Hi everyone,

Well, my H is moving out at my request. He asked me if it was okay to do it in a couple of weeks. I said okay, but my friends and family say he shouldn't do it on his convenience, but should do it right now.

We've gone over all the finances and he has agreed to continue to pay the majority of the bills. He makes far more money than I do on a teacher's salary.

I told him I am going to open my own account where my paychecks will go direct deposit, but we will keep the joint account for now and I will continue to pay the bills from that.

I know that I should go dark once he moves out, but how do you do that when our son is so involved in sports? I cannot stand the thought of not being there for my son. His dad is one of the coaches. I refuse to lose any part of my son's life because of his father. Do I just go and not speak to him? I'm really going to need help with this.

The good news is that I feel so strong right now.

The bad news is that we pick up our son from camp tomorrow and have to tell him that his dad is moving out. The big problem with that is that over the last 5 months or so, my S has been seeing his parents getting along wonderfully. He thinks that things are better between us.

My H and I have definitely been getting along well, but he has such strong feelings of love for the OW and hasn't cut her off completely, that he hasn't been able to see that we could make it work.

I know that he will have to discover this on his own. It will take losing me and losing the daily life with his son to make him realize what he is giving up.

I have so many questions about what I do in the meantime while he is figuring his life out. I'm already taking care of me. I run every day, eat right, and have become very close to God. How long do I give him to decide what he wants? While I will not actively seek out dating, what if someone comes along? Do I go out? A part of me doesn't even want to run the risk of bringing someone else into my life for the plain and simple reason of not wanting to hurt THEM. Because I know, that if my H decides to come back, I will choose him and inevitable hurt the other person.

All these things run through my mind. I know I just need to take it one day at a time.

One more question, has anyone's spouse ever left them for their supposed "soul mate" and then discovered it wasn't so and come home???

Good question? My wife is moving out to be with her soulmate. Do they ever come back?

Well, my H is moving out at my request.
Are you going to Plan B? Have you written a letter an dhad it reviewed here by anyone?

We've gone over all the finances and he has agreed to continue to pay the majority of the bills.
Did you both sign a simple agreement stating this?

I know that I should go dark once he moves out,
ONLY if you are going to Plan B and ONLY if you give him Plan B letter.

Yes, you can still do everything with your son. You do not need to speak with your h. You can be cordial around him. You don’t need to approach him when you see him.

It will take losing me and losing the daily life with his son to make him realize what he is giving up.
Yeah, sadly sometimes that is what has to happen.

I have so many questions about what I do in the meantime while he is figuring his life out.
You work, clean the house, take care of the yard, take care of your son, etc. It is called life. Now go live it.

How long do I give him to decide what he wants?
Harley says to set a goal of two years for Plan B. Don’t tell your h this time frame. You can adjust it as you see fit later.

While I will not actively seek out dating, what if someone comes along?
You will do what you have to, to make sure that you do not get into situations where “someone will come along.”

One more question, has anyone's spouse ever left them for their supposed "soul mate" and then discovered it wasn't so and come home???
Not mine, but it happens almost always that the op is not their “soul mate” and they look back to see the path of destruction they have left in their wake.

Hopeful, "hopefully" someone will answer that question!


Thanks for your reply Chris.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you going to Plan B? Have you written a letter an dhad it reviewed here by anyone?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I need to because I've planned A my A** off for the last 1 year (although the last 5 mo. were the best plan A). And yes, I wrote a plan B letter a long time ago and it has been read and approved by many of the old timers!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We've gone over all the finances and he has agreed to continue to pay the majority of the bills.
Did you both sign a simple agreement stating this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing signed, but I'll be in charge of paying them and will have access to the joint account to do so. My paychecks will no longer be going into this account and he will not have access to my account.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long do I give him to decide what he wants?
Harley says to set a goal of two years for Plan B. Don’t tell your h this time frame. You can adjust it as you see fit later.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can tell you right now, that I will not give it two years. I've been in limboland for 1 year already and I'm tired of it. I've given him all of me, my very best, and it isn't enough. I have a feeling it will never be. I'm not prepared to throw 2 years of my life away waiting for him to make a freaking decision. Sadly, I'm reaching the point where I am becoming "done".

These are just a few things to consider.

Nothing signed, but I'll be in charge of paying them and will have access to the joint account to do so.
And when he decides he's "getting shafted" and stops putting money into this account?

can tell you right now, that I will not give it two years.
Then how long would you suggest? Rather than just jumping into this with no plan of how long, you should set a goal to help you to focus on what you want to achieve.
And again, don't let your h know what this timeframe is. you an change it whenever you want.

I'm not prepared to throw 2 years of my life away waiting for him to make a freaking decision
Why would you throw away two years of your life?
Do you plan on just sitting on the couch and doing absolutely nothing the whole time?
What's the rush?

When you go to Plan B you do NOT HAVE to reconcile.
But it would be nice to have the option (if it indeed does appear)
The two years is recommended for a few reasons.
It gives YOU time to heal. Many studies have shown this is a good timeframe to "just get over it".

It gives the ws time to wake up.

Divorce when you do not want to be married to him anymore.
Don't do it as a reaction to something he did or didn't do. Not because you say, "He's never coming back" or "I'll teach him a lesson and take him to the cleaners."
One day you will wake up and say, "I'm not concerned if he returns or not."

Yes, mine did come back from a 'soulmate' A, after moving in with OW. I've told you my story before, so I won't bore you with it again.

I don't understand why your H would leave you, having justified his A by never having gotten over yours. Only to get involved with an OW who is doing the same thing to her H...and he is fine with it. Has he ever seen all the hypocrIsy of his A: That he was so much better than you because you had an A and he 'hadn't'. That he has chosen a married woman to have an A with, and that she has done the same to her H. I imagine the normal fog applies that she was in a bad marriage...etc. Amazing, really. Was this his revenge A?...he probably doesn't see it that way as this is 'true love' for him...

I am glad you are stronger now.

I hope it goes okay for your son.

I think you should look your greatest when you go to the games. Hold your head up, be friendly and out going. Appear to be moving on without him. Use some of the 180 ideas. I did do a bit of attempting to make him jealous by letting him know other men were interested in me...but that can back fire...I'd say try to keep yourself from dating, I know it can be difficult and very lonely. Try to keep active and involved in life.

Hopefully, his bubble will burst.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And when he decides he's "getting shafted" and stops putting money into this account?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris, I know he would never do anything financially that would harm his son or his son's way of life. We've gone over it all, he has agreed willingly, and even said he would take one of the bills I put on my list. I just don't seem him as that kind of person...but I guess there is always that chance. Unfortunately, in my state there is no legal separation and I can't enforce anything unless I serve him with divorce papers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you throw away two years of your life?
Do you plan on just sitting on the couch and doing absolutely nothing the whole time?
What's the rush?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I say throwing away two years of my life, I don't mean I would be idle. I've already got my life in order. I'm talking about being in a loving relationship with someone. I'm 38 years old and if I meet someone who doesn't have any kids, I would want that to be something that I could still offer someone. I love my husband dearly, but the plain truth is that he admits he doesn't have anything left for me. I can't force him to feel something for me. What makes me think that this will change if it hasn't at all in a year of my meeting his every need and desire? I'm just trying to accept this fact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, mine did come back from a 'soulmate' A, after moving in with OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trix, how hard is that? I mean, to accept him back after he's been with her and only comes back when it didn't turn out to be what he thought? Didn't you feel like you were 2nd best?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't understand why your H would leave you, having justified his A by never having gotten over yours. Only to get involved with an OW who is doing the same thing to her H...and he is fine with it. Has he ever seen all the hypocrasy of his A: That he was so much better than you because you had an A and he 'hadn't'. That he has chosen a married woman to have an A with, and that she has done the same to her H. I imagine the normal fog applies that she was in a bad marriage...etc. Amazing, really. Was this his revenge A?...he probably doesn't see it that way as this is 'true love' for him...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trix, I truly think he is just blind to it all. He doesn't see the hypocrisy. I don't think his was a revenge A...but maybe subconsciously it was. He still instists that his A wasn't truly an A and that it isn't about her, its about us and our poor relationship. Its becoming quite funny to me actually, that he is unable to understand just how much his EA has colored his thinking about our M. He doesn't understand that his inability to have NC with OW, has prevented him from seeing and believing that we could actually make our M work and be happy. He is deep in fog.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you should look your greatest when you go to the games. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trix, I've gone from a size 12 to a size 4. I run every day and have never looked better in my life (except for a few gray hairs!) Not to brag, but men are constantly checking me out or saying how great I look. The only one who isn't finding me irrisitable is my H. Oh, he is definitely attracted, but my physical attractiveness isn't enough to make him stay! It funny because OW is older than me, quite a few wrinkles, flat chested....not to be mean, but its definitely not her looks he's attracted to. Its her "soul" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He'll find out one day, that she's not all he thinks she is. Sad part is, when he discovers that, I may have moved on. I just hope and pray that he realizes it before its too late.

You say, "I know he would never do anything financially that would harm his son or his son's way of life".
Didn't you think the same thing about him emotionally harming your son as he is doing now?

I just don't seem him as that kind of person...but I guess there is always that chance.
Did you ever think he would have an affair and leaving you & your son?

Unfortunately, in my state there is no legal separation and I can't enforce anything unless I serve him with divorce papers
Sure you can. A signed agreement will work wonders in court.

Thanks Chris, I will definitely get him to sign what we have agreed upon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trix, how hard is that? I mean, to accept him back after he's been with her and only comes back when it didn't turn out to be what he thought? Didn't you feel like you were 2nd best?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't feel like I was 2nd best because I believe the reason he chose to end it and come back is because reality set in. He was living in her house with her kids (not his.) He had lost his kids respect, well at least 2 of the 3. (Our middle son was friends with OW's son and tried to not let it bother him. He also saw that OW was rich and he stood to gain something there.) She had tried to buy my kids as well as my H. It worked for a while.

He didn't feel comfortable or at home in her house full time. It wasn't as much fun as their illicit A was before her D. I believe she may have LB'd some but not sure. I just think the fog lifted.

I didn't let him move right home. He moved in with his business partner for a couple of months and went to IC and MC first. Before finally moving in with her there were a few false recoveries...as that A went on about 4 yrs. on and off....mostly on.

Had she dumped him I may have felt differently. She did circulate a bit of a rumor that she dumped him but I have chosen to believe him on this. His story was plausible. I think she was trying to save face, but I don't know. She was hurt. He still hasn't changed his story and he is on board with Radical Honesty...since the last A and going through the MB program.

I think you will know when you have 'waited' long enough. I would suggest that you should D before dating. If it goes that far then filing may have some effect on your H. Plan B.

Oh, and I know looks aren't everything. With my H is was mostly about the admiration and being put on a pedastal that had him hooked.

Her 'wealth' and generosity didn't hurt either, until he realized that he was kind of a kept man. I certainly didn't respect that aspect of his A.

A lot of people in our circle of travel ice hockey team parents were very impressed by her and her $$ and were complicit in their A because of it. Lots of hurtful stuff back then. (They even threw parties together when her H was out of town.) I saw a very ugly side of people.

We had to end all friendships with that group of people. Luckily, it was the end of the last season for the kids.

I have heard pschologists say it is best not to date until a year after a D.

There have been reconciliations after D's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, and I know looks aren't everything. With my H is was mostly about the admiration and being put on a pedastal that had him hooked. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trix, I think this is exactly what "hooked" my
H. Do you know that that OW actually had the gall to say to me, "You know, I hope you realize how truly special H is!" I almost puked! She is basing her knowledge of him on a total fantasy. She has never lived real life with him, of course he's perfect! I've known my H for 14 years, I think I have the knowledge of whether or not he is special! He is a wonderful person who has made and is making a HUGE mistake.

I want him to see what reality would be like with her. Let her true colors shine....