have preferred if he would have just had an ONS, rather than getting emotionally involved with this woman.

We are doing good at this time and I understand that becoming a father is very important to him, but I hope that he will understand my reasons for waiting a while.

This is a really difficult situation for me as I love my husband very much and throughout our marriage, I have wanted nothing more than have a family.

I just wish that none of that would have ever happened to us, but it probably did for a reason...

Thanks for your message.

Kati

I understand how much the EA hurt you. My wife had an EA too. I only told one friend about it, and he made it sound like what's the big deal. There was no PA. But I know how much it hurt you. It has been 1 1/2 years for me and It still gets to me when I think about it.

I think you made a very wise decision. It will be good to wait. I believe he will understand. At least he should. EA's can be very hard to deal with. And I know you are committed to making things work with him.

You will know when you are ready, because you won't put a post here asking what others think. YOU will just KNOW it is time, and you will post a note exclaiming your wonderful news!! I will lookforward to seeing it!

Good luck,
Lucky

I am ready to have a baby; I think all the time about it, but I'm so afraid that when things get rocky (and a baby has a tendency to bring some rocky times to a marriage sometimes), then my husband would flee to OW again.

I told him about this and he was extremely offended, yet it seems that in the past that is what he has done. He says that it makes him feel that I will never get over this or forgive him. He says that he understands what he has done, he has apologized and he loves me and he wants "us". How can I learn to trust him and have faith in my marriage?

I've heard a saying once that says "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and it scares me...

Kati

OFFENDED?? Tuff sh**!! Listen Kati, Your H was in a long term EA. Almost 8 years you said. you have every right to want some time to heal before you take the next step. Offended, he's lucky you don't knock his teeth out with a rolling pin!

One thing to think about though. 8 years EA but never PA? Why? what held him back? There was no opportunity (in 8 years?) She was not willing (doubt it!)? I bet it was because as much as he was addicted to the EA he loves YOU! In his heart it's you he loves, and it is you who holds the keys to his soul. Even the fantasy couldn't take him completely from you! He drew a line he would not cross. Now after DDAy you are working together, you are a team. As hard as it is at least you know he will not cross the line. Now just help him MOVE the line. He sounds committed. Just stay focused on this one thing. It may never be as before, but if you give him a chance I bet he will earn back a reasonable level of trust. You are ready for a baby, but you will KNOW when the marrige is ready!

Your marriage needs all your energy now, and when baby comes, baby will need all your energy. Both deserve to be the center of your universe when their time comes.

I wish you good things, and good times!

Lucky

Luckyguy,

I'm sure there was opportunity for him and her to get together in a physical way. I have never once doubted that. The EA did not last eight years; sometimes there was no contact for 2-3 years, then it resumed again, mainly when she had issues to deal with at home or with fiancee/boyfriend/divorce etc. I do believe him that nothing physical happened; I can tell, but opening his heart to her hurt just as much to me. He once told my best friend that she was his soulmate. That hurt more than anything because he had never said that to me.

At one time during the EA, we had split. I moved out and stayed with a friend in another state. But he wanted me back and we tried again. It was pretty much a false recovery though because we didn't go to counseling, no MB and no exposure. When I found out about the EA last August, I did everything different. I got hurt, but I understood what led to the EA, I exposed it, got my sh** together, finally went to counseling and found MB. I do feel that this time, it is a better recovery and as much as it hurt, we talked honestly about what issues led to the EA. This has helped me tremendously to understand what was/is going on in our relationship.

I know that my husband loves me very much. Throughout our entire marriage, he's always complimented me. He says that he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and he likes that I'm outgoing and social and have lots of different interests. This has always made me feel really good. I do not think that I've done a good job though complimenting him when I look back at things and I think that was one of the reasons why he slid into the EA so easily.

I do feel that he is truly sorry for the pain that he has caused and he says that his greatest wish is just to move forward with us and be the best couple that we can be. I'm really trying. Once in a while, I still feel a bit of anger, but when I feel that I'm going to LB, I just remove myself and I sit somewhere by myself and just tell myself to stop and calm down. It's just really hard, but it is getting better.

Maybe one day, things will be all healed between us and we can have a beautiful baby.

Thanks for listening!

Kati