Hi everyone. Just curious. I would like to know why you came and stayed on MB. I have this feeling that this board is not very helpful for WS's. Please prove me wrong.

bump

Believer, you are such a sweetie. I am so humbled by the fact that you had to go through what you went through the other day - and I am behind you 100% on what you did. you still care about us dopey, foggy WS's. If you're not the Proverbs 31 woman I don't know who is.

Anyway, back to your question. I came to MB quite a long way past the confessing of the A, and I was about 6 months into withdrawal. By then I was very sure I wanted to save my marriage so I guess that attitidue came through very clearly and I always felt very supported and liked by people. JL was my saviour and then I met a whole bunch of other lovely people, many in the same situation, some not, but all helpful and supportive.

I've left the board in a shi**y twice LOL but have always come back.

My H and I are convinced, totally convinced that we would be divorced by now if I hadn't found this site.

So there you have it.

Jenny

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Believer,

At this point, I'm not really sure why I'm hanging around here! I'm so disgusted about what happened to BV this past weekend I think I could spit bullets!
It has been helpful to me in some ways...it was a place to be heard and understood, though it didn't always work that way! Seems to me there are an awful lot of pity parties going on out there between BS's, but when a WS has one, they get jumped on.
All that tells me is that some BS's still do not get that it's a two-way street when one partner has an affair, BOTH are responsible! For the most part, we steer clear of each other, but sometimes....and that's all it takes to cause some major damage and send someone packing.

Thanks for the question, thanks for listening and not judging.

Wish that all BS's were like you....maybe someday, huh?

Julie

Believer,

First, I want to say many thanks for this question as well… I appreciate you caring and non-judgmental attitude, especially since you’re a BS... You are really like a ‘rare diamond’ around here. At this moment and after what happened to BV, I feel exactly the same way as Onlywords … I’m also not sure if I still want to read/post here… I must admit this is the THIRD time I feel like leaving these boards.

Anyway, I was giving your question a thought and the reasons I’m still hanging around here are as follows:

1) To support, help & encourage members by just being there for them e.g. listening to them; praying for them; giving them moral support by sending them some encouraging/religious/uplifting/spiritual stuff when they need it; and also to give some advice when I have some.

2) I’m lurking a lot and still learning & growing from insightful and eye-opening posts.

Blessings, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

What happened this weekend with BV?

Just wanted to echo Onlywords sentiments. It is a two way street. My husband is to blame just as much as me for the state of the marriage. He is just as responsible for me getting into an affair. But right now I'm glad it happened or I wouldn't have met a wonderful man.

Onlywords it is about time someone stood up to these "pity party" groups. I know you've been around here a long time. Maybe they'll listen to you.

Believer, I lurked here along time reading. Wanting to make something good of my future life.

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: Cheffy ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All that tells me is that some BS's still do not get that it's a two-way street when one partner has an affair, BOTH are responsible! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a two way street. My husband is to blame just as much as me for the state of the marriage. He is just as responsible for me getting into an affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is comments like these that cause WS's to be continuously bludgeoned with the MB wiffle bat. Yes, the demise of a marriage is most often contributed to by both spouses however, the only person responsible for the A is the WS.

Once the WS realizes this and accepts full accountability for their actions, THEN they are ready to learn.

I don't feel that WS's are not welcome here, it's just that their ignorance and/or (fog) is dealt with harshly rather than with kid gloves.

That is to be expected on a "marriage" building board, IMO. There are other message boards that welcome BS bashers with open arms.

Ladies - please do not leave, and please keep posting. We need a safe place for WS's to come and share their struggles in recovering.

And don't worry about pity parties. I've had some great ones.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a two way street. My husband is to blame just as much as me for the state of the marriage. He is just as responsible for me getting into an affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't even believe I just read that.

pity party ?

wow.

I'm blown away here.

I'm all for everyone getting support here, but am starting to feel personally attacked.

So you are justifying the bludgeoning? Are you saying it is a WS's fault that they get bludgeoned? Now who is throwing responsibility where it doesn't belong?

Also, if you had ever read any of my posts, you would know that I take full responsibility for having the affair. I admit I didn't word that quite right on my last post here and it came across wrong. Happens a lot, but people like to jump all over those things. So, the first quote was mine and whose quote was the second one? Would you like everyone to think that was also mine?
Are you a FWW?

Onlywords

I'm not up to jumping down anyone's throat, and I don't think I ever have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Happens a lot, but people like to jump all over those things </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please try to understand, the people here are at raw stages of emotions. Their life as they knew it has been blown to bits.

I try extremely hard to sensitive to everyone's feelings.

I don't think BS mean to sound judgemental.

I'd hate to see this get to the point it's getting.

onlywords,

I do not insinuate that it is justified, only that the WS reaps what they sow.

The first quote was yours which you admittedly mistyped. Fair enough. I responded to the comment in general and referred to WS's in general, not you personally.

The second quote was Cheffy's. Again, I responded to the comment in general. Both quotes are commonly inferred by WS's.

No, I am not a FWW.

I hope I have answered all of your questions.

Well Believer
why are we here? I guess for me its a mix of wanting to know how BS feels honestly, how my H may feel and the sound support I get from most people, even BS.
Of course I get the odd attack but really its like water off a ducks back. There is NOTHING a BS can say to me or about me that I have not said or thought about myself, still do in some ways.
I accept that all of the BS are very hurt and bitter and that a smal number see me and other WW as the 'enemy'. I suppose some WW see the BS the same way........Fair enough I won't try to change their minds, they will have to change themselves.
Yes I get therapy and all that but it helps to know how my H may react by the reactions from other BS's.
I mean it would be good to have a WW spot here, to find out more easily what works what doesn't, to talk through what we as WW were going through and what we wanted, that sort of thing. Wouldn't want a continuous pity fest or self justification site though.
The difference I find with this site is that the aim is to save the M, regardless of the situation. It has people like your self who have used different methods to try & repair and make new a M.
Sometimes it helps me by letting BS know how as FWW felt at a certain time. They can use that to plan their recoveries God willing.
By the way Believer, Thank YOU.

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: crazedlove ]</small>

Pity party may be a bit harsh but I think that people do need a place where they can let their hair down and just whine sometimes (at least I do). This having been said, I really value hearing from the ws's on this board. I may not always like what I am reading, and I may not like the way some of you think, but I respect you all for being willing to post here. It is good to read that what is happening with my wife and I is not all that unique.

BTW, I am a BS, my wife is still in her affair (although she doesn't consider it to be one as our marriage was "over" last July unbeknownst to me). I know the part I played in our marriage problems (I am verbally abusive-working on stopping).

Anyway, please ws, keep posting, your insight is useful.

believer,

Thank you for asking.

I, like onlywords and Suzet sometimes wonder why I am still here. But I want to learn. I want to put my M back together.

It has been a very short time for me into recovery, so it is sometimes very hard to take what comes to you. That does not mean I will not listen, but the judgments hurt. I have stopped expressing fully what is going on inside, because it is not worth it (right now) to have angry BSs think I am having a pity party or don't want to move on.

On the other hand, reading what some BSs have to say have helped me understand what my H might be feeling.

What happened to BV was awful. Plain and simple. No excuses.

But there are those here that are balanced and I appreciate that.

So I will hang around to learn and grow, but I won
't accept just any wiffle bat from an angry BS.

RAP

SadnSorry,

I feel horrible for what you are going through. H and I have talked very honestly about where things would be if I had continued in the A.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to wait that out.

Thank you for encouraging us because you are definitely in the worst spot imaginable..as is believer. I pray you can work out your differences and have a new M as my H and I are working on.

RAP

Ba109,

Thanks for accepting my clarification. I have a feeling Cheffy's quote didn't come out quite as she meant it. I would have to say that is at least 75% of the problem here...miscommunications.

Betrayed,

You said that there are a lot of raw emotions going around here...and you are completely right. But when it is a WS letting their emotions and thoughts come out here, it isn't dealt with as patiently by some. It almost seems sometimes that there is an unspoken "contest" going on to prove who is hurting more!

I would walk a mile in the shoes of my betrayed spouse if I could.

The next best thing is to come here and read what they are going through.

I don't look at them as having a pity party.
And I certainly don't think it's fair to say that some WS's are having one when all they are doing is letting their emotions and thoughts be heard.

I'm not implying here that any of you think that...I'm just telling you what it LOOKS like sometimes.

Onlywords

Believer,

I found this site when i searched for "prayer marriage". at the time it had been about 1 month since i had last seen OM, i was searching for help. i was searching for prayers. this was my post (12/9/2003): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know with prayer, all things are possible. sometimes i forget though
and i let fear control me instead.

I ask for forgiveness for all my actions, direct and indirect, that have contributed
to my marriage struggles.

I ask for guidence to learn to be a better wife and partner. And for patience.

I ask for healing so my heart can learn to trust in our relationship </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could not say it better now than i did then. that is why i came here.

i've was tempted to leave at times, especially while I was trying to decide if i should confess or not. when i wanted to leave then, it was because the thought of confessing, 100% facing my actions and the consequences of those actions was terrifing. but i couldnt leave then because deep down i wanted to find a way to fix this marriage and i felt this site was offering me insight on how to do that.

since then, there have been times i've become a bit disgusted at what i see people posting to each other. sometimes things start to get ugly. i am sure i have been caught up in some of those myself but now i tend to stay away from them. sometimes i feel a person is being beat up too much and part of me would like to give that person support, but i am so beat down by everything going on in my life i just don't have the energy to expend. and i feel bad about that. i think when i am stronger i will post more in order to give back. i can't imagine i will truely be able to pay back the debt i owe for the help i have recieved here. but right now i am bearly holding my head above water.

i have been thinking a lot about leaving lately. part of me thinks it might be good for me to distance myself for a little while. because the pain here is just so great. but i keep coming back to read, like i am searching for something to learn still, but i don't know what exactly....

FL,

I am sorry you are hurting now. That is why we need to help each other. Sometimes for me I just don't know how to communicate what is going on.

Sometimes I think it is just silly for me to ask for help when there are others in so much pain.'

FL, I have read some of your posts lately. It is okay to not "be there" yet. You are one tough cookie. Let us be there for you, even if I don't do a great job at it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

RAP