I'm sorry this is terribly long. I've had an awful last couple of months and everything is just spilling out.
My H had an EA 5 years ago. I found out from an anonymous phone call. He told me ended it and we worked on our marriage. Things were getting better, then our oldest daughter and grandson were murdered 3 years ago. The first year after their deaths we were all just in terrible shock. The second year was consumed with the trials of their murderers. This past year H was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer, had successful surgery in February. Before surgery, he contacted his exwife to apologize for hurting her so many years ago (20). After his surgery, I guess he continued emailing and phone calls and they developed a close emotional relationship. I didn't know anything about it. He surprised me at 6:00 one morning by telling me she was coming to town to spend the day with him. I thought I stayed very calm, and suggested going with him. He said I could meet them for lunch if I wanted. I said OK, I'll be ready in about 10 minutes. I called into work and went with him, even though he obviously didn't want me to. It was very awkward when we met her, she didn't know I was coming and was very surprised. Then they didn't know what to do all day - I had interrupted their plans. So we just ambled around stores, everyone was very uptight. She had brought a tote bag filled with stuff to give H, even wrapped presents, but couldn't give them to him with me there. She later emailed me the story of her relationship with H. H was very angry with me after that day, told me I was incredibly rude to her. I really was polite, just not as outgoing as usual. H did nothing to put me at ease and acted very distant from me the entire day. Never even looked at me. Then I started snooping on the computer and found emails where they were buying lottery tickets using their birthdays and wedding anniversary dates, and making jokes about how surprised I'd be when they had to split the pot, especially when I found out the numbers they used. It really hurt to know they were making jokes about my pain. I sent a letter to the exwife and a book, "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free". In the letter I told her I understand how she got caught up with H again, I forgive her, and related several of the things H told me about her and her marriage. I told her I hoped she'd read the book before she hurt her husband and kids like our family has been hurt. The book is a Christian women's book and has a lot of info on "inappropriate friendships" and the pain they cause in a family. Her husband saw the letter, and she had to ask H & I not to contact her anymore.
2 weeks ago H & I were scheduled to go to a Retrouvaille weekend, but he cancelled at the last minute on Friday. Then last week I told him I wasn't sure about our marriage, that we needed to work together on what was going on. He blew up at me, and we haven't spoken since. I'm trying to do Plan A, but really don't care if I do or not right now. He says he doesn't want to get divorced, but all the problems are mine. As soon as I solve my problems we can all go back to how we were. One of his demands is apologizing to exwife and her husband so she'll talk to H again. I really don't feel his heart is in this marriage, and feel I'm wasting my time on Plan A. Can't really afford Plan B right now though. Has anybody been here before? Any words of wisdom? I apologize again for such a long post.
Terri
