I don't mean that like it sounds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If anyone needs to read my background I'll dredge up the links, but I'm not sure it matters for this Q. Short version, husband and I have been separated for 1.5 months and living fairly far apart. We're friendly on phone/email/IM and we plan to visit each other every other month (he's coming up here next week).

We have mutual friends in the place I just left and he's still living. I'm keeping contact with one friend in particular who I got along very well with (wouldn't say best friends, but we were good friends) by email. This friend just happens to be 1/2 of the couple that my husband and I considered to be our best friends in that area. (ie, it's who we hung out with and did stuff with the most).

I've been letting her know how I'm doing..what kind of things I've been up to, etc. Her last email had a PS that said, "H seems very lonely here, is looking forward to seeing you." Now, I'm not really sure it's true that he's lonely and have to consider that fact that maybe she's just trying to make me feel good, though she's not usually like that (lol..sometimes more truthful to me than I wanted her to be). That's not really the point, just mentioned it cuz it indicates she's not indifferent what's going on between my husband and I.

So emailed her back..indicating that it was still hard, but getting better each day. I mentioned some of the things I was doing to get my life in gear and of what I was doing to change things that I want to change. I also talked about just some of the fun things I was doing. I told her about finding this website (not the name of it though). Lol, also recommended that if she ever saw Surviving and Affair to READ it cuz it could help anyone, affair or not.

I guess my concern it this. I really do want her to know how I'm doing because she has the wonderful quality of being able to tell me how it really is (she doesn't pussyfoot), but she does it in a really great and supportive way. But I can't say that part of me doesn't also hope that she talks to my husband (I've never asked her to do anything like this before and I'm not sure if she has on her own or not) in a general sort of way about my emails. I'm careful not to overstate or understate my progress to her in case she DOES say something.

I'm obviously not willing to give her up as part of my support system, but I'm afraid of getting into a juvenile "He likes you", "Na-uh", "ya-huh, he SAID." I don't *think* it would get like that, but I don't want to get my hopes up over anything she might relate to me about my husband's feelings. On the other hand, as a friend that we both value, she could help. I don't know. I still don't think I'd ask her to do anything like that..and yet I *do* hope that she takes it upon herself to help.

I guess I don't have a question..just putting my thoughts down.

What have been your experiences with mutual friends?

Be careful.

I have told things in confidence to mutual friends only to find these things have gotten back to my WW and actually prompted her to change her demands in our separation agreement. Not in my favor of course.

I have recently found out that other mutual “friends” have gone out to dinner with WW and OM. Suffice to say she can have those “friends”.

So my advice is to be very very careful what you say. Also, real friends will have a tough enough time feeling like they are caught in the middle, don’t use them as covert messengers too. If you have something to say to WH tell him.

Thanks, Binder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I don't think the first two situations would apply (never say never, but I don't *think* they would)..but your last paragraph confirms to me that I felt uncomfortable for not asking her to become involved for a good reason.

But I *am* loathe to lose her as a form of support. I REALLY hate to say this but at the moment I don't have any close friends and my family isn't really approachable about stuff like this. I'm working towards changing the friend situation, but that's where I'm at right now. I love her "tell it like it is with love" attitude! I will keep communicating with her, but I'll be careful how I word things. I want her to know when I'm doing good...and want her support when I'm not doing good. But I *do* think that I can make sure I'm not being manipulative in any way.

It takes a skilled, caring, and empathetic friend to be in that position and not let themselves be pulled in both directions. I have one who can do that, but it's tough. It does throw a good many of your friendships into chaos.

You need an outlet to hear your thoughts; a person to talk to and validate your feelings. More than just this board. I know how ones mind can race at times. Mine did.

I hope your friend can navigate the balancing act.