Bob: It's never too soon to start doing fun and entertaining things with each other again--although it may be too soon to feel much immediate response because of it. It takes time to rebuild your love bank balances.

The sexual hangups are very common to BH's and they do fade with time. If you are not satisfied with the methodology of your local counseling alternatives, I would second the recommendation that you get the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It has some very good, very practical exercises that integrate well with MB principles and were very close to the assignments our local counselor gave us early on.

And don't forget to eat! In the first month after d-day, it's not uncommon to lose up to 30 pounds.

Things will get back to normal, dude. Best of luck.

Bob,
You are getting great advice. As you said, you are learning things you never even wanted to know about. We understand, most of us are here as a result of our spouses infidelity.

I second the motion that you inform the OM's girlfriend. When the affair is disclosed, the secrecy is shattered, the fantasy begins to unravel.

It seems that your spouse will hate your for doing so and many are afraid to reveal it for this reason. The important thing is your motive. You want the affair to STOP. If there is pressure on the OM from his live in girlfriend, it will make resuming the affair much harder. It needs to be coming from both sides. Your w KNOWS what she did was wrong even if she is defending it. It FELT good so she is looking for resaons to make it acceptable. Your revealing the affair will show her that you are willing to FIGHT for your marriage. Maybe a trait she has not seen in you before.

If the motive is not stop the affair or keep it from resuming, shout it from the mountaintops! (or the white cliffs of Dover...) The secrecy of the affair made it more exciting, remove that aspect of it.

I understand that you don't want to make demands on her time now. Karate is obviously a big part of her life. If she had to choose you or karate though, I think she would choose you. Yo7u are a loving and patient man from the words you have printed here. GO WITH HER! Enjoy watching her participate and then spend time together. You are going to have to REDEFINE your relationship and the amount of time you spend apart in recreational activities.

You can support her karate without saying" Have a great time without me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> "

What activities do you do as a family? are you both involved in your children's activities? Maybe that is also an area that you could concentrate on together. My H and I have spent the last 18 years watching and following our 3 boys play soccer. We also go to the gym together. I felt left out by my H's interest in the gym, so I just started going with him. You MUST find some things to do together.

Hang in there and take it slowly. i am very glad you found this site, there IS hope! ladysing

Bob:

"2long, you make sense. But right now I must say that my wife's withdrawal is not making her think sensibly."

No, she won't be able 2 think clearly for many more months at least. You have 2 be the sensible one for now.

"The best I can hope for right now is to love her through every day, loading up the lovebank with nothing in return and no lovebusters for as long as it takes for her to 'cold turkey'."

Yes, but exposing the A is NOT a LB.

"If I suggested telling the OMs partner now she would hate me for it and may even contact him out of spite - it is THAT finely balanced right now."

You DO NOT tell her, you just DO IT. Did she inform you that she was going 2 have an A, then ask whether it was okay with you?

Yes, you will be walking on eggshells for a while. But don't let your inactivity get you bogged down in eggshelldom forever. Believe me, I've done enough of that myself. It's been 30 months since d-day for me, and my W has only agreed 2 NC "for now".

I agree with Ladysing. GO WITH HER 2 her karate activities. Don't let her out of your sight anywhere that OM might be. Even2ally, one of them is going 2 have 2 give up going 2 those events. Recovery is that difficult. If it requires a career change, then so be it. That is the degree 2 which lives are damaged by an A.

-ol' 2long

Kat72 I have some vacation booked off - 2 weeks and have planned some good stuff with the famly & kids. We wnt to our holiday ahome in Wales last weekend and went to the beach for the day. Tomorrow we're going to an amusement park. In the next week who knows, our holiday home maybe.

Yesterday I took my W to lunch at our favourite restaurant. No LBs either. I forced myself to eat something too.

I kissed her arm gently while she slept this morning - dear God I love this woman so. And I worked over in my head the events that led to this betrayal. I have supported her in building an independent life for herself and most recently my Kids (who have been introduced to the sport in the past year or so) while I worked and worked and worked. I did it out of Love, or I thought so anyway....so stupid. How can people who REALLY love each other be so blind??

It is absolutely no wonder that once she was getting all her leisure needs fulfilled outside our marriage that she might be vulnerable to attack from someone who wanted to supply her other needs: someone who is not encumberanced by the familiarity of 18 years of marriage and commitments.Having read this site our case is absolutely classic. I even saw it coming but I didn't push back when my W wouldn't discuss this stuff.

I have no time machine, and at least I see the elements that are broken in our marriage. I told my wife this over breakfast, and she accepted it (in a not a LOVING mood today, but the most positive relations we've had in the last week).

I will work out a way to be more involved in her leisure life without caging a wild bird. The OM is not a visitor to her Karate club, and lives 150 miles away. He only shows up to tournaments and we discussed her giving up those yesterday. She VERY unhappy at having her wings clipped but cognitive of the need so to do I think.
Terrible times, friends.

Ladysing:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
If she had to choose you or karate though, I think she would choose you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now she would not. I know. If I said that word today she would leave me. It is like asking a blackbird not to sing. But it must not exclude me as it has over the past year.
PS regarding contacting the OMs partner, I think the risk I may reveal the A to her might keep him from contacting my WW. He might make a snatch for my W if he loses his own domestic situation and right now? She might just go to him if she thought I'd told her. It just seems so risky to me.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>