Many of you may not know me… I’ve posted quite a lot around two years ago. My sig line (see below) sums up my story quite neatly. I was hanging around on MB a while after that, but at some point I stopped as I felt it was hindering my progress in moving on.
Now, I’ve decided to let you know a brief update – mainly for those folks among you who are in despair, have doubts, try the best plan A they can, don’t know whether they should chuck it all in, or go to plan B. I guess I’ve been through all of these phases and just wanted to let you know some positive news, with the hindsight of time and experience.
I moved out over a year ago and implemented a plan B to which I’ve firmly stuck. Only exception: Christmas, when I invited WW over to share that special moment as a family. Then I put myself a deadline of early/mid 2004 to start Divorce proceedings– but thought that before I do this, I want to give it one last try. I’ve invited WW to the cinema on her birthday (we haven’t met for 9 months at that time) – and it felt special, for both of us. We slowly started to do things together again – not frequently, but once in a while, and gently. We also talked once in while about us, and she confirmed what I was feeling: That she was in a deep hole, a depression, of which the affair may have seemed to her as a ‘solution’.
Then we decided to go on holidays together – we went to Naples for a long weekend a while ago, just she and me. It was beautiful, we enjoyed each other’s company, she was lovely, tender, affectionate, funny, cuddly, and I was too (I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). We even made love a few times – but we both noticed that we still have some barriers there which prevent us from a higher level of enjoyment. We both had other sexual experiences since we separated (and she before of course) and I think we (I did in any case) felt it was more exciting with other partners. Clearly, a bit of a bummer, but it would be unreasonable to expect it to be top notch after all what happened.
But the most important thing is that there’s now a sense of common goal and purpose, and genuine respect for each other, appreciation of each other’s strong points and an understanding of each other’s weaknesses, and a much better sense of what one can expect from each other and what not. And there is now a much improved communication which enables us to discuss these things rather than pretending to each other and showing each other only a ‘filtered’ side.
Let’s be clear- we still may be able to go our separate ways. In any case, if we find our ways together again, then it will be on a much different (and better) basis and terms; and if we go our separate ways, it will be for a better, happier future for both..
Lessons learnt? MB principles *do* work. In my case, particularly plan B (plus a mixture of plan A) worked. Plan B was so effective because it removed me from being the perceived cause of her unhappiness and forced her to address and deal with her problems (depression). To her credit, and thanks God, she was able to lift herself out of the hole (with professional help). Without this step, no recovery, no remorse, no healing is possible. And to my credit (if I may say so), I kept the patience and the hope, yet was prepared to let her go, if I had to.
All the best to everyone,
Nick
