ok i really need help on this one because i keep going back and forth and wanted some opionons. I honestly dont think my H has had contact with OW through his cell phone sincehe had the number changed. but i cant be 100 percnet sure. the new bill will be posted online either sat or sunday. i was planning on looking at it like every other month BUT. i start a new teaching job on monday. i'm scared if i do find anything i will be distressed and dont want that. so i have come up with theese two options
1. i wont look at this month bill i will just wait till the end of next month. maybe i will just check every other month from now on.
2. go ahead and check it becasue then at least i'll know one way or another

any ideas suggestions please let me know! its hard enough to be going to work and leaving him alone and not konwing whats going on i dont know which option would be best. Thanks!

Look.

It is natural to fear finding something you don't want to see, but you cannot bury your head in the sand. You need to know what you are up against - whether it be good, bad, or just plain ugly.

Look.

SS

mylife,

There are many experts here that an help you better than me. I can only say that I have been through similar delemas. Only you can descide what is best for you. If it was me I would check as often as I could. If it was me I go nuts worrying about it and knowing is always better than suspecting. When you know you can take action, when you are just worrying about it you are just a spectator. You have no power or control. As I said I am very new here and have not even read all the MB stuff. I am not an expert and hesitate to give anyone advice about such an important thing. Listen to the other postes who know more than me, and take thier advice. I will be watching for more posts. The more experienced posters will be able to help you more.

Look at the bill! honestly if he wanted to call her, he will find other ways! Just ask me, my H has pulled all the tricks in the book! he will use a pay phone, a calling card, you name it! Once they know that we can check that cell phone, they will find other ways of calling!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Look at the bill! honestly if he wanted to call her, he will find other ways! Just ask me, my H has pulled all the tricks in the book! he will use a pay phone, a calling card, you name it! Once they know that we can check that cell phone, they will find other ways of calling! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so very TRUE!
So what do we accomplish by looking. Imvho I'd look but regret it, because even if you don't find anything you'll still wonder "Where else can I look?" Trust is misplaced and you won't find it whatever you do. You won't find it by checking his phone records and you won't find it by NOT checking his phone records.

I'd check! and I have checked and if I hadn't checked my W's A would have lasted longer, or it might still be going on. As I type this she could be, might be, has every opportunity in the world to contact the OM. ACTIONS. Look at your H's actions. I know how you feel. You don't want to gain a false sense of security and on the other hand you don't want to be a snooping, paranoid LBer either. I can't tell you what to do, but I can only guess knowing or believeing you know something does give you some type of flimsy baseline.

Why have him change the cell number if you're going to check it?

This is probably a big time LB unless he has agreed to ease your suspicions by giving you free realm to check his cellphone records and YES some couples have that understanding. I wonder sometimes why my W hasnt given me all her passwords, that in itself can give rise to speculation. At some point you must trust him, but is now the time?
Decisions, decisions sorry I can't be more help I can only offer up a cobweb of thoughts.
As Axel would say:

Welcome to the Jungle.

Don't look.

I have struggled with this too. Even this morning I was tempted to look.

But past experience has taught me that in the end it served no purpose except to upset me, and cause me to lie, to hide the fact that I knew he had been with her.

It was all I could do not to let it interfere with plan A . I had to pretend, and I am not a very good actress. I felt very uncomfortable the whole time.

Invasion of his privacy is a big no no in his mind, a huge LB. (In fact I suspect that may have been the ow's undoing).

I have a choice: I can choose to believe that he is not with anyone, or I can assume that he is until I find out differently.

But, either way it makes no difference to how I am going to treat him.

I decided a while ago to be available if he comes to me, and to show him love ,expecting nothing in return. To concentrate on working on myself-the things that I need to do differently in our relationship- and let the chips fall where they may.

The truth has a way of coming out anyway, eventually.

Hi guys thanks for all the advice. as for him finding another way to call her. i know thats a possiablity i know he doesnt use payphones or a calling card but he could and might talkt ot her from his work phone and i will never know. something i've struggled with. as for him not using his cell phone after knowing i will look doesnt seem to be a detterent he has done it repeatadly this past year. even though he know i'd see it everytime! i'm still not sure what i'll do its a hard decision. but i wanted to let everyone know i'm reading all the post and thanks!

MyLife- My husband had lots of contact using the cell phone. The last conversation he had with her on his phone was May 25th. He has since changed his number and I have complete confidence that he has not talked to her since that last call. However... I still look at the bill. This is no secret. You have to pay it... thus you need to look at it.

I still look at it. I just did the other day when it came available online. Sometimes I just need to be reassured. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you looking at it every month. It would be more wrong if you were to actually look at his phone. If he is still talking to her he won't be able to hide it for long.

The last I heard he is still working with her and could have occassional contact... I believe that is hindering your healing process. You never know if he has run into her that day and it can cause your imagination to run away with you.

How is his job search?? Can he quit when you start your new job?? If that is possible... I would strongly encourage it. It was much relief for me when my h stopped working at his job.

Mylife, you need to look. This is how you will rebuild trust in your marriage. You need to be able to confirm INDEPENDENTLY that he is being faithful, and this is but one tool.

You can't trust what he says, so see what he does when he doesn't think you are looking. It will greatly reduce your anxiety and restore your marriage to be able to see that he is being truthful.

Thanks guys I guess i will go ahead and look. I am trying to protect myself but i need to know and my imagination would probably be more harm then knowing the truth.

BW: the job search is ok he is being so much less picky then i thought he really wants a new job back in april he gave his two weeks notice but took it back b/c there was no way for us to pay the bills. so i know he wnats to quit (i dotn know if he wants to quit to get away from her.. he said thats part of it or just b/c he doesnt like his job... ) but he cnat just quit until he finds something else we are so broke right now its not funny . my new job will be making what he mkaes now so we'd be in the same hole were in now. we are so behind and owe eveyrone money luckily our bankruptcy is almost over. he is doing real good about looking for jobs and aplying he is putting in a good effort most of the jobs didnt close until tommow so we'll have to wait and see. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i'll let everyone know how the bill checkign goes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

mylife

listen to melody - she knows what she is saying.

Trust has to be rebuilt - that means that your H has to provide you with the means to independently verify the NC etc. This should be part of the recovery programme.

You need to check - and no it isn't a LB - it is normal behaviour in the cirumstances. If your H flips about it, then he needs to look at his recovery.

Thanks i'll defiantly be checking my H doesnt get upset he knows i will no matter what and eh expects me to look i just dont know why for the past year he has called her so much knowing i will see it

He should want to be transparent if he is now working on the marriage and has NC. If he finds out you're checking and gets real angry. Be suspicious.

My WW went so far as to say, "If I find you snooping anymore this marriage is over!" Translation: If you catch me continuing to fool around/lie/cheat etc. I'll use your snooping as an excuse to run off with OM.

So I continued to snoop (it's tough not to get obsessive about it) and found out she spent a night in a hotel with OM. That's all she needed to take off her wedding ring and cancel our appt. with the MC and set about systematically disassembling our beautiful family. It wasn’t snooping that has caused our problems though, it just helped reveal them.

So continue the "affair research". He must now earn your trust.

You guys are helping me so MUCH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
It hurts but it helps...THANK YOU!

Listen to them My Life...they make total utter sense.