I posted that last post before I read 3ic and another noodle response. Thanks for the smack in the head.
Things have to change for sure!!!!!

EDITED

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>

elh, thanks for your input. H & I and some other family members had a pretty good weekend. I didn't want to bring it up but I think some people knew that we may have been having problems. I kind of washed them out with a few drinks and lots of dancing. I know in my heart that I can forgive him but I'm afraid of these "golf trips"

Regards

I'm still trying to find my way around this site so this is the only way I could include a comment from Noodle...."He has already broken his word to you, and I would be willing to bet that there is a trail of deceit a mile wide leading up to this ONS...even a serial killer usually has to build up to the act, chances are that he has dabbled his toes in these murky waters before he was engulfed by them."

Noodle you really know how to keep a girl up all night.
Before I read your response I was trying to get the most information from H. His past adventures with the guys and if he has ever done anything else....lap dances, strip clubs anything that may have lead up to this.

What a rollercoaster ride I'm on. H is too stressed at work to deal with this anymore. I think I to could be done with this if I knew he would not go on the next "golf trip"

I play golf.(and so does our S)..maybe not as good as H but we hold our own. H& I recently went away for a weekend and played a good game of golf went mountaining biking and had a great time.
So the question still remains Why does he still wanting this golf outing with the guys? Why can't H understand that if he goes on this trip I will be very, very hurt? I can't put this to rest until I know that our life, our family means more.

the answer is his pride.

does this decision of the golf trip have to be made right now?? are they already putting in reservations and paying money for the trip? if not, can't you guys agree to table the decision for a while? could a possible compromise be that he agrees he will not 100% decide right now that he is going for sure and you can agree to not 100% forbid him from going. and then in a few months you can come back to it. Can he also keep an open mind about the fact that you may very well really really need him to SKIP that trip next year!!!! and maybe you can keep an open mind about finding a way to be comfortable with hime going perhaps the following year (although i could see you justifiabley NEVER being comfortable with another trip with the same people)

maybe instead you and he could take that same money and either plan a trip with just the two of you or with the entire family (depending on #1 if you have kids and #2 if you could find someone else to watch them so you two could take a trip alone). whether or not you golf, the trip could include golfing and you could always just tag along. i have done that. some courses don't let you, but a lot do. i really enjoyed just tagging along (i got to drive the cart!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

i too have a golfing husband. he has gone on golfing trips too, but i trust the people he goes with and him cheating on me is not something i have ever been worried about. i am comfortable with his trips. i am NOT comfortable with how he chooses to justify spending the money and at the same time harrases me when i want to spend money on entertainment (but that is probably a whole different topic!)

the key is that you two learn to communicate how you are feeling and what you are thinking without getting to the point of attacking each other. learning how to communicate in a way that makes it clear that you are both on the same side. (and when you figure out how to do this, let me know!!! we struggle with the same thing).

Pride or lack of....

FL...H's friends are emailing him info and asking questions about trip already. I would have loved not to mention it until next year but I need him to know now how I feel.I guess a compromise of 100% not saying he's going would help for awhile.

I do play golf and so does our only child, S 13. We can hold our own on a course and keep getting better. H loves this about us and enjoys family vacations that include golf.

I too always trusted my H, him cheating was nothing I ever worried about, either. I knew most of his friends. We even had family vacations with a few. I was blind sighted with this!!

Everytime I mention the trip he says that he doesn't want to relive or think about his awful behavior anymore. Not healthy for him or for us.
I was looking for books to read to help me get over this. I realized I did nothing wrong. I am a head turner always exercised and I'm healthy, I love and enjoy sex. So I decided to get a book on how not to be a doormat anymore. "Why Men love b&tches". A little tounge and cheek but I won't be as available as I have always been I'll be more selfish and he should be less. I always had good dinners for him, did laundry, kept a clean house and took care of our child. I've been understanding regarding his work and traveling, there for him with every transfer, I always had to quit my job and organize the move. And to boot I make a decent living. What more EN does he need? I felt that maybe he started feeling he was too good for me, that he was and I quote "in the best shape of my life" that he was the bread winner and he could do what ever he wanted.

I'm on that rollercoaster again. I want to get over this and move on but I want to understand what was wrong. Everyone including me thought we were the happiest couple around. Still going strong after all these years. Still going romantic places and lots of passion in the bedroom. Maybe it wasn't maybe it's been all one sided and I became the depensible. That moment he didn't even care that this would hurt me, he's to SELFISH
R

N, Pride or lack of....

FL...H's friends are emailing him info and asking questions about trip already. I would have loved not to mention it until next year but I need him to know now how I feel.I guess a compromise of 100% not saying he's going would help for awhile.

I do play golf and so does our only child, S 13. We can hold our own on a course and keep getting better. H loves this about us and enjoys family vacations that include golf.

I too always trusted my H, him cheating was nothing I ever worried about, either. I knew most of his friends. We even had family vacations with a few. I was blind sighted with this!!

Everytime I mention the trip he says that he doesn't want to relive or think about his awful behavior anymore. Not healthy for him or for us.
I was looking for books to read to help me get over this. I realized I did nothing wrong. I am a head turner always exercised and I'm healthy, I love and enjoy sex. So I decided to get a book on how not to be a doormat anymore. "Why Men love b&tches". A little tounge and cheek but I won't be as available as I have always been I'll be more selfish and he should be less.
I always had good dinners for him, did laundry, kept a clean house and took care of our child. I've been understanding regarding his work and traveling, there for him with every transfer, I always had to quit my job and organize the move. And to boot I make a decent living.
What more EN does he need? I felt that maybe he started feeling he was too good for me, that he was and I quote "in the best shape of my life" that he was the bread winner and he could do what ever he wanted.

I'm on that rollercoaster again. I want to get over this and move on but I want to understand what was wrong. Everyone including me thought we were the happiest couple around. Still going strong after all these years. Still going romantic places and lots of passion in the bedroom. Maybe it wasn't, maybe it's been all onesided and I became the depensible. That moment he didn't even care that this would hurt me, he was to SELFISH. Now being even more selfish about the next trip
R

i'm not sure how to respond but i wanted to at least let you know you were heard. sending you a virtual hug. it is very hard for me to know how to help the betrayed spouse as i was the one that had the affair in my marriage. i am very sorry for your pain. i hope other BSs come along to help more.

Regards

I'm keeping you up at night? Mission accomplished, my work here is complete <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...

Just a bit of clarification..when I say a trail of deceit..I'm not suggesting that there may be a stack of dead hookers lurking in your history together...but more that..well..I don't believe that it's even possible to go from 100% committed and faithfull to 100% naked and Fing in a split moment decision. I believe that if a person had the ability to examine history..they would see a slow steady build...maybe having innapropriate conversations..or, yes..too many nights out with "the boys" behaving like a singleton..lots of things of that nature. Babysteps down the infidelity road until they were mentally, emotionally, and physically ripe for the taking. Slowly withdrawing from you and investing somewhere else. At some point you weren't the priority when it came time to make decisions. The thing that troubles me and brings me back time and again to your post, is that, forgive me if I'm overstepping, but it appears that you still aren't.

I too used to be very easy..very quick to accomodate things like this. I was arrogant, I thought that our marriage was exempt from natural law apparently. When my husband began to want to socialize without me, I honestly and truly didn't think anything of it. When someone else pointed out that it was odd I asked him about it..and he said that I wouldn't enjoy the situation and the people. Then he flattered me by describing them and their behavior as very low and praising my independence. Stupid, foolish, naive little girl. I began to suspect that there was an addiction to this lifestyle when he just seemed to go through all of the classic symptoms..I didn't have labels for them at the time, but I recognized them all the same. That he recognized their destructiveness but felt withdrawl when he was away..that he would seemingly give them up with a genuine intent to follow through...and then slip right back at first opportunity and deceive me about it if necessary. That he..who crawled home on his face and begged for another chance would show resentment for the enforcement of any and every boundary that we had agreed apon together . That he would disappear, having been replaced by a sulking 14 year old boy, who has just been told he can't stay out past curfew. I was baffled by this odd behavior, too bad I didn't run into MB for a few weeks more..sure would have provided some clarity and reassurance. I was beginning to feel that one of us was very, very insane and I wasn't in a betting mood about which one [typical addict..you are being unreasonable, blowing this out of proportion..etc etc] of us it was.

So anyway..our last confrontation directly related to the recovery of our marriage..and probably the beginning of our true recovery was not really extreme..just more of the same..I grew a spine though..I scared myself by being really and truly done with the game. I loved him, heck..I was pregnant, vulnerable much? I just didn't have any more track to lay though..and was getting all worn out from being rolled over. I asked him to tell me honestly..was I his priority or was this..because one was going to negate the other by default, and I felt I had a right to know where I stood before I invested one more drop of blood into this relationship. It was a very calm..but very passionate moment. Tres Romeo..during that final confrontation with Tibalt..very much either I or you or both..that moment of locking into position, reaching critical mass, feeling the whirlwind. It ain't a pretty place. A very determined one though. He chose me. Not in an hour..or a few days...asking for time to think about it would have been answer enough for me. I'm not sure how that fits into MB concepts/program...it surely is not something that one would employ to lure the foggified spouse out of the A..maybe that was my plan A and a half..my almost plan "B"..because I don't think I would have walked away to be done with him and move on..but I would have walked away. Self preservation baby. I am unable to live with a man who knowingly and willing puts other things and people before me. Not as a life plan. Problem with cake eaters though..is that is exacly thier agenda..their MO. If all parties would just cooperate..they would have exactly what they want..all needs filled when how and by whom they choose regardless of the impact on others. Regardless of what a monster that makes out of themselves. I think that this golf trip is the superficial arguament between you and your husband about an underlying issue that is going unaddressed. As always though..your mileage may vary--Noodle

Regards, so sorry to know this is still eating at you , I remember those times very well (and have then once in awile LOL and its 2 years )

I think NOODLE and others FL are giving you some wonderful advice, NIkko said something very important ... HIS PRIDE !

I must say I do not agree with the S can never go out again thing because that gives the areana for A ,,,, AN A can happen at lunch at work and stay ongoing for years ,,, so are they going to never work again ??? OR are we going to start finding WS jobs in only same sex buildings and never let then out to eat for lunch .

I mean what ever works for each couple GREAT for them .

SO if telling your H he will never go GOLFING again then have fun trying , just he does not sound like the type of man that is going down without a fight or better yet that will not talk about it and then just kiss ya GB and go anyway .

ASKING question? IS it just this GT? or do you never want him out with out YOU ? or Is it just this group of GUYS ?

AND if you don't mind me asking ,,, IF he cheated during this GT ,,, then when he confesed why did you not PUT that out right then and there and say well YOU WON"T EVER BE GOING THERE AGAIN FOR LIFE ?

IF its an annual thing ya did know he would go again , or no ?

I am sorry got to go kids fighting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong>


ASKING question? IS it just this GT? or do you never want him out with out YOU ? or Is it just this group of GUYS ?

AND if you don't mind me asking ,,, IF he cheated during this GT ,,, then when he confesed why did you not PUT that out right then and there and say well YOU WON"T EVER BE GOING THERE AGAIN FOR LIFE ?

IF its an annual thing ya did know he would go again , or no ?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize that there are times when we will be apart. H travels for business, and there is no way I can be everywhere or do I want to. I want to trust him.
When he confessed to me he was a mess, thought he caught a disease and was dying. My immediate response was "the fing Golf trip, no more!" I then told him that I didn't want this one guy on any more family vacations” He said "you don't understand that doesn't matter if I'm DEAD"
Our life was in an upheaval until H went on ADs and the tests came back negative. Everything focused on H getting better and getting back to work.

Even during the first week he told me he said these guys were emailing him information on the next trip, making reservations. He couldn't even answer them; they started to call the home. I had to make excuses for him; he couldn't even talk to them.

However, when the tests came back negative and H was feeling better, he hugged me and said "forget about everything that I told you" ha ha ha, "it was only a joke" I pushed him away and said it's not funny and no more separate vacations!----leads to the beginning of this post