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#1163932 07/27/04 03:34 PM
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My H is telling me that he looks at our marriage as a duty and his love has died. I feel like someone just shot me. I'm hurting so badly and can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My H has moved out in order to create a void so we can come back together if it is meant to be....those are his words. What am I supposed to do???????? I love my H very much and can't see my future without him. I don't know what to do or say to him. I feel so lost. He says as each day passes he's getting stronger and isn't fearful of not having me in his life. I just don't understand that!!!!
I posted my story under JUST FOUND OUT.with the subject...Somebody please help me. I need some advise. Please help me!!!!!

#1163933 07/27/04 03:41 PM
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TR,
Classic FOG.

I know it's difficult. I know you want this all to go away. Don't pressure him right now, take deep breathes.

STOP ALL RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSIONS WITH HIM.

For many WS during the FOG, relationship discussions add a layer of pressure.

Not that it IS, I'm just telling you what I've seen myself.

Read about Plan A here.

This is all very new, and your emotions are everywhere.

Don't believe anything he says or does right now, he's not the person you think he is. Take everything he says with grain of salt.

Hang in there.

#1163934 07/27/04 04:04 PM
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Betrayed....
So, should I just listen to what he says and not show that I am upset? I just don't know what to do. I am hurting so deeply inside and don't know how to function normally. He's been coming over everyday to see our son and I feel like a stranger is in my house. He's telling me that when he thinks of our marriage he can't think of "the pillars" that hold it together. What does that mean? I love him and feel that we've grown together and we're raising our son together. To me that's a "pillar". We've been together for 17 years...how can he say he only loves me for the wife that I have been and for the mother that I am. I guess you are right...he's in a major FOG!!! How long does it usually take for someone to start to come out of that fog?

#1163935 07/27/04 04:49 PM
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TR

I know how you feel. My story posted under ...lost her, won her, lost her...help!.

Same thing, 17 years down the drain. Follow plan A and all the advice from others on this site.

Your H does not need to see you hurting and destroying yourself over this. As hard as it is you must try to be the best you can be. Be that person he fell in love with so long ago. It is all you can do right now.

My WS says some nasty things to me and continues to tear at my heart. She's in the fog. We reconciled for 2 months and she flew off again. This is a fight for only the strong willed. Our WS are being pulled away from us, and it is up to us to stay strong for our relationships, and pull them back.

Who knows how long one could stay in the fog. Read this site, everyone is different. There are plenty of couples in recovery, and many success stories. Hang in there and good luck.

#1163936 07/27/04 04:57 PM
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Can you give us some more details?
-Has he admitted to having an A?
-Have you suspected for some time?

#1163937 07/27/04 06:16 PM
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Ladyinlove...
My H has admitted to the affair. He even came to the house today and told me that she called him and wanted him to come by but he told her no because he is trying to work on his marriage. I suppose this is a good sign. He keeps telling me to go out and do things for myself and get a job that I enjoy. I just feel like he's pushing me away and it really hurts.
We had a conversationg a little while ago and it seems like he defends the OW when I say stuff to him about her. He even told me to call her and say and ask her whatever I wanted. He says it's not between her and me it's between me and him and that's what he wants to fix. I totally understand that but he just doesn't seem to realize the pain that all of this is causing me. How do I get through this??
I went for a walk when he came by to see our son. As I was walking I saw some flowers and picked them and when I got home I gave them to my H and told him that I love him. I just followed my heart. Is that a good idea or no? Should I stop doing that kind of stuff? I'm just so confused on what I'm supposed to do. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!

#1163938 07/27/04 06:55 PM
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Listen,

Don't say anything bad about the OW. It will turn against you. He will continue to come to her defense while he in the fog. You speak NOTHING of her. You don't ask questions. You steer clear of any conversations about her. Even if HE brings it up, stay clear until you're on firmer ground.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

You don't want him to see you beaten and torn. This isn't appealing to him, and actually makes the guilt he feels worsen. It's okay to hurt, he knows you're hurting.

He's giving you signs, you're missing them. He wants the OLD you back, strong, confident, loving, caring, able to pick up and carry on. You want to him to work on a marriage full of hope and promise for a wonderful future, not a marriage full of wreckage and sorrow.

I know this all sounds bizarre to you right now. But I can only speak of stuff I've seen and lived. No matter WHAT OW did, my H never believed she was capable of the torment she put me through.
After the fact, he sees her for the vicious woman she is, and is glad to be rid of her once and for all.

Think of it this way, if you're all sad and blue everytime he comes around, and OW is happy and supportive, patient and kind...where is he going to want to spend his time ?

He's coming over to see your S right ? A lot of WS don't even bother with their children during the FOG. Read some of the posts.

He's sending you mixed signals. Believe it or not this is a GREAT sign.

He's confused.

IF SOMEBODY CAN FIND THE LIGHTHOUSE POST, PLEASE POST FOR TR. I'm am going to see if I can't find it right now.

#1163939 07/27/04 07:03 PM
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TR, this is ARKs lighthouse post. I read it over and over whenever I felt scared. It helps.
the lighthouse post.....

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

#1163940 07/27/04 07:11 PM
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Tree, I would order this book off this website ASAP: Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and read it as fast as you can. That will help you manage this situation strategically and avoid some of the grave mistakes that BS's often make.

Secondly, who is the OW? Is she married?

It is real important that you expose this affair to family and friends and the OW's H, if any. Exposure fills the affair with conflict and makes it very uncomfortable and embarrassing. This hastens it's end. You should be doing everything possible to END the affair.

And lastly, do you understand the concept of Plan A? It means no lovebusters and doing your best to meet any needs of your H. It also means no begging, pleading or crying. That will only push him away.

I know you are devasted, but please do not give up hope. This is FAR from over and you have a strong chance of getting your H back and falling in love again.

#1163941 07/27/04 07:13 PM
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What was your marriage like before this happened? Have you been having trouble?

#1163942 07/27/04 07:36 PM
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Thank you so much for the Lighthouse story. I will read that over and over.
I am going to try my best to be happy around him and try to keep my feelings to myself about the pain I am in. I totally understand that now. I have to be strong and show him the person he fell in love with.
Melody Lane...yes, we've had problems in the past. He says it just kept building and that's why he started living a double life. He just couldn't take it anymore.
I take the blame for some of the problems in our marriage but I have never had an A. I've always been very faithful. Does that count for anything anymore?????
I guess the first thing I need to do is find a job. I have no clue what I want to do but I need something. It's just going to be hard to focus on that right now but I have to. I need a GOOD job. Maybe I should be a Flight Attendent so that I will be gone 3 days a week. LOL
Thank you all for your help and words of wisdom. This site has helped me so much. I plan on buying the book "Surviving an Affair". Can you get it in a book store or is it only online?

#1163943 07/27/04 07:42 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
[QB]
Melody Lane...yes, we've had problems in the past. He says it just kept building and that's why he started living a double life. He just couldn't take it anymore.
I take the blame for some of the problems in our marriage but I have never had an A. I've always been very faithful. Does that count for anything anymore?????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It counts for ALOT, Tree! What were his complaints and what did you do about them? The reason I am asking is that its important to identify what he feels was missing in the marriage and try to attract him back by meeting that need.

And please understand, Tree, NO ONE is saying that you in anyway caused this affair! You didn't! He is 100% responsible for that choice. But you both were responsible for the state of the marriage. And the idea is to attract him back into marriage by showing him that it can be happy in the future.

You can get that book at the bookstore, but they do sell it on this website pretty cheap. They have fast cheap shipping too so you could have it in 2 days.

Good idea on getting a job, that will keep you preoccupied!

#1163944 07/27/04 09:31 PM
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I think I will order that book online. I look forward to reading it.
My H just brought son home from his brother's house(which is where my H is staying right now) and wanted to know if he could spend the night over there with him tonight. My son really wanted to so I let him but it is tearing me up inside. I've never been home all alone at night since my son was born. I feel like I've been stripped of everything I worked so hard for in my life. It's the worst feeling in the world. I miss my son already and was looking forward to curling up with him tonight and reading a book. How do I deal with all of these emotions?????
I'm trying so hard!!!!!!


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