Hi all! Halleluja! Plan A does work. I could tell I was on the right track when WH said he felt guilty because I was being so nice etc. and he wasn't returning it. He thought he should move out (with OW) so he wouldn't hurt me anymore. Then he'd emerge from the fog for a bit and decide he really should cut it off with OW. This see-saw went on for several weeks. Finally, OW started panicking and she literally did herself in by love-busting. H started to see what everyone else was saying about her.

He told her he needed to not see her for a few days while he thought about everything. She saw the writing on the wall and started pressuring him. If there's one thing that won't work with him it's pushing him!!!! (I knew that.) Two days later he cut it off for good (hoepfully).

Right now, he's one week into withdrawal and doing well, I think. He's lost in space a lot of the time but I'm still there, supportive and loving as ever. He has fears because he still isn't feeling very loving toward me. I keep telling him this is perfectly normal at this stage and it'll get better in a few weeks.

After all I've been through, I don't want to blow it now. What do I do now? I know I need to start building those love deposits but I also know he really isn't ready to accept them in a big way yet. Do I keep going as in Plan A until he is over the worst of the withdrawal or should I back off a bit and give him space? I'm still really afraid that everytime he leaves the house he'll call her or go see her. I always thought he was a strong person but this affair has taught me that he's as vulnerable as anyone else.

Any thoughts out there?

Hi Andi - good job!

I never got this far, so I don't have any experience to draw on for further recovery, but here are two things that have to happen when the time is right:

NC letter
get into joint counseling

I'm sure there are others.

Regardless, keep Plan A'ing and feel your way. Counseling for yourself with an MB counselor cannot possibly hurt during this delicate time.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Hooray Andi51!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just keep being your loving sweet self and he WILL come around. Continue to be there for him.

Did he send a NC letter?

Get thee to MC!!

I am sooooooo happy for you!!

God bless you and FWH!
Frags

Thanks everyone. This IS a delicate time. Sometimes we are really relaxed with each other and can talk and relate like old times but other times I feel like we're walking on eggshells. There are times when I don't know what to say to him. It's so hard to see him in so much pain, knowing his feelings for me are at an all time low right now. He's being nice and all but when he drifts off to thoughts of her.... I'll keep going.

Andi

Yes, this is a really critical time. It's really like switching rollercoasters. It's different that when the A was going gangbusters, but it's still a very emotional time.

I agree with the other poster's that a NC letter should be sent, but you need to POJA about it and not push SO hard that it becomes a Selfish Demand.

This is a stage where I, as a BS, got impatient too much, and really nearly mucked up any progress I made. What I hoped for as a "light switch" change in my FWW, turned out to be a "sunrise in slow motion".

You need to keep the patience and resolve you had in Plan A in place, and let Time do part of the work.

This is a great time to do MORE with the FWH, by that I mean simply pleasurable things, much like you are dating. Simple "date" out for a bite to eat. Simply date to the movies. Do some of what were happy moments for you before the A. A long weekend get-a-way to a place filled with good memories wouldn't hurt either.

A FWS "coming home" is fearful all the time that WE BS's are going to take every opportunity to "remind" the WS that WE took the high road, and are going to "throw that in their face" at every opportunity. The FWS needs to be convinced by your actions that "home is a safe place for them".

All that sounds relatively easy, but at the same time, we BS's are looking for answers. "how could you do this to me". Why? We have needs too. It is a tightrope walk, knowing when the fog is cleared enough to have relationship talks to satisfy OUR needs, without it coming across as LOVEBUSTING.

You'll have to feel your way through this. Take any LITTLE committment from FWH. Do no expect him to do a 180 and be totally remorseful, spending time on his knees begging for forgiveness and mercy. More likely, he'll want to avoid talking about it at all!

I agree with the other posters. Try to get both of you to MC. Treat him with kid gloves. Understand that he doesn't really understand why you would still want him! The things going through his head right now are too complex for him to process, so, he too, is very confused.

Take it slow and easy, and continue in Plan A, especially those things you changed that you knew needing changed in yourself. Make those permanent. Continue posting and receiving support here. Vent here, as well! It will not be "all roses" for a while. When his fog begins to clear, if you could get him to read, with you, Surviving an Affair, and/or After an Affair, it will help him understand the dynamic of what you've both been through.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it helps!

Best wishes

SD

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Dear Andi51,

I suggest you spend more time than usual on yourself, I mean your appearance. Unless you're someone who always does this, of course.
Put on make-up when you normally wouldn't bother. Wear things that make you feel good & sexy (without going overboard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). But never tell him "I did it for you". Do it for yourself. If he's around to notice - great <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Lucky for him!

I guess the best win-win situation is when you can make him realise "OMG I've been such an idiot not to see how wonderful my W is" rather than "OMG I feel so guilty and horrible for what I have done". He'll have to deal with the guilt anyway - no need for us BS to rub it in.

Thanks everybody. I'l trudge on in Plan A as I have been. Things are really good between us EXCEPT for the fact that he is mourning the loss of his OW. It's so hard to watch but I got this far, I can keep going. Thanks for the reminder to be patient though. I tend to want things done NOW! Every once in a while he says that he doesn't know if he can do this. But he has been calling me or taking a walk when he feels the urge to call her. So far so good.