Patience BP.

The further she gets out of the fog the more receptive she will be to things like the book.

She is doing things with you, she is talking to you, she is allowing you to love her, she is giving you what she can.

You need to understand, that for her, she is doing the best she can with all the mixed up feelings she is having.

She hasn't left you, she is in NC. All for you all because it is what is best for her M. She is trying to do what is right. She needs you to be strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Out of utter despair, I have hope that we have taken baby steps towards recovering from the worst occurrence in our lives ever. I want to 'do' something actively to accelerate us out of this pain, yet it is clear from this sites' wise words that I can expect nothing from my wife during this withdrawal period. I must only try to love her. God knows why I didn't kill her, I have found a strength to love and forgive that I never knew existed within me. I do not know if it is strength or desperate weakness. If weakness it is the first time in my life that I have chosen the cowards path.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You understand MB well, this is good. You are taking an active role to get you out of this pain, you are researching. Bob you are doing great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She will come to appreciate, respect and adore you for the love and forgiveness you have shared with her.

The cowards path, no Sir, this is not a cowards path. You BS are the strongest people I have ever came across. You set back an wait patiently, showing only the best of yourselves, all while you endure the greatest depth of pain that a person can bestow on another, you wait for them to see and think clearly and come back to you, Bob if that is not strength, than I don't know what is.

From the things you have said, I really believe she will pull through this. Remember this is a roller coaster,you will go up and down, recovery takes time.

KY

KY & SD etc if we recover from this we will come see you and kiss you. Your support here has given me the first tears of hope I have had since D day. thank you, thank you , thank you.

"When God doesn't come , he sends" , My mum used to say.

You are so right - my poor wife is doing all she is able to do for me right now. She is not with him, she is sharing my bed, she is being civil to me and , occasionally, she shows some affection occasionaly when I am funny or sweet. Bearing in mind what you tell me I actually have it pretty good. I know where my baby is, I know she loves me, our kids or our life enough NOT to run off with the OM yet and she is in promised NC for now at least.

I am comparing my life with how it was, not how it it is with other affair relationships.
I must find as much strength and capability as I have love for her and my kids.

I yearn the day when her fog lifts. I can't wait to forgive her. Until then my heart is broken, thank you again kind hearts for your encouragement.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob my friend a couple things for you,

{{{hug}}}

and a lick

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> KY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bob:

"But she IS my life. She has been for 22 years. I have nothing without her and I have no resources to start building something while I am so hurt."

This is where you start 2 realize that what you believed 2 be true all these years is wrong. If you think about it logically (hard 2 do at a time like this, I know), you'll see that it's patently absurd 2 believe that SOMEONE ELSE can define YOUR life. But that's just what you said. It's what I said for many years, 2. It may be true that you have no resources at this point 2 build a fu2re, but that will change. Because, in truth, ALL your strength comes from within anyway. Posting here, reading, and getting in2 good counseling will help you 2 realize those skills you possess (by definition of what it means 2 be human), and help you 2 hone them so that you CAN build a happy fu2re for yourself and then for those around you.

I did and said the same things you describe, and it's why I was so devastated upon discovering my W's 12-yr A 30 months ago. And it was precisely because I believed that my W "completed me" that I was so destroyed upon discovering her A - or so I thought at the time.

We've been M'd 28 years now, and though it can be rough even now at times, she's definitely going through withdrawl now. 30 months ago, I would have said I didn't believe I could make it another week, let alone another month. Heck, I did say stuff like that. But I did, and you will 2.

From "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch:

"We all experience a difference between our level of functioning when we support oursselves versus when we are emotionally supported by someone else. The wider this difference is, the more our elevated functioning is not a reflection of our "real" self - not without a partner serving as a booster rocket. We latch onto people with whom we function better. Often we call this "finding someone who brings out the best in us" - but it's still borrowed functioning."

...and the more we depend on our spouses 2 "complete us" the more "broken" we are when they choose 2 have an A. But, with time, you will realize that it truly is NOT the end of the world. You need 2 work through this painful time - you can't avoid it (or, you can, but you run the very real risk of it repeating). It WILL be painful and seem impossible at first, but with practice you will improve - and be happier BECAUSE of the process, not in spite of it.

best,
-ol' 2long

2long you are so right. this experience has shown me just how little self-definition and emotional self-reliance I had at the point of the A. If I was stronger/more independent and/or realistic this mebbe wouldn't be killing me right now.

If we recover ( please lord!) or not I will need to gather more independence to myself so as to better withstand the second half of my life.

thanks for your kind advice.

Hi Bob,

I cried as I read your thread...I know how you feel. But you do have one good sign, your W is making an effort, however minimal. She knows what is best for your family.

Sadly, my H thinks OW is his soul mate, that he and I never had anything worth anything...that we've never had anything in common and most of our M was bad. He is leaving me in a couple weeks and I am helping him to go.

My comfort and my strength has been God. He has pulled me from the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock...

I am so sorry your W has hurt you...I know the pain of a broken heart, I wouldn't even say broken. My heart has been ripped out and crushed, as I know yours has too.

Be strong for your kids...my precious boy is what has kept my head above the water. He needs me...your kids need you...you can do this.

Please don't push her to read anything yet. I've made that mistake. My H hasn't opened one book because he doesn't want to be "educated". He thinks what he is doing is the right thing...how sad. I've come to accept that the greatest loss will be his. My son will be the loser here too, but I will help him...I will make sure he grows up to be a good man and a wonderful, devoted H, and that he values his family above all else.

I hope I haven't depressed you more. My intent was to show you that at least your W knows what is the right thing. That is a huge step. After one year from DDay, my H still believes HE IS DOING the right thing.

Hang in there. You are in my prayers.

WGUY I have learned many things in th elast 10 days that I wish I had not needed to. One thing I have learned is that some of the most worthwhile-seeming people I have ever 'met' on the web have been betrayed by their 'loving' spouses,as I have.
WGUY I cannot be sad for you now, I have no room for any more sadness but my own right now, but I will pray for you, though the heavens appear to be brass right now.
Thanks you for your words. I can see that my own WW is trying the best she can while her head is bent with the fog of 'soul mate afair'. I told her so a few minutes ago as I waved her off to our holiday home for the weekend ( with her sister and both our kids - no risk of C with OM) "I can imagine how painful it is for you to maintain NC now, I know what you think of him but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you quail, just look at our babies - THATS who you're doing this for. And know that it will get better every day with no contact."

And I kissed her cheek. She Waved goodbye and smiled fom the car. Maybe a 'safe' (nc)weekend apart is good for both of us especially with my beloved sister in law as a chaperone...

God Bless you.

Bob.... congrats! You are "gettin' it"

Loving actions and loving words (other than "I love you"... for the time being) are deposits in her LB$.

Keep an open heart and continue on this path. You will be rewarded. And don't hesitate to breathe every so often, and pat yourself on the back for your own strength and effort.

SD

Bob, I posted how happy we are now, not just to say we're happy now but to give you some idea of what can happen when you give this your all.

I thought back after I posted to you, to where my H and I were 5 days after d-day. He wouldn't have even been able to turn on the computer he was such a mess and I was exactly where your w is now. The only words I could give him were "I'm here", nothing else.

I didn't find MB till about 4 months after d-day and we've both worked on the principles here ever since, along with very good marriage counselling.

Outcome, success.

Jenny

You all will never know what your support to me on this thread has meant. 9 days ago, even yesterday I would never have guessed I would be considering going to bed ( as I am) expecting to sleep, content that I am working hard at the right things, and even a little bit glad to be free of my lovely 'fogbound' WW who is at our holiday home with her sister and our kids ( almost no chance on contact with OM particularly with my lovely sister in law there as chaperone). I feel I can take a breath and just SLEEP.

We have so far to go and I do not even hope that we shall succeed, but thank you all for helping give me this short respite from the tempest of my life of the last week or so.That it is not only POSSIBLE but actually LIKELY that my WW will emerge from the fog at some time and realise what she has done gives me hope - the first since D day.God bless you all.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

And I kissed her cheek. She Waved goodbye and smiled fom the car.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope you have a great night sleep......
God bless you and give you strength and patience.

KY

BP,
I just had to check in on you. I'm glad you're at least allowing the possibility that you might be okay. I, too, was completely lost and alone (hence, my forum name)after d-day. My mom was my rock and my best friend. She died 8 years ago. My dad died 3 years after her. My husband and daughter were all I had. That just made d-day that much more awful. I felt like I was on that amusement ride where you're in a large barrel-like room, spinning very fast, and the bottom drops. The only thing keeping you from falling is the centrifugal force that is pressing you against the wall. I told my IC that I had lost my floor and had absolutely nothing to live for, that there was no me without him. I remember saying those words and wishing I would just collapse and die.

I decided to take each week one at a time. I would plan each week with great detail making sure I was busy busy busy. No down time.

I read everything I could get my hands on regarding affairs and surviving them. I journaled every day.

I can honestly say that I have found "my floor" again. This time, it is MY floor. Noone else can drop it out from under me. I think we give our partners too much control over our happiness. Take charge of your happiness. Remember, no one else makes us happy or sad or mad. We allow them to do those things.

Keep going in Plan A. Keep posting here. Take care of yourself.

L&A

(((((BOB)))))
Hugs to you, Bob.

Your post is so heartfelt and sincere, I KNOW that you are going to get through this.

You and you w have over 20 years together and 2 wonderful children. You BOTH have that and her actions cannot erase the life you have shared.

She is trying NC and is in pain. She is confused. I believe that if you can continue your progress, she will most likely come around and realize what she almost threw away. If she does not, you can make it knowing that you have done everything in your power to save the marriage.

You are mindful of her devotion to her sport and do not want to take that away from her. That is a very good decision on your part and will help her see how much you love her. Continue to support it while trying to pursuede her to avoid the out of twn tournaments unless you go along. Could you and the kids make it a family trip and do other activities also? Just a thought...

She does not want to read the books because she is simply not ready. YOU read them and then leave them out. Eventually, she will pick them up and when she does, she will read the words that prove how common her affair was and how easily a marriage can succumb to it if a couple allows themselves to grow apart.

This CAN be fixed, it's going to be slow, you already realize that. YOU are a precious soul in the sight of the Lord and he knows your sorrow.

Your children need you. Be strong, take care of yourself, know that there are many here who have survived and are rebuilding lives that have been shattered by infidelity. It IS possible and we can help you through it, God bless you Bob, Ladysing

I am humbled by your care for this stranger.
Thank you all....

One nice thing I just realised. My WW left with the kids & her sister & kids for our holiday home yesterday. She left me her beloved dog 'so daddy won't be alone' she said to my kids in my earshot...

Now she loves this silly border collie (Blue Merle called Murphy) and will miss him. But she left him for me so I wouldn't be alone.

Not the actions of someone who doesn't care, fog or no fog I would say.

Thank you all again. You humble me with your care.

Hi BP!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...She left me her beloved dog 'so daddy won't be alone' she said to my kids in my earshot... ...Not the actions of someone who doesn't care, fog or no fog I would say. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally agree!!! I'm glad to hear that things are looking up. Savor these moments and know that it IS possible to rebuild your M after an A...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I slept quite well, but woke crying. At least WW not there to see my weakness so no LB. Feel hopeless again this morning.

I have to DO something not just stew - I think I'll paint our utility room - its been a job my W has wanted doing for ages. It might make her smile when she comes home from her weekend tomorrow. And if it doesn't make her smile it needs doing anyway.

Thanks for your care again all.

Reading this board, and my own new experience it has AMAZED me the horror that people who love(d) each other can purpetrate upon each other...I would rather have cancer than this.

** edited to sy that my Wife called me from our holiday home to see I was OK. It was almost as if there was nothing wrong. Poor baby is trying so hard to do the right thing but her head and heart are so messed up. I pray she gets peace soon. Once the fog lifts she can share in whatever strength I may have, but until then she is alone in her pain. Poor baby. I pray she stays strong and keeps up NC.

The call lifted me for a while, then I discovered her cache of sexy underwear she bought to wear for the OM and I was sick to my stomach again. This truly is a rollercoaster.

At least I haven't wished I was dead yet today. I don't CARE if I die, but I don't actively WISH I was dead today right now.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Good morning Bob. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So glad you slept well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The call lifted me for a while, then I discovered her cache of sexy underwear she bought to wear for the OM and I was sick to my stomach again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DDAY, my H grabbed a garbage bag and put all my underwear in it, clean and dirty, he said wear what you have on we will go to the store and buy you more.

Thought I'd share. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You are not the only one who was triggered by the undies.

Paint your room.

KY

Thanks again KY. I cannot express how you are helping me. {{{ky}}}

I think I will wait until my wife agrees with me that its OK to destroy the undies. Right now she has nothing but exciting, pure, lovely associations with these expensive beauties so can't understand why I am being so petty.

[fogbound] Why can't I just understand that they shared real love, not anything sordid. I just need to understand that I have been bested by this man and she is doing me a favour for the kids to stay with me and try to rebuild our sham marriage. Its just petty to throw out the undies.[/fogbound]

I truly hope that one day the fog will lift and SHE will want to remove all evidence.

I mean THONGS !!??? She's 40 and never worn a thong in her life... things're like butt floss...

Dear God I almost joked then...

KY, how long was it before the fog lifted for YOU after D-day ?

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Dear Bob,

what's wrong with a 40-year old wearing thongs?
If you're the only one who knows that she is? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Indeed BH. My W is a beautiful woman, she should wear what makes her feel pretty. Except the OM.

Dear Lord another joke, I must take another prozac. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />