Why is it that every time a troll appears, they ask the same question?

“Why would anyone stay with a cheating spouse?”

And then they tend to list off a bunch of mindless stereotypical judgments that apparently make them feel better about their place in the world. “Because you’re a doormat” “Because you’re in denial” Because you have no self esteem” “Because you think you can’t get anyone else” “Because you’re too religious to divorce” yada yada yada ad nauseum.

Mmm hmmm. Perhaps a better question is, why would a person with better things to do come to a discussion board to kick mud in the faces of people while they’re down? Why do you need to believe that only pathetic, weak people would try to recover after being cheated on? What are you afraid of? But let’s not go there.

Instead, let us address the question at hand.

I can’t tell you why “a person” would stay. Some of the stereotypical reasons apply to some, sure. I can only say why I stayed. Why I continue to stay. All I can speak to is my own experiences.

In the beginning, I stayed for a lot of reasons. I saw an opportunity for us to ditch all the crap that had been building up in our relationship for years, and start over. I didn’t want to make a life-altering decision that would affect my child while my emotions were so powerful. I wanted time to get secure in my own judgment again before making a decision. And that bought my H time to demonstrate that even when using clear judgment, staying was the right choice.

What we did with that time was another reason. I got counseling. I looked at my reasons for remaining in an unhealthy marriage. I looked at my own coping skills and relationship skills, and got practice using better ones that I’d need either with H or with my next partner. I became a stronger, healthier person. But the real picture becomes clear not in looking at me, but in looking at my FWH.

Why would someone want to stay with a cheater? Why would I want to stay with a person who sobbed like an infant when he confessed what he’d done? Why would I want to stay with someone who had the balls to formally apologize not only to me, but to the OW’s H as well? Why would I want to stay with someone who got up in front of all the people he respected most in church, admit his failings, and ask everyone there to pray for ME, and to hold him accountable? Why would I want to stay with someone who quit his job rather than see me suffer wondering if he saw or talked to the OW every day? Why would I stay with someone who sought out the best Christian MC in the area and insisted on weekly appointments, because he didn’t think monthly appointments were enough?

Why would I stay with someone who swallowed their pride and answered every humiliating question about every humiliating detail of the thing they were most ashamed of because the counselor said it would help me heal? Why would I stay with someone who spent night after sleepless night comforting me as I cried? Why would I stay with someone who emailed me daily to tell me he was thinking of me and loved me? Why would I stay with someone who patiently let me scream with anger at him when I needed to? Why would I stay with someone who I enjoyed playing with, singing with, going out with and having fun with? Why would I stay with someone who spent evening after evening building a stronger relationship with their son? Why would I stay with someone who ended all their friendships that weren’t supportive of the marriage, and made an effort to make new couple friends so I would have a support system besides just him?

Why would I stay with someone who had to physically restrain me while I was screaming curses and attempting to run out of the house seeking a ONS? Why would I stay with someone who patiently held me and talked me back from flashbacks during PTSD episodes? Why would I stay with someone who finally learned to stand up to his parents after 30 years, and refuse to be belittled and put down? Why would I stay with someone who got over his embarrassment and started a men’s accountability group at church to help each other deal with porn addiction? Why would I stay with someone who committed to learn and grow as a Christian, and actually followed through and did it?

Why would I stay with someone who started dealing with stressful situations by turning towards me, supporting me and asking for my support, instead of running away or escaping into movies and games?

Why would I stay with someone who was my firm support for grieving my mother’s death? Who tells me I’m beautiful and amazing on a daily basis? Who has learned that love is an action, not just a feeling, and learned how to put it into action with me? Who states time and again that he doesn’t need “privacy”—he needs to know I have peace of mind? Who gets up in the middle of the night to give a bottle to our infant daughter? Who has become the spiritual leader of our family? Who dances with me in the kitchen? Who grabbed me by the arms the other day when I was stressed and freaking out and gently said “Honey, it’s okay. You have help. I’m here to help. I want to help. You don’t have to take care of everything yourself.” Who tells me every, in the midst of dishes and cars breaking down and trips to the drive in movie, how happy he is to be right where he is, with me?

Who’s become the best friend I could ask for right when I needed a friend most?

Yup. I must be nuts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your husband sounds like a great man to right his wrong like that. That is comendible.

If you're nuts, then I get to be crackers!

- Kimmy

PS - We can always give my fav. response to the trolls:

I think that people who haven't walked through 10,000 miles of burnt gorilla [censored] and lived shouldn't comment on the stink. Once they've btdt, they can give her input and I may take it into consideration. Then again, I may not. But it's MY choice, don't you think?

How do you type standing and applauding? I guess just "I am standing and applauding."

VERY well said KAT - absolutely a great testimony.

Isn't it funny how we look at our children and are willing to forgive any sin or transgression because they "didn't know any better." And then we teach them right from wrong in the situation, they learn and grow, and are better children because of it.

But then when our spouse falters, oh no! Throw them out, the rat! Did THEY know any better? Did WE? I mean, the actual physical ACT is obvious and a choice, but the entanglement that led up to it is VERY complex. I am not talking the A itself, I am talking did they know any better about how to be a SPOUSE? How to guard their hearts, even when we may have been treating them wrong?

I don't remember any college classes on it, or lectures from my parents, and I wasn't attending church at the time. My lessons on how to be a spouse boiled down to drunk relatives and in-laws passing me "advice" at my wedding reception. And what I saw my own parents do (they are D).

You just cannot answer a complex problem with a fell swoop answer.

God won't deny a contrite heart and a broken spirit. Why whould we?

NCW

Kat,

Elegant, articulate and thoughtful, as usual! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If I may add something...

As trite as the the words "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" may seem to some...those words are the foundation of a life long commitment. I recognize that not everyone respects the depth of this commitment, that there are those who consider a M disposable. Only some feel that way, others, including myself, respect and honour that commitment. We recognize that the above mentioned vows aren't to be taken lightly. They were meant to solidify a promise of life long commitment through good and bad times.

My H and I have worked very hard to recover. Time has given me perspective. My H's A was a catastrophic choice, on his part. It also forced me to evaluate my vows, my promise and my commitment. I "signed on" for a life of better or worse/ sickness and health. I knew going into the M that our life together wouldn't always be wonderful. Ironically, I don't run away from the bad times anymore, I embrace them, overcome them for they make the good times so much sweeter!

Thanks, guys. What I'd really like to see is more people posting encouraging answers to the question of "Why I stay." For one thing, it encourages newbies. For another, when trolls show up, instead of wearing ourselves out posting replies, we could all just reply with a link to this thread, or other "Success Story" threads.

Nothing burns a troll's butt like firsthand accounts of people being happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I believe a big part of "Why stay" is because we promised to. An affair is one of the bad times in "...in good times and in bad." Just because adultery seems to be universally accepted as justification for ending a marriage doesn't mean it has to be ended.

As for answering OP's question, "Why stay with a cheater?", I usually respond with a similar question: "Why take up with a cheater?"

Good topic, kat.

...for better or worste...that's why. We made promises, and I could not walk unless I was certain that no love remained on either side...and that was never the case.

To the ow, marriage is like a garden. When you don't look after your marriage like you should, weeds grew up and the lovely garden was a mess. some of the weeds were from neglect, others we planted instead of mowing the grass or pruning the roses. We didn't realize we were doing this, but we did.

You came along and seemed to offer a new fresh garden. It looked like the garden of Eden compared to the one the WS was playing in. Since neither you or the WS were the caretakers, and only came to the play in the garden on a part time basis, it looked perfect and wonderful and no work! It was fun time everytime you snuck off for a few hours. Then WS would go back and see all the weeds. It's all the BS's fault about the weeds. if it wasn't for the BS, there would be no weeds like this.

But the thing is, your garden isn't real. It like all the lovely stuff at Disneyworld. There are people in the background doing all of the gardening. And in the affair, the unseen gardeners end up being the BS's and the family members. And this is slave labor. We didn't volunteer to do your garden. If you and he had your own real garden, then you two would have to do the real work. And since you weren't prepared to do the work, it would fall into disrepair quicker than the marriage did.

Why stay? Because the garden was once very beautiful. I can't let it go until I've tried everything. I've had the whole garden, the real garden. You only have a make beleive garden. I've beeen in the garden during the hail storms, the droughts, the rainbows, the losses of plants, and the joy of planting new plants. You never will.

he not only broke my heart, he shattered my soul. It has been almost a year. I still hurt sometimes, but not as much as I did a year ago. he stayed. He is hurt that I do not trust him like a once did, but he knows why he doesn't have all of the trust back. There is still a bare spot in the garden, but we are both tending to it.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>

My response to this question is because I honor my vows and committments. If M was easy and there were never any hard times, the vows wouldn't say for better or worse. They would just say for better. It's about honoring your committments in life. Unfortunately, it seems fewer and fewer people these days feel this way. That is just a sad commentary on the world today.

Great thread,,,

I too have received the occasional response,, "how could you stay with her after what she has done to you?"
I responded to a friend who asked this of me.

"are you me? Do you look upon my wife as I do?
Do you feel any of my emotions? Have you seen my wifes hurt over this? Have you seen my wifes dedication to me since her mistake.
I hear OP say "I give you 2-3 yrs and you will be through" I respond by saying " I hold on to the things that last" "this marriage will last" If our marriage was so so weak then why do we both hurt? Why do we both feel miserable? Why do we still find ourselves lost in ourselves,, in each others eyes, hearts, and minds. To me this marriage is not a mistake, Ill never regret the day I said I do, because the fact is I STILL DO!

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>

WAT:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for answering OP's question, "Why stay with a cheater?", I usually respond with a similar question: "Why take up with a cheater?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You took the words right out of my mouth. Our S's weren't "cheaters" when we fell in love with them. We have known the "real" person, whereas the OP has only known the WS as "the cheater". And yet they still try to form a relationship with them.

Oh, and to answer why I stayed--

Because I knew we could make it to where we are now. Happy, healthy, in love, and more dedicated to each other than ever.

The better question is..."Why would you want a relationship with someone who is married?"..."Why would you want a relationship that has to be a secret?"...Why would you want a relationship where you can't be seen in public?...Why would you want a relationship where a quickie in a cheap motel room is about as meaningful as it gets? Oh he'll tell you how special you are but when discovery of the affair occurs, watch him run home, begging for forgiveness!"..."Why would you want to be in a relationship where you are treated as much less than respectable? Do you think he REALLY respects you?"..."Why would you believe anything a man said when you just heard him lie to his wife?"..."What makes you think you're so special that he won't do it to you too?"..."Why do you want to be in a relationship where he more than likely won't leave his wife for you? You know that a man rarely leaves his wife for someone who is a cheat. Oh he may eventually leave her but certainly not for someone like you."...

Amazing isn't it...

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: jph ]</small>

First of all, Kat, your post made me cry. And that doesn't happen very often - when I'm not watching Lifetime! That was awesome. Why, indeed.

Why did I stay with a cheater? Well, first of all, my H cheated, he is not a cheater. I abhore the behavior he displayed during this very low point in his life, but I also recognized how out of character his behavior was.

I can't remember where, but I read in a book about kids playing in a sandbox, and somebody takes somebody's truck, and feelings are hurt and tears are cried, and everyone goes home. Next day, all those little kids get back into that sandbox, and are friends again. The episode of the day before is - if not forgotten - not important to the current day of playing.

And this book talked about why we can't do that as adults. Well, we can - obviously - but it is harder for us, with the Taker and the Ego.

And, the other reason I stayed, is because if I had been the one to stray, I would hope that my H would not be too quick to let our lives together go by getting a D. We have kids, memories, love, commitments, promises, secret inside jokes. We are best friends, best lovers, partners, and we both know we are better people when we are together than when we are apart.

I wish I was more articulate and could express the fullness in my heart for my H better. But you all get the gist.

SS

"Why would anyone stay with a cheating spouse?"

Well, I didn't! I stayed with a formerly cheating spouse! If he had remained a cheater, he's be my X-cheating spouse.

Cuz.... he's too cute and sexy to share! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

As most of you know. My WW had several A's before we were married. Including a short one with my best friend. It always came out of the blue, and then ended 6-8 months later. It all hurt me very deeply and affected my ability to trust her. She also did some other fairly unpleasant stuff too, but I'm not going to mention it on here. As I got older I just cracked it up to be youth and immaturity.

To get back to the question of "Why stay with a cheater."

WW asked me this question just a few days ago. She said with everything that happened before we were married, the affairs, the lying, the cheating ... why did I marry her.

Because even after all of that I loved her. In spite of all that pain, and humiliation, I loved HER.

THat is why I got married to her.

As far as staying with a cheater. I can't stay with a cheater. I thought those days were over. But now she is smug and proud of her infidelities. Proud!

I want her to return to the sweetheart she can be. I want to be a better husband and father for the whole family. I believe she can return to her old self, but I can't make her. I can only change myself. I'm embarrassed at some of the behaivor I've exhibited, both intentional and unitentional.

I encourage her to seek her future with OM.

Kat that was an incredible story. Just a fantasy for me. But who knows what the tide will bring.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Kat:

Boy, I'm jealous 2!

I was starting 2 feel down again after reading what a great job you and your H have done, but then I read what WAT said, and it's true: I stay because I promised I would.

Even though she broke her promise 2 me and has yet 2 apologize for doing so, I stay because I believe that the person that made the promise 28 years ago is still in there.

Maybe I'll see her again someday.

-ol' 2long

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

And lets don't forgot about love. I chose to give my heart to a man before I knew he was a "cheater". And this love I chose to give is honorable, all encompassing, all forgiving and a lighthouse when he can't find his way home.

It has taken me a long time and much pain to finally understand why I stayed, and that I never really had a choice because my heart belonged to him. And with this love, my shoulders are strong and my motives are pure.

If I choose to take this love away because he faltered, because he chose to lie and deceive, then what would that say about my love.

Then I would have to say that love does not exist, love is a lie and that would be the greatest tragedy and self deception of all.