WH is home for the week. We're supposed to be having fun, doing things together. We were supposed to go camping, but that all fell through.

He seems very distant. Acts almost as if he really doesn't want to be here. Of course, we both have just come down with colds, and don't feel very well.

Because of my previous cell phone snooping, he is keeping watchful guard on his cell phones.

I decided that I would not snoop through them any more, because I know he is calling OW, in secret of course (probably any time he needs to get "something" out of his car). But I don't know that for sure.

I will not mention R, or the A, or the OW. If he wants to talk about it, then I will listen. I'm trying to be very pleasant, accomodating.

After this next weekend, I will expose the A to his family (he will not be around then). Will see how that goes.

But for now, does this sound like a good Plan A?

What are the typical WS reactions to a good Plan A?

Thanks, K

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

Uncomfortable and distant .....

K, have you given thought to exposing him at work? If you are EVER going to recover this marriage, they cannot work together anymore, do you realize that? Have you given this some thought?

Thanks guys....

But in my earlier post "Exposure Questions", you guys said that should be a last resort.

I have not fully exposed this anywhere, but to a few.

He works for a state agency. Could be tricky.

Am I doing Plan A okay? Any tips?????

K,

I am in plan A too.
Sometimes it feels like walking on eggshells, but I focus on putting myself in his shoes.

Try to be sensitive to his mood. He might need a little space.

If he isn't feeling well, do quiet things like make both of you some tea.

You know- not overly solicitous, but caring in a quiet way.

Pleasant and accomodating sounds good.

Think soft, gentle. Esp. if he seems irritable.

If the atmosphere is tense, do something goofy that will make him smile. Sometimes that breaks the tension.

Praying for you!

Shul

Thanks, Shul

I am trying hard - started crying after we went to bed, but kept it to myself.

I kept thinking "I remember when you used to love me."

Hope this works out - it is awfully hard. I feel like saying "Just get out of here. Don't be here if you don't really want to be!"

But I won't do that. It's really hard when they act like they don't even want to be around you.

Please, keep praying for me! K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> Thanks guys....

But in my earlier post "Exposure Questions", you guys said that should be a last resort.

I have not fully exposed this anywhere, but to a few.

He works for a state agency. Could be tricky.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K, could be tricky in what way? Would it end the affair? What would happen? What other ways do you have in mind to seperate them? They obviously can't still work together if you have any hope of recovery.

I know I need to expose the A to everyone....it's just hard when he's around.

WH gets so mad if someone knows. At first, he would ask "who else have you told?" You'd better watch who you tell - they'll spread it all over!'

Looking back, he has always seemed more interested in who does what, who knows what, than what my feelings are.

Like when I got the call at work "Ms. XXXX? Txxxxx Mxxxx is who your husband is sleeping with." That was it..... all he could do was yell "who called!?Who Was IT?!" Didn't care about anything else, just that.

One of his best friends knows (his wife is also good friend of mine - I told her). WH can hardly go around him anymore....

Thoughts?

WH walked in while I was posting earlier.

Anyway......I can see that exposure is the key. I will expose the A to his family first, then if that doesn't work, I will expose to his work.

How does one go about that? Human resources? Higher up? Anonymous?

Also, have never confronted OW. Sent her a letter (like a Plan B letter) when I told WH to leave (he had called her while he was here on his work cell phone - I snooped). Bad idea to confront OW?

Do I keep snooping?

WHAT?????????????????????????????? K

K,
I don't normally post anymore but felt compelled to answer your question about revealing the affair. While it might be hard, no it will be hard, it is the right thing to do. The timing seems to be what you are having trouble with now. Yes, expect your H to be upset...of course he will be, his little secret is no longer hidden. The more people that know, however, the better as far as I am concerned. I told parents, church friends and yes, their supervisors.

I found out quite innocently that my H had lied to me about where he was going and also that OW had taken the day off...didn't take much imagination to figure that one out. My H also worked for a state agency so the decision to tell them was a difficult one; but this was the last straw. I only proceeded because I knew them well enough that they would protect the information and handle it with kid gloves. I called the office supervisor and asked if there was any suspicion and he said yes; I told him straight away what was going on. Then I called the dept supervisor and asked about sexual harrassament policies and told him that H was involved in an unfortunate predicament at the office...they handled it from there. I have never regretted telling them. Guess I am from the school that if the relationship is so wonderful then let it be broadcast from the mountain tops...I had nothing to be ashemed of; I did nothing wrong. It was their decision to do what they did and as such their own problem when it came to facing the consequences of their actions.
Still feel that way today.

Don't know if this helps any, but getting it out in the open is important...then you don't have to live with the secret anymore either.

Thanks VF...

The more I hear about exposure, the more I see that it is the right thing to do.

It's just so hard.........I want my husband back, but don't want to push him away.

When I can get the time, I will do what I must.

WH seems depressed, distant, like he really doesn't want to be here. I feel like yelling "If you don't want to be here, then go!"

But I won't. I will keep in plan A. Know we need MC, have thought about Steve Harley. Sounds like he's pretty good.

Anymore suggestions????????????? K

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

k72,

I don't have a lot to say that might help, but I wanted to respond.

Expect your husband (like Pep said) to be distant and uncomfortable. He will be this way for a while.

My H confronted my XOM when I kept going back. I hated him for it at first. It was awful. But it is what saved our marriage. I was distant, hurt, embarrassed, etc.

I feel so sorry for you in this Plan A stage. I know it must be hard. He is majorly fogged. It will take time. You are courageous and sound like you are doing a great job at Plan A.

Hang in there and do what you have to. I think it is wise to take your time to decide about exposing to his job. I could be completely wrong, but I would try all other ways of exposing first.

My H confronted OM instead of going to OM's W. He did what he thought would work and be best for me. I am thankful he was that kind. Some disagreed with him, but it worked well for me.

Blessings,
RAP

Hi,

Your posting really helped me today. I'm in Plan A...things were going okay. We had a few weeks with NC, but I got that bad feeling in my stomach today.

Last night H was uncomfortable and distant...this morning he dressed better and did not want to have coffee with me...translation he was going to see OW. I called him earlier and his cell phone was off--of course, a bad sign. Just called him and he answered. He was angry and distant.

I did not LB him (although I probe what he was doing) because I read the postings at lunch. They helped me. I just positive Plan A'd him....so I got this afternoon.

Last night I dreamed that WH and OW were in our house together in the dark. I really upset me and I wish I could just stop the pain.

Sometimes I think we should all receive nominations for best actress/actors. We all want to give into our instincts and cry out if you don't want to be here, go. But we vent here and continue on being the better person for now.

God bless all of us and give us strength in this struggle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I think we should all receive nominations for best actress/actors. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, While he was here this weekend I had to pretend that I didn't know he was with the OW last week.

(Served me right for snooping.)

But plan A is starting to pay off. I am pretty sure he and OW had a major falling out, because he was very loving and attentive the past few days.

I think it was Arc who said it is a contest to see who will LB first.

Hang in there.

Shul

Shul,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (Served me right for snooping.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am with you on this one. The devil got to me on Sat, Sun and Mon--I snooped and sent me into a tailspin. I was able to fight it on Sat, on Sunday I quietly asked about him being late, on Monday, I snooped major and got hurt. I was able to hold on until my IC on Tuesday am.

You made deposits if he is loving and attentive...not angry and distant. I hope my "coaster" will go back up sometime.

Feeling really down today...but I will vent here and positive Plan A through it.