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I need to post something because I do suffer from inaction, no action...whatever you want to call it...
My H...well he basically says I live in the past...perhaps I do? Is that WSs say?
It's been three years, he says. Get over it all the while he attempts to seduce me...is it over, I think? Or is it just physical? Or should I CARE?
And I'm certain many of you are saying, Get over it and move forward.
Somehow, I'm frozen. I don't want to be. I'm disappointed in myself and of course, many others.
Just need to vent today...
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Has your WH established NC with OW?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified: <strong>Get over it all the while he attempts to seduce me...is it over, I think? Or is it just physical? Or should I CARE?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dear,
what do you mean with "while he attempts to seduce me"? He is not living with you anymore but he still tries to have sex with you, is that right?
If that is the case it's hard for you to get over it or be over it. If there is no chance for the two of you to be together again you need a life of your own, not the bread crumbs he will throw at you. That would make me feel numb, too.
Please clarify my dear.
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Terrified - Why don't you just come out and ask him what he wants??? A divorce ?? To get back togther what??? Does he even see the other woman??? I mean if you are living in the past - sorry but he is right there with you ..... you have to ask him what he wants and if he says yup I want a divorce - say ok lets file jointly -that way you won't be doing it by yourself... Do you want to be bickering back and forth with him forever with no changes???? Come on now... Enough is enough.... Something has to be done - you might not like it - but at least it will be progress and you can deal with the results.... Act... Move forward....
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified: <strong> I need to post something because I do suffer from inaction, no action...whatever you want to call it...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Terri! Isn't inaction a CHOICE? Should the question be: why do I CHOOSE to do nothing?
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Terrified, Are you separated? If you have been separated for quite sometime...I suggest you move on with your life. In my case, that's the only thing that worked. My W and I were separated for 2 years, after the 1st year and a half or so I moved on so to speak. Of course I still loved her, but I filed for divorce. I remember my W saying fogged out crazy things like "Can't we just be separated forever? Let's just stay astranged??!?! and when I filed for D she was totally shocked, I recall her exact words. "Men don't divorce their wives, I dont believe you filed?"
My W wanted her cake and was eating it too while watching episodes of "Sex N the City". Do not let your S sit calmly on the fence. During my separation I didn't have the support of this site, so I made some mistakes which may have stretched her road back to our M. Please don't make those mistakes. If your H is not home with you and is possibly still seeing the OP you aren't living in the past, You are living in the REALITY. Now is the time to be proactive and claim your life, honestly from my POV it's the only chance you have at happiness with or without your H. People who have the strength to move on are MUCH more attractive than people who pine, I pinned and then I eventually woke up. I had to wake up or remain miserable.
Carpe Diem <small>[ July 28, 2004, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>
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Hello everyone and thank-you for your replies.
Believer, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has your WH established NC with OW? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who knows? My H is still gone and I choose not to know...
BH, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If there is no chance for the two of you to be together again you need a life of your own, not the bread crumbs he will throw at you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I know if there is a real chance? What he says and what he does are often two different things. And of course, I hate crumbs and have told him so.
Maw, Why should I file jointly? He can do the work can't he? If he left and he wants a divorce, what can't he do what's necessary?
Melody, Yes, inaction is a choice but for some reason, I'm frozen.
FM, I am separated and have been since oct'01. Are you suggesting that I file? What did you do to "move on"? Was your spouse convinced of divorce?
Thanks again to all of you.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why should I file jointly? He can do the work can't he? If he left and he wants a divorce, what can't he do what's necessary? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terri,
WHY would he? He has got it easy with the status quo. He has his own place...living his own life..."visiting" with his daughter when it suits him...not "having" to contribute CS...can jerk your chain when he needs amusement... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
The list goes on and on as to why he isn't doing anything.
The most important thing to ask is...
Why aren't YOU doing anything about it?
JMHO committed
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Adding...
Why do you and his parents tolerate such abominable behavior and treatment from him?
Do you realize that you are teaching your DD to accept the same type of treatment from him?
When is he going to start the same tactics with her?
Do you realize that you are leading by example... your DD will think that this is the acceptable way to be treated in a marriage? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
What are going to do when you witness that?
He is doing what he does because he has been catered to in such a way that it is a way of life for him.
The people around him live in some type of fear from him and his actions...and then his Mother has the audacity to blame YOU if he gets put in jail because YOU won't let him "be there for you" (my translation "___ing you")!?!?! What's up with that?
He is a little boy that still throwing tantrums that sends everyone to do his bidding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
YOU need to stop this. It is within your power..when are you going to figure that out?
I know...I know...I should have stopped while I was being respectful. This just frosts my cookies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
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Why should I file jointly?
Because, sweetie, you've been miserable long enough.
And, quite honestly, you can have this same relationship with him. -He'll still try to manipulate you. -He still won't meet his obligations. -He'll still disappoint you. -And, more than likely, he'll still try to seduce you. -You're MIL will still tell you she wishes everyone would be at peace.
However, you would have the option of saying, "get over it people I'm moving on with my life" and hopefully full custody full custody of your daughter, so that taking her away from you isn't a part of his arsenal against you.
If your H would actually want you as a lover, friend, wife...he'd then have to take real action to make that a possibility and for you to stop the divorce action.
You've become habituated to unhappiness and the dismal way he treats you.
That isn't a positive choice for you or for your daughter.
You're a compassionate, caring, sweet person, move out from the dark, raining, thundering cloud of your H.
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Oh Gee. This NEVER happens to me. just everyone else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <small>[ July 29, 2004, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>
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Terri,
Some questions that should help get you off the fence. If you dare to answer them - truly from the heart, there is no way in the world you will consider that the status quo is acceptable. So read at your own risk.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
What keeps you locked in inaction?
What kind of price have you paid for that inaction so far?
What kind of price has your daughter paid for your inaction?
And the real kicker: What price will she pay in the future - in her relationships because you have taught her that it's acceptable to be a doormat for an angry, thankless, bully of a man?
This is not normal or healthy for her. But you are tolerating it because YOU are afraid of change. You would rather endure the pain of martyrdom, being alone, ignored, tromped on, etc. than face the great unknown. This is what I don't understand - what could possibly be worse than emotional divorce and abuse from the creep you call "husband"?
But ... your resistance to change is teaching your daughter something you don't want her to learn. She is learning to NOT be resilient. She will struggle with change - possibly even worse than you. So what happens when things change in her life? If this continues much longer, Terri, you can bet that some serious emotional scars will be the price SHE pays for your inaction. And it won't just be your husband's fault. He was the catalyst that forced this change upon you. But you were the one who decided that you weren't worth standing up for.
Is this the lesson you want her to learn? Because if you resist change much longer, you don't get to choose any other lesson for her.
Please have some self-respect and move on. Way on!
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Terrified - I said to file jointly - because well you don't want to be the one to do it - and he doesn't want to be the one to do it but you are both stuck - him saying you are clinging onto the past and you well clinging on to what may have been - or what was...
In my case - my husband was the one that wanted the divorce - he was the one with the girlfriend and I was in love with him still - BUT - he did not want to be married and after only about 6 months - of being lied to and decieved after I found out about the affair - and then to find out it was still going on - I said ok fine you want a divorce you can have it.. So I got a lawyer - we filed jointly because it was cheaper - it only cost me $1500.00 - the lawyer was in a sense mine and he was representing himself - and all of the issues were worked out with my lawyer - and it was filed in like July - went to court in September - and granted complete total divorce in January.. Was I ever happy about any of this - NOPE - Did I ever want it or see it coming - NOPE - but the simple truth is - he didn't want to be married and somewhere in my mind I thought that my kids deserved a better mother - than the emotional wreck that I had become in that time of utter despair. My kids are adjusting well - they are now 11 and 14 and they were 8 and 11 at the time - their dad doesn't have much to do with them but they know that I am their 100% and that I didn't want to divorce but I wasn't left a choice. I don't really date - but I hope to someday -- but right now - my kids deserve one parent.. And in my eyes they deserve one sane parent because well frankly their dad has lost it - and if I didn't get divorced I am afraid that they never would have had a sane parent.... Am I happy - NO but I am relieved that I do not have to go through the crap - I am happy that I don't have to be made to feel worthless... I am stronger than I ever thought that I would be - I can do things now that I never thought I could... And you know what you can to - because well lets face you are in a sense already divorced... You don't live with him, he doesn't pay child support, he has his own life - and basically you have no life at all... And I don't mean that mean but you are holding yourself back from finding true happiness that you deserve. You know your daughter may be young but the one thing you should know is they are not stupid... She knows how her mom feels when he dad is around... You need to set yourself free... You are holding on to nothing and taking all of the crap... OK???
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Believer, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has your WH established NC with OW? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who knows? My H is still gone and I choose not to know...
You choose not to know, Terri, because you refuse to ask a simple question. You choose not to ask the question, because why?
...because you are afraid of getting the answer yes, and then you would have to take a step towards D?
...you choose not to ask the question because you are afraid of him exploding at you...and you would then have to face that he is STILL aggressive towards you...
...you choose not to ask the question because you think HE should come to you and beg to be taken back...THEN you can ask the question and lay down the law...
...you choose not to ask the question because you are afraid he will say it's none of your business, meaning then that your lives really are separate emotionally....forcing to look at the fact that you need to move on emotionally....
...you must know why you do not ask the question....at this point, 3 years later, the only fair thing to your daughter is for you to move on one way or the other....by asking the question....and facing the consequences
BH, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If there is no chance for the two of you to be together again you need a life of your own, not the bread crumbs he will throw at you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I know if there is a real chance? What he says and what he does are often two different things. And of course, I hate crumbs and have told him so.
How do you know if there is a real chance? You have to ask if there is a real chance and risk getting the answer no.
You aren't specific enough about what he says and what he does. The impression I get is that you NEVER talk about your R at all, but that he comes around and helps out doing the lawn, etc, and comes on to you sexually, still....how is that doing and saying different things? You want to still be married, but when he comes on to you, you are frosty and reject him, WITHOUT attempting to talk to him about where your R is at right now....
...what do you want him to do, Terri, that he is not doing...come crawling back, saying sorry and begging you to take him back, promising to do everything you ask him to? If that's what you want him to do, then tell him what you want him to do....
...if you want a reconciliation...YOU have to give him the GAME PLAN...at this point, he ain't going to think it up himself....
I hate crumbs and I have told him so
So what are you going to do about it besides sitting there and accepting crumbs? Because that's exactly what you are doing, AND you are teaching your daughter that that's an acceptable way to live...
Why should I file jointly? He can do the work can't he? If he left and he wants a divorce, what can't he do what's necessary?
Why not? You've given him three years to mend his ways and prove to you that he is the man you want him to be....according to what you tell us, he hasn't done that...so why shouldn't you file?
The way you say it here, it sounds angry and snippy - yes, he is the guy who had the affair and treated you badly....but YOU are the one who is continuing the marriage and allowing him to get away with no consequences....D is not a punishment...its you taking control of your life...and that, is what you don't seem to want to do....
Yes, inaction is a choice but for some reason, I'm frozen.
Not good enough, Terri - "for some reason I'm frozen"...there is a reason, and only you know what that is....you are avoiding pain by staying frozen...by staying frozen, you are causing your daughter more pain and confusion in the long run...
Perhaps early on, you were trying to protect your daughter by hanging on to the marriage for as long as possible, as long as there was any chance of recovery...that's an admirable goal, and you have certainly been tenacious....
But at this point, Terri, I think you are doing your daughter more harm than good...I agree entirely with Kayla Andy...you are teaching her to accept less than total commitment from a husband and father....this is all she knows...all she will remember...she is going through the "formative" years...and you are helping to form her views on relationships by your "frozen" non-action...you are her model....
...also, the anger you obviously feel towards your H will become part of her and part of the way she relates to all men....is that what you want?
You ARE playing the martyr game, and it is your daughter who will pay the price....
I really am saying this with the feeling in my heart that I want you to GROW, Terri - I want so much for you to go on...you are a kind and loving person...in your most recent posts, I see you expressing bitterness and anger....YOU are the one who has to move on and let go...YOU have to make a choice of what kind of a life YOU want, and what kind of a person YOU want to be, and what kind of a person YOU want to spend your life with....
I can't believe that this is the way you really want it....
LIR <small>[ July 29, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>
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Terri,
I agree that you are holding onto nothing."What's the payoff here?" is a big question Dr.Phil would ask you.It's been 3 years and you are still there,no husband,no happiness and inertia.Are you going to fritter away the hours while life passes you by?
I had an epiphany several months back and that was that I am SO worth much more than my dear ole WH was giving me.I made the decision to start a D since he was doing absolutely zero in either way.So,I just told him a few days ago,that unless he stops me,I am still proceeding with a D.The ball is in his court and I am certain he will not waiver.I don't really want him back anyway.I want what I thought I had but even that was an illusion now,according to my WH.He was seretly and slowly pulling away.And then the A happened.GROSS.
I need to show my 2 daughters what it means to be a strong,worthy woman who will not allow ANY man to run over them and get away with it.That's part of my decision making process.
You've received some good advice so now,what are you going to DO? The alternative is more of the same and it doesn't sound like you are happy at all.You deserve better.
O
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