My wife has been having an EA with someone across the country for over a year now. It is long distance through phone and email, and I have found phone records and some of the emails (which makes me now a snooper or "FBI"). After the last big blow up (of about 3 total), I really tried to give her space and time needed to move out of that relationship and concentrate on ours. 2 days ago I found another "IMU" "ILU" type of message, and I have been in an emotional coma ever since. We talk and I express how this is an EA and hurts me deeply, and I really have followed what is suggested here about conversations of the subject, but I am losing trust over again. I won't go into the whole history, but I know that I could be more emotionally outgoing with her, and I probably do not meet all of her emotional needs, but I have never betrayed her trust, the way mine has. Here is my question; I know the email address of the person she has been "trying" to stop the relationship with. I sent an email months ago to him expressing my feelings about the relationship, and asked for it to stop, which she read also. It must not have done any good, but I am tempted to write again because I want this person to know what he and my wife have done to me emotionally, and what they are doing to our family (us and 2 young kids). Does it matter? She has all the control and it is ultimately up to her to end it. She says she wants to, and he has nothing to lose by continuously contacting her. I am just at my breaking point. I can't allow myself to be hurt so much, but I love her and my family more than anything. I guess I am mostly venting here.

Hi TTC,

I've been there, and before it goes any further, I'll tell you - it did not stop with letters, email, phone calls. They guy eventually came here - and now has lived in our city (moved across the ocean to get near my wife) for almost 3 years.

So, before it goes any further, you've got to try Something.

My first question is "Is he married?"

That would make a lot of difference. I suspect that he isn't. But if he is, contacting his wife would really stir the pot - and the pot definately needs to be stirred.

How old are your kids?

You need to be getting as involved as you possibly can with them now - you need documented activies with them. Go to their doctors appointments - and sign for their shots. Get as much record as you can of your participation in their lives.

Sometimes, a person needs to try "plan B". "Plan B" requires that you basicly cut yourself off from your wife - move out, have not contact with her - until she is ready to make a total and complete break from this affair. To get you back in her life, she needs to agree give you all her passpords, pin-numbers etc - have no secrets from you at all.

That might work in your case - but it's really hard with kids involved. If your state has legal separation, you might look into that. Sometimes the shock of you taking an initiative can wake her up.

Ask around (on the MB forum) about 180's.

Read Dobson's book "Love must be tough" (but don't let your W see it).

You must do something to break her comfortable situation.

Oh, and about your question: Should you contact OM? Well, I tried it - and it really didn't seem to work. If you do, you might try talking about the kids. Maybe he hasn't thought about what it will be like to have a couple of kids around. If you do contact him, keep yourself on the high ground. Stay in control of yourself. Don't be crude. In short, don't reinforce any negative things that W has told OM about you.

Good luck!

-AD

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

TTC,

I am very new here like you. I just wanted to offer my support. I went through a EA with my W about 1 1/2 years ago. Now I'm not 100% sure it is over, (ever ended?) (my post "am I over reacting" tells most of my story)

I have been spending alot of time here. There are alot of smart people here that can help you. I can only say, I understand, and I sympathize.

I will keep on eye on your posts. Good luck!

Ad and Mugsy...thanks. I think that taking initiative is really what I need to do now. "Sometimes the shock of you taking an initiative can wake her up." That really jumped out at me. Thanks.

^
trying_to_cope,

Are you still around?

Give us an update on your situation.

-AD