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#1165322 07/30/04 12:01 PM
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I was thinking about writing a letter the OW and letting her know how I feel. I was going to be very nice and all. I just don't know if I should do that or not. Any advice on this????

#1165323 07/30/04 12:08 PM
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I have called and emailed the OW many times. Each time she has ignored me or has put the blame on me. Made me into the stupid housewife who knows nothing. I realized each time I contacted her I let her know she was bothering me and she ended up pursuing my husband more. Almost like a game. She let me know that she didn't give a f*** about anything I had to say so let her alone. I wonder how my husband can care about someone like that. Makes me sick.

I would say don't give her the benefit of knowing she is getting to you. It really gets you nowhere and I ended up hurting more. Good luck.

#1165324 07/30/04 12:32 PM
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Thank you! After I read what you wrote it hit me that why should I write her and cause myself more pain????
Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her what a horrible person she is. It's so hard to control myself sometimes. I'm just glad I can come here and get good advice.
Thank you so much!!!!

#1165325 07/30/04 05:11 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">]I was thinking about writing a letter the OW and letting her know how I feel. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why?? Why would you put yourself through that? It's not like she really cares about you or how you feel. All she's gonna do is ignore you and/or tell your WH so that he'll be mad at you.

IMHO, all you'll be doing is giving them another reason to stick together. Remember right now they see you as the common enemy so you need to divide and conquer....leave her alone and concentrate on him.

Do whatever you need to do to let him see that you're the better person in all of this.

Again..JMHO...Good luck

#1165326 07/30/04 08:43 PM
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hi tree

I agree w/ Tommysgirl. I have every opportuniy to see the OW .... we all work at tghe same place (H and OW on N/S and me on D/S). I can just walk over to her desk during the day and see if there are pix of her and her H and kids. I could even see how close she maybe to my H all night long. I won't do it ... somehow right now I really don't want to know all that much about her. I don't reeally blame her or him for that matter ... I just know women (I am one).

I don't want to put myself in the position she already thinks I'm in " the jealous and inseure wife" (Hum, I wonder why I would be JEALOUS and INSECURE). Anyway, I've exercised my options to not give her anything that she hasn't already gotten from me or my H.

She is married also. I could call or e-mail her H. I won't (right now) b/c why hurt him, he hasn't done anything to me or her kids.

I've told my H he has to be careful though. It may not be "over" for her. She didn't want to be a "homewrecker" .... then why let yourself get emotionally involved with a married man. She not happy in her married .... but why exactly did my H have to know that? She wasn't trying and isn't trying to interfer ... I hope she doesn't. She still may thinks she has the upper hand and if she plays her cards right .... He gave her the home court advantage by closing me out and letting her in.

Maybe someday I'll see her ... it's bound to happen, where we all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> work .... I'll let that be in God's hands ... just like my M and my H.

I will not give her that. I still have my dignity.

#1165327 07/30/04 09:12 PM
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Thanks for the responses. I've decided that I am not going to write her. I agree...I am a better person and she already knows too much about me from my H. I'm trying to wipe her out of my mind. It's so hard!!!!

#1165328 07/30/04 09:43 PM
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tree go over to the party @ familymatters "thread" TGIF Rants have alittle fun and laugh and cry if you want to

#1165329 07/30/04 10:32 PM
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Tree,
I don't come out of lurkdom often but I wanted to post to your question.

I wrote the ow a letter. I wrote it on my computer, put it on a disk and worked on it off and on for 4 months. It started out as a tirade that would have made the most seasoned sailor blush. Over time I began to change the letter, add - delete. It became my (one-sided) conversation with this person who had set out to destroy my world. When it was finally the letter I wanted it to be. I printed two copies. I gave one to my husband and one to my therapist.

I never sent her the letter, for several reasons.
Not to be ugly here, but the truth hurts. She doesn't have the IQ to "get it."
I saw no reason to open up a dialogue with her, what if she wrote me back? I might have wanted to write her back, and so on...
She and my ws stole enough from me. I didn't want to hand her my dignity.

When I looked at why I would want to send the letter, to hurt her and to let her know I thought she was pond scum, I realized it wouldn't achieve those goals.

So, I say write it, work on it, and when your done give it to ws or to your dog. Write it for you.
J1

#1165330 07/31/04 11:28 PM
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Thank yo so much for you response. That is exactly what I will do. Maybe it will help me get out all of these feelings.

#1165331 08/01/04 08:37 PM
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You might find this helpful: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot, and many people advise that you avoid confronting the OP, because discussions between BS’s and OP’s tend to be unhelpful and painful for the BS. I do not suggest having much of a discussion. I DO suggest confronting the OP, and also informing the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

Whatever method you use to communicate, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

#1165332 08/01/04 09:03 PM
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There are pros and cons to this and John pointed out the pros.

I contacted the OW and found out that she thought my H was seperated from me! She dumped him THAT DAY and was very valuable in answering all of my questions. [not that she was pillar of virtue herself, she is married! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ]

Once Steve Harley counseled one of our members to confront the OM and ask him what his intentions were for his W. The purpose was for the OM to be able to see the face of his victim and therefore, humanize him.

On the other hand, OP's who KNOW they are dating a married person, often simply do not CARE that they are hurting the BS and will only view it as an opportunity to inflict more harm.

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

#1165333 08/01/04 09:07 PM
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Thanks John. I am torn between writing her OW a letter and not doing it. I just don't know if I can handle anything right now. I've started writing one to OW but I end up changing the wording over and over again. She isn't married. I wish I could send one to her parents so they would make her feel horrible about breaking up a family. My dilema right now is that my parents are so angry with my H and very hurt. I didn't tell them about the A. I just told them that he didn't want to be married anymore and that he moved out. I just don't want them to know everything because I know they could never forgive him. If we reconciled it would be awful at family functions. Am I right in doing this???

#1165334 08/01/04 09:24 PM
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I thought long and hard about writing the OM an email.When I finally did I was very respectful and asked him to do " the decent thing and let my wife and I work on our marriage". Just as ChrisCa predicted, why would I assume that a man that was in a sexual relationship with a married woman, understand the concept of decency. I have written him several emails, some nice, some not so nice , and have yet to hear from him directly. He always immediately emails or calls my WW who takes up his cause as an "innocent third party to our M problem".

I am not a violent man but I vow before God, we will come face to face in this lifetime. I will either get the minimal satisfaction of an apology or I will surely extract some maximal satisfaction in a not so delicate manner.

I have already requested a brochure from his cruise ship sent to my home were the WW lives. I am thinking of taking a cruise in the Spring for it's relaxation qualities.

#1165335 08/01/04 09:31 PM
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Ya know Cym...a cruise sounds like a great idea. My friend just asked me if I would like to go with her on a cruise. Maybe I should really consider it. It would be nice to just GET AWAY!!!!! I'm seriously thinking about writing the letter but then again she might call my H and I really don't want her to have a reason to contact him. I even thought of sneaking his phone away and sending her a text message as if it were from my H...saying that he doesn't want anything to do with her and he wants to work on his marriage. I guess when you're in the state of mind I'm in right now you think of all kinds of crazy stuff huh?
I was on AD before becasue of my Mother-in-law and becasue I was try desperatley to get pregnant and wasn't able to. H and I were trying for 5 years. That was another shocker...he decided that he didn't want anymore kids. Well now I know why...becasue he was having an A. I still have some left and am thinking of taking them again just so I can think clearly. They did help me before.


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