I don't know what it would accomplish. But I feel this need to call OMW again. There's nothing she can do so why do I try?

She claims she can't stand her H for doing this to her and treating her so badly. She says my WS can have him. I was thinking of trying to direct her to this site. Probably won't work though.

Any ideas on what I might say to her to get her help? It would be easier if we had a common goal, to get our WS's back. But she hates hers.

It hurts so bad to think that last week my WS was sleeping with me, and this week with OM. What the h*** is she thinking?

You know, Joe, it might be worth a try. People who are deeply hurt often claim to want to end the marriage simply because they don't want to appear weak. Maybe you could start it off by telling her that lots of people do recover their marriages after an affair. Use that as a conversation opener.

Joe, I'm sorry OMW is not interested in her M. But it sounds like she's running on pure emotion just like the others. And she has apparently been hurt by OM enough that she is not motivated to work on her M.

I'm in contact with OMW in my situation. She hasn't posted here, but she's read everything on the MB website and I've done a post or two on her behalf when she's needed advice. The contact has been valuable because we've become friends, and we offer each other somebody to talk to in hard times. That is important, but our contact has not had much impact on the course of events. OM and the sparrow are still together, and now everybody has filed for D.

If OMW didn't show interest in talking to you again, leave her alone for a bit. You said she seems like a nice woman. She might reach out to you again, now that you've been in touch once. But for now, let her and OM fight it out. Focus on Joe, because it's pretty much all you can do. If deep within yourself you don't understand that yet, you're likely to very soon. Learn to plan A, learn to set boundaries when you need to, and learn to dismiss your wife's "evil robot" words and deeds so you can protect your love for her. Make it so OM is the first one to start LBing.

Go see your doctor. You couldn't sleep the other night. Get help. You have to try to function on something approaching a normal level to have strength for this thing. It could be a long haul. How are you managing? Do you feel ADs might help?

GC

Thanks Mel. Sometimes you just need one more person to say you're doing the right thing.

I am having a hard time swallowing all of this again. 17 years and I don't even know my own best friend anymore.

Some friends told me to just walk away tonight. I said thanks for the lasagna and walked away from them. Is it wrong for me to hope for the best? They say don't dwell on things. If you don't, won't you forget?

Thanks Mel. Sometimes you just need one more person to say you're doing the right thing.

I am having a hard time swallowing all of this again. 17 years and I don't even know my own best friend anymore.

Some friends told me to just walk away tonight. I said thanks for the lasagna and walked away from them. Is it wrong for me to hope for the best? They say don't dwell on things. If you don't, won't you forget?

I thought about it a minute more - ML is right. If you want to call her again, go ahead. But I don't want you to get your expectations too high w/r/t being able to conspire to make the A die more quickly. Affairs take on a life of their own once they start, and the BSes have limited power.

GC

Joe, its hard not to dwell on it when your life has been wrecked like this. So many people will tell you to move on, but I have seen so many cases that did work out and if they had followed that advice they would have never known!

There are no guarantees, but there is always hope. I still think your excellent Plan A left a very good taste in your W's mouth. I hope she starts contacting you soon, we will see.

I did the AD thing last time. Lots of side effects for me. I'm beginning to go to anger mode. Not good. Maybe I should catch a show on T.V. or something. I bought a 53 inch T.V. after WS had taken the old 32. Boy did I prove a point. I think I watched it twice. One time when she came over and we were working on us, we went to sit in the L.R. and have a glass of wine, I turned on the set and she said " do you always have to have the T.V. on? "

I just wanted her to notice it. She doesn't think I could handle the house without her additional income. Well, I was nervous because I had never had to pay the bills without her, we bought this house together when we were young and have always split everything. Here I am 7 months later. And she's the bread winner. Why can't she just come to her senses? I'm really starting to think differently about her.

I haven't even thought of it but I am now. I have business email address and phone # of OM. Is there anything to gain by contacting him? If so, what would one say besides the obvious thing we would like to say...******************!!!

Is this a good idea or am I getting desperate here?

Speaking from personal experience....

You stand to gain very little. OM is probably not that trustworthy or reliable to you, no?

Ethan's convos with OM's, in order:

With OM1, shortly after DDay #1, (01/03), at the beginning of "recovery" and I use that term loosely.....
Ethan:We need to talk..about you sleeping with my W...
OM1:(Who was a "friend", boss of WW, and usher in our W)What you mean? I don't know, blah, blah,....
Ethan:Let's try another tact. If you talk to, look at, think about, or as much as breath the same air as my W, I will personally bring you to the gates of he!!. (Yes, those were my actual words. Please keep in mind that TFM is about 5'6 or 7ish, and about 155-160lbs...although I was in the 185-195ish range then....)
OM1:I don't know what you're blah, blah......
OM1 is the definition of a womanizer, and currently has 2 known girlfriends and has slept with 2 of his M friends W's. Class act.

Get a pen and paper. Here is where it gets confusing.

With OM3, originally percieved to be OM2, b/c of total "trust" (read: naivete) of WW on my behalf. (2/04)
Ethan:I'd like to talk to you about your R with my W, and why she may have spent the weekend at your apartment.
OM3 (coworker of WW):Response included classic lines like "She slept on the couch" and "I would never interfere in a M."
Another classic OM3 line: "I would never live with someone before we're married" Have apartment next door to, and sleep with a M woman.....not an issue. But at least he does have the morals to not live with someone before they are married. Class act here, as well.

OM2, in a face to face interview with Ethan, in attempted fact finding mission on OM3. Jeez, even I'm confused at this point. Oh yeah, he's WW's boss at the time, as well. Also in 2/04.
Ethan: I was hoping you had some kind of insight as to what's up with WW.....
OM2: I don't really know. I know she's having a hard time right now. I know where's she's coming from, me and my GF almost broke up. (OM2 had been sleeping with my W since roughly 6/03. He had apparently broken up with his GF to be with WW, but couldn't pull the trigger.) He did share that he didn't like OM3. Whatever. Had the nerve to lie while I sat there in front of him. Class act #3. Probably should have gone through the window at Hooter's now that I think about it.......

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, talking to the OM.

Don't waste your time. He will say whatever will best fit his agenda (your WW) while still putting on the facade of being a man. Expect something between OM1 and 3's responses from my experience.

Save your breath for someone who won't be going directly to hell, not passing Go, and not collecting $200.

Your energy is better spent exposing to any marriage friendly parties.

Whew.

Ethan