Hello All...

If only things were simple... Wouldn't we all be better off. Long story tried short. I have so many many wounds from our past M. Yes, as strange as that sounds (I was FWS) an EA for a year. But, now we are moving forward, and working on changing our past. Making a better future.

My wounds are deep. From his past drinking and incidents to "the King" syndrome. That he was to be please and the kids and I were to do that at all cost and never get in the way. As little as if they had to go to the bathroom or were hungry on a car trip and H refused to stop. Me trying to comfort them...oh, honey can't you hold it for a while longer.. shshsh Dad is upset, we don't want to bother him. Quietly saying, I know you are hungry, honey, but we have to wait until Dad is ready to stop. I know now I handled it all wrong.

Walking in the door after working yelling about the kids toys left in the yard. No matter how "calm" I had things when he got home, he always found somthing to yell about or critisize. Always complementing other woman, yet not even noticing me. Slapping them on the butt or commenting about their cleavage. Always discouraging me in anything I wanted to do to improve my life. Like school or a part-time job. His reply ... only if I don't have to help anymore with the kids or around the house. Me always covering for him... like oh he is not always like this. H putting on this happy, fun-loving guy front of everyone, but when he walked in the door never smiling and never happy.

I have SO many wounds and scars. I am having such a hard time recovering. When I had the Ea and realized what a mistake I make, it freaked me out and I went to IC and we to MC. It was then that I "woke up" and realized all was not well. This was not a normal way to live. Not excusing the EA, that only made matter worse! Stupid mistake that messed up two messed up lives even more.

Here today, that H the old abusive one is seen less. The H today is trying hard, yet being giving and open and caring isn't his normal way. He fights selfishness, anger and defensivness always. Yet, I NEED to talk to him about my wounds as he needed to talk about my EA and how I hurt him. When I try, his defenses kick in and his anger overrides. I remain quiet, yet I am really drowning inside. When I mention flashbacks, and try and talk it seems to turn to my EA. His "flahbacks".

We are in MC and struggling thru. MC and H acknowlege this, but MC says (H isn't there yet) That it could be two years... I have to be patient. I am trying, I am. It is just so hard when H does something selfish or hurtful, and then he is mad at me. Strange twist it takes. I approach him wrong, or he sees me even mentioning it as an attack. But honestly, I approach him softly and watch every word I say. Almost flinching before I even approach him because I know the response I will be recieving and have to be prepared. The MC said he hopes that some day (but he is not there yet). H can genuinly look at me and say... I am sorry.

I guess I am running a little low. Just venting as they say...

Also, I have read so many things on this type of personality. And the odds of them really ever overcoming this doesn't look good.

Anyone out there who has dealt with these and worked thru and truly changed.. I need encouraged, I need some hope!

Good vent
I think you could use an Al-Anon meeting....

"The King" thingy hit my memory re-wind button... I remember this well .... alcoholics are big old babies and they have to get their way or they punish you one way or another...

Go to Al-Anon... Peace and serenity can be yours. I did not begin Al-Anon until my H had QUIT drinking... and it helped my attitude soooooo much.

Pep

Thanks Pep..

This is not the first time someone mentioned that to me. I think it is time for me to take action and take that step...

But honestly, I approach him softly and watch every word I say.

Herin lies your dilemma.... Al-Anon can help you learn to stand up for what is RIGHTFULLY yours....

Walking on eggshells is not an adult-to-adult marriage.... EVER!

Pep

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I am a "king".

Get the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. This explains the type of behavior you describe. It also tells you how to respond. The book's wording makes the blackmailer sound like a monster. This is not the case. I read the book and felt really guilty for acting like the "king". I didn't even know I was doing it. Was you husband emotionally abused as a child? I was. This could be why he acts the way he does. Ask your MC if this would be a good book for both of you to read.

By the way my WW chose to have an EA through the Internet, because of my emotional distance and controlling ways. This is not how our courtship was before we were married. It seems to happen when things fall into a rut and the tasks of the daily grind comsume you and your spouse.

Good luck,

Just_Friends_NOT

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Just_Friends_NOT ]</small>