I want to vent about some things and this is the best place for it. You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to respond, but any communication is always appreciated.

I’m angry today. Today is two months since d-day. I hate anniversaries. They bring back all of the old hurt and anger. I want to call WH and just yell and scream at him for hurting me the way he did. I don’t know if he even understands how badly I am hurting inside. I try not to let it show constantly, but its always there lurking. I put on my fake smile and pretend that everything will be alright. My "People Smile" I call it. I mean, if I told him every time that I thought about his A’s, that’s all we would talk about and I would be even more angry and he would be even more angry and we would never have any hope of recovery. We would never get rid of that OW lurking in our marriage. She’d constantly be in our marriage with us. So, I try not to talk about her all the time, but I sure do think about her 24/7.

Mind you, he’s done nothing wrong lately, nothing to incur my ire, but I’m still so very angry today. He’s the model of a good H lately and I can tell he’s really trying to be patient and understanding with regards to my feelings. I can tell he’s trying to meet my en’s (he’ll send me cute little emails, just to cheer me up). He will sit and talk with me and let me vent when I need too (even if it means he’ll only get an hour or two of sleep before work). BUT, every so often, I get so angry that I need to vent. I want to tell him that "you freakin’ idiot. Today is two months since I found out about you and that whore and I’m so freakin’ angry". I hate OW. I hate her so much, like I’ve never hated anyone in my life. I just want to scream today. I want to go home right now (I’m at work) and confront H and just cry and yell and scream then have good make up sex and hug and kiss. I can’t, and H will be going to work at 5:30 for the night shift. I don’t even think he knows what today is. I don’t know if I should even bring it up.

Is recovery even possible with all of this running through my head? I wonder. How does one recover from having your whole world freakin’ shattered? Just limp on and try to carry on with your life. It seems so hard and impossible to do. I’ll never forget the pain. Never. Sometimes I look at WH and just hate. How could he have done this to me? To us? But then, he hugs me and lets me cry and vent, and then I love him again. So damn wishy washy I am.

I’m having one of those days where I just don’t want to go on anymore. I want to give up and forget everything and get rid of the pain. One of those days where you don’t want to get out of bed, just hide away and seclude yourself from anyone and everyone. But, I drug myself out of bed, and here I am at work, trying to go on. I wish I had some friends to talk to about this.

So, after work, I’ll go home, pick up my kids and spend the rest of the evening waiting for WH to call me. I’ll mope and feel sorry for myself because I’m alone without my H and I’ll mope and feel sorry for myself because I’m moping and feeling sorry for myself. After I put the kiddies to bed, I’ll sit and think all the bad thoughts because I have no one to talk to about them. I’m lonely. I’m very lonely.

Thank you for letting me vent.