This MB was a source of some solace to me last week when my WWs A was discovered but now I must admit it is depressing me further. Almost all of the poor participants here have stories which belie the template of Dr. Harley and whose lives are still being wrecked every day years after the A d day.

If I am to endure months/years of uncertain, affectionless, self-supressing emotional yo-yoing like so many of you seem to have I would truly rather be dead.

Why live if life is hell every day with no sure hope of happiness? With me dead she could be with her OM, the kids would get along with him eventually. Perhaps I just need to be out of the way..

All I can do is love my W and kids, and it looks right now like that won't be enough...... These antidepressents aren't working. Or perhaps they are, I am still alive....

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob,

You are at a point where you are not thinking clearly. It is not a healthy state of mind.

I understand you are feeling worthless but this is where you are going to have to trust those that have been where you are now and I can tell you that you have more to live for than a WS.

You and your family are worth more than a WS. R U willing to give you and your family their value back?

As for the WS, until she can show she is worth of you and your family, you'd better protect your family from the evil clutches of the A. Your W c/b the worst nightmare to your family.

Hard to believe but true. If and when she comes back, she may have to realize what she is putting you through.

On the Dr. Phil show tonight it was a rerun about 5 or 6 couples and the next show, they have to slap their spouses in the face and then watch their pain.

For your Ws, that is what she is doing to you and your family. Shouldn't your reaction be to protect yourself and your family from that slap?

L.

Bob,

One day at a time....

Easier said than done, huh...

Bob, you can do this. I swear to you, when I came on this web site over 6 years ago, I not only thought I couldn't do this,,I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

I heard talk of months,,YEARS of recovery and thought "You gotta be kidding'!! NO wayyyy can I deal with this for months or years." I wanted it over NOW!!! Either we were going to be happy NOW or I wanted out!!! And even though he did try in every way he could to make things better,,what did I do with the pain,,,,and the rage I felt inside?

Bob, it gets better,,it honestly does. Better than you can imagine now. Back then I would never have given my H and I a chance in this world of having the marriage we have now.

I am not still on this website because we are having problems. I am here to give back,,to give back that hope that I so desperately needed 6 yrs ago.

You can do this Bob. You really can....Stick around. Read. Post. We'll help you through this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would truly rather be dead... Perhaps I just need to be out of the way.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BOB! Listen, I know how you're feeling... suicide isn't the answer... I was very suicidal after learning of my W's first A... Yes, the pain is almost unbearable, but you CAN make it through all of this.

My wife had multiple A's during our first three years of M and it tore me apart... suicide won't "solve" anything... it will only make a bad situation worse.

Don't punish your children and deprive them of their father... They need you now, more than ever...

Let us know how you're doing....

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Bob, it does get better. As others have said to, your children deserve to have a great father that you obviously are.
I am not sure if you said that you are in MC, if not get into it. Talk to your close friends and family when you are low. Don't spend time on your own, keep busy, keep reading, keep posting.
Remember, there are lots of people that can give you help and advice.
There are also lots of people that really care what happens to you, I am sure that you children do.

Suicide: "A permanent solution to a *temporary* problem."

Listen to them, Bob. Keep your head up.

I am reduced to the comfort of strangers..Dear God, thank you all for that at least...

Today we had a family day at an amusement park. Started with WW distant and snappy, then became a wonderful day ! She was very friendly with me, even kissed me on the cheek when I bought her a beer. We went on rollercoasters with each other and with the kids. A lovely day. Then after dinner at a country pub, the kids playing a distance away she spoke. " It wasnt a 'dirty' affair you know. We love each other. I only ever lovced two men, you and him, and I had sex with only you two. It was making love not sex".

Well thats clear what she thinks. It was actually a mills and boon love story, it only seeemd like seedy, furtive betrayal from where I sat !

Now she says she can't give up karate tournaments - where the OM will be some of the time. I explained gently, no LBs that as she 'loved' him their every meet, or potential meet would be an arrow in my heart. I explianed that if IF I can get over this betrayal we need to re-interlock our lives and spend more tim together, not killing involvement in the sport that means so much to her all her life, not by clipping her wings and trackeing her every move but because we WANT to.

She told me how very important these tournaments ( or distant competitions, sometimes with a stopover) are to her ( I can guess one good reason at least why) and how she couldn';t give them up 'just like that'.

I explained that if it were I who had betrayed HER i cwould make all kind of contrite gestures if I was serious about making the marriage work, but I am yet to see a real one (otherthan her staying in my house and mybed (no sex of course), for now, and promising NC 'for as long as she can, but it sgoing to be hard ".
I Think teh hard realization of the task ahead has hit her today andshe might be quailing . But just as she went to bed justnow I said 'you had a nice day, baby?'. She said 'Lovely, just lovely'.

I replied' Want another forty years of them ?' Gave her a kiss. She smiled without kissing me back an dwent to bed saying " all I know is you're asking me for things I just can do RIGHT NOW".

Baby steps,I won't say anything else controversial now to my WW for a while. This was the best discussion we've had since D - Day last week. Not sure if it was positive per se, but better than previous.

Still not sure if I can do this for months/years though. This is my first broken heart and I have no precedent of it ever getting better to look at.

I realised again today though I really over her. truly. Maybe getting the OM killed would be a good NC exraordinary measure.... * sigh *

Bob

You are on the right track here. Read Surviving an Affair and get full insight as to what brought your marriage to this point. It's not your fault she had the affair, but you had some doings in your marriage being vulnerable to an affair. Here are some tips for you to consider.

* Your day to the amusement park was good. Build on that and "invite" your WW to do as many "fun" things as you can get her to do. Almost like courting. No or few relationship talks.

* Do a SERIOUS self-evaluation. What were the negative contributions you brought to the marriage? As Dr. Phil says "Get Real". Now, starting today, begin changing those things about yourself that made withdrawals from the LOVE your wife had for you. These must be permanent changes, not cosmetic.

* Read about LoveBusters, and eliminate them from your life. This is of great importance. Your wife will take every negative thing you do or say to "enable" her justification of the affair. LoveBusters make the OM appear to be a better choice than YOU, because you are mean and confrontational. She may even go through periods of PROVOKING you into LB's, and that's why you always turn Lemons into Lemonade. Don't get sucked in.

* See a Marriage Counselor. If she won't go, go alone. Make sure they are Pro Marriage. Many just want to make you feel better about yourself while you go through a divorce. The Harley's and Penny Tupy are considered to be among the best.

* Read all about Plan A on this website, or in SAA. Part of Plan A is exposure of the Affair. If this has not been done, you need to do it soon, but only after learning HOW TO DO IT. To do it wrong may cost you weeks or months in your journey.

* Live your life as if her affair is not going to stop you from living your life. Stay busy, eat healthy, sleep well, and involve yourself in a big slice of life. Do not let her see you mopy, weepy, pity party, etc. She wants a strong man, not a broken one. Let her see just how "alive" you are.

* No revenge affairs or relationships. Period.

* Find strength in your God and in your best friends. Find strength on these boards. Vent here, not at your wife. We have been through this, and can help you.

You will find strength you never knew you had, and the Marriage Builders program is as good as it gets for getting through all this. You have to BELIEVE it will work, or it will not. You have to BELIEVE it will work or you won't be able to do the necessary things to make it work. So BUY INTO THE PROGRAM and make things happen.

* Your ACTIONS will speak volumes for the next few weeks and months. Your words will mean very little. So SHOW your WW why you are the best choice, by doing the things I've listed for you.

Best wishes

SD

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Bob - Going out as a family and not LB'ing her was an excellent idea. You did better than I was able to manage in the beginning. I was so angry about the A that I used to drag it out and beat her over the head with it whenever the opportunity arose. You didn't do that. No one will tell you it's easy my man, but as you have seen there are times when you can se why you want to save your M so badly. You may be relying on strangers for moral support right now, but remember that we are on big family here. Lot's of brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles. Keep posting, keep reading, and envisage how you want your future to be. Continue to be strong

Thanks. Your real care for this stranger humbles me.

I wish I had more support in life. My parents are dead, my friends scattered. My wife has been my only emotional support machine these past years. I am utterly alone right now. A terrible thing.

Bob - No, you are not alone. You have us. We are all going through the same thing.

Hang in there, you can do this.

Bob,
Hang in there. I'm in the same boat you are. I just found out last week about my H affair that has been going on for a year. It's killing me inisde but it gives me hope to come on the site and read other people's stories and knowing that things can change for the better. I love my H very much and right now I just don't know who to get through each day. I'm trying to keep myself busy but when night falls I feel so alone and get very depressed. My H left the house to go stay with his brother. We have a son who just doesn't understand and it is very hard to explain it to him. Today was a good day for me but now it's dark and I feel stripped of my life. All I want is my H back and for us to rebuild our marriage. He's not ready for that yet.
I guess all I really wanted to say was to keep visiting this site. It will help you more than you know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Live your life as if her affair is not going to stop you from living your life. Stay busy, eat healthy, sleep well, and involve yourself in a big slice of life. Do not let her see you mopy, weepy, pity party, etc. She wants a strong man, not a broken one. Let her see just how "alive" you are.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But she IS my life. She has been for 22 years. I have nothing without her and I have no resources to start building something while I am so hurt.

Regarding being healthy, working etc. I am entirely dysfunctional behind my loving mask for my wife and kids. Nothing is working. All is broken.

Regarding LBs its going to be hard to not discuss her NC agreement with her. She is vehement that she must stay in contact with OM because he is the head of her sport and she will not stop her sport. yes, thats right , her HOBBY is more important that rebuilding our marriage to her right now.

Dear Jesus let her stand by her commitment to NC for a few weeks more - lets see how the pangs dissipate. I love her so much I can forgive her anything but repeatedly hurting me and the kids.

How can she be so selfish as to even CONSIDER for ONE SECOND that this lover of one month could be an equivalent father to me for our children ?

Thanks for all your kind words but I really, honestly don't think I can do this. My heart is unscarred so far in my life - it is my first heartbreak and I see no alleviation ever of this dreadful, terrible pain.

One month her affair lasted. ONE MONTH. Dear Jesus help me...help me...I am lost

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 04:07 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob, you're a brit, I'm a New Zealander, my H is a Geordie, we're practically cousins. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I had an 18 month affair. My H and I are through it, over it, past it, recovered, a success story. There are so many of us here, Hope4future, Knewbetter, more and more of us.

I said to Graycloud on here a little while ago, are you in for the long haul, and that's what it is, then be prepared to put in the work. It really is worth it.

Jenny

kiwiJ I dunno If I can take the long haul without breaking. Its not an 'enough love' thing its a resilence thing. It is taking my every resource to hold it together for her and the kids right now and its only been 9 days since D-day.

I am happy you worked out your lives. Truly. I can only pray that we do the same. I jst don't see how though....

At least today she has said she will 'try' to rebuild our marriage but won't see a MC, hasn't made a single conciliatory gesture (other than still being in our lives)and says NC may be impossible because of her hobby, karate.

It is absolutely counter-intuitive the way I must behave. Being strong when I have never been weaker, being reasonable when I have never felt less so. Being reserved in showing affection when I have never loved her, nor wanted to show her more.

{{Hugs}}

I see in your future, a good plan A, by you, I see in your future, your W, coming out of the fog, I see in your future, your W recommitting to you fully and giving up her karate tourn. for the better of her M. I see in our future reading a successful recovery story here on MB from you.

I was in a 4 month PA (physical Affair)and maybe a couple months added for EA (Emotional Affair)
Dday for us was March 15.

Your W's A was not special, it is just like all of our's here on MB. We could have all told you what your W is telling you now. This should give you hope.

When the fog lifts, she will realize how ridiculous it was. How the euphoric feelings were lies to herself. The love, all crap, the soulmate, all crap. What is real, is your M.

Our brain fools us into thinking this is so good so real, never anything better.

When the light turns on, the WS is hit with tremendous guilt by their stupid, selfish actions.

I feel you can save your M. I feel you are doing so good for your W right now. Don't give up. Win her back. Show her the best you can be.

God bless you on your journey.
KY

KY your post is like a mother's kiss on my brow. Thank you, thank you.

I hope for what you see in our future, but I hold few hopes that my W will stick to her NC promise. She doesn't want to right now, she wants more of the fog love sensation.

I received 'Surviving...' by Drs Harley today and am reading. If only my W would read it, but she is avoiding all kinds of advice and support at this time. Maybe the A is too young and fresh.

Your post is the first that gives me hope that even if she does go to be with him, she may not stay with him. I pray she stays with me, stays N and we R together. Amen.

Bob, your welcome. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope for what you see in our future, but I hold few hopes that my W will stick to her NC promise. She doesn't want to right now, she wants more of the fog love sensation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is so addictive the feeling the OP gives you. NC is absolutely necessary for recovery, but extremely hard to achieve.

I will tell you, when my H would LB, my desire to talk with OP increased. As a FWW I would try and make him LB, sick the way the mind thinks. It was an unconscious thing, but now I can see it plain as day that I would set him up.

Sad, the tight rope the BS has to walk, with the egg shells underneath. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It helped me to read MB concepts, to see how my A was textbook, and not "special" I started to understand myself and why I would have been drawn to the OM.

I looked into my M and I saw what needed to be fixed. It helped me tremendously because my H was standing there apologizing to me for his part of the state of our M. He forgave me almost immediately, which was a huge gesture for the depth of the sin.

Love her, forgive her, no LB. When she is ready send her here if you are comfortable with that.

KY

But KY how can I get my W to read teh book? I just asked her to read the first two chapters of " surviving..." and she said no. nope. not gonna.I just read them with tears in my eyes. Its EXACTLY us that first example and we have the chance of avoiding all that pain if only my W can maintain NC.

thx again. I hope my W is like you.

Bob Pure

As long as she's in the Fog of the affair, and the Fog of withdrawal, she will NOT be interested in being educated in any way. In fact, to try to do so, no matter how loving the intent, she will perceive it as being a Love Buster.

Continue reading and posting, and folks here will help you through this. Read SAA for you, and don't try to impart what you are learning to your W. She's just not ready for that yet.

The best you can do right now is Plan A, no Love Busters, no Disrespectful Judgements, no Angry Outbursts. When you get to the Emotional Needs section, look at the questionairre, and try to determine what needs are most important to her, and what needs the OM might have filled. Then with quiet resolve, begin filling those needs as best you can.

Yes, you want answers from her, and you want some of your needs met, but that is not in the picture right now. Sad as it is, you must be the complete Giver right now, and expect NOTHING in return.

Whenever you have the chance, do fun things with her and your family. Give her a "look" at what she is taking a chance at losing.

Do the self evaluation, and permanently change those things about you that might have annoyed or angered you W in the past.

Look into getting on some Anti-D medication to help you through this. It will smooth out the lows.

You had it right on, when you said that when you feel your lowest, you have to be at your best. It can be done. I had to train myself to emotionally detach from the drama, and rely on my intellect, and leave my emotions locked in a trunk while in Plan A. Think of all this as a B movie, and you are just stuck watching it unfold. But it's interactive, and the positive actions you take make a difference on the outcome.

You can do this!

SD