<small>[ August 06, 2004, 03:50 AM: Message edited by: CMTS1964 ]</small>

You do NOT deserve this treatment.

Your husband(?) is responsible for his own behaviour...there are no excuses for domestic violence.

Are you aware of the cycle of DV? This cycle varies but generally rotates between relative calm and an explosion of abuse.

I'm going to give you a rundown hopefully you can see a pattern emerging similar to your situation as posted above.


Build up phase____Standover phase____EXPLOSION____remorse phase____pursuit phase____honeymoon phase____Buildup phase


I understand it must be hard for you to talk about this,I certainly appreciate your feelings of fear.

Your safety is paramount. Help is available.

Please call a Domestic Violence Counsellor in your area. You dont deserve this...no one does.


Max

CMT -

This is abuse. You need to get away and stay away from him.

Has this happened before in your marriage?

CMT -

This is abuse. You need to get away and stay away from him.

Has this happened before in your marriage?

Get out.

Regardless of anything else going on, he has no right to abuse you.

thank you for your replies. no this had never occurred in our relationship prior to my disclosure (we are not married and we don't live together). maybe before because our relatioship was superifical (in his eyes since the disclosure he says it wasn't in his mind). our relationship was one of those on/off however in his eyes even when we were definately off; that anything i did in that time is an A. i spoke with him tonight, he got word today his best friend O/S who we were due to see in 3 weeks has been killed. of course, i am going to comfort him at a distance. even tonight he is saying, 'you just don't get it, you did something secretive which triggers all your affairs'. why does he lash out and just want to hurt me? i asked that question tonight and his answer was 'why do you still want to hurt me with your insensitive uncaring things and statements'. we have spent so many hours ripping me and my behaviour apart and throughout it i asked that we too need to look at yours, the answer 'your the one that has sl... around and had fun, i have always loved you and never ran off with anyone'. he has and still has EA's however in his eyes that is not correct - one particular one is a business partner of 18 years (they had a fling in the start) and it is like his exwife. she rings all different times, she doesn't know that i am around again, i have never met her as his partner in the 5 years, she shops for him, buys him gifts, has his home number (i am not allowed it in case i call in the mind of the night if we have had an argument) she has the use of his holiday homes and i don't.
i don't know, i am feeling so many mixed emotions. i previous marriage ended because of domestic violence and he has always said how gutless these people are - what has triggered him to lower his standards. his father was an abusive man to his mother and always says he'll never be like him and uses that as an excuse why he won't marry - he is his father now.
God Bless
i suppose there are double standards

You're not a WS---you aren't married to this guy. In addition to contacting a Domestic Abuse shelter, file a restraining order against him. There's no reason whatsoever for you to maintain a relationship with this man.

get out, get out, get out......

When there is any kind of abuse or addiction there can be no recovery until those issues are dealt with!

The fact that your physical well being is in jeopardy is enough for you to halt the recovery process. Find a safe place. your partner needs to be made aware, in no uncertain terms, his behaviour is unacceptable! Once he gets professional help and deals with his anger issues then the two of you may be in a position to discuss recovery.

Sadly, for now, recovery is neither safe nor realistic, at this time, for you.

May God Bless each one of you that have replied to my post. All that you are saying is very true, so then why do i have this guilt. I have disclosed all that i have done and obviously hurt him; he attacks me physically, verbally and emotionally and now i feel it is because of my disclosure. do you know where i am coming from? don't get me wrong, his behaviour is by no means an acceptable way to deal with anger. yes you are probably correct in saying the recovery can't occur until his anger and this issue with his business partner be cleared.
so this morning he flew out of the country for his friends funeral (god works in the strangest ways) this gives me time to mend and him time to reflect. he knows he has damaged the relationship however has trouble accepting that i did the wrong thing and now he is the one that has caused this horrible end. he said that he really should have gone to get counselling (i go however he didn't want to, he did come to one session) however he needs to deal with his own stuff.
I thought the post was interesting saying 'i'm not the WS, your not married to this guy' - i would be interested to hear further why this was said.
thank you once again May God Bless you all.

I thought the post was interesting saying 'i'm not the WS, your not married to this guy' - i would be interested to hear further why this was said
Because you are not married, therefore you cannot be a wayward spouse. Yes, you were a wayward partner, but that is not the same as a wayward spouse.
You wrote, "we are not married and we don't live together".

Since there is no marriage and he is beating you, you have even less of a reason to stick around.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thank you, you are correct and probably if i was truthful to myself, he didn't want to marry me before i disclosed - there is no chance he wants to now after the disclosure. he doesn't include me, introduce me with family or friends was he is not sure (this has been the excuse over 5 years) little by little in this process he has made changes to that but not the important ones. i'm not taken to family things, social gatherings etc. when he talks on the phone the conversation is 'I' not 'we'. it is not disclosed if i am at his house and someone calls. if we go away, and someone calls it is 'i'm doing this and that' no reference that i'm away with him. me on the other hand is open about us, and he gets very upset if i make an impression that he is not with me if someone calls.
i tried to explain the concept how people on marriage builders have something to hold onto in their recovery - THEIR MARRIAGE, i don't have anything other than my commitment and his verbal commitment-DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? he was very hurt over that because he feels our commitment should be enough for me to hang onto in this recovery time?

Just because you cheated does not give him the right to be abusive. Your guilt is misplaced. Do you see the abuse as your punishment for cheating? Is that acceptable?? I don't think so.

Many BS or partners are just as hurt, maybe more than your partner and they do not abuse the WS! You have stated, in so many words, he does not respect you or even include you. A wedding band will not change that, if anything the odds are it'll get worse.

Perhaps, you may want to consider seeing an IC to help you sort through some of the issues you are having.

No one has the right to abuse you and you have the right to set boundaries!

thank you again for your words. tonight i am feeling so lost. as in my post i mentioned that my partner had to do a dash O/S as his bestfriend was killer on Friday. last night we spoke on the phone for around 5 hours, i comforted him with kind words and compassion on his grief. he told me he was flying out at 5.30 this morning with the parents of the guy that was killed, and that he was staying for 2 weeks. so i went to the airport at 4.45am as i wanted to give him my St Christopher medal to take with him to protect him. by 5.30am there was no sight of him, his phone rang out so i sent a SMS Text to tell him what i had done and that i must have missed him. on the way home i got this funny feeling which i thought was odd. i logged onto his email and to discover his flight confirmed yesterday was for 2.10pm today returning in 4 weeks. i tried to call again and his phone is turned off. instantly i smelt a rat. so i went to the airport for the 2.10pm flight and he was no where to be seen.
just as the flight is boarding, i saw him out of the corner of my eye whating for his business partner (female friend of 18 years an issue that has been a major problem). i turned away because i was shaking and when i turned back he was gone. i walked closer to the departure gates and he was all but running onto the plane.
so in my time of comforting him last night with the lose of his friend, he has chosen again to lie about the time of departure (probably because he didn't want me to come out and see him off if she was with him) he lied about going by himself (she knew the guy who was killed also) and he lied about his length of time away possibly because they are going to travel again. we were supposed to be going O/S in 3 weeks time. he did the same to me some 4 years ago. after we broke up, he then took her.
i suppose i am not surprised because he has pulled this stunt before, only last year.
disappointed, betrayed and lost are probably the words i am looking for. in his mind, he is justified because i am the cheater partner.
anyway, that's life. i suppose i don't have to come here anymore as i don't have a relationship. i sold my house to get rid of any reminder of what i had done, i gave away all my furniture and we were going to go away and travel. i am now sitting here with a borrowed plastic table and chair, no fridge, no washing machine, no bed and he knew this because that was the plan. because i was sending majority of my time over at his house it didn't matter. last night when we discussed, he didn't even care that the women he supposedly loved was living like a street person. and all for what, he has jumped on a plane with his best friend/come business partner, i have given up everything and am now wondering when my time runs out here in 2 weeks that i have no where to go. i had given up my job and took on temp work so it would allow us to travel. maybe that is another way of him punishing me, he didn't even offer that i stay at his place probably because he has never trusted me with my own key. i would have to sit outside and wait to be let in, ha if he was 1/2, 1 hour - sorry darling was all i got.
so yea, i have some pretty tough decisions to make about me and my own life. i feel i have been taken for one hell of a ride.
thank you again for your kind words

I am a BS, d-day only ten days ago. I really don't care if I live or die right now, but even after this huge betrayal I would not consider offering violence to my wife.

If I wouldn't do this now, at the lowest point ever in my life I see no reason why your partner should be excused.I think that without physical safety, you have no chance of rebuilding your relationship. I would get out to a place of safety and say why. Meet only in public etc.

Sorry I cannot be more help, I am new to this and hurting so much I cannot think, but that does not mean I cannot see you need to get out.

Dear,

In this particular case I think you should end the relationship. He is using you. All his issues are just that - HIS issues. He thinks he got a firm hold on you now, an A (or a supposed A?) that he can resent you for the rest of your life. And use it to vent his anger.

I was married to a similar man for 9 years. He drank. He was emotionally abusive 99% of the time, sometimes also physically or sexually. I know how these guys "work". Sometimes they are really kind and wonderful and you just hang on to those nice memories. But most of the time they'll make you feel like you're stupid, not trustworthy, lazy, whatever negative things they can think of. They'll never say "I'm sorry" but they will make damn sure you feel sorry for even existing and being so "wrong".

And NO, he has NO right to beat you. Never. He's got a real problem there that was waiting to surface, you can be damn sure it would have surfaced if you didn't have an A. Don't be fooled into thinking "it's all your fault that he is like this now", that's such a lame excuse for not taking his responsibility for his own actions.

This man is no good for you. Unless he attends a lot of counseling to deal with his anger issues, with his fear of committing to anyone while he's stringing them along nonetheless and is very possessive about you... you will be far better off without him when you start getting free from his hold. This is not love he is giving you. He's like an abusive father that just wants to punish you for "not being good" instead of an adult who is hurting but still wants to do the decent thing and work on your relationship.

Get out my dear... don't waste 9 years or more like I did... you CANNOT change him. HE has to change himself.

BROWNHAIR - thank you for your reply.
all you say is hitting home. i have just checked his email and guess what. his flight details which i found this morning are going which indicates whilst at the airport with his best friend....he has deleted the confirmation details. not only deleted but killed it out of the trash can..i am just so blowen away by this whole scene. i am now believing that this recovery which has been horrific on me, was more about punishing me.
it killed his ego, he strung me along, treated me like some gutter dog who was at his call and when he found out that i didn't sit around waiting for him, he put on this 'poor me'. what a good damn fool i have been, i really thought i had shattered him because he loved me so much. it wasn't about love, it was about his ego.
he tried to call whilst waiting for his plane interstate and reversed the call...and i know that because no one else has my number (i wasn't allowed to give it out after i changed it, it had to be exclusive to him) what a shame i wasn't here to hear the bull**** story how he changed his flight etc. i believe he thinks i didn't see him at the airport. it will be very interesting to hear from him when he arrives at his destination.
anyway, i am making plans for somewhere to live. i am going to buy a unit next week. once that is done, i am out of here. i had given up my job to travel with him (however no plans where made because he didn't know if he could trust me to behave) and i am going to book my own O/S holiday.
what a turn around, i have spent the last 7 months totally beating myself up because i had done the wrong things and he had told me that he had made his intentions very clear and didn't see them because i wanted to be a sl....t.
thank you again May god bless you

Good for you to get your life back together.
I hope you'll eventually meet a nice guy that CAN commit and who will know that an affair is no solution to M problems.. I hope you picked up on some of the stuff here on MB, it's worth thinking about even if no A is involved.

We tend to repeat our mistakes until we have really learned from them. We tend to pick out the next "mister Wonderful" who will then turn out to be married and forgot to tell us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .. or who turns about to be abusive too.. We might even have another A in that relationship because we have no tools to work on things IN a relationship.. So it's very important to understand how this things work.

Good luck to you and have a wonderful holiday O/S (I guess that means you're coming my way? Europe?) !

thank you. i am abit concerned that i may have mislead you, i was the one that had the A's not him. yes it is pretty much a done deal, the more i am thinking about the last 48 hours 20 people telling me 'it's not right' must be saying something. however, there is one thing, I kind of feel this funny emotion - i betrayed and hurt and now i am running to a better life...something just doesn't gel there. i laid absolutely every card on the table (i know he didn't but he will swear black & blue he did)
he even spun me a line that he had a relationship with a women soon after he dumped me the first time. he carried this story for 7 months, then the oter came clean and said he only did that to help me open up and to hurt me (there was no other relationship-gee i struggled with that lie). maybe i am seeing things in a different light now. i used to get so jealous of him doing/taking/looking after all these 'female friends' - now i just think 'poor things, he is just controllig them, they are just a plot to play with his go'. i guess i thought of this today, he was so depressed last week because no one was running to him (he had removed himself, so he said and no one was thee for him. because in the past he was inviting himself, because he wasn't doing that none of his friends did it for him). now with his best friend passing away, what was the first thing he did? contacted all the 'female needy friends' and they are all laying it thick for him. that thought came today and i thought, he hasn't learnt anything from all this - i have. so he will continue to be attracted and get into relationships with women who will cheat.
yes europe is where i will be going. i was supposed to do that trip back in 2000 however circumstances around my children i decided not to do it. my partner on the other hand, dumped me and took his business partner (bit like now). thank you once again for your insights.

I bit my H the night I found out he was having an A. It took time for me to realize that there is NO EXCUSE for abuse -- NONE. It took a lot of therapy for me to understand that I cannot be abusive -- ever, and even two years later I am coming to the realization that I cannot control him about anything. He is in charge of his life.

This man is trying to control you -- and he justifies his abuse by the hurt you have caused him. It is a very difficult problem. Don't try to deal with it. Get out now when it is easier.
Cherished