I left my wife for another woman almost 2 years ago, but things went badly with the L so I moved back into my house with my W within 2 months. That led to open communication and eventual reconciliation. I've worked very hard to make sure all of her needs are met and that she has nothing to worry about, but she still won't trust me. I always get the feeling that she's making careful preparations for the day when I falter again due to simple exhaustion from trying so hard to make this work. My fears were realized a few weeks ago when I found all sorts of documents, letters, pictures etc about my affair and financial affairs. Now I can't trust her either - I confronted her about it several times now but she has either blown it off to avoid conflict or simply ignored my concerns. Our mutual lack of trust is causing us to sit stagnant and not pursue any plans or even work towards our goals since neither one of us can move forward out of fear of losing what we've got. This is driving me crazy! I want to move forward or divorce but she is too afraid to do either. We talked last night and I told her exactly what I've just written - she said no to the divorce and then diverted the conversation onto business matters without ever addressing the issues. I know I was a [censored] for having an affair. I know it was wrong and I'd never do it again - she simply doesn't show me any affection (I love to cuddle and do romantic things) and our sex life has always been pretty bad (Foreplay to her is forbidden!! Wham Bam Thank You Maam is all she allows - I love foreplay more than the actual sex act) What can I do???

I guess I am not understanding why you wouldn't trust her? What am I missing here? Wasn't it you who had the affair? Do you suspect she is having an affair or something? I see nothing here that could possibly cause you to distrust her.

And how long have you been home from your affair?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I left my wife for another woman almost 2 years ago, but things went badly with the L so I moved back into my house with my W within 2 months. That led to open communication and eventual reconciliation. I've worked very hard to make sure all of her needs are met and that she has nothing to worry about, but she still won't trust me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course she shouldn't trust you, you are an untrustworthy person. You had an affair and left her for 2 years. She would be INSANE to trust you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I always get the feeling that she's making careful preparations for the day when I falter again due to simple exhaustion from trying so hard to make this work. My fears were realized a few weeks ago when I found all sorts of documents, letters, pictures etc about my affair and financial affairs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A betrayed spouse should ALWAYS take steps to PROTECT herself from an untrustworthy spouse. This is what she is doing because you can't be trusted. This is a rational response to your past behavior.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I can't trust her either - I confronted her about it several times now but she has either blown it off to avoid conflict or simply ignored my concerns. Our mutual lack of trust is causing us to sit stagnant and not pursue any plans or even work towards our goals since neither one of us can move forward out of fear of losing what we've got.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, you don't deserve trust from her. Trust has to be EARNED. You can't just DEMAND it. She has done nothing to betray your trust, however, so it is ludicrous to mistrust her simply because she is protecting herself FROM YOU. There is nothing untrustworthy in her actions.

And you want to "move on?" Give me a small break. Dream on. You caused the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit and deeply wounded this woman. Do you tell people whose children are killed to just forget it and "move on?" How selfish can you get?

What is causing your "stagnation" is your complete and utter thoughlessness and insensitivy about the damage you have caused in your marriage. You want to just move on like nothing happened. Sorry, but thats not how it happens. You have damage to clean up first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it was wrong and I'd never do it again - she simply doesn't show me any affection (I love to cuddle and do romantic things) and our sex life has always been pretty bad (Foreplay to her is forbidden!! Wham Bam Thank You Maam is all she allows - I love foreplay more than the actual sex act) What can I do??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee, I can't believe she doesn't feel affection towards some jerk who betrays her in the worst way and then tells her to "get over it!"

Why not do some reading and learn about the damage you have caused before you permanently destroy your marriage? Your W has given you a second chance that she didn't have to give, don't blow it with your unrealistic expectations. A good book is Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. You could BOTH benefit from them.

Melodylane,

********Edited by JustUss***********People come to places like this for help and direction and your advice boils down to telling me to shut up and live with it since I initiated an affair. Many factors led US down that road. 13 years of neglect and pleading and talking didn't get through to her, but 2 months away from me made her realize that I really am a great guy - You obviously don't understand the principles that this site teaches or else you wouldn't make ****edited**** comments like you did. ****edited****You attempted to use my own words to incriminate me when it's obvious from your first post that you hadn't even bothered to fully read or understand my post. I'm looking for advice from intelligent, grounded people who can reasonably make suggestions as to how we may proceed forward in our lives. So anyone else ****edited****have anything constructive to say???

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Adrift, I'm sorry I didn't give you the answer you wanted to hear, but I calls em like I sees em. Your rabid, hateful overreaction doesn't surprise me in light of the way you are treating your W.

Adrift,

I would like to say Welcome to MB and how about we start over?

First of all I would like to suggest that you get a profile.That way anyone that sees your posts will have an idea what has happened to you and your W.

Second,I'm not sure when exactly you went back to your W,was it 2 months ago? If so,then your W has a LOT of emotions welled up inside that need to be dealt with especially after you being away with another woman for 2 years.That is a lot to handle and it sounds as though your W was being proactive in case you were to leave her for good.I have done the same,copying documents and collecting financial papers in case things turned ugly with my WH.She was actually very smart to do that, to protect herself and any children you might have.

Are you both in counseling? How long has the affair(A) been over? Are you no longer in contact whatsoever with the other woman(OW)? If not,you should be.One very big,glaring reason your W cannot trust you is that the trust simply isn't there yet.You may be doing things that your W feels are not in her best interest whether or not you know it.

Good thing here is that you both do not want a divorce(D) and so you have the opportunity to make things the best they can be.Maybe you can suggest this site tyo your W so we can help her.Also,give us a little more info ok?

Please don't be discouraged.We can help you.

O

Dear Adrift,

I hope you're still reading this in spite of your other post.

If I read you right you are now almost 2 years into recovery. It seems important to me to find out where things went wrong in the recovery, because some trust should have been restored by now I think. There is plently of material here on the MB site, please check carefully what you both might have missed.

In my case, what held me back for some time, was the fact that I'm lousy at expressing anger. I was angry at H but covered it up in sadness. Then one day I told myself hey, it's ok to be angry. No need to lash out and kill anyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but I don't have to be ashamed about being angry. And ever since then I've been doing much better.

I don't know what is holding you guys back. There are a few possibilities:
- if you are still in contact with OW, even it's 100% correct now, this will set recovery back
- W has not been able (too scared to express herself) to talk about her real feelings and fears concerning the A
- W has not found her self-esteem back
- no interest in foreplay is a big red flag for me that W has problems here, not with you, but with intimacy and feeling ok with her body or sex etc. - not an easy subject I'll agree
- are you meeting each other's EN? is this something that can be talked about without LB'ing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Adrift in Naples:
<strong> I left my wife for another woman almost 2 years ago, but things went badly with the L so I moved back into my house with my W within 2 months.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm... please read this again carefully.. it SOUNDS (I'm saying sounds, not is) that you moved back in with your W because this was convenient for you? Not because you realised you still loved her? If your EN have not been met (maybe never) in this M that might explain what you said here.. please come back to me on this one!

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

TRUST after an affair is not like winning the lottery. Instant payday.... no.

TRUST after an affair is more like a paycheck .... it must be earned. Most often slowly, because you start over with a negative balance.

If you don't feel trusted after your affair , it is likely you have not yet earned that paycheck.

If you try to force your wife to pay you with TRUST before you've done the work to earn that privilege, she's going to think you are trying to reach into her bank account and rip her off again.

Relax
Do the work
Slow and steady wins the race in recovery trust rebuilding
No grabbing allowed
No whining allowed (that it's "taking too long")
Your account was in the red for a long time
Be patient

Pep

Melody,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee, I can't believe she doesn't feel affection towards some jerk who betrays her in the worst way and then tells her to "get over it!" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something my WW has said to me for years and years. "Get over it", "So what," "Big Deal", "Let it go".

No resolution, just move on. I have told her that answers like this just solidify the insecurity she created with her initial dishonesty.

Hey Adrift,

I read your post and let me see if I got this straight .... You had an affair and left for "2 months" and that happened "2 years" ago. The issue you wanted advice on is "trust" - Her for you and you for her.

I don't how those "2 months" were for your W - maybe she is just protecting her best interests and not the best interest of the M. Can you blame her for not trusting you??? But, after 13 years of marital problems - left unattended something is bound to happen!!!!

You have to accept there might always be a lack of "trust" between you. (No finger pointing here), but you did have an affair and actually left her .... I don't think you will ever fully restore the "trust" you might of fisrt had.

Let me give you another example on a different topic of betrayal - living w/ a Complusive Gambler ... in one of the meetings a man who had been "somber" for 15 years, got caught in traffic and come home 1 1/2 hours later than "usual". His wife had his stuff packed and was saying no more. (after 15 years)(URGH!).

As far as you "trusting" her ... try to understand her motives and work from there. She may not feel "secure" and she may be making her "move" (just in case you stray again).

MC for the both of you. You both need to ask your questions and get your answers. (hopefully with honesty - Honesty is always a great trust builder in my book!!!!

(This is from a BS not a WS)

Adrift,

You can help build her trust by being open: openly show her your financial documents, phone records, travel tickets, credit card statements etc. Put this in a folder and tell her it's on the shelf. Update that folder at the end of each month. Let it be you to show her everything, so she doesn't have to look for 'evidence' anymore. In addition, you can also share passwords to bank accounts, cell phone, email... this is a step further that not many people are willing to take.

Do this in a sincere attempt to EARN that trust. Do not do it grudgingly. She doesn't have anything to hide, and neither should you. Do things that constantly tell her that you are sharing YOUR life with her, and you are not fooling around behind her back anymore.

Adrift, your W has been very hurt, and she is only protecting herself from being hurt again. As with all BSs, we wonder why we have been blindsided for so long. I hope you understand.

As for SF, coax her lovingly. Every woman likes that. Foreplay doesn't have to start in bed.

Be patient, be consistent, have faith in yourself, and all the best, R.

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: Ruffled ]</small>