I have worked out the road that lad to my W affair. Forgive me if I outline it here.

Until we had kids we were primary leisure partners of each other. 1st child was a 'screamer' as a baby so we had few offers of babysitting. We became self-sufficient but the baby became our primary activity, still together. W still attended Karate lessons once per week.

2nd baby came along (7 YA) our parents are now very elderly and other friends/relatives have kids of their own so looking after our kids while we do stuff regularly is hard for them. We do stuff together more rarely. Wife briefly gives up karate for a couple of years.

When our youngest was under1 I got a great new job with some travelling. It paid enough for wife to give up work to support my new job.

She resumes karate 2 lessons per week.

Over the next 4 years she has become a senior instructor at her club and now teaches 2 night sper week. This is highly fulfilling for her. I continue to travel occasionally but mostly work from home.

Around 1-2 years ago she introduced my kids to Karate and that means another night per week where my W doesn't teach or train, but takes the kids into her Karate community. So thats three nights per week, every week.

I have stayed at home working, supporting customers across many timezones thinking I was being supportive of my family's sporting prowess.

Now my w is 40, active karate participation is becoming finite, so I actually ENCOURAGED her to study to qualify as a judge, then a referee - deep involvement in the sport at a senior level but that does not require such personal physical participation. The UKs senior refreree personally helped her to qualify in record time, completing June thi year at an international competition in Italy ( Which I had to pay for, and take a weeks vacation to look after my kids for while she went, incidentally).

She fell in love with this man in Italy and soon after returning to the UK they began their affair. I discovered it after only 5 or 6 sex sessions but my W swears its love.

In summary: I have sponsored my wife building the most fulfilling part of her life around her sport exclusing me, helped her load my kids into this world an dnow I have watched her find another man who is utterly supportive of this new world from WITHIN That world leaving me outside with NOTHING.

I have to ask her now to never see the OM again, but that means hugely restricting her Karate activities and ambitions, AND THEN i have to ask her to drop participation in Karate to a level where she and I can re-integrate our lives and learn to love each other's leisure company again.

As she told me tonight "you're asking me to do something I just can't do right now".

And who can blame her? She LOVES this life she has built or herself- it is miles away from the 'mumsy' world of being a supporting wife and mother which is all I have offered her these last few years. How can I expect her to withdraw from the man she honestly believes she loves with all her heart AND the social life she loves equally passionately? If she chooses ME because of old time, because of the kids, etc etc she will lose SO MUCH its untrue.

If she chooses him she gets a new more exciting lover who is 'king' of her new world and she will become 'queen' and she'll lose the support role of me that so obviouly frustrates her.

So far (9 days) after the affair was outed i have yet to see a single act of contrition from her. She refuses to stop planning karate tournaments, and goes to karate lessons. She has a girls weekend at our holiday home with her best friend without me (but with the children) this weekend choosing her own pleasure over my pain relief yet again. She does not seem to care that her actions are killing me, or at least doesn't recognise so. She HATES me asking who is calling or text messaging her. Hates when I ask where she's going. She has become a wild bird with my support and will not take kindly to wing clipping.

If she chose the OM she'd get great sex, full support of her karate life, and no restrictions or suspicion from him, to begin with at least.

Only the kids broken hearts would be a downer, but in her opinion, her lover is a cross between Jesus and Dr Seuss so he'll become new Dad is double quick time to them.

Is there too much broken for us to ever rescue our marriage? Once again I am LOST....

Only good thing is she is still in my house and my bed and discussing these things albeit slowly...

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WW choosing life vs life, not man vs man </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, this title of your post is a very profound statement that gets to the real core of the matter, as is usually the case in affairs. That is, the OP is not the issue. He's merely the drug of choice, the conduit for escape, the any-port-in-a-storm.

This point is vital for BSs to understand.

Hence, Plan A. Focus on what was missing from your marriage, not on the affair. You can change what was missing, but you cannot make them end the affair.

What part did you play in the M's downfall?

I hear that it was karate's fault, or your W's involvement in karate that was to fault. The independent behavior...why didn't you get involved too? Why didn't you go to Italy too?

No its not karates fault. It was my blind support of my Wifes sporting activities as a lazy alternative to discovering and meeting her changing emotional needs as I focussed on my work. I just lay out the mechanics here. I know its my fault. I suggested it but my W said It would be an independent adventure for her without me & the kids. And she'd be embarassed as noone else was taking their families. I never pressed the point. I loved her, but was lazy with it.

Mea culpa

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 07:46 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>