i`ve been married almost 4 years , my wife had a affair back in aug,2003 and on july 10.2004 with the same guy. i was on the site that night talking with you people, when i actually fond out for sure she slept with i lost it i was crying so hard i went over to her mothers and told her becase i thought she was the only one who could help us, i was crying and vomoting at her place iwas just a mess,my wife is so mad at me because i went there because moms health is poor and she says i could of made her have a stroke, last night my wife went to her freinds house for coffee ,i talked to W on the cell phone she said her and denise were walking to the store and would be home a little later i phoned the cell about 2hours later and it was shut off so i called denises and got no answer, i got scared and thought sha was having another A so i drove around looking for her but she beet me home,now she says i`m obessed and i need phys. help because i`m not normal CRYING, SICK ,FOLLOWING her she says she dosen`t trust me or believe what i tell her ,becase i checked up on her and she told me our marriage is so far appart now because checked up on her and if it continues she will leave, do you poeple think i`m not normal and need help ???????

please can anybody help i`m desperate and want my marrige to work

ok, so she is going to leave you unless you give her trust that she doesn't deserve?

Did you tell her that trust has to be earned? It takes a long long time to rebuild trust after an affair. What is she doing to rebuild the trust she destroyed in her marriage?

she says she`llhave NC withOM do you think i`m normal for crying and being sick or is it obession???

I am not in a place to give advice to you, but I wanted to leave you a *hug* and just give you a few thoughts.

Don't let your wife tell you how you're feeling. Are you obsessed? You might be--I know that I was at first and I think that's pretty normal. But how would *she* know? When she has lied to you and when she had an affair, she might as well as just upright told you, "You can't trust me." It is not as if your mistrust popped out of thin air. Also, I don't want to justify her behavoir, but it seems like that's pretty normal behavoir for a WS too--turning around the "trust table" and getting angry that you exposed an A that SHE chose to have. That's just for your ears, okay? If you try to tell her these things you're only going to push her away.

Despite your reactions being pretty normal (in my eyes), you indeed might want to talk to a counselor or to your family physician. You might want to consider anti-depressant meds. Not because you're not normal, but because it will help you to get into a state of mind where you can deal with this situation more effectively and you can deal with it with your head, not just your heart.

I know for me that I've decided against anti-depressants for now because I AM getting better and better each day--but boy, I wish I had looked into them when all of this first started. Things might be different for me today if I had.

P.S. you are very normal. Your W has been untrustworthy and you would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person.

She doesn't like it, but the way to make it stop is to start doing things to ESTABLISH trust, not to threaten you with divorce in order shut you up.

She is sure not helping her marriage by doing that. Doesn't sound like she wants to be married very bad!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting&scared:
<strong> she says she`llhave NC withOM do you think i`m normal for crying and being sick or is it obession??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has she been in contact with the OM all this time?

than you for replys i crying so hard riht now i can hardlly see but i have to go to work now please can any body leave replys on how i can fix this mess without pushing her out the door, please help!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting&scared:
<strong> she says she`llhave NC withOM do you think i`m normal for crying and being sick or is it obession??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you are obsessed, your W is actively wrecking your life. How are you supposed to act?? That is how most normal people act when someone is actively destroying them behind their back.

H&S,

I just wanted to reassure you that your feelings and the physical symptoms are common for someone in your situation. I'm new to this, so I always hesitate to give advice, but I think you should be in Plan A - read up on it - there is info all over this website. In short, you want to try to meet your spouse's needs - figure out what your spouse was missing that may have led them to have an A, and meet those needs as much as you can without appearing desperate or controlling. Try to stay calm, confident and loving at all times. If it helps, think of yourself as try to court your spouse again like you did when you first met. Win her over - but slow and steady.

Most importantly, read the Quick Start guidelines in the "just found out" section of this board - read everything you can here starting w/ the basic concepts.

I feel so unqualified to give you advice, but I just wanted to reach out and tell you that your reactions are normal - this is a devastating discovery, but you need to focus on solving the problem.

God Bless

Like cutnothot, I am NOT QUALIFIED to give you much advise. Except to say that you are at the right place. There are people here who can help you.

But any BS here is qualified to tell you that what you feel is 100% NORMAL. I reacted the same way as you to my WW EA.

Keep posting and get started at fixing your marriage. Never give up!

I acted the same way. IC may help. Anti-d's may help. You are reacting to a very painful experience. If you didn't react, you'd wouldn't be normal. You need to find a way to work thru the pain. God, it's an awful roller coaster ride your on. But others have made it thru it. My ride is getting better. If something triggers me, I've gone back down, but I can get back up quicker.

One of the things my WS did was try to make like it was all my fault, I was over-reacting, I was crazy, yada yada yada. It is a way for them not to take responsiblity for their acts. Totally not a fair move.

well she said by e driving around last nightand looking for her was unjustifyable and wrong so tonight she just left for girls night out and said if i come looking for her she will leave and my crying and getting sick is only pushing her farther away, next thursday she is booked for a full hysterectomy and while she recovers she will decide if we progress enoughshe will stay or leave ,,does any body have some advice on this picture PLEASE HELP

PLEASE ANYONE ON LINE WITH SOME IDEAS

PLEASE ANYONE ON LINE WITH SOME IDEAS

Sorry to hear about your situation..

I have been there and then some. You need to realize like I have that u cant force anything. To her she has power over u, especially seeing you upset and hurt. She threatens u with leaving u if u follow her and look for her... That means she doesnt want u to know what she is doing. Regardless if u follow her or not, she is going to do what she wants to do. It pretty much only makes u feel worse, but really it is out of your hands. I know how u feel, and either way it is going to get better. Hopefully she comes to her senses and u2 can work it out.

I have made myself crazy and obsessed, u can control it. She is being selfish and not very good to u. Let her be and when she comes back to u, u decide if she is worth it. Dont let her tell u she will decide if it will work. U need to decide when she comes back if it will work considering how she has acted.

I have been thru alot of crap with my W, and I still am going thru it. We r trying now, but it is going to take a tremendous amount of work from both of us, especially her. I dont even know if I should be trying to make it work, but my heart tells me I should.

Good luck to u, I hope it works out... TRY to do anything u can to relax..

I have read your post and if i may give you my own experiences. i am the WS (WP i have told i should be using Partner not spouse).
Dday was Jan 2004 where i disclosed all that i had done throughout the 5 years of our on/off relationship. i was a person who avoided confrontation, and majority of my relationships with people were superifical. only very recent, did i understand, piece together my behaviours and patterns that stem from childhood (please don't think i am making any excuses) however going right back for me, helped me remove the blaming, resentment and to understand where my loss of self worth started.
i accepted my partner has no trust for me, i broke that. i struggled with not being able to find a starting point for him to trust me again. i changed my phone numbers and only gave out my mobile to family. i sold my house and every piece of furniture and when i leave in 2 weeks all i have left is my cloths & 2 boxes of treasure of my children. i gave up my job. he had access to my email address and this site. he knew all my financial business. i gave him every phone account for the last 5 years to piece together. i changed my imagine. i changed how would be deal with things (eg; we would have an argument and either of us would make a move for a couple of days). throughout the day i would send messages and emails and/or call. i would tell him what my plans for the day were. anything that represented my past is gone. my social life consists of going over to see my neighbour.
Yet, i still couldn't give me anything that he felt was reassurance that deserved a little trust.
he become so obsessed with looking for something that i am doing wrong that he failed to see what i was doing.
i became so frustrated, if something triggered him i would try to think how to do it differently because that way didn't help either.
in the early days of the Dday, i did walk out of his house in the middle of arguments. unfortunately he saw this as me running away, for me it was my way of dealing and hidding. my partner is in a particular field of work where interrogation with exact times and dates are expected and if it doesn't sound reasonable etc, the interrogation would continue into early hours of the morning. remembering my Dd was over a 5 year period. the point i am making with this, is was trying to remember and trying to give dates, times, explainations which became so overwhelming. i would reply with insensitive statements because for me, why did he have to know what i was doing whilst he wasn't even in my life (and i'm not just saying he wanted to know a brief, i had to be specific). however, it was my responsibility and i had to stay with this.
recently i had called him upon leaving an appointment, in his eyes i should have been home in 30mins, so he called and i was about 2 mins away and because i still wasn't he called my mobile and accused me of being with someone. i explained that i was 2 mins away and he hung up. when i got i called and asked why did you hang up, he said you did you lying .... i asked why he was upset. he said because you have been off having coffee with the person from the appointment. i did get pissed off and said i was only 2 mins short of the time you thought i should been home. i explained again but he said it's your smart mouth that makes me think you just don't want to try. that is an example of how things seem to be uncaring for the BS however in my eyes, i thought i was doing enough with that situation. that certainly doesn't mean 'i don't want to try, just means i had to change how i responded'. there is an absolute justification for BS to reponse however please be assured that as the WS we sometimes don't recognise what maybe triggers you and/or don't see how that could be a trigger. i never got the feeling that my partner felt i was doing what he needed. he said he is not going to tell me when i have done something that makes feel good, but he'll only tell me when i doing something that doesn't make him feel good.
i probably haven't helped at all. For my however, i just want people to know that the BS struggles with pain as well and pain makes people react in many different ways. my relationship with my partner has ended because of the physical abuse that he started to use on me. i had been punished mentally, physically and emotionally for my wayward behaviour. my partner would never commit to me and he certainly had no plans now that Dd came around. he lived the single life but with someone on call. even in the times we weren't together, he classes any relationship as an A, so that is why my story is so broad,big and horrible. i hope for you, that you can see something small every now and again that your partner is doing. Remember, Rome wasn
't built in a day. God Bless

My wife too has accused me of being 'obsessed'.

You need to peer into her 'Fog' and try to understand why she feels that way.

People act the way they do for reasons. Not always good reasons, or logical reasons, but they are still reasons nonetheless. If your reactions are driving her away, and saving your marriage is paramount, then that is one of the things you need to focus on. I can't offer specific advice, because I don't know enough about your situation.

Look for ways to understand and handle this in a more pro-active manner. The physical symptoms you talk about are serious and you should consider talking to a doctor about them. As for the trust issue, that's another matter.

For me, I choose to trust my wife even though she's given me reason not to. I don't know that I can trust her but I can choose to. It makes my life so much easier. I know that no matter what, the truth always comes out, so I just quietly keep my eyes open and try not to let myself get overrun my emotions.

dewt

H&S, you're in a horrible, horrible place. I'm so sorry. It is perfectly normal. It sounds exactly like what I experienced a few months ago.

You are desperate and clingy right now. You must stop that and pull yourself together as best you can. You must go on ADs. Yesterday. You don't want the lows you've got waiting for you, trust me. I've been exactly where you are. You need your family and friends. Don't avoid telling them what's up because you want to protect your W. Let them carry you a bit. If you're religious, ask your Higher Power to carry you.

Your wife calling you "obsessed" is typical fog talk. You're her husband and she has betrayed your trust. The WS always resents her BS's mistrust and protesteth far too much about it. But the reality is, you cannot stop her from cheating by being the way you are. You're a miserable mess, and are so unattractive to your W it's not even funny.

Get it together, do what you have to do to get out of the "red alert" you've been under for the last few weeks, and get yourself functioning at the most basic level, as fast as you can. Drink lots of water. How's your appetite? Are you sleeping?

GC

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:48 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>