i'm holding on with my nails i feel like. all of this happend since tuesday . things had been going so well then my H got mad at me about the restrauant then some other minor things . well ever since that he has been distant and wierd . moody i guess and sometimes mean. Tonight we were talking and he started talking to me like i was his child again (which is one of his LB he said i used to talk to him like he was a child...) so he does it to me. i said hey i dont want to aruge aobut this now.. he gets mad gets off the phone real fast.

On his way home we are talking i'm trying to be nice about it but we are talking about his attitude he said hes feeding off what i give him i know its BS b/c when i went to the resturant i had no attitude. when i told him i didnt wnat to eat a certin food i had no attitude and i did NOT have an attitude tonight!!! well i said i didnt see how i had an attitude when i picked the wrong resturant. and he hung up the phone and has it turned off.

the biggest part of me wants to not speak to him but in the beggining of all this i feel it started when i withdrew b/c of some stuff that was happening so i'm scared to withdraw. but i dont know what else to do. i dotn want to argue either. i am not going ot have him walking all over me. things were so great now this.... i dont know what to do .

i dotn know if it has to do with contact with the ow or not it changed on tuesday he was with me since sat and had been sweet the whole time and i knew he had NO contact with her since the last time if he did wouldve been friday afternoon. so why teh change on tuesday? why the attitude. what do i do. i know i'm not suppose to talk about things but i dont know how to just let it ride when he is being MEAN>

another thing REALLY bothering me is when we got back together he spent months proving to me he had changed: he wanted to do fun things, he wanted to be a family man, he courted me, he was very affectionate sweet, and the biggest thing he listend to me i told him more stuff during those few montsh then ever before.. and now that is all gone. i feel like he fooled me ortricked me into getting back with him then changeing the deal once he had me back.....

i'm holding on so hard but i cant take much more things were peacful when he wanst here that is not what i want but i want peace and i dont think he can be nice...

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: mylife25 ]</small>

i dont know what to do anymore.. last night we talked he said he is just giving me back the attitude igive him he said i have a "tone" in my voice when i talk to him. and he has tlaked to me about it before and the only way to get through to me is to treat me how he states i am treating him.

we've gone through this before but i dont knw what hemeans about the tone. i've asked a few of my good friends they said that mostly its just my voice and they 've heard it before but since they've known me so long they know i'm not mad or its not directed at them. when i try to change my tone purposly he says i'm acting nice or being fake.... so hwo do i win.. once again a no win situation with him i almost feel like he does NOT wnat me to win.

I just dont think thats why this started b/c it started when we went to a resturant i thought was open but was closed i had no tone i said nothing he just got mad. i told him he also has been getting angry easy at the kids again. (his anger was one of the things he was supposed to be working hard on in our marriage!!!).

i dont know how you guys plan A. i'm getting so hurt here.. i feel like i'm getting used. i mean he'll be nice along with me for a few days or a few weeks then bam back into jerk mode and i get hurt and i feel like we have to start back from the beggining right when i'm feeling better about things..

I dont know what to do i want to withdraw so bad i just dont want to call him at work ( i only call him 1 or 2 times hes there 15 hours a day)i just want to back off. but i dont konw that that would be wise! but im sick of havin gmy feelings trampled on. I have probably messed up my plan A. i get confused in alot of ways i know were not supposed to talk about our R or M but. we are supposed to be in recorvery shouldnt we talk about our M? he says he wants me to be open with him but when i am he gets fustrated or doesnt like what i'm feeling. or he says that i'm wrong its the other way and it s my fault (a lot of thees traits have always been the way h e is.. except he was suppose to be working on them to change our m fo rthe better.)

well now i'm just stuck i feel like withdrawing but dont know if i should scared he'll run to ow if he isnt or hasnt already.but it hurts just when i call him and he just sounds monotone to me and then he gets rude or whatever. i called this morning b/c i had a question about the cell phone were supposed to be getting. he was so monotone. it wasnt funny... im sick ...

There is probably renewed contact with the OW. What I have learned about my FWH is that when he was in contact he was wracked with guilt and to help himself feel justified he would convince himself how horrible a person I was (not enough s#x, etc...) Also, the WS will start fights to feel better about continuing their A.

I would be on the lookout for continued contact.

I would also not argue with H. If you didn't have an attitude when you went to the restaurant, simply say that, don't wait for him to convince you. You may have to bend a bit with him...Orchid is very good at the fog babble, but something like...
"I'm not seeing how I had an attitude, but if that is your perception, I can't argue against it."

Talk a bit like a politician...neither agree or disagree.

If he says, "You are mean" babble back "You think I'm mean."

And that phone turning off thing? Is it possible he started a fight to give him an excuse to turn the phone off to be with OW? Or the argument was for the OW's benefit..."See, she is a b&t*h and we don't get along..."?

Now I'm thinking too far ahead.

What is the plan now? What if there is renewed contact, had you both talked about what will happen? Can you find proof?

SHMI:
Hi thanks for your reply. last night when we got in the disagreement and he turned the phone off he was alone in his car. on his way home i think he just did it so we wouldnt talk.. he hates talking. but he gets mad and says we dont have a real marriage because we dont talk enough (aobut things bothering us etc) we've read communication books etc he seeems to get it but never applies it!

Well I dont think i could go through this agian with reneweed contact. this year has been tomultous (sp) on me and i cant do it again. heknows that. the only way i can proove it is if its on his phone bill.. i dont think it will be i have no idea if he talks/emails her at work. i still want to call her but that would make him mad even if he has had no conatact with her he doesnt want me talking to her then she'd know all the lies he told her too! and he would probably not want to work on the M. I dont know what to do or what my plan should be i dont know that i'll be able to find out.

Here is a letter i wrote i have no idea if he'll everf see it but i wrote it and i'll post it here for thoughts:


Dear Mr. my life25,
I dont know if you'll ever recive this letter from me or not but i need to write it. I am hurting here. I feel so much pain i feel like I did last year whne your affair first started.
When we got back together i had felt so strong for our marriage i had confindence in your word of not calling her and of all the hard work you did to change for the better of our marriage. I had so much faith in your words maybe i had too much fait in them seeing all that we had been through that past year. but nonthe less i had it. even after the first contact march/april i still held in my heart and head that i belived you that it was accidental. you didn tknow why you did it etc.
ONce i found out you had once again accpeted gifts from her and you were having her clal you on your cell phone when it was off to leave you messages. that broke me down again. And ever since then it has been a rollercosater where you'll be nice to me one moment and mean the next. I dont know what is causeing this rollercoaster of emotions coming from you.
I am sorry you feel you get a tone from me or an attitude i did not see that i gave you any attitude but if you feel i did i can not argue with that. i am sorry that you felt that way. I feel there is more to the situatin then i know. I feel like you are not telling me all thta is wrong. your anger strted on tuesday and i can not think of anything that happend to provoke it. You just sound monotone and not really there even though up until MOnday everything had been great you were sweet romantic caring. you emailed me from work to tell me you love me you'd be affectionate. then everything changed over night.
If there is soemthing bothering you please talk to me. i am your wife i love you. I love us. I am trying hard to fight for our marriage. Please talk to me , that was on of the things we were suposed to work on. i feel we've lost site of the plans we have had to make our marriage work. we need to regain sight of those goals and work 100 percent toward completting them.
If this is going on becuase you are still in contact with this girl. then we need to make a choice. there can not be 3 people in a marriage there can only be 2. things will never seem better if you stil lhave her to talk to email when you are at work.
When we got back togehter I promised you I would open up to you more and that we would do more things with the two of us. I also told you that I would be more affectionate and loving. I promised to open up to you more. You promised me youd work on your anger, you'd do more things with us as a family, to be more attentive to me, to give me affection and sweet thoughts. WE both do theese things some of the tiem but not enough we need to wake up every morning and make a 100 percent effort to our marriage.
I feel as if you are pushing me away. do you want me to be pushed away? I'm hurting. I need you to take down your wall permanlty not for a few days. i want to come in and be close to you. i miss you, i feel like i catch a glimse of you for a few days or a few weeks then your gone again. i miss the tender moments when were togehter when your really focused and tuned in. i long for it to be like that all the time.
I also want you to know that i think your an awesome hard working man. You work very hard at your job to be a support to your family. it makes me proud. i am thankful for all the hard work you have ever done. I am hopeful that you will get a good job that will make you happier then the one that you have right now. you desever it. Thank you.
I love you . I see our future and i'm excited now that we will both be wokring and able to move to a nicer place. we will be able to encounter many new adventures. i'm excited for the year ahead and the next 50 or more years ahead. i love you with all my heart. i just wanted you to know how i'm feeling and how i'm hurting. i hope we can get off this roller coaster and actually make the changes necessary for us to be happy together forever. love you wife, forever, Mylife25

any ideas? i'm thinking of calling him and telling him look we need to talk i'm not happy wiht the situation. and etc.... i cant take this i'm startng to have panic attacks again...

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: mylife25 ]</small>

OK guys heres what i have uncovered form my H please let me know what you think!!!

{background}: when me and H seperated i met another guy at this point i thought we were definatly gettin g a D. well I got in a situation with this other guy (OG) well i wrote a NC letter when me and my H got back and then he kept emailing me i changed my email address. so he kept calling hte house the last time he did i changed the phone number.


we talked. after all we were talking about i kept trying to figure out why he was being mean.. me thinking he was talking to OW agian. finnanly out of no where he says why is OG calling the hosue still. i said he isnt i never gave him new phone number! he said no he called on monday while you were out. it was a 401 number (og;s number was 585) I said no thats my borther's cell phone he siad i thought the 375 number was your brothers cell. (what hpapned was my bro was trying to buy a comp and my h is a big comp guy so he called from his cell i gues s my h didnt answer the phone thinking it was OG. so my bro used the computer stores phone to call and H answered it thinking the computer store was my Bro's cell) well i explained this to H he didnt buy it i said the numbers are still on the caller id we can call them when he gets home he sai thats ok.. is aid why i want you to know that i am not calling OG ( i already show him my phone records every month!) he said i dont really care b/c if thats what you want to do so then so be it..

now i'm wondering if this is really waht has been bohtering him and if so how do i fix it if he doesnt want me to prove it to him. and why wouldnt he want me to prove it to him? Also this would make a lot of sense bc/ he had been acting strange since i got back that day! any suggestions