couldn't help but notice you are back. I wanted to say hi, ask you how you are doing.

i have to tell you, i've missed your perspective around here. I really appreciated your strong spirituality spirit.

I hope things are going well in your marriage. I would love to hear if you feel like sharing.

i started IC, it's been a bit tough at times. I actually wrote a long post early this morning but then didn't post it. the post rambled way too much. mostly what i think i was searching for were words of encouragement to continue to seek out God and take any/all hurts to Him.

it is hard to have to dig into the past and deal with hurts incurred back then without needing anything from H cuz at the same time I have to continue to try to make ammends to a H and help him feel better by being patient.

so now you can see why i missed your posts. of course the nice thing is, i could go back and read old posts whenever i want. that is a nice thing about this board. so even when a person leaves, their spirit remains.

anyway, i do hope things are going well for you.

FL,
Thanks for the greeting. I have read most of your recent posts and see that you are still struggling personally. I have been physically out of town for 20 of the last 33 days and when I was home, I had to pull away from the site to focus on God and my M. Most of it was vaca and I spent 6 days on a mission trip with my D. The rest of the time was with the family.

How is everything? Well it is almost a year past dday and just this week things are looking much better. As always you have to be cautious, but all in all it seems that the A is fading fast. I received a very loving BD card from my W and some great gifts. She seems much more concerned about me than anytime in the last 2 years. I have to say though that I am a peace no matter what happens. I have grown so close to God that I continually go to Him for ALL my needs. That is His design.

I have to tell you also that I read Beth Moore's book, "Breaking Free". It has been the final piece in my search for God. I strongly recommend that get a copy as soon as possible and you start going to her web site at Living Proof Ministries. She is and awesome teacher and has lived through alot of pain. You need her spiritual guidance. Her book has kind of brought it all together for me.

I see as you go through the rollercoaster of this season, you struggle with many things. Some seem to go very deep and it really comes down to addictions and strongholds. It sems there is alot of pain from childhood that you need to work through. You must ask yourself "who is in control of my life?". There are only two answers and none of the answers are yourself. You are the only person who can surrender control to God. Is OM in control or is God? Believe it or not, when you give in to your feelings for OM, you are giving control to him. Is that what you want? No, its not, but your choices betray you. You are either controlled by the flesh or you are controlled by the Spirit of God.

I will not be real active here for the next two weeks, but I will check in as the Spirit moves me. Especially on you. Trust me on this, God wants you to seek Him first and your circumstance will not change until you do. All of this takes a long time. We've spent the first 40 plus years of our lives to get to this point, it will take a while to break all those strongholds that control us. We just have to give them over to God one by one. God is not after our performance, He is after our love.

Christ's Love,
Roman

hi again.

i am happy to hear things are going well. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, it's so nice your W helped you feel special on your b-day. You held on for so long and now you are seeing the benefits. you are an inspiration.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when you give in to your feelings for OM, you are giving control to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i know there has been contact with OM but it's not my feelings for OM that i am giving into. more and more i realize that the OM was ALL about me finding a way to act out.

it's for this reason i have such a hard time relating to most of the other WWs around here. all of them seem to have really loved the OM, or at least thought so. i never thought that. at best i liked him a lot. it leaves me feeling like quite an alien. i read their posts, i want to bond a bit for the support, but i just can't. i'm not really like anyone else here. (well maybe autumnday would say otherwise).

the point i am trying to make is i was never in love with OM, i didn't have to go thru withdrawals in the same way others did here. maybe that does not make any sense, maybe it has no bearing. i guess i'm trying to say the contact that has occured between OM and i since last Nov which is the last time i have seen him has been minimal and somewhat insignificant to me, i think many here think that contact puts me back to square one again. each contact was a setback, no doubt, but not because of strong feelings, just because it made me feel sick about myself all over again. that is really what it had become for a long time. i way to re-enforce just how bad of a person i am.

it was not until 3weeks ago, when i told H of the contact with OM, that it really hit home to me just how significant it IS to my H though. All thoughts of OM have been gone since i have finally gotten that through my thick scull. i really don't want to hurt my husband anymore. hurting myself, i can still live with, giving him any more pain, i just can no longer do!!!

what is significant to me is the fact that i am was still needing and choosing to act out. Since telling H of the contact, I am more determined than ever to never again act out that way. and one step further, to stick with IC until i uncover and resolve all the reasons i have been acting out so i don't find new and other destructive ways to act out.

the obvious one, the reason i was so vunderable to begin with, is the fact that our marriage was so uncapable of supporting me while my dad was sick and then when he died. but i cannot chalk it all up to that. because i allowed our marriage to get so bad. and uncovering what it is about me that would allow our marriage to become so bad and then working thru that and changing myself so that the marriage cannot be like it used to be anymore, that is the work i have yet to finish. and at the same time, try to not be needy but always be loving towards H. I do wish H would finally decide to read or maybe do counsoling, but he is just not ready yet.

i do feel like i have made a lot of progress, i feel like i am closer to God than i ever have been but i also know i have a long way to go still. i tried finding breaking free a few times but never could. maybe it is time to just order it off the website. thanks for the reminder and thanks for your reply.

keep focusing on God and your M. I've been wondering if i should back away from the board to do the same. i can't quite figure out why i keep coming back. as i just stated, i don't really feel comfortable here so much, as i feel so different than the norm, but something continues to draw me here. maybe i feel i am giving up in a way if i leave here, maybe i fear not reading here will make me focus too much on myself and fall into a pity party. i think i get too close to doing that too often even while i am here. obviously i am still searching a lot.

i am taking off work mon-wed, mini family vacation to a water park. i'm looking forward to the time away. blessings to you. Karen

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL,
Thanks for the warm response. You said you don't seem to fit the norm and I think in some ways you are right, but I see you have alot in common with others. You have been deeply hurt in your M and in your past. The A has hurt you also. You struggle with addiction. Your heart is in the right place, but you are confused. It is good to hear you are seeing more clearly. I hope you don't take this wrong, but the OM is selfish and took advantage of you at a vulnerable time. Yes he provided comfort and cares about you, but its really about him and I think that is clear from the last contact. He should be able to see that contact with him is what hurts you the most.

I think with the Beth Moore book you will be able to see more clearly why you are acting out and how to stop it. I will pray that you get that book. Go to here site and see when she will be in your area. Her events sell out quickly. I know you will identify strongly with her, she is an awesome presence who has lived in the reality of this world. She will help you more than you know.

It is amazing how you mention your dad. My FIL died about 5 years ago. My W was very close to him and it was devastating for her. He would have been the one person who I would have gone to when I discovered the A. I think if he was still alive, she may not have ever chosen the A. She had issues with him in her younger years, but they grew close in her teen years.

Thanks for not quitting, the pain is worth the reward. And keep on smiling!!

Christ's Love,
Roman

ok, i just called around and the second store i tried has a copy of the book, i'm leaving work now and will pick it up, they are holding it for me. thanks for the extra push. i think i could really use a good book this weekend!!!

roman, thanks for choosing today to come back. the week was so long (not sure if you read the part about the conversation with my mom and the impact it had on me, then again, maybe i never ended up posting that anywhere, short version, my mom told me that A) she is now 100% convinced my sister was sexually abused by dad because sister told mom graphic details and what he did to her, mom says he had done the same to her and how unpleasent it was and B) that my older sister stated that she now thinks she too was sexually abused by dad. the second piece of info is what really hit me hard. not meaning to discount other sister, but i just don't know what to make of her memories. she has gone back and forth a few times, she is totally convinced now but her mental health is very questionable. this is the sister that has been hospitialized many times and has had shock treatment. my other sister however is 4 yrs older than me and if she is saying she remembers now, well that makes it all more creditable and i really upset me. i truely have very little memories from time when mom and dad were married, i was 8 when he left. it took me till the next afternoon to talk to my older sister and find out mom had it wrong with the second bit of info. older sister does not have any such memories.

anyway the point is, this has been a very emotional week!!! i think because of how upset the news mom delivered made me as well as how uncared for it left me feeling.. she told me this while i was driving, she had absolutely NO thoughts about how this news was impacting me. (another piece of the puzzle: last thurs i confided to IC about interactions that occured between my brother and myself, something i only partly confided to my H about years ago, but then stopped short due to H lack of response. of course my mom does not know this. i have never told anyone about what happened back then until last thurs when i finally completely told IC.) but conversation was all about her dumping her feelings and unhappiness on me without thought of how i would feel listening to this news. IC wants me to work on setting up better boundaries with my mom.

so while in this state, H and I have SF and the lack of kissing really got to me this time. i still equate kissing to really connecting during sex. H still maintains he has little to no motivation to get back into kissing himself. he says he is not doing that to punish me or anything, he just doesn't think he needs to be doing anything he doesn't feel like doing. there was a small amount of kissing he did about 3 weeks ago, after we had a discussion about it, althought the discussion seemed to go poorly, he outwardly made it clear he didn't want to kiss, his actions later contradicted that as he did kiss me a little. but not since again.

sex activity is really getting to me. i know i have to talk to him about it again soon. i'm trying to hold out but i feel worse and worse about the interactions between us. it remains so one sided, and a lot of times does not even include actual intercourse, or at best a very small amount right at the end. (i'm sorry if this is too many details) i just don't know how long i should try to hold out and let it be this way, is it good i am doing this or is it bad? i don't know if he knows how much it hurts because i do enjoy making him feel good, but i'm left feeling very uncared for and it hurts!!! but i want to give H the patience he has asked for. it all gets to be so confusing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i'm leaving now, i'll probably look at board on sunday sometime and then not again until next thurs. thanks roman.

regarding </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope you don't take this wrong, but the OM is selfish and took advantage of you at a vulnerable time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, i know and it makes me sad but at the same time, i let him. i take full responsiblity for that. how selfish OM is or not is just not my concern. i'm certainly not looking to play the role of victim in any of this (i got that covered when i think of childhood) i need to take 100% responsibility. OM's actions will be judged by God, i have no need to do it.