I have some questions for everyone, especially WS's:

-When you find OP do you still love your BS?
-Do you bury these feelings to try and justify everything, or do you honestly believe you don't or never did love them?
-And if you do still love your S, is it guilt, fog, OP or what that makes you treat BS so cruely at times?
-Do you only admit that you love BS when the A is over?
-Do you ever tell OP that you still love BS?
-Do you still love BS but don't go back because of the guilt or feel you don't know how to repair the damage?


Any comments would be appreciated. I guess I have so many more questions but I guess I mainly want to know if the love really dies or we just think it does.

-When you find OP do you still love your BS?

I have a lot of trouble with the term "love." I had a lot of respect for BS, but I thought was not in love with BS.

-Do you bury these feelings to try and justify everything, or do you honestly believe you don't or never did love them?

I believed I was not in love with BS.

-And if you do still love your S, is it guilt, fog, OP or what that makes you treat BS so cruely at times?

Mainly, it was thoughtlessness. I had an agenda that was different from BS's, and I was hell-bent on following that agenda.

-Do you only admit that you love BS when the A is over?

No. It slowly came to me that I still loved BS. The A drug on after I had already decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with BS.

-Do you ever tell OP that you still love BS?

No.

-Do you still love BS but don't go back because of the guilt or feel you don't know how to repair the damage?

Doesn't apply--I am with BS now.

thanks jimmy mac for sharing, somehow it made me feel a little better.

Thanks for the honest answers.
Does anyone else have any comments?

Cyn - thanks for asking those questions, those, and a couple more, are some I've been looking for answers to, too, but can't ask H because it's a LB. One other I'd like to hear some perspective on:

If your S realized there was a problem and started to meet your needs, why would you go ahead with flirtations etc from OP? B/c of the "agenda" you were already working on? Doesn't make sense to me?!

PS - thanks for your answers and honesty jimmy mac.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you find OP do you still love your BS? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you bury these feelings to try and justify everything, or do you honestly believe you don't or never did love them? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The "feelings" of love were gone, so there was nothing to bury. Because "feelings" weren't there, I mistakenly believed that I did not "love" BS in that way...you know, "in love". I still cared about BS, loved him as a friend, but wanted the "special" feelings. I justified the A by telling myself that my BS wasn't "in love" with me, either....that is how it appeared to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And if you still love your BS, is it guilt, fog, OP or what that makes you treat BS so cruelly at time? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don't think I ever really treated my BS badly after exposure....but when/if I did, it was a defense mechanism....it was when he was throwing it in my face, so to speak. Incidentally, he didn't do much of that, thank GOD because he had read Harley's books.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you only admit that you love BS when the A is over? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I admitted I loved BS before, but I just thought it wasn't the "right" kind of love to keep a marriage together. Again, mistaken belief.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you ever tell OP that you still love BS? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes....actually, during the affair he asked me if I love my husband and I said yes...again, I was differentiating between "in love" and "love".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you still love BS but don't go back because of the guilt or feel you don't know how to reapair the damage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still love BS and we are together. If I hadn't stayed, I would say that it would have been partly the guilt, but mostly thinking I couldn't repair the damage. But because my BS didn't expect me to repair it by myself, I stayed.

Hope this helped.

Onlywords

Thanks for starting this thread and asking those questions. I have been looking for the answers myself.
My WW said she loves me but she's not "in" love with me. She does and says things sometimes that show me she still feels an intimacy with me, a trust and friendship. Almost as if the love is still there, just buried and she is afraid to let it show.

One year ago today since she moved out.

What about when WS tells you they love you and OP? Can you believe this?

You know, "love" is so hard to define. I guess I would say that what I felt for OW was a whole lot different than the way I felt for BS. I felt toward OW like I did toward my girlfriend when I was 18. But, beyond that physical attraction, intellectually I knew that BS was better for me than OW.

I had a yearning/hunger for OW, but I was much happier when I was with BS. To be honest, I would start yearning to be around OW until I would almost come unglued, and then we would be together and [censored] like crazy, and then I couldn't wait to get back to BS. And I would try to swear off OW, and two days later I would be climbing the walls. I gave up trying to resist for a while.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -When you find OP do you still love your BS?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I did. I always did. Our sex life sucked and I guess I just took advantage of an opportunity. I was weak and stupid and should have just gone and masterbated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -Do you bury these feelings to try and justify everything, or do you honestly believe you don't or never did love them?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I was OW, I only thought about W a few times. And when I did, I felt terribly guilty and even got sick once. I ended the night with OW and went home. The best thing to do was not to think about W.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -And if you do still love your S, is it guilt, fog, OP or what that makes you treat BS so cruely at times?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never treated W badly. Maybe I made a few comments now and then about how she never wanted to have sex; maybe hoping she would take the clue and do something about it but she never did. I guess I should have had better communication about what was bothering me instead of trying to get some quick fix.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -Do you only admit that you love BS when the A is over? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not me. But many WS probably realize what they lost once they are away from OP.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -Do you ever tell OP that you still love BS?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always told OW that the only thing missing from my M was a sex life. That's probably why OW did all she could to please me sexually. She knew that was all she had to offer me ... and it kept me coming back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -Do you still love BS but don't go back because of the guilt or feel you don't know how to repair the damage?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If my W ever found out about A during the A (I told her after it was over) I probaly would have been ashamed to go home. But sooner or later I would have tried to work things out; as I am doing now with W.