This is the time of day I like to call the Dead Zone (sorry for the copyright Stephen King).

You see, my WW gets out of work in 17 min. She will shortly call me (I hope) and tell me the following:

1) I am going to OM house to meditate to ensure that the P goes well (see previous posts for health update) and be home in 1 to 2 hours.

2) I am coming home.

Since she is still so darn foggy, I think we all know what she is going to do. So now what do I do?

The next four or so hours (she will most likely be home around 12:30 or 1:00am -- sarcasm on: and be so rested for our twins at 7:00am :sarcasm off) will be an absolute horror for me. I can't even play video games I get so worked up.

I will likely be ill, pace for about 2 hours (some excersise), cry while watching our two kids sleep, watch 30 seconds of 30 TV shows, try to plan out wether or not I am going to tell the OM family about the A and the P, curse my counsler for going on vacation and wish I could preform a partial lobotomy to remove the part of my brain that is still in love with her. I might have a beer too.

I picked up some Tylenol PM to try and sleep tonight. That, along with ONE beer should help.

Well, at least I found out that I will not be responsible for the OC, if it arrives. And since my WW is such a fit, baby making machine, I am sure it will. Well, if our marriage lasts, I will welcome the OC. She wants it to have the OM last name. That stinks.

Just had to rant. Any buddy need a beer to chill out with?

Dear CTH, I totally understand your pain whilst in the dead zone. My WW does this to me with excuses of Girls night's out and visiting friends. What I have found is that you need to keep lots of good poeple close by at this time. Tell them why you will need a little support and apologise n advance for this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . It's amazing how much support you will get if you ask for it. You need to have good people around to keep you occupied, or talk to when your WW is not home. Try not to spend the time sitting at home on your own, this drives me nuts. Get some of the books that the site recommends, and keep them close for those times when you are lonely. Also, keep posting as it really does help you to cope with the situation. Whilst it may not seem possible, things will get better for you.

Well, I am offically in the Dead Zone. She called, told me she is off to another session of meditation. When I asked how long, she actually sounded annoyed and said "It depends if he wants to talk or not". I am taking that as a sign -- even though I should not--. I think she may be saying that to try and make me happy. I think ARRRRRGGHHHH

I like your idea of suport, I may call a friend shortly. But will most likely not.

This is the worst. Our wonderfull kids are sleeping soundly, I am home and enjoyed the few hours I got to spend with them before they went to sleep and my wife is carrying another mans baby and thinks that its OK for them to touch each other and talk about a circle of love with the baby, father and mother. It makes me sick.

THe anger is so comforting. When your mad, you do not feel the hurt. When your mad you think you can fix it and make it better. WHen your mad the white glow washes out the red pain. When your mad you can do anything!

Of course, when your mad you make absolutly no right decisions and most likely end up in jail. I think I want to be a dog or a cat so that the only pain I can feel is physical pain. This emotional pain is a real bite.

CTH - Do not sit there alone and get angry. Get on the phone and talk to someone who will "listen" or invite someone over to watch TV. I found that I had to tell some people that I just needed someone to listen to me, as opposed to them giving me advice.
Getting angry is not good. I found that hate and anger which are understandable emotions under the circumstances actually wound me up very tight. Can you get some time for yourself where you can go to the gym and workout, punch a punching bag, or play some squash? This will help you immensely! Keep posting and asking for help and advice?

CTH, you should also seek out the experts for advice on PLAN A. People like ARK and Orchid. Create a new post and ask for their help in the title bar.
I had a read of your other post, and mate you are a truly great person. All I can do is re-iterate what renaisance man said above;
*Keep busy
* spend time with your good friends
*get into Marriage counselling ASAP, even if it is on your own,
* Physical Exercise and eat well
* ask for gods help as he will help even if it it doesn't appear that he is listening.
Take care becuase you WILL work through this!!!

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 04:02 AM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

Well, the dead zone lasted until 1:00am. Even w/tylenol PM, I still managed to be awake for most of the night.

I think I may need to excersise more.

Does it mean anything when she comes home that she honestly looks and acts like she wants to talk to me? And does? She mentioned that she knew she should only stay for the meditation (is that crap or what?) and leave, but she continues to stay and 'talk'.

I still think I have sucker painted on my forehead.

Well, its 7:30 am, only 14.5 hours to go until tonights Dead Zone.

CTH - You definitely would benefit from some physical exercise. The other thing that I would suggest is to start making plans to do things with your friends. You need some time out from the situation that you are in. Make your WS stay home and take some of the responsibilities while you get out and do some things that you enjoy.
Plan things in advance with her, then book a dance class, go to a boxing lesson, movies (not mushy ones) whatever.
If she wants to talk, great then let her talk to you. Try to avoid getting into the I love you and I miss you type discusions. I am not sure wether I read it here or if someone posted me, but try to keep the conversation light and avoid at all costs getting bogged down in any LB'ing (blaming, running down the OP, etc) as this will only reinforce the false beleifes that you are a bad guy.
You want her to see the "great guy" that you really are, not the product of this current situation. Try to let her do the "most of the talking". I found that my WW would start the conversations and then get me to do most of the talking. I would tell her everything that I felt which seemed to make her feel better and me feel bad. It was difficult keeping my trap closed and there were periods of silence of up to 5mins whilst she was waiting for me to start the conversation. In the quite periods I just looked lovingly into her eyes and smiled sincerely ( no contempt, no smirking, no sneering, etc).
Keep posting and keep BUSY as things will and do get become clearer and better!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Well, back in the dead zone. I did get out and play a round of golf with my two brothers and father. That was a nice way to spend the day. Of course, it still came crashing down about an hour ago when she told me she was going for another 'session'. I just hope she comes home before 1:00am. The sleeping pills work pretty good, but when she comes home that late and I am a bit loopy, I screw up.

How in the world do people find the strength to do this? I have never herd of this type of torture before.

RM, I love your advice, and welcome others. I would love to be able to have some sort of life. How does one do that with 3 year old twins and a WW that does not want to be around you?

The problem I have with doing things is this:
1: I work from 7:00am until at least 5:00pm w/a a 1/2 hour drive both ways. When I get home before 6:00pm, its unusual (I know that the math does not add up, but it is construction season in Buffalo).

2: WW works from 5:15 till 9:00pm. We have baby sitters every day for the overlap. Then, she goes out w/him for a 'session' until at least 12:00am, if not 1:00am.

3: On the weekends, we try to stick together. Our MC tells us we should be trying to do stuff together.

If we do stuff apart, when she stays home, she practically counts the hours and demands to have an equal or more amount of time away. When I am home alone, the thoughts come. The bad thoughts. I get jealous, mad, sad, confused .....

When my kids are stressed out, I have used the 'misdirection' technique with a good degree of sucess. When I am stressed out, the plan does not work as good on me.

I have never been good at doing things that I like. I tend to be a bit of a wallflower. I like people and conversation, not actually doing things. At the same time, I tend to be an intravert (unless typing) Obviously that makes no sense, but my point is, I am not sure how to do things with friends. I have always been more of a follower not a leader when it comes to friends.

Oh well. Thursday is another day closer to the end.

Wish me luck. And good luck to you all!

My heartfelt sympathy for the truckload of crap you are swallowing regarding this pregnancy and these "sessions"....however [and I say this as a pregnant woman] in due time [heh] this pregnancy will end one way or another. I suppose then that the "sessions" will need to be renamed of course. Some sort of arrangement made to accomodate the sad fact that although you are not the childs father..you will be it's acting father...except when you aren't...have the two of you discussed whose opinion wins in a disagreement between you and uncle dad? How about financially? Who will be insuring the child? Who will be claiming it as a dependent? Who will be in the delivery room? Who will be footing the hospital bill? [It had better be the same name for both re last 2 questions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ]. Now that I've beaten the father issue to death with a stick..have the two of you discussed who will be filling the role of husband? Have you chosen a time to enact plan B? It is understandable..probably wise not to give her a reason to blame you for pg problems while in plan A [I am in awe..see above statement regarding truckload of crap...Noodle is aware that she is not of the strong ilk you clearly hail from..Leave and take your [censored] with you would be my default response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ]

and I hit the wrong button..so that last one ends before I was done and seems harsher than I intended....so sorry, many apologies..[embarrassed blushing]

So, anyway.....

I can't even imagine what you must be going through. To sit and know that you are being betrayed..that you marriage is being made a mockery of..that she feels no shame in flaunting another mans child under your nose...Ill doesn't cover it, and there aren't enough beers...as for the tylenol..it probably won't help..but take unisom instead..or simply sleep..no sense damaging your liver with undue acetaminaphine exposure. Not to mention it will work less well for your..probably frequent headaches. These hours of living death, my heart breaks. The ground weeps. The very rocks cry out at the injustice of your situation. No one reading this could not be willing to have them both cast away..expelled from society, and yet you..who are most harmed are waiting to extend her grace. It is both beautifull and terrible. If only she could be gratefull for the intensity of your devotion...if only she could see the ugly pallor of what she is doing with herself, smell the fetid aroma perfuming her betrayal. Vipers disdain her actions as both cowardly and wicked. Yet you declare her worthy and redeemable. You wish to offer her succor and reinstate her status as Mom, and Wife..whichever way the tide turns for this marriage, the world is a better place for having you in it. Never doubt your value, don't let them take that away from you. Be at peace, the trees bow as you pass...Noodle <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Bro - you are an incredible human being, WW will some day come to realise this, but in the mean time, GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT!! . About getting time for yourself, is there any chance of you asking family or close friends to babysit whilst WW is away? I am sure that given your situation someone would be more than willing to cut a trooper such as yourself some slack.
Also, could you take the the child with you on an outing with a friend to
* coffee
* to dinner,
* to go bowling
* Invite friends over to your place, to chew the fat, watch a movie, cook dinner, etc
* to a gym with childcare. There are probably others that you can think of.
Also, there must be a community or mothers group that you could hook up with for some company / relief? Not suggesting anything naughty, just moral support as you don't need any more problems.
Chin up Champ, I like everyone that has read your plight is both touched and proud of you.

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Well, the dead zone only lasted until 12:30 last night. No talking when she got home, I was mostly sleeping, so I tried not to wake up.

Noodle, thank you for the kind words. I truly appreciate it. I do not think that trees are bowing to me, but it is an honor to have such kind words written about me. Thank you again.

With regards to the OC, if we stay together, I want to raise it as mine and keep the OM out of our lives forever. Currently, my WW tells me that is out of the question, that the OM wants and deserves to be part of his childs life. I cannot fault a person for wanting to help raise there own kid, butttt.

W/regards to the delivery and such, the current plan is for me to not be involved at all. I cannot go to the Dr. w/her and I imagine she will not want me in the hospital w/her.

I am going to try and see about doing other things. Trouble with that is, I never get to see my kids. I try to be a good dad, but twins at 3 years old are tough on your own. I have no idea how, but my WW took both our kids grocery shopping yesterday. I can't imagine how hard that was. She can be pretty amazing.

I have to focus on what is good about her, otherwise I will sucumb to my fear, which will lead to anger, which will lead to me kicking her out or leaving. Fear is the mind killer.

I was screaming in my car last night on the way home thinking that I am not strong enough for this task of plan A. Things always seem better in the morning.

I will be in touch.

RM, thanks for the suggestiongs. I am going to start building up my support network of family and friends to try and regain some sort of life. Maybe I will enroll at the Gym my WW and the OM work at?? Maybe not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will be back.

And I will try to keep my posts more organized and not jump around so much.

Good to see you have a sense of humor and good to see that you are looking ahead to the future.
I would however suggest a different gym as this will help / force you to make some new friends.
I can't say much more other than how proud I am of you for handling things as well as you are. My situation is a litlle different to yours as we don't have kids, and I don't think I was handling it as well as you for quite a while. I know I am sounding like a broken record, but make sure you keep posting, keep reading, and keep busy!! I may be offline for a while, so don't think i am ignoring you if you don't hear from me for a while.

CTH,

Hang in there man. Try to avoid WW as much as possible. When you have to talk, keep Plan A as much as possible.

I was once in your shoes. I stayed with XWW because we already had two other children of our own and I didn't want to lose them in any way. I raised that daughter as my own; however, I think that daughter was betrayed by her mother more than I was. She is now 34, a wife, and a mother of four.

RM is trying to get you to get out of your funk and start doing things for YOU and your twins. When your WW starts to see that you are really moving on without her, she will start to wake up.


Noodle,

You are awsome! Your way with words leaves me speechless. I got a kick out of your vent on your thread. You are correct. My XWW lied, cheated, and gave me the runaround for 15 years. We were divorced on 2 June 1981, and I am STILL angry. I don't care what anyone says, I will never forgive her. Nothing the children or I did was worth the pain she caused us.

Well, I am in the dead zone again. It does not feel too bad. I had a good night. Took the kids for a walk around the block (my DD picked a dandy-lion, smelled it- pretended to sneeze, complete with AH AH AH CHOOOOO and gave it to me), let them jump in some mud puddles, fed them a late night (7:10 pm) cereal and then gave them a bath. It is good to be alive and have kids.

Then, I even zoned out in front of the tube, one of my favorite all time passions that I have not been able to enjoy for quite some time.

She called. She is going for a 'session' but told me she would be home by midnight. Whatever. I think she wants to leave me. I am gonna let her go, keep the door open for a while, and see what happens. My other thread (should I tell the OM family) has a lot more detail if your interested. I chickened out on confronted the OM family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I feel pretty good right now and plan on 0 sleeping pills tonight.

Noodle, a leaf fell from a tree at my feet while on my walk. Not quite a bow, but nice none the less.

Thanks again, and if anyone else is in the dead zone, come on in and vent.

How's it going CTH. I guess I am feeling a bit like you have been. My WS is planning on heading out again tonight so I am at a bit of a loose end till I find someone to catch up with. May try catching a movie or something, but definitely not going to give WW the satifaction of thinking that I am waiting for her to fill the void.
I like your attitude about looking ahead and getting on with your life, that's really positive. As suggestion why don't we remane this time to
1. "SELF IMPROVEMENT ZONE" or
2. "TIME OUT for DOING STUFF I LIKE ZONE"
3. "It's great being away from the foggy lady zone"
4. "TIME to CATCH up with good friends ZONE"

Take care and like my good friend used to say "Don't let the b@rstards wear you down" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 11:02 PM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

"the Dead Zone" thats such a great description. My WW is taking every opportunity to be apart from me. Not with OM to be fair just away from me. But then again she has done this for at least a year before the A. This Weekend she will spend at our holiday home with her sister and both sets of kids without husbands. She will, no doubt, tell her how wonderful this OM is, and that its true love, and how boring an dpreductable I have become, and how she's staying with me for the kids etc etc. It kills me, that talk. Its like spreading justification of her betrayal amongst those who love her enough to say teh words she wants to hear. When I am near I can remind her of my merits, when I am not I can do nothing but dry heave and cry. Save me Lord. Good luck CTH. Your situation is far worse than mine, but even my relatively little heartbreak is enough to kill me.

C'mon guys, lets look at the upside, while they are complaining to someone else, we get a break from it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .
Hey, don't sweat the crap that the WS's are spreading, from the postings of others on the site this seems normal. All we can do is do our best to improve ourselves and inturn proving them wrong. We really need to focus on doing things that make us feel better and that actually improve our prospects during this "quite time". Wether we improve our prospects with our WS's or with someone else that will appreciate us for what we have to offer it doesn't matter. Let's go and learn how to Salsa dance, speak french, or whatever, it doesn't matter. Let's keep posting and supporting each other...

Bravo B-trayed.
One key to happyness is optimism. Describing the time as a 'dead zone' is not very optimistic.

Hmmmm, I am gonna start a new thread as a contest to think of a name for the time us BS get to mull our futures.

I will put B-Trayed's entries first.