Hi

Mywife has been having an affair. Yesterday I returned home early from a two week trip to find that the other guy was sleeping in my bed. The reality here is our marriage has been badfor many years. I cheatedon her several years ago, she knew, but I always lied. Last night during our "cathasis" I came clean. I have hurt her so much over the years. I have been trying to change for eight weeks since I found out about the affair. There are no more lies. I am hiding nothing. She told me last night that there was no way to ever get past this one. We have been married for 17 years. I love her with all of my being, but never was able to show it. She now loves me but is not in love with me. She is in love with him now. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to save this? Oneof us will be moving out this week. I hope it is not final. Please help me! I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and make her happy.

Paul

Pjmkag1187 -

I read your post this morning but didn't think I was the best person to reply to you. I think other MBer's will be by shortly and I didn't want you to get discouraged.

The usual greeting is Welcome to MB. If you want to save your M you are in the right place. Have you read on this site yet. There are articles and suggested books that will help you deal with your current situation.

Continue to read on this board and seek the advice of the people on this board.

there can always be hope!!

the lack of hope is devestating. i had lost all my hope, this site helped me get it back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are no more lies. I am hiding nothing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is a great start!!

i have been married 17yrs too. do you have any kids??

who is going to move out? do you believe someone should be moving out? if not, then DON"T MOVE!!! and tell her that you don't want her to move either. she says she loves you, that is great! hold on to that thought and get into MC asap, would you wife do that?? better yet, take the initiative and set it up yourself. i hear phone consoling with steve harly is awesome. maybe you could at least start with that.

if you want your marriage to work, then now is the time to fight for it, don't move away. seperation is the last thing you need.

Thanks,

I will not be moving out. She left last night. She is 37 and madly in love with her 58 year old boss. I think it is too late to save the m this time. I'm scared for my kids. I think, though that she just wants to be with him. He asked his wife for a divorce 4 days ago. I still love her, But she is caught up in something very deep.

Paul

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pjmkag1187:
<strong>...I think it is too late to save the m this time.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is NOT too late. My W said that she is in love with the OM for 15 years (get that YEARS). Don't buy it, I'm not and I am not giving up. Your W and my W are in love with the FEELINGS not the relationship. You cannot buy the "fog talk" that a WS uses.

Who is this Steve person, whow do I contact him?

Paul,

hold on to her!!! that is the only thing that kept me from divorcing, how hard my husband finally started to hold on (he did not know i was in A, only that i wanted divorce, i was not in love with OM, i used him as a crutch). just keep telling her you do not want to divorce, that you believe in your marriage, you believe you and her belong together!!!

she left last night but did she move out, take her things??

you have kids together, you have a huge history. if you feel you have not been the best H before, here is your chance, love her like there is no tommorow. i'm not saying overwhelm her, but hold on to her, hold on to hope, hold on to the belief in your marriage. perhaps if she sees you hanging on and keeping your belief, she will find her way back as i did.

how old are your kids?? have they been told anything about you and your W seperating??

what are your thoughts to the counsoling suggestion??

i know you are hurt, i know you are scared. post here all you need to express those feelings but your ACTIONS must be pro-marriage and strong, you really need to be the rock of the marriage right now. can you do this???

prayers for you,
Karen

Jeez

I keep telling myself I'm going to quit posting on these boards.

Oh well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

First of all, read everything you can about MarriageBuilders from the HOME page on this site. Learn about what causes an affair, how to assist with getting the affair to end, and how to recover your marriage. And the previous post is right, don't separate, and do everything you can to stay together, as it gives you more input and influence as to what the next few weeks will bring.

Purchase Surviving an Affair, and read it immediately. It will give you real insight into the dynamics of why it happened. Until you have done this, hold off on any relationship talks with your wife. Otherwise, you can do more harm than good.

You are in the driver's seat here, and you do have some power. You say the Other Man (OM) is her boss. That's some real leverage. Does sexual harassment ring a bell? But we are getting ahead of ourselves here. When you read about infidelity and the MB philosophy, read about Plan A and exposure. Those are your best tools in starting this process.

And while you are contemplating this mess, do a serious self-evaluation, and decide what YOU have been doing in your contributions to the Marriage, or NOT DOING in contributions to the marriage, and begin to change those negatives into positives. And don't think you can just change those things long enough to get your Wife back, these are to be changes in your LIFE, that will improve you as a human being, and make you a better husband; ie, a better choice for your wife.

This will all take a huge committment from you, and all the energy you can muster for a while. The last bit of advice is to see your local physician and see if you can get some Anti=depression medication to keep you from experience the worst of the highs and lows you'll be enduring.

Read and learn all you can from this website, and get the book. You might as well pick up His Needs/Her Needs at the bookstore, because it will go hand in hand with SAA. You can do this, it will just take a lot of resolve, and a huge effort on your part.

Best Wishes

SD

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thanks all for the kind words.

When I found out about this eight weeks ago, I tried very hard to to show her how much I loved her and how much I wanted us. The first thing I said to her the day I caught her at the hotel with him is "I don't want this to end our marriage." Over the next several weeks, The effort was not there on her part. She said she would try, but did not think we could work. We had grown too far apart. She refused couneling together. She has packed up most of her clothes and is staying at a hotel with OM. Monday he had driven by the house several times to make sure she was ok. His wife new nothing of the affair until I spoke with her Monday. She said he asked her for divorce Friday evening. That is when he left and came to my house to stay with ny wife. My wife tells me that she is divorcing him. There also is the question of large amounts of missing money from his business. My wife tells me OM'm wife is siphoning the cash. She told me there is and hasn;t been cash for a long time. My wife has frequently mentioned that they thought they had someone embezzling from the business. Could it be her and OM? Lot's of lies going on here. I love my wife very much, but she is extremely manipulative.

I have 3 kids, one knows, I think, what happend. They all know OM.

I think they will both end up together in an apartment real soon. When I got home, some of the things I found were apartment guide books, newspapers fromother cities open to the apartment listings page with numbers circled. I want nothing more than to save this marriage, but it really appears to be over.

Any more advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Paul

Paul,

i don't know what to tell you. I am very sorry for your pain. How old are your kids?? Has your W discussed divorce details with you yet?? I do beleive there is still hope. The only advice i have is what i have already given you. Continue to believe, continue to show her you love her and you believe in this marriage.

i recieved some very upseting news last night, so i am not thinking very clearly. I wanted to check on you and give you encouragement though.

hopefully others will read this and give you more ideas.

take good care of yourself. Karen

Well, She decided to get dirty. She has been gone from the house for two days after packing her stuff and leaving Monday night. Last evening I was served with a restraining order claiming she was in fear of her life. I am also not allowed to have any contact with my children. This woman is not playing with a full deck.

Paul

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pjmkag1187:
<strong>...Last evening I was served with a restraining order claiming she was in fear of her life. I am also not allowed to have any contact with my children. This woman is not playing with a full deck.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get an attorney, fight the RO. This is simply the standard WS attack crap. Welcome to the catch-22 of fighting for your marriage. If you fight back you are painted as a bully. If you don't fight back you are painted as a wimp.

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: zippyTWM ]</small>

wow, can anyone get a RO just like that? doesn't she have to have some concrete/prove-able reasons?? how are you holding up?

Pjmkag1187

This might just be the right time to read all about exposure on this site, and learn how to do it properly. Then just do it. Tell the OM's wife, tell anyone who will be of assistance to you in your desire to get your W to return to the marriage.

In the mean time, Plan A your A$$ off.

If his company has a Human Resources manager or director, I'd hit hard there. The OM's wife is a must, and if you can manage it, do it in person, with any/all of the evidence copied and put into a tidy little package for her.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Throw the spotlight on it, and see how it survives under pressure. Your WW will be mad, naturally, but will it be any "worse" for you than it is right now with the RO in place?

Expose first where you can make the most impact, then to others in concentric circles out from the OM's wife and someone in his company. Consider telling your W's parents, if you think they'll be supportive.

If you haven't bought and read SAA yet, you are wasting time. Only your actions are going to make a difference.

Good Luck!

SD