I am in a situation where I want to save my marriage and my husband wants to leave. I am 38 and he is 34. We have been together for 11 years. When we met, I had two children (girls - then ages 13 months and 6). In the beginning, the biologicals were very simple and immature. They did all kinds of things to try and break us up because they didn't want another man around their child. YET ... they weren't doing anything for or spending time with their child. There had been one fight and even some discussions as well as arguments in the beginning. I didn't like this at all and neither did my then boyfriend. There were times when my boyfriend would constantly argue with me because of them. He felt that I didn't have the situation under control. None of these issues were happening before him and I never thought the biologicals would be that immature about the situation. I had NO intentions on being with them whatsoever. I had a right to live my life and to be with someone that loved me and was going to be there for me and my children.
As time went on, there were still more disrespectful incidents. Although they weren't often, they were still fresh in my boyfriend's mind. So whenever something occurred, I had to hear about all the prior incidents and how it wasn't working for him.
Four years later, I gave birth to our son. A year later, me and the three children moved into a townhouse with my boyfriend. Three years later, he proposed and we got married in 2001. We have since then moved to another county into a single family. In the midst of this, my youngest daughter has had behavioral problems in school. There have been bad grades as well as suspensions and that has really taken a toll on our marriage as well as the family. It frustrates us both. We have gotten in numerous arguments about her behavior. Not that I was taking her side because I do not condone any misbehaving. The arguments have been about my past mistakes and bad judgment about men and having children. He blames me for our unhappiness.
He is a good provider and makes sure his household is taken care of financially. However, it is so separate. When he is angry with one of the girls for whatever reason, he takes it out on me. My youngest (with the behavioral problems) has wanted him to treat her as he treats our son. I do know that is hard because her behavior hasn't just distance my husband. It has distance other family members as well.
He complains that I don't do the things he wants me to do. He feels that I had been mistreated by men in my past and I have too much mouth (towards him) when I should be thanking him. When he is angry ... he is ANGRY and the words that have come out of his mouth at times have been hurtful. I have reacted to his hurtful words and it has made me not do things he has wanted me to do. He doesn't ask a lot of him but when you are focusing on hurt feelings, the little things can go undone and ignored. He carries this attitude that people say things they don't mean when they are upset and angry. I wasn't raised like that so I believed everything he said. Whenever, I have confronted him about them, instead of listening to me, he replies, "I know, I am the bad person. I do all these things to you. If I am such a bad person, then why did you stay?"
He has provided things for me and the children that I wouldn't have been able to on my salary even though I my earnings are okay. He keeps telling me he is tired of the same thing. I am tired of the same as well. He is tired of waiting for things to change. I am tired of him thinking everyone else needs to change and he is fine. He is tired of hearing the same excuses from everybody. I am tired of hearing about the same past issues that shouldn't even be issues at this point. He is tired of me playing victim. I am tired of being blamed for other's actions. He doesn't feel appreciated or respected by me. I feel the same. I have always appreciated him and what he has done and tried to do for us. I thank the Lord everyday that He has brought a good man into our lives. If only he can get over the past. We are married now and I still have to hear about things I did in my past that he feels affected our relationship as well as things that has happened during our relationship. I can't change the past before him or with me. I can only work on me now and I have. Whenever, I do something extra or some of the little things, instead of him appreciating the moment, he wants to question it and complain about it should have been happening before now. One minute he seems to be fine and the next he isn't. He feels the marriage was a mistake. I do not. I have suggested counseling but he is against it. He doesn't think a counselor would give us any insight to help solve anything or improve our marriage.
I do a lot of reading on marriages and relationships because I am really trying to see where I am going wrong. If I show him an article or a questionnaire, he doesn't want to read it. Or he jumps to conclusions that I am saying he is wrong. So he is now telling me that we are where we are because I am basing our relationship on what I read on paper and it has to be a feeling. I feel that sometime you can get some insight or information from what you read just as you can from a counselor. Especially on things about how to fight fair and things not to say in an argument ... yet all they say DON'T DO, he does them all in each disagreement.
In the midst of all these steps of moving forward, we are still at the beginning of our relationship. So we never moved anywhere. With me telling him that we can't move forward if we are stuck in the past, he tells me we are stuck in the past because nothing as solved. We can't solve issues about what other people did. When he is talking about them, he doesn't talk about them as if he wants to solve them. Sometimes it seems he is talking to me as if I am the counselor and don't take in regards my feelings when he is talking about the issues.
He has recently told me to find a counselor. I haven't because I feel it has to be something we BOTH want to do. Our communication is terrible. I want communication with my husband but I don't want it to always be based on what I am not doing, what I haven't done, and what I should have been doing to help make him feel better about the situation. He/we have spent so much time harping on things we couldn't change. Yet, the things we can change, my husband doesn't want to because as long as he making himself stay unhappy, he wants to leave more.
He tells me didn't marry me to take on added problems. He feels that I haven't loved him the way I should have. I love him with all my heart but the fussing (and the words that have come with the fussing) has affected us both, yet I am to blame for all of this. He will admit he hasn't done everything right, but he doesn't want me to tell him how it has affected him. If I do, then it is a smack in his because he looks at the "sacrifices" he made to be with me. However, I am supposed to hear him me all I didn't do and how it affected him.
As I said, he is an excellent provider. Financially, there is nothing me and my children want. He feels that is all he is supposed to do and I am supposed to accept all of the hateful words and arguments that seem (according to him) to be my fault because it is ME that do not know what to say out of my mouth to him. I am not supposed to respond when it hurts. I am not able to express my hurt feelings yet he has no problem telling me what I don't do. He wants me to dress a certain type of way in the house and wear certain types of things at night. However, he comes home when he feels like it and I am supposed to be wide awake and ready for whatever he wants. He goes to work, workout at the gym, play basketball, comes home, works on his abs, watches ESPN, talk on the cell phone and wipes down his rims and tires all before he takes a shower and it is midnight by the time all of this is done. I get up around 4:40am and he is angry if I haven't waited up for him. It seems as if he has always found other things to do than to come home but I am supposed to worship the ground he walks on because he has done a lot for me. His weekends are his and I spend mine with the children. He goes out with his friends and family more than he does anything with me. Asking him why, I am to blame for him not wanting to be around me. The only time we spend together is pertaining to bills, children, money, or getting something serviced (i.e., car). Other than that, I have to be squeezed into his calendar or do something solo or sit in my room depressed and hurt.
So, according to him, it is my fault that our relationship is destroyed. My past and our past together were all my fault because I didn't have them under control and I talked back too much. He feels for all he did for me, I shouldn't have said ANYTHING. Yet, I was/am feeling ignored, disrespected, hurt, invisible. I need and want attention, affection, intimacy, companionship, security, stability, etc.. He wasn't giving it because he expected me to give attention, affection, praise, and intimacy only came with sex (from him) because he was/is providing and stayed 11 years (only the latter 2.5 years we have been married). How was that supposed strengthen the relationship? I couldn't get him to understand because his feelings came first, yet I was being selfished. He gave security and I was suppose to give the rest and since I was waiting on him, I am being told I was immature. He talks to friends and family and supposedly co-workers and everyone supposedly agrees with him on what I should have been doing and regardless of what he was saying, I should have looked at the big picture ... as in if he wasn't here or ever left, where would I be. I have tried to get him to seek counseling BUT ... he doesn't see the use in that based on other people who have gone to counseling (one - three times max).
I need to know if there is anything I can do to help save the marriage by myself. How in the world do I get past his mouth without responding ... he likes to lecture me. How do I look at his hurtful remarks differently. How do I prevent being so touchy with my feelings and get back that intimacy we both enjoyed in the beginning and seemed to have permanently lost. I really don't want to be another statistics but my husband seems to be pushing us in that direction. We can't seem to agree on anything right now and everything I do and say gets a disgust look, body motion, as well as statement from him. He is now talking about going on a 6 day vacation because of the relationshhip being so terrible. I took a 10 day vacation with the children last month and thought absence would make the heart grow fonder. It seemed to have made his heart really not want it anymore.
I have been working on me but tells me that I am not doing anything and he isn't seeing a change. It seems like he wants instant change yet he is still walking around doing and saying the things he want to say and do. When he criticizes what I seem to feel is progress in the right direction, it just isn't enough.
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