You know, now that I'm starting to get past the anger and resentment and all the recovery stuff, now I'm dealing with something I didn't think I'd have such a hard time with. I was fighting so hard to keep the M going and to help my W get over withdrawal and all the fog and crazy talk, late nights, etc... All I thought was, "I have to keep my M & family together, I just want my wife." Well, now that I really feel that she's going to stick it out and work along with me, and she's doing a great, job by the way, I still am struggling with trust. I know that has to be normal, but I just didn't think it would be such a big deal. Again, I'm the Klingon, emotions have no creedance in my world.

She'll check her email... I'll wonder.
She runs to the convenience store.... I'll wonder
She's on the cell phone.... I'll wonder
She's bought a different kind of snack food... I'll wonder
But, she's lied to me sooo much over the past few months, and even before the blatant lies, she kept me in the dark over so many things. Anything that looks new, different, anything that looks like what went on during the A... late nights on the computer, sneaky behavior, anything secretive or hidden.... and I just freak out inside. Sometimes it makes it from the inside to the outside. Not like it used to, but still it does show. Then, she fusses at me for not trusting her. And I think, "WHAT, HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU BEGIN TO FUSS AT ME OVER TRUST?" Then comes the, "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO TRUST ME, I JUST DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS GOING TO WORK." I have said to her in the past that I cannot have a bad day. What I mean by that is, if I freak out over something legitimate or not, I'm the bad guy. If I have a bad day, it may drive her away... If I have a bad day bad things happen, therefore, I cannot have a bad day, even though inside I hurt so bad sometimes I can't even describe it. It has gotten some better over time, but I'm so tired of it.

She has said to me before, "you don't want to trust me." NOTHING COULD BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!!!
My God, that's all I do want. I want to go back to the days when I trusted her completely. I never once questioned her about anything like this, because there was no way it could happen. It has to get better as time goes on, because it's already gotten better over the last few months, but I'm so ready to be past this junk.

Out!

I completly agree today i'm having a hard time iwht this. i am going out of my mind. i have had a hard time with this for the past month or so i have an active imagination and my H is wokring in the same facillitites with this ow. the thing is it comes and goes. for awhile i belived in what he was saying etc. but then he started to be distant tuesday and i'm worried again. i'm sitting here thinking up wild scenarios as i type this

ex: my h leaves his cell in the car off everyday, cant bring it in work.. last fri he left it on this fri he left it on. (rarely happens) i wonder if hes planning on going out to lunch with teh ow or something b/c if he had it tunred off and i called then it was turned on i would notice but if he left it on all day i wont notice. and if he leaves he'll need his cell phone so work can reach him... crazy huh? it could be true it couldnt be true.. how can i trust.

i'm the same way my h checks his email.. im worried
he isnt at his desk when i call.. i'm worried
i run an errand and i leave him by himself.. im worried. it just doesnt stop. i cant stand this feeling. it hurts. and i dont know what to do i'm on the brink of calling OW to see if there is still contact but i dont know if i should or not ahhhh i' so stressd right now. but maybe it'll get better. i hopefor the both of us!