It occurred to me in prayer just earlier that I can't worry my WW into having NOT slept with the OM and NOT had the affair.

Both are terrible things but they exist and will not change. I cannot wait for them to not exist in order to catalyse my personal recovery. I really must focus my energies on that which I can effect rather than that which I cannot.

Glib words, lets hope I really believe them as we move forward.

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> It occurred to me in prayer just earlier that I can't worry my WW into having NOT slept with the OM and NOT had the affair.

Both are terrible things but they exist and will not change. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dead right, Bob. Now focus on the positive.

I had a couple of questions and a suggestion for you.

1) What kind of physical shape are you in?

2) Are you physically intimidated in any way by the other man?

Suggestion:
Consider taking up heavy weight lifting. The reason is that in most people, you can put on muscle and reduce fat very quickly. I am talking about strength training, not aerobics. Aerobics are good for you, but if you are not built up, weight training can do the most for you in a short period of time.

My reasoning is that it will demonstrate to your wife that you are doing something positive, and that the other ladies are going to start noticing you more. Also, if you are somewhat intimidated by the Malien (my word), then simply feeling stronger will be a boost to your self image.

If nothing else, your Falien might take notice in a positive way.

This may all be totally off base, so please feel free to ignore it without justification.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble I can look after myself in most company but the OM is a retired ex Karate 2-time european champion and a 4th dan black belt. He is 12 years older than me but without a gun I'd be pretty unconfident !

Besides, I'm not sure what a conflict would prove even if I won uch a mythical contest. It wouldn't Undo the A, nor speed up my WW's infatuation de-fogging.

I've lost a LOT of weight and need to eat better if I am to stay healthy. I will go to the gym again once my head and spirit recovers some.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> Gimble I can look after myself in most company but the OM is a retired ex Karate 2-time european champion and a 4th dan black belt. He is 12 years older than me but without a gun I'd be pretty unconfident !

Besides, I'm not sure what a conflict would prove even if I won uch a mythical contest. It wouldn't Undo the A, nor speed up my WW's infatuation de-fogging.

I've lost a LOT of weight and need to eat better if I am to stay healthy. I will go to the gym again once my head and spirit recovers some. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't expect you to fight him. My point is that the weight lifting will make you physically stronger, give you something that you CAN be aggressive with (good therapy), and overall make you feel better about you. It may even make YOU more physically intimidating to the Malien.

For what it's worth, when I was 16 years old, I got cornered into a fight. It was supposed to be a 'fair' fight. The other guy was big into karate. Right off the bat, I made the mistake of looking away due to a distraction. He proceeded to kick me right in the mouth. I saw stars and fell to the ground. His mistake was the taste for blood. He grabbed for me, presumably to gloat. I decked him and proceeded to beat him until my friends pulled me off him. This is a true story.

Just because the Mailien got a good punch in the first round of your relationship fight does NOT mean you have lost the fight. You may lose a tooth or two, and there may be some blood (all figuratively speaking of course), but you have to shake your head to clear the daze YOU are in, and get back into the fight.

I want to see you win. I want to see another marriage saved from the affair alien. So Chin up old chap. The fight has just started. Keep your body functioning well and your mind quick and sharp. Don't let alien words or visitations distract you from the fight again.

I am the guy yelling in support of you from ringside. TEAR 'EM UP BOB!!!

Gimble

Gimble, I thank you for your support ! I am already mebbe 40 lbs heavier and six inches taller than OM and a whole lot smarter. And for another thing I can face my God knowing I have not preyed upon vulnerable women and broken up families.

I will get physically stronger as my spirit and body recoils from this shock.

Thanks for your prayers and support for this sad stranger Gimble. It humbles me.

So much sadness everywhere. It seems the OMs partner is calling my W's mobile number but saying nothing when she answers. My W is almost angry about this. I said that its just another example of how the desolation of sadness affects so many people when an A happens.

I wonder what will happen there...?

So sad, I'm so very sad and tired....

Dear God I am desolate. I have never been loveless in my life, yet I am now. I just kissed my wife in her sleep and she felt, smelt just like my lovely wife always has. Yet now she would not welcome my kiss if awake.

Dear God I yearn a loving hug, a kiss, I am so lonely. This is an exquisite torture.

Months of this ? My God I may die of loneliness first.... * sigh *

Why are all the symptoms of a BS so 'cartoon' strong in me? I can only think it is because it is my first broken heart in my life. I married my college sweetheart and we never had a problem until now. Every sensation is so unbearably raw.

I am a 'coper' yet I am not coping with this. I am a physical wreck, on a-d meds, barely able to eat or sleep, constantly lovesick. Dear God I must get stiffer than this if I am to make this mess work.

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob, you won't die of loneliness.

My H (Rob) said and felt everything you are going through right now.

I always worry about giving people hope because each couple and each situation is different.

Last night I went to sleep wrapped in H's arms and when I woke up hours later I was still wrapped in his arms. It was lovely.

It's taken us forever to get to this. D-day October followed by his pain, my fogginess, laughing, crying - good grief, we nearly separated in April. But we've been married 30 years this month - what's 2 years out of all that time - nothing. It's made us stronger as people, it's given us a stronger marriage.

I know it feels like crap right now - but she's there now. And we're here for you.

Jen

2 years of this Jen? Right now I seriously would rather be dead. I just can't take it.

Mebbe she should go and live with him until she gets him out of her system, but then I would know she was in his arms every night while she was away and that would destroy me. And she'd take the kids with her and THEY would be destroyed by it.

Holy God help me.

No, she should not go and live with him to get him out of her system.

You just described the reason I had my A. He was old High School boyfriend. We'd never slept together as teenagers and apparently, according to OM, the A was to get it out of our system.

Great idea (extreme sarcasm there). It created the biggest, ghastliest mess I've ever been through in my life.

To get it out of her system she needs to have COMPLETE NC. She needs you to be there for her being the best Bob you can be - and I know that's just about impossible to ask of you right now. My H never gave up on me, never. You have NO idea what he had to put up with. I did keep my promise of NC except for once when I wanted to tell OM that Rob knew everything and I was working on my marriage. I told Rob immediately that I'd had contact but even that wasn't really enough and he felt he should tell OM's wife. That really ended everything once and for all because once it was exposed there was no way we would or could have contact again.

We went to a very good marriage counsellor the day after d-day and went to her every week for about 4 months. She really helped us but I've got to say MB helped us more.

BTW, your use of the word "mebbe" makes me think you might be a northerner just like my H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jen

A midlander kiwiJ. My dad was a Geordie.

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Why can I not be consoled ? I fear that every screw up I make will drive her into his arms. Its lik our M is utterly dependent on my actions right now, and for maybe the next six months and I have absolutely no experience nor any firm idea what i should do. the responsibility is enormous.

I think I am "overmeeting" ENs right now too, my W asked me to 'calm down' a little, give her some more space.

* sigh *

Bob, I have to log out now. It's 8.00pm in the evening here and I don't like to spend too much time on the computer when H is home.

Take care. You CAN do this, you know.

Jen

Oh heck, I can't log out now and leave you with unanswered questions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The "space" thing is irritating but necessary. I used to get upset when H said "You're all I've ever wanted and needed" because I coulnd't answer him the same way. I used to feel it was obvious that he hadn't been all I ever wanted and needed and it made me feel guilty and horrible. Our MC said to him to just tell me "I love you" and leave it at that. It made such a difference.

All Rob did in those early days was try to see what it was I'd been missing. (my EN's). We started going on picnics and going out for dinner (all things he used to say were too expensive or couldn't be bothered) - not just those things - affection, spontaneity - all sorts of stuff. It wasn't just doing the good things it was the effort he was putting into it that really helped me.

Gosh, really do have to go now.

I knew there was a bit of Geordie in there somewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jen

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 03:07 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Thanks Kiwi J {{{hugs}}}

Be with your H. It is spending too much time at work on a computer that led to our A.

I will try to do that. I am trying hard to meet unspecified ENs. Way I see it if I do the stuff I didn't do before the A and keep up the positive stuff I did before I can't go too wrong.

I just came back from the doctor who says I'm doing "OK" as long as I eat better. I guess that means I haven't cut my wrists yet !

BP almost normal again, Oh and I lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks...I can highly recommend the 'Fogkins diet'.

If you survive it , you look great afterwards !

oops, almost another joke. must be the drugs kicking in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just remebered this prayer:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I Cannot change…

Courage to change the things I can

And Wisdom to know the difference…</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Almighty God grant this prayer to all here whose lives are blighted today by the demon of infidelity. Amen


It occurs to me that I actually can't ensure the success of plan A, the behaviour of my crazy WW or the rescue of my M by any direct action I can take now. The only tools I have are the knowledge that the fog will surely lift one day and that I must avoid LBs while my W withdraws. I can't STOP her contacting OM if she wants. I can't make her love me. I cannot make the A have not happened. These are things I cannot change by act of will. All I can do is do the BS plan A tasks as well as I possibly can.

I will try to concentrate on this and not worry about stuff I cannot influence. I will TRY anyway.

* back to painting *

Christ this is so hard. I feel bad keep moaning on this MB but I have nobody else. * sigh *

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob - Relax, you should have heard me moaning when I first got here.

Also don't look at your actions as being so critical. The only one you can change is yourself.

However, now you have a proven plan (MB), and thousands of folks to help, advise and comfort you.

Believer, I sometimes wonder if you folks who patiently help on here know just what agents of God's grace you are.

You are so right, I can only change my own future actions, not the past nor actions of anyone else.

Thank you. Thank you. Its just so dreadfully hopeless sometimes.

My WW has been scouring my laptop for something. the doc opened menu is full of stuff I haven't opened. Thats fine, I have nothing to hide. I hope she saw my affair diary. Nothing there she shouldn't see.

WW has started tidying our house and restoring some order again with laundry etc. It makes me realise just how she had abandoned all of us during her selfish A the previous month and I never really noticed. Also I am playing a FULL role in domestic stuff now as I believe it is an unmet EN, although not one the OM helped her with obviously so thats helping restore some order to our life too.

We had a perfectly pleasant evening last night watching TV, joking, laughing. Earlier she was singing to her favourite CDs at the top of her lungs while doing laundry, showing no sign of sadness at all.

I sent her a txt message to bring home a KFC for dinner and she replied with a 'X' after the message like she always did. We watched a TV program called 'Wife Swap' where two very different families swap Mums for two weeks to see how each other live. It raised some light hearted discussion, and my wife either jokingly (but possibly also contritely) referred to herself as a 'Jezebel'.

What the hell is happening ? Just softening me up for the next heartbreak ?

Theres a biggie coming up - theres a karate weekend away this weekend long planned and she really wants to go. I am, of course, terrified that she will go, although there is not much chance of contact with OM.

We have a family fun day at the camp where our holiday home sits at the same time and if WW chooses that over the Karate without any discussion it will be a wonderful WONDERFUL event.

I fear she will not though.

All I can do is say " the proven plan says that if you spend time away from us in the karate world, you will be very tempted to contact OM, moreso that if you were with us. Also, it will make me very sad if you go, but you must do whatever you think is right. I cannot control you."

Dear God, please let her choose US without a fight as a sign that she is serious about making our M work again.

I have a new sensation today - fear. I am terrified of this.

She is 2 weeks into NC, and according to MB in another week or so the worst of the addiction symptoms will have passed and she may think more rationally than now.

There is a tournament ( contact with OM) on 22 August too.

Almighty Jesus, please let her choose us in these tests of her while she is so mixed up. Let her INSTINCT be for saving our marriage. PLEASE Lord.
Amen

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 04:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

See ? This morning she is cold and distant once more. * sigh * its psychological warfare this is.

I know...aliens...fog...I know. Doesn't make it easy though. I'm still in physical shock at this.