<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

I've debated replying to your email and have
chosen to at the risk of being flamed.
As an ExOW let me tell you- emotionally she did
not get off scott free- she is in pain too.
Would I say as much pain- no, probably not- but
is the issue of pain really measured in degrees.
I'm sure you were not consulted in your spouses
choice to have an A. The OW was probably not
consulted about whether or not she wanted the
A to end. She is feeling used and worthless,
wondering how she could have been so naieve to
believe MM's lies. Maybe she deserves this pain-
maybe she really is a whore, slut, homewreaker-
it will be along time before she trusts her
judgement again. Thing is- more than likely she
doesn't have anyone to talk to about this.
She fears the judgement of friends and family.
And like it or not we live in a double standard
society- wayward men if repentent are usually
forgiven a wayward woman is usually permanently
labeled.
In regards to counseling- like exercise- it's
the areas we feel uncomfortable with, areas we
feel "unfair" about that are probably where we
most need to be.
Best wishes.

The Pink Paige,

WOW! Thanks for the courage for replying like that.

2B Us,

All I can give you is a sympathetic ear. I am BS too and have been EXACTLY where you are and am sure I will have days like that ahead. I am also not vindictive by nature and frustrated with the situation.

It was a pretty good vent you had. I may have a couple of answers for you to help. Maybe not while you are in it, hard to listen to advice in pain. But maybe some thoughts to help you reflect.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> because I am the one that will have to pain the consequences with my H, not her. I will be the one making waves, but damit why is that. Is fighting for your marriage so wrong? Is wanting her to feel the kind of pain I am going through so wrong.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fighting for your M is NEVER wrong, but how will making the OW suffer gain you any ground in the fight for your M? It won’t. If the end-goal is to get through this with a stronger M, anything you do of an antagonizing nature to the OW may have repercussions towards either you or H later. More reminders. More problems. Heck, who wants that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why is it that we as BS are supposed to just “let it go”? Why are we always the one that has to be “the bigger person”? Our lives are the ones that have been turned upside down, and inside out. But we are supposed to sit idly by and just let it all roll off our shoulders…..I just don’t get it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two part answer to this. I need to preface it with the following statement, that is meant in a humorous way, not sarcastically.

If life were fair, there’d be referees. See any?

That has been my mantra at times to get me through this, and it makes me smile.

Part 1: You are the BS. The wronged person. You are to FORGIVE, your H is to REPENT. The FORGIVE part implies a sense of letting go. Not fair, I know, but the hand you have been dealt. You can play it with compassion and dignity, or you can play it as a tantrum throwing juvenile. That is your choice. And it is hard. The hardest one I have ever faced, so I am NOT trying to trivialize it. It is wrapped up in tremendous pain and angst. But it does boil down to a simple choice. Try and remember that and do your venting here. Helped me a ton.

Part 2: Roll off our shoulders? Heck no. My FWW has quite a bit of trust to earn back. But again, it is wrong of me to unmercifully hold this against her as a token that can never be repaid. Your H needs to realize this – his actions have changed things and there should be no secrets anymore. He has to earn that trust back. It is just hard to deal with it, especially if he is in the “fog.” And you have another choice. Leave him. You don’t have to forgive any of this. But if you choose to stay, you choose to accept his imperfections. There is no “I’ll only stay if you are perfect.” (Not saying you are thinking this). Staying means staying with the memories, bad feelings, etc. of this horrible event that was thrust upon you. At least you have a good idea of what lies ahead. Understanding from both you and him is key. The pain and memories will fade with time, but FORGIVENESS is your key to that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Every time I tell him that I would like my H to come to the next visit he keeps telling me no not yet.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can always change counselors. Just make sure it is because this one is bad, not that he/she is telling you stuff that is right and you just don’t want to hear it. From the tone of you post, I think that you are an objective person about yourself. That is a great thing. So I am not that concerned with your ability to pick a counselor. Also, I would ask that counselor why? You do deserve an explanation to that. You are paying him, remember?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe I am expecting too much, I just don’t know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. You are not. A healthy marriage is ordained by God. You are suffering from a bad choice. A heavy blow, but one that will heal. Remember Romans 8:28. All things can be turned to good. Look at all the couples with wonderful stories here. None of them would wish an affair on anyone, but how many have said they have a better marriage after? You can too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And I’m really tired of fighting this battle silently and what feels like alone!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not. I know it feels that way sometimes, but you are not.

Heck, you are farther away from your DDay than I am from mine. You should be telling me all this. Just goes to show you we all have the low days and we can all help each other.

You are not alone.

NCWalker

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
<strong> I've debated replying to your email and have
chosen to at the risk of being flamed.
As an ExOW let me tell you- emotionally she did
not get off scott free- she is in pain too.
Would I say as much pain- no, probably not- but
is the issue of pain really measured in degrees.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect, the OW signed on for this, the wife did not. It is outrageous to suggest that there is an equivalance between the two. That is equating the "pain" of the bank robber with his robbery victim. Of course the bank robber feels some "pain" when he is thrown in jail for robbing. But he CHOSE that path, his victim did not. 2BUSAgain is the victim here, the OW is co-perpetrator and deserves whatever pain she reaps. She CHOSE that path after all.

2BUSAGAIN, I am sorry you are here, but just know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal for your place in recovery. Unfortunately, you are looking at anywhere from 12 ot 18 months recovery under the best of circumstances. I would let your H know this so he can help you in the recovery process.

For many it seems to go in cycles. Explode, peace, build up, explode and over and over again until the explosions begin to abate and eventually the pain goes away. While its very important to not lovebust when you feel it building it, it's not good to hold it in. So you might explain this process to your H and get his agreement to talk to you when you feel down.

You can also feel safe about coming here and venting to us. Often, it is better to do that before you address your WS so you can get some perspective on your feelings.

Just hang in there, we will be there to help. Welcome to Marriage Builders. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

Hi 2B -

I'm glad you found the MB site. You will get very good advice here. I know I did.

Wanted to comment on one thing in your post...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And what pisses me off the most is she was once a BS, her H did the same damn thing to her. So why would someone knowingly put themselves into a situation knowing what kind of pain this was going to cause? Oh let me guess, because they never thought they would get caught. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The last OW in my H's A said the same thing. That she was a BS. If it is true, how can you intentionally cause someone else this kind of pain. That's nothing but selfish and cold.

I will never understand.

Sounds like you are on a normal path of recovery.

Stay strong and ride out those triggers. Let your H comfort you.

Take care.

sss

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

2B,

I do understand your point of view. A lot of us have been through the same feelings you are experiencing right now. I'd say there are times that I wish the OM had got his and at times It still crosses my mind that I should give it to him but that wouldn't really solve much now. I don't really hate the OM, we were acquaintance before their A and truth be told we probably would be friends if it hadn't have happened. My wife said he hurt when she/they ended their A and maybe he did. Did he have hurt to compare with the break up of a family, a confused daughter and financial issues, I doubt it. Honestly it is difficult for me to have sympathy for someone who is heart-broken because they can't be with MY wife.

These feelings will weaken but I don't know if they will ever go completely away. Just as things remind us of the good memories in our past things pop up that will remind us of the bad memories too. Whether it be the joy of my sixth birthday, where me and David Craig rode down Scab Hill without crashing, or the night on my front porch when my wife told me she was having an A and wanted a divorce. These things are part of who we are now.

This will sound a little rough, but by deciding to stay married, you signed up for this. Granted you weren't sure what all this entailed and sometimes its a little scary.

I read this years ago from Charles Swindoll and it has stuck with me since. Maybe it will help you.

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The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company ...a church ...a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past ...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.

We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ...we are in charge of our attitudes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The last part I bolded sums it up for me....This is what you've been dealt and however crappy it seems you, being the strong woman you are, have chosen to fight through this. That is a victory in itself.


God Bless

Doug

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

2b

He has been great and that has made this easier. But even though he's the one that had the affair and caused me all this pain, it's funny how I still want to protect him and his feelings from mine.

In the big scheme of things you really aren't too far into this whole recovery thing yet.

Feeling this way is probably closer to normal than abnormal. You know it would hurt you H to let him know the struggle you are going through inside. Doing this does spare him the guilt for hurting you and keeps conflict to a minimum but keeping our pain from each other is probably a problem that a lot of us here had pre-A.

I say discuss it with him. It isn't doing much good holding it in. Besides, this stuff dams up in us and then the small, insignificant things start being the "straw breaking the camels back."

Your H is back because he wants to be with you. Open dialogue and communication between the two of you about this might be difficult at first but you two need to work through this together.

Give you H a chance to be there for you.

God Bless

Doug