ok, this post might not make much sense but i am hoping with a little help, i can end up figuring some stuff out here to help me continue on.

i cannot really deal with this stuff too much in IC right now because we are knee deep in trying to figure me out, what a mess! maybe that truely has to be done before i will feel better.

i very much want to talk to H about this but fear doing so. He seems basically happy. why rock his boat?

so what is bothering me??? i know something is, my stomach is upset a lot, anxiety, i have another headache and i feel like i could break out crying any minute. i am sure i will be crying in the car while i am going home. although i plan to listen to christian radio station to try to head off the tears.

am i just not willing to be patient long enough?

i am acting out in small ways, i smoked all last week, even though i have promised my daughter i will not smoke at all (i am one of those that can smoke a little and then quit, i never get addicted to it, but i do it when i get stressed). it is not right of me to break my word to my daughter. but i have been doing just that.

every morning i get up and promise myself that today i will keep food in proper place. for nurishment only, not for emotional comfort. but i have been failing at that miserably too. (so far today i am doing good but i am fighting awful hard at not going to vending machine for chocolate all afternoon). my eating leaves me feeling sick. i think i am wanting to match how i am feeling emotionally.

i am not even getting in 64ozs of water a day and my daily walks have completely vanished.

so what is bothering me????? the best i can say is that i don't believe we are really accomplishing anything deep.

how about some of you smart people ask me questions and i will try to answer them in the hopes of getting somewhere???

FL,

Perhaps you THINK you need to accomplish something deep every day and what you need to do is relax and allow a week or so with NO accomplishment with regard to H. If he is in a good mood, then feed off of it. Go home and hug him, and do something you both enjoy. Yeah, something that keeps your hands busy so that you don't smoke.

It could be you are getting close to some serious stuff with IC. It could be you worry that somehow H is NOT healing and the other shoe will drop. But, you know what, back off and let your mind do it's job. What you are struggling with will come to the surface if you let it. Don't fight it.

God Bless,

JL

hi JL,

i guess i was trying to help it come to the surface. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It could be you are getting close to some serious stuff with IC. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, this is very true, and it certainly is not comfortable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It could be you worry that somehow H is NOT healing and the other shoe will drop. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">close, i'm not so worried about the other shoe dropping. i'm more worried that we will not end up being truely close. that our relationship will continue to be very shallow. emotional distance is the hardest thing for me to cope with!!!! IC sure points that out a lot, tells me I have to learn better ways of coping, that certainly is true.

well tonight i am going to concert, blues travellers with son. i am sure we will have a blast.

last weekend daughter and i camped again, just sat night, in order to see some girl scout friends that were camping this past weekend as opposed to the weekend we were there hosting a site. we had a great time.

daughter told me yesterday, and this thought is sticking in the back of my head... mom, i wish you could be like you are when we were camping all the time. you are so fun, and i think to myself how lucky i am that you are my mom, but then you change when we get home and you are not as much fun, (it is true, i am stressed about something pretty much 95% of the time) and now i will have to wait another year (that last part was hopefully kinda a joke, we won't be camping again until next year, i know camping is not really the only time i am "fun" as she puts it, which means, less stressed and just enjoying life, but she was trying to make a point).

my son was around at the time and he echo'ed her thoughts...

i have to agree with them. i am uptight 95% of the time. and i am a lot more fun the other 5% and i certainly enjoy life a lot more.

i want to change those percentages!!!

thanks for posting.

FL,

Well, it seems to me you have the clue. What changes when you are out camping with the kids? Why is that more fun than other things? Is it possible for your whole family to go camping and let your H see the fun you as well. Heck, it would be a good excuse to shoot pictures. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is time to let go of something FL, and when you do I am guessing it will mean you let go of what led you to the A and your marriage to where it is. Just have to focus on it a bit. My recommendation...go camping more often and go with the whole crew.

God Bless,

JL

Are you spending your 15 hours/week with H? Is it really 'together' time or are you each doing your own thing?

Apart from that, can you think of reasons you might sabotage yourself? Are you rebelling against something?

dewt (the question guy)

H does not like camping, we went once early in our marriage and it was not a good experience for him. he never went as a kid. it is definitly not his thing.

except for girl scout camping and sleeping in the tent in the back yard, we have never taken the kids camping. kinda a shame, i think camping is fun.

about 5 yrs ago, i tried the next thing up, rented a "rustic" cottage at a retreat center right off the michigan dunes. i say rustic because it is no where near a 4star hotel. it is a very modest small house really. but it is not lived in year round and it shows. it is a church retreat center. the kitchens are old with old stoves/refigerators, the bathroom is usable but not sparkling (ok, the tub had mildew, H had a really hard time with that) and there was NO tv which i loved but H had hard time not having around. in my opinion the time there was awesome, this was way before we had our vacation home, we just bummed around, spent a lot of time on the dunes. kids had a great time. H stated he never wanted to go again.

HOWEVER, i must now add, he has this summer stated he would go there again.

I have been there a few times with the the women at my church, on retreat, that is how i heard of the place. last year when i did not sign up early enough for this girl scout camping activity, i took just my daughter to the retreat center instead. renting an even smaller place than what we did when the family went (the place i rented originally with the entire family was actually their nicest accomadations for my H sake) So her and i still had our weekend away time. this year my son asked me if i would take just him for a weekend and i said yes. at that time H did state he would be willing to go there again now as a family. but son already had it in his head to have just a mom/son retreat so that is what we are doing this year. maybe next summer we would all go but in reality, we do have a vaction house now so why would we want to rent a place somewhere else. i guess there are 2 reasons, #1 the dunes, it lots of fun for kids, the waves and all #2 NO TV <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

the thing is, although daughter singled out camping, i know it is not really just then. i know that when i am off on an adventure with just the kids i am more relaxed. i feel more comfortable to just be silly and have fun. i do silly things that a typical 41yr old mom would not be doing, play tricks on them, crack jokes, i.e. act a bit childish, but in a playful way. when i am home with just the kids, i tend to want to clean house, which of course they don't like, say it is no fun but what kid would want to spend time cleaning house. i try to offset the drugery of cleaning with a planned activity afterwards for them to look forward to. sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't lately they have been getting much better at helping me with house cleaning.

the problem arises when either my H is home or he is expected to be home shortly. i feel it in myself, so i know they pick up on it. i get all tense, filled with anxity. i worry he will be in a bad mood, i worry he will be unhappy about how the house looks or, you name it, i worry about it. my personality changes. i believe my H does not like the silly part of me.

i'm not comfortable being relaxed around him.

now, that's a pretty strong stmt to say, isn't it? and i am trying to accept that it is MY problem, not his. one i have to solve. how do i learn to be comfortable around a person i have not been comfortable around for so long.

you say i am holding on to something and i have to beleive you are right, i just don't really know what exactly it is and how to let it go. of course there is one obvious answer, resentment, i must be holding on to a lot of resentment towards my H. althought it does not feel like resentment really... it feels more like disappointment, does that make any sense. some things are little issues, some are big. i wish he wanted more kids, i wanted a big family, he wanted just the two (especially after losing one child between the two we have now). i wish he would enjoy riding bikes with me, we did that when we dated. i wish he would enjoy concerts. as we all know, he will go with me, he went to Prince, but he didn't really enjoy it, i mean he was nice about it, but i know he didn't enjoy it. i don't really enjoy sporting events, but when i go with him to hockey or baseball or whatever, i enjoy it anyway. golf has never been my thing, but i enjoy it anyway, i enjoy being with him.

i guess this goes back to why i decided i wanted a divorce in the first place. i gave up all hope that we could ever have a truely close relationship, that we were friends in any way shape or form. and maybe i am living too much in the past still. refusing to see the progress that has been made. refusing to risk truely believing it us??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you spending your 15 hours/week with H? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">no, we have never discussed this being a goal.

Well NOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FL,

I think you are getting somewhere. Your H likes recreation, specifically golf, and you have a strong need for recreational companionship. That is what I am reading isn't it???

Soooo, it seems to me you two need to POJA this very straight forward thing. Oh! and while you are at it tell him you need to be "silly" and you need to "laugh" and you need to "giggle and play jokes", AND you feel he would not like you if you did. Talk with him about this, because I am betting while he may be uncomfortable "letting loose", he may well find the smile on your face very appealling.

TALK FL, speak to the man. You are starting to sort some things out and with a little imagination you two AND the kids could find some things you really do like, maybe it is hiking with you and kids being silly, and he taking pictures. I don't know but sit down with him and brainstorm this.

It's coming FL, don't despair, you will find what you are looking for.

God Bless,

JL