Before you read further...there are a couple of things I need.

1) Don't judge
2) Be honest
3) Don't advise
4) Please refrain from using acronyms (it has been awhile since I've been here and I really don't want to read all that again)
5) Do not expect me to be rational, religious or 'politically correct'
6) If you are sensitive please go away I am angry I do not care about anyone else right now
7) Do not quote me in any respone to me (that is so condescending and annoying)
8) Don't be afraid to ask tough questions and I will not be afraid to answer a well as I can
9) help me

I first started posting here about six years ago after learning my new wife (one month) had slept with someone else and that the child I thought was mine may not be mine. That was a bad time. I have long since made my decision to do my best to forgive and to be a husband and a father.

Since then, my wife and I have 'survived' bankruptcy, a cocaine addiction, emotional stress, sexual disfuction, sexual addiction (mine), alcoholism, depression and more I may not even be aware of. Some of these problems still exist and I'm sure that my children are paying a price (though we have given our very best efforts to shield our children of these afflictions).

I know God is still with me, but I miss his grace and affection.

I know the way home but I cannot bring myself and my family to get on the road.

My wife is ignorant, selfish, rude, disgusting, lazy and she knows it. Her self esteem is on the floor.

Since I hve been with her I feel I have become disgusting, lazy, selfish and rude. However, I know my mind and my heart have kept this 'family' afloat and out of life threatening danger.

I have to also thank my parents who have bailed us out time after time with problem after problem.

Once again, I find myself at a crossroad. After six years we have a somewhat clean slate and the means by which to create something beautiful, and once again, I feel my engine running low on fuel.

I feel I have suffered at my own hands for six years for something that wasn't my fault. I feel exhausted, cheated and in despair once again. I feel like giving up...again, but I don't want to suffer anymore.

God wants me to return to his house but I am so ashamed of my life and of myself. I hate myself.

Sometimes I think I only exist to try and create children who will survive and prosper better than I have.

Where is my happiness?

My wife does not love me...she needs me. She does nothing for me. When she does, it is only for validation. I am still here...still trying to to make a difference. Isn't that validation enough?

God forgive me for all the wrong I have done...when will this test be over?

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" recently?

Have you thought about starting to go to church together as part of the new start?

What is the ideal that you envisage for your family? How far away from that are you and what small realistic changes can you make now to get your family moving towards that?

Are these questions tough enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear,

It's now 8 months after D-Day and I'm doing much better. It's not "gone" but I can have fun and not think about the "bad things" for longer and longer periods of time.
How did I get there? And not turn away from God?

- As far as karma is concerned - bad things happen to good people and good people can do stupid things. I have to learn that life is as it is, not how I want it to be. I have to learn to truely accept. "Thy will be done" instead of "If it's not my will then I feel you have forsaken me". (I put this a little stronger in but changed it as not to offend anyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
- I stopped being afraid of telling others what was bothering me. Well, I'm still afraid but I tell them anyway.
- I set my boundaries. No, not "everything goes". I'm not going to give until my heart breaks anymore. If someone needs a kick in the a$$ they'll damn well get it from me - if it will help them. I'll think about it a 100 times, then kick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
- I do things that make me feel good about myself. I do things just for me.
- I stick to my decisions and when I don't, I kick my own a$$ until I do.
- Being a good and understanding and loving person does NOT mean taking crap from anyone.

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 04:31 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

These questions are exactly the type of thing I need. Thank you.

I want to go back to church with my family. I have always felt it is my duty to bring my family into God's prescence. My wife went last Sunday with the kids which was a little surprising as she has always been a little less spiritual than I. I thank my mother for hounding us as much as she does about going to church with her. However, I didn't know about my wife's plans and when she woke me up to ask me if I wanted to go with her and the kids, I was half asleep and not convinced of her sincerity so I said 'no' thinking she would at least argue with me or something. Well she didn't, she quietly got herself and the kids ready and went to church. When I was fully awake I felt a little abandoned and ashamed that I had said 'no'.

This is my problem...I am hesitant to take myself to church. I am ashamed of myself. I am afraid to 'let go'. I am afraid of feeling vulnerable again even to God. I feel I have been through too much...sinned too much to try and be holy again. There was a time when I was on the right path. Then I met my wife, got her pregnant, married her and fell out of grace. I am scared to try and live righteously when I know I will not be able to walk the line I am supposed to...the line I want to walk. There are other reasons...I love to praise God and worship. I love to Listen and learn the lessons. I just can't stand the hipocracy. I can't stand feeling pressured to tithe to receive the full benefits of the church. I don't beleive in all the aspects of 'church' as I do in Jesus Christ. It makes me uncomfortable.

As for the future, I need to be successful. I need to go back to school (college). I need to help my wife overcome a traumatic childhood. I need to raise loving and happy children. I need to be comfortable financially. I need to make it work. I just don't know if I can with all this hate, jealousy, shame, hurt, etc inside of me.

It has been a long time since I fought off temptation...any temptation. I don't think I have the courage or the faith to do so.

Dear Brownhair,

Thank you for the story. It helps to know there are others out there who are simply willing to share for the sake of sharing...no expectations. I wish you the best.
Thank you both for respecting my wishes. It is too easy to make judgements and hand out advice. I have done it myself and depending on my mood at the moment either given good advice or extremely bad advice and when someone is confused, I think the worst thing to do is to give advice.

I do hope and pray for the best for both of you.

Dear,

I was raised a Catholic but I also have my doubts about the dogmas in that system. I prefer to listen and learn from the teachings of people like Jesus and Buddha.

I have learned that it is necessary to "put your head on block" for God. To get down, humbly, and give my worries to Him (or Her if you prefer:)). I have to stop thinking I can do a better job without His help (how stupid is that?).
It's about sacrificing my ego. "My" beliefs, "my" truths, "my" frustrations.

Am I making any sense?