Dear God I wish I knew what to do now....She's in my house like she's alays been but she's said she loves me nbut she's not in love with me. And she doesn't know about the fog, thinks she'll always 'love' OM.

Do I just cool it and plan A like nothing's happened until the next tournamant on the 22nd August ?

Any chance of any emergence from the fog in the next 2 weeks of NC does anyone think ?

I am so inexpert at this, and also dysfuntional. Awful. just awful. Dear Jesus help me please. Forgive me, and help me Lord jesus.


** edited - and how exactly do I STOP WW from attending tournaments? Lock her in a room ?

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

I don't understand some of this advice. How can I be assertive if my WW doesn't want to comply? I can't MAKE her do anything ! I have explained strongly about maintaining NC and she grees with my point but is blinded by fog and says she intends to attend the tournament on the 22 with certain OM contact there. What exactly else can I do? I can only certainly affect MY OWN actions. I must reason/explian to get my WW to change her behaviour.

Also re: exposure I see no point in exposing further : her club coach is a dreadfully sexually immoral man who may even help maintain his friend the OMs access to my WW behind my back. Her mum has cancer and is dying, all other near and dear know already. Only the OMs GF has yet to have the A confirmed.

And my W is right - our marriage has been humdrum and passionless these last few years - for me too ! But I haven't had an affair that convinces me that I don't love my W. If only she would give NC more time I am sure we can work it out. But how do I force NC? She's a smart grown up and can contact OM any time she chooses. And right now she has said openely that she is putting her own pleasure above my own or the kids' best interests for the first time in years. Right now, under a polygfraph test she'd swear she doesn't love me and doesn't want our marriage to be saved.

But I have every reason to believe in NC since D-day so far.

I don't tknow what to do or think. My heart is riven again. God Help me. God Help Us.

Bob -

Calm down. It takes time to get stronger, and you will. I noticed that your wife' mother is very ill. Often something like that is what sends folks into affairs.

So stay the course, stay in Plan A. Don't try to talk rationally with your wife. She is like an addict.

Notify the OM's GF.

Believer how can I calm down?

Everything is smashed. The most important event of my life and I have no real idea what to do.

I am being as calm as poss. Tranqs tonight for sleep and another dive into 2 weeks of plan A tomorrow I think.

WW says she wouldn't be hurt if I found someone else right now. I wonder if thats true ?

I cannot imagine ever being happy again right now.

Bob - After you are here for awhile, you will see they all do and say the same things. It is like they have a textbook they go by. And each WS thinks they are very unique- it is almost comical.

You are like the rest of us. When we found this place, most of us were unhappy and feeling like we would never be happy again. When people told me I would someday be happy again, I didn't believe it.

You know that OM is completely unsuitable for your wife, but she has been abducted by aliens, and will not see that.

You have a very good chance to save your marriage. Your wife is still with you in the home. Many WS's leave, and then it is harder. So stick to Plan A, and realize that she is temporarily insane.

Start working on changing yourself to change the marriage. Be kind, but strong. You are doing well, but this takes time. Your marriage did not get this way overnight and it will take some time to change it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> Believer how can I calm down?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob.

You HAVE NO CHOICE but to calm down. Your family needs a man - YOU right now.

You have got to stop thinking about how you feel. I know that is tough, but your family needs you.

As for what you can do, two things.

1) Listen to the people here that are giving you good advice.

2) Do NOT facilitate her actions. If that means no phone, money, whatever, you have to become a very kind and loving, but unmovable, brick wall.

Come on Bob. You can do this. There are a lot of people praying for you here, including my wife and I. You are not alone, and you are not facing anything that hasn't been faced before.

You are crying out for help. You are getting offers. All you need to do is accept them.

All the best,

Gimble

Dear Bob,

Sit down. Take a deep breath. This is NOT the end of your life even if it feels like it! You are NOT powerless!

Read up on Plan A on the MB site. Plan A is about negociating NC, right now your wife thinks only you will benefit from NC and she can't understand how this could ever benefit her. She needs her next "fix" and doesn't feel like going cold turkey just because you ask her to, if you know what I mean.

You're right, you cannot make here stay away from OM if she doesn't want to, if you pressure her too hard on this she might simply do it behind your back or leave your house because you're putting too much pressure on her.

Oh and the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thing is SO typical that people here have made it into ILYBINILWY and they have all heard it when WS was in the fog.

Take a deep breath. Call Dr Harley or get other professional help. NOW. Do this for yourself!

Thank you everyone. Believer there must be a nugget somewhere within me that believes the M can be saved else I would leave and stop this torture now.

Gimble, my WW has an emotional need for independence at 1 or 2 on the list. Always had in 15 happy years of marriage and 2 pretty humdrum and boring ones for both of us ( if I'm honest).

I would drive her away with restrictive behaviour until she WANTS to make our M work again. But I thank you for your prayers and advice. I am going to the gym to work off some fight or flight.

Horrible times.

Bob - Good response - going the the gym. The next thing you can do is notify the OM's girlfriend. That will shake things up a little.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong>My WW has an emotional need for independence at 1 or 2 on the list.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's weird, there is no "need for independence" EN on my list from MB??

Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Honesty and Openness, Attractive Spouse, Financial and Domestic Support, Family Commitment, Admiration.. nope, no need for independence there. In fact all of this is about things you need in a relationship, not away from it. Why the need to be independent?

In fact I guess this is more fog talking. Independent as in "don't keep me away from my drug" can hardly be called independent.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bob Pure:

Also re: exposure I see no point in exposing further : Only the OMs GF has yet to have the A confirmed.


Ladysing: Bob, I am going to keep saying this until you decide to do it, or my computer blows up!
EXPOSE THE AFFAIR, EXPOSE THE AFFAIR, EXPOSE THE AFFAIR!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You are reading here and agonizing about this but you have decided to leave out the biggest piece of the puzzle. The OM is going home to his steady GF, he is getting away with the affair. Contact WILL resume on Aug. 22nd at the tournament. They are just waiting anxiously for the next secret getaway. When the OM has to face the music, his actions will most likely change.

Does he intend to have his GF move out and take in your W and 2 children and live happily even after? It sounds like that is what your W expects and reality will blow this fantasy out of the water!

The things your w says are CLASSIC for WS's, we have heard them ALL before.

PLEASE expose the affair and then get on with taking care of yourself.

Brownhair, my WW has a need for time on her own.This is no less an EN because it is not in MB precenpts.

Before we met she spent time with friends and on her own, all through our happiest years. So did I. We are gregarious people. The idea that a personal can be fulfilled only in their spouse makes absolutely no sense to me or my WW. I know this doesn't meet Harley's MB precepts but believe me the biggest killer of our marriage would be a restriction on association with either of us. ( apart from OM of course !). The thing that has killed our relationship recently is the focus on these relationships rather than inward focus on our marriage.

If a marriage is happy and fulfilling this can only be enhanced by experiencing outside relationships. This is how it has always worked for us for 15 happy years until the last 2 boring ones ( and the horrible last month).

If there is no recovery without living in each others pockets then so be it. We never have and never will be sated by only each others company. And I know of no other relationship beyond 6 months which is so either. Sorry of that sounds like a bust to you folks. No dis. intended.


Ladysing I am considering exposing the A to OM GF. I am still considering pros and cons. I may do it tomorrow. Or try at least.

My reasoning is wrong though. I will do it to punish OM not to achieve anything positive in my M.

And yes, OM has said he will kick out GF and take on my WW and 2 kids tomorrow if needed. I am not strong enough to call his bluff today.And he WILL contact WW if I bust him to his GF.

Sorry if I sound like I am pushing back folks, I am not but all situations are different I guess.

Even after the horrible evening I just watched a funny movie with WW and it was nice. no Way does she not love me.

Thanks all. I love you all.

I love you Bob, glad you had a good night with your W.

KY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Its such a mess. I have to be stronger than this.

Thank you all. Pray for us if you hold sway with the Lord.

Bob,
Enough advice for now. I am sending my prayers to you and you W that you can find your way back into each others lives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Ladysing

Thanks. I think we need God's direct intervention, not advice. Why are the heavens brass ? * sigh *

I must move out of this constant state of panic. It is burning me out and unproductive. Not sure how, but i must find a way.

It occurs to me that my WW will meet the OM at next weeks tournament for the first time since exposure of the A. She will have guilt for tehfirst time knowing that her deliberate meeting with him is a deliberate knife in my heart. I wonderif that may help accelerate the end of her EA with him ? Maybe I discovered the A too soon ?

In any case it is clear WW is in NC but does not want to consider the A over right now. She told me that the last couple of years of our M have been increasingly dull and she is right. She increasingly took all her life's pleasure from her sport and I took mine from our kids and my work.

I pray she can find it in her to want to rebuild now.

I must be stronger than this or I risk dying of sadness. I must be cope better, use these emotions more positively.

I considered yesterday that if I gave her what she says she wants NOW, to go to with my children to be with OM it is not only the selfish wrong thing for me, it is absolutely wrong for our kids and EVEN wrong for my WW. It is clear infatuation but I do not know how that will ever break. She believes fervently today that she is in soul mate love with OM and I am just a 'friend'. All we have done forgotten, dismissed. Maybe she needs to meet with OM in guilt to 'feel' what this means. I dunno. I know I must release my concern for NC to continue as it is eating me up. All of this is eating me up. I MUST think more positively and clearly.

I hope time is on our side. This may be a long haul. Dear God Almighty help us.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 02:56 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

My WW said this mroning that I shouldn't have emailed OM to get the karate schedule as 'his GF might've seen it'. I asked why i would care about that and she actually said " just because our lives are crap, theres no need to make his life crap too". never occurred to me I could make his life crap. How nice. My first bit of empowerment.

Unbelievable. I will contact the OM GF first chance I get. I have nothing to lose if they will meet on the 22nd anyway, right ?

Nothing to lose and everything to gain. If you was to read through some of the others BS threads, you would see how typical your W's fog talk is.

check out some profiles, along with DDAY, there is LYBNILWY speech dates as well, all typical. Not trying to generalize your pain, just showing you here soul mate A is not special, or real. Just a silly fantasy she has going on.

Funny she wants to protect him from the GF. Has he threatened her with not telling??

Why wouldn't he want the GF to know if he is her soul mate, they should be anxious to get together. It isn't his W, they aren't tied up legally. Do you see how far gone your W is. NO rational thinking. He has her so fogged.

Tell the GF, tell everybody!!!!!!!!!

We have a thing in the states *67 that will block an incoming call, so if he has caller ID, it will come up for him blocked call if you *67 and then dial his number.

Hang in there Bob.
KY

Yep, she is as mad as a fish, but unfortunately, so am I. Crazy. I need to find the best way to contact this girl.