I have heard about people talking about telling the OP wife or husband, but what about family?

My OM (that just stinks to write) lives with his Mom and Sister. They know my W and frequently talk. (that noise in the background is my stomach doing flips) I do not know if they know if my W is married or even pregnent.

Would it somehow help if they did know? Maybe they would get so mad, they would kick him out and my W could see some of his bad sides? Could they try to talk some sense into him? I guess it does not matter, because if my WW does not want him out of her life, he will not be. But I bet if I could get him to show is ugly side, it might help my WW see it and see me for what I can and want to be.

I hope I can last through this.

YES, YES, YES

in my sitch (I'm more or less same age also, although thankfully, AFAIAK, there is no OC yet) OM also lived with his mother and sister.

Eventually I did expose it to them, or tried at least. My sitch was complicated by the fact that I was friendly with the sister and another brother. I told the sister (And brother), but the mother was the key person - she was the one who put the roof over his head. I called to the house unannounced and asked to see her. After a confrontation with brother and sister I agreed to leave on the basis that another mutually acceptable time would be sought. This didn't happen and I had to rely on their word that she had been told.

Plan it carefully and have contingencies ready. If he lives with his mother, then she has influence over him. She could decide to throw him out, although she may not decide this.

Face to face is best, because then you can show the person that you are not a lunatic etc, which is how the OM and your WW will try to portray you.

My advice is to write down a plan of action and go over it and revise until you are sure you are happy. Write her a letter outlining all the important details. Prepare two versions of this - one on the basis you get to talk to her and on if you don't. Try to plan a way to talk to this person directly. If there is a 'community reference point' such as a pastor, priest or minister in whom you could confide the details, do so and reference this in the letter.
Go to meet her and follow up with the letter.

good luck

It would help tremendously. Affairs need an aura of secrecy in order to maintain the fantasy aspect, but when they are exposed, they look pretty ugly in the light of day. And they look even uglier when the OP is backed into a corner and has to try and rationalize such an ugly, sordid affair. They usually look quite ridiculous and feel very uncomfortable trying to explain this away!

Any other ideas? Any stories of how this went?

I must say, I am suprised to read this. I am going to ask our counsler about it in private.

I want to do what you said, but I think it may be very hurtful towards my WW. Does that qualify as a LB?

I am such a punk, two hours ago I was ready to go kick this guys butt, now I am afraid of his mother and sister.

I know that I have an aversion to conflict, so creating this situation would be very difficult. Perhaps I will see if I can arrange a meeting with the whole family, including the OM and WW. Does that sound as kooky as I think it does?

I cannot believe the emothins I am feeling. I have been sick to my stomach for days straight. That is a wierd sensation. Less than 4 hours ago, I was ready to never come home to stop the pain, but I just got done sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor, and I feel pretty good. Is this bi-polar?

The Dr. visit today did not help the P situation much.

Her qualitative levels are rising (very slowly, but rising) but now her progestrone (sp?) levels are low. Also, the ultrasound paperwork has been completed and it could not rule out an autaptic pregnancy. But there definatly was a normal one too. We have twins, so there could be a normal preg and a autaptic one. What the heck does that mean? Can one be terminated w/o the other?

I am going to try and ask about the same question on the preg board, so sorry for the double post.

Well, thanks again and please let me know if there are any stories and if telling is LB....

cant, exposure is one of the most important things you can do to end the affair. NOT exposing it is tantamount to ENABLING the affair, because when you help them hide it, it only prolongs the affair.

And sure, it makes the WS mad, but they quickly get over that. On the other hand, your marriage might not survive persistent secrecy. There are some things you must do whether or not they are lovebusters and this is one of them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">two hours ago I was ready to go kick this guys butt, now I am afraid of his mother and sister.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aren't you more afraid of losing your W?

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Mel, I am very afraid of losing my W. My mind, my family, my life.

I will work up the nerve over the next few days. I meet with the C on Satuday, and I figure I should be done by then.

SHould I find out when the OM will not be home and call? Going over there is so hard because me and the WW work oppisite shifts, sooooo??

I have to work on this. I will be back.

OK, so here are is my rational:

1) I am afraid of what my WW is capable of. She has punched holes in the wall, used to kick box and has threatened to take the kids to Mexico.

2) Telling the OM family will most likely make her VERY mad. I am taking the white knuckle uncontrollable rage of women scorned. I forsee hitting, LOTS of screaming and the like.

3) Is it worth the risk?

We seem to be making progress, although she just looks for reasons to keep the A alive. I bet she will leave me if I do this.

Hummmmm, I will think some more and get back to you all.

can't, you really can't afford to give into fear at this point. Your marriage is at stake. You just can't afford to not do everything to save your marriage.

Ask yourself what you are more afraid of: your W's temporary anger or LOSING your W becuase you enabled her affair by helping her hide it?

Yes, she will be mad, but that is ok. You can handle it.

OK, so I talked to my WW about telling his family. I think that may have been a bad idea. She told me she did not want that.

She also told me they knew. I believe her.

Should I still tell them? No one really knows about the P, because it my not come to term.

cth,

should you tell....YES
Will it piss off your wife.....YES

Meditation....BULLSH*T

She says his family already knows so it shouldn't be a big deal to her. You talking to them puts her/OM's fantasy world on a collision course with the real world. Tell them about the A and about the pregnancy.

Too bad if upsets your wife if you tell.

just my $.02

Doug

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthishelp:
<strong> OK, so I talked to my WW about telling his family. I think that may have been a bad idea. She told me she did not want that.

She also told me they knew. I believe her.

Should I still tell them? No one really knows about the P, because it my not come to term. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, you should not have told her you were going to tell them. Now, she will go to them and tell them you are a jealous nut and they won't believe you. You have just thrown away the best ammunition you had.

OF COURSE a WS isn't going to "like" being busted. Isn't that obvious?

If you aren't willing to do anything to help yourself because you are afraid of her, then I can't think of a thing I can suggest.

OK, so I dropped the ball on telling the family. Even if she tells them I am nuts, would it be worth still doing? I am not sure I can handle it.

I have visions of dropping by after work. But since they already know, what good can it do?

Anybody got any good tips on how to deal with conflict? I suck at it and avoid it at almost all costs.

Thanks again, the sleepy pills are starting to work, so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.

Thanks again.

cant, I hope you do get some good sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But yes, I would go by there and talk to them and tell them what is going on. They might not know at all and this might be an opportunity for you to squeeze the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthishelp:
<strong>

Anybody got any good tips on how to deal with conflict? I suck at it and avoid it at almost all costs.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The way to get good at it is to STOP avoiding it and STOP letting your feelings control you. That way you get over your fear and build self confidence when you know you can count on yourself.

can

listen carefully.

You erred by telling your wife about the idea of telling OM's family - but thats done now so lets move on.

You have a choice to make - do you want to fight (strive might be a better word) to save your marriage or do you want to save yourself some hassle?

Sorry to sound so crude - but that is essentially what your doing - avoiding conflict now, which is just storing up more trouble ahead.

Of course you have anxieties - thats normal.

What you need to do is to look carefully at what 'weapons' you have in your 'arsenal' - to borrow from Mortarmans military terminology.

You need to expose - and I don't believe that his family have been told anything like the truth, in fact probably nothing at all.

You've possibly lost the element of surprise, so you need to adjust your battle plan. Work on the assumption that an alien has taken over your WW's body - and think what that alien would do to thwart you. Anticipate her moves and plan yours accordingly. Think through the possibilities and have plans ready. Go through it in your head - write it down if you need to. I promise you the 'conflict' is not scary at all when you are prepared - if anything it is empowering.

Now, as to the specifics of his family - you need a bulwark IMO - you have to find someone that you can trust whose opinion they will respect also - clergy/ministers etc are often good for this. Tell them - plan it carefully and have 'debunks' ready for any spin or lies that the WW and OM may respond with.

Now go to the OM's family - without him there and without telling WW. Tell them as above and tell them if they don't believe you to ask the 'trusted person' above. Bring evidence if you have any in both cases. Ask OM's family for thier help in working on your marriage. Explain that you just want an honest effort at saving the marriage from both of you. If an honest and fully committed effort doesn't work (and you know it will 99% of the time) then she can go and be with OM if that is what she wants - but you NEED that honest effort

Gotta run now, but good luck

A grown man who lives with his MOTHER and sister??? What is she thinking? That's one thick fog!

Do you really believe they know? I don't. As a grown man who lives with his mother, I'd bet she's running his life. I seriously doubt they know...seriously.

Salerio,
Thanks for the advice, but I have some comments and questions.

Any ideas on how to find a trusted source? I heard that the sister is very religious, but I do not know what church or anything about it. I do not think I can afford a PI to look into it. I do not know what hours the OM works, or what kind of car he drives so going by the house, he could be there.

I am not scared of the conflict with the OM family, I fear what my wife will do. I would not be suprised by her trashing the house to some extent. She has already punched small holes in the wall. I guess that would only help my case for custody if it comes up. I guess just looking at what she could possible do, unless she hurts the kids, it cannot be any worse than what she has done already. Hmmmmm.

She talks to a mutual friend who then tells me what she says. Perhaps I could get some information from our mutual friend. I am going to look into that option.

I like the alien concept taking over my WW body. Then I can hate the alien and not my WW. Boy, does that sound pathetic or what?

I hope I get through this alive.

Hi can

The alien concept is a good 'un isn't it? Not mine I hasten to add, but you'll see it a lot round here.

Remember that you can't control your wifes behaviour - you know that instinctively - otherwise she wouldn't be having the affair - right.

So forget about what she might do to the walls. She'll hurt herself - and I don't just mean physically with this kind of abusive behaviour.
Document it all.

Do the PI work yourself if you need to or get a friend to help you. Swing by the house occasionally and not what cars are there. Which might be his and which might belong to someone else. Note it if you see someone driving one. Drive round the neighbourhood and find the churches. Find what time their services are on. See if you or a friend can do a stakeout - stop one of those cars you noted above. Hell - get to know the sister. Her being very religious is great - you can be damn sure she doesn't know. Also it means her mother will probably be religious too. Even better. Indulge your detective fantasies here - do the reconnaissance. Build your information and develop your plan. When you know something about them and their church go talk to one of the ministers/priests whatever.

Some more advice - you are 100% correct about her not being able to do any worse. If she ever does anything to the kids - take them and leave. Call the cops, get a barring order - really bring reality home to her.

The mutual friend - this is a bonus, but treat it as such. Do NOT pump this person for info or let them be trapped in the middle. Let them tell you things, don't be seen to be pulling the information from them. Bear in mind that if your WW is talking to this person too she probably knows that the friend is talking to you too. Be careful - you might be getting disinformation occasionally. You might also have your conversations relayed to your WW.

Next - separation. Get your cards in order here. Find out what you need to do for a legal separation. Get your documentation together. Have it ready to launch so that when you want to start plan B you can jump into it.
I waited hoping my plan A would work. It didn't and now I have a huge wait before plan B would even be possible. Big mistake by me - there is nothing wrong with planning for the worst while working towards and hoping for the best

Keep gathering information and document everything - when she goes out and when she returns, arguments, fights, what she spends, who she calls, where she goes etc I'm doing it now, but I wish I had more info from earlier.

Control everything that you can control.

Look after you and look after your kids.
Get working on your plan A.

Sal,
Thanks so much for the advice. I was really hoping to talk to my Counsler before I did this, but we do not have a session until Saturday, and I do not think I want to wait.

My friend with the info told me that my WW told her that the mom does not know. More lies, that alien is starting to make some mistakes. The WW may have spilled the beans already, but I am not sure.

I have been in contact w/a lawyer already, he told me that the seperation papers take about a week to prepair. Not much of an issue from that regard.

How long were you in plan A? Are you still? Sorry I do not know your story, but I am consumed.

I am going to start working on the documentation now. I am gonna grab some bad food and do it in my office.

Is it possible I feel excited? Hmmm, been awhile.

Your WW will make lots of mistakes - she is in the fog and thinks like an alien - the other nice thing is that pretty soon you will be able to predict almost every move and even whole sentences that come out of their mouth.

Well done on contacting the lawyer. Make sure that you have all the papers ready to go - also make sure you have an idea of the total lead-time - i.e. how long to file for a court appearance, what the wait there might be, how long will be given for implementation etc. You will almost certainly find it is a lot longer than a week.

Where I live - different country, different ways etc, end-to-end can take 9 months or more.

My actual D-Day was 19th April 2003. The 'virtual' D-day was 18th March 2003 - that was when I confronted her and everything bar the A came out.

I was in plan A pretty much from the above till year end 2003. Because of various legal reasons I wasn't able to move to a full plan B till I got a legal separation - indeed I even had to make a few tweaks to a 'generic' plan A. Foolishly I believed that WW would have enough self-interest to negotiate a separation agreement, so that going to plan B could be achieved within weeks. I was wrong - despite many attempts, professional mediation etc, she doesn't. She is cutting her own throat financially, hurting me at the same time (but to a lesser extent) and heaping more suffering on our D. The only people who will benefit are lawyers. That has left me in a horrible limbo where I am beyond plan A and have lost the will to do a plan B, even if I could. I just want out now. I started posting here about May last year, so if you search I am sure you can find some details there.

And finally, of course you are excited. You are taking control of your life back from this alien. It gets better. If you're like me you'll actually be amused at times by your WW's behaviour. Bizarre and predictable - its like starring in your very own rom-com.