I am an OW. I don't know whether I am able to post on this forum or not.

I am about to end my three year affair because I only now have seen the light, and realise its terribly wrong.
Its hurt and damaged me. Its warped my perceptions of what love is. And no doubt has enabled my MM to avoid burning issues in his M.

My question is this.

I obviously have the choice whether to tell his W about him, and about our affair (and about the dozen or so other affairs he's had over the past five years)
Or to go on my way and try to heal myself, and assume everything will eventually find its balance within their M.

Does it benefit the BW (assuming there has never been a d day) to be made aware of her H's activities - or is it unnecessary and cruel?

I now feel great sorrow for the life she thought she was leading - because it wasn't what it seemed
(or more importantly her H conspired to make sure her life was one big fabrication, and I was an accomplice to this)

Any thoughts appreciated.

I realise that this post may not be welcome here in which case I will not reply again. I also understand if the moderators choose to delete this.

OW are entitled to post here. The only time it's halted, or deleted is if it's a flaming insult. The moderators merely do damage control.

The W has a right to know. Tell him either he comes clean or you do. If you threaten to tell him, I'm sure he doesn't think it's because it's in his W's best interest. He will only see this as vindictive on your part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(or more importantly her H conspired to make sure her life was one big fabrication, and I was an accomplice to this) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HIS life is the fabrication. And I'm sure there are sides to that story you are completely unaware of.

Just as he is capable of lying to his W to have an A with you, don't believe he isn't lying to you as well. It's a common path ALL WS follow.

I hope you find peace and happiness.

Good for you for stopping the A.

Tell. The BW has a right to know what has happened in HER life. You took something that belongs to her. And, btw, you were not an accomplice, you were the thief.

Good for you.... write her a letter. She needs to know. Be sure to keep yourself safe, be sure MM or his wife cannot become violent with you.

Are you married also?

Pep

If you decide to tell, maybe something in the form of an apology would be appropriate.

To get him to tell....how will you ever know? Remember he's a serial liar.

If you introduce her to the injury she has already suffered, consider introducing her to the tools to heal herself and her marriage.

Send her here.

Give her suggestions for some books such as Surviving an Affair by Harley or After the Affair by Janis Spring.

Be strong. You are doing the right thing. Maybe you could write a letter to BW. You could tell WH that you wrote the letter and tell him you are going to get it to BW in a week or so. Then he will have time to admit first if he wants to. If WH tells BW in advance, your letter of appology will still arive and serve a purpose. If WH doesn't confess, then your letter will be DDAY.

Good luck!

Tell her, wouldn't you want to know if you were her?

Thanks for your direct replies.

it seems to be a consensus that its more useful to alert the BW to the affair.

Would it be necessary to inform MM that I am going to do this?
I wish to have total NC with him - so I have an issue with contactimg him again - even to pass on my intentions.

My other concern is that he has always maintained that he will deny, deny, deny in the face of any crisis.
He will no doubt tell her I am making this up for personal reasons or disturbed - whatever lie he thinks she will buy.

I don't think its in her interests or mine, if she believes him.
It simply strengthens his position as a serial cheater.
Typically would the BS be smart enough to 'see through' any protestations a cheating H might make?

Dear,

You must have loved him this man to let him pull the wool over your eyes for 3 years, but try to see him like he is. At best he's fooling himself too into thinking it's all ok as long as dear W doesn't know. At worst he's an excellent manipulator that does everything, including being very charming, to have things HIS way.

If you tell him the A is over.. that's one way to stop him. If he has had several other affairs.. I guess he'll move on to the next victim as soon as he realises he can't talk you back into the A (he'll probably try to charm/reason you back). But if I read you right.. he's been sleeping with other woman while having an A with you?

He can have as many partners as he likes. He can do whatever he wants. IF HE'S SINGLE. He is making his M a living lie and that has to stop. So yes, tell him he should tell his wife.
But if you send his wife a letter because you're pretty sure he'll never tell her, then don't tell him or he'll intercept it for sure!

If you want to tell her and save her from a M that is a total lie, and force him to come clean and change his ways (which would be a good thing for him, too!) I would suggest you do this.
Get yourself a new cell phone number. Send her a short message somehow in a way that you'll know he cannot intercept. Give her the cell phone number and ask her to call you. If she doens't call she probably never got your number. If she does then tell her what you want to say (your could write it down and tell her you're reading it to her).

I'm sure she'll have a lot of questions and her H isn't going to tell her the truth. He might say you're some kind of nut that has a crush on him, that you feel turned down and that it's all a lie.. you'd be amazed what people will invent to save their butt. So try to get some evidence if you can. Dates, places, traces. Maybe even pictures. Anything so she won't believe his lies anymore.

And did you have safe sex? Did he have safe sex with the other women? If not, he's putting his wife at risk for STD. That's not a fairy tale. A friend of mine found out his wife cheated on him when he got an STD. Not a nice way to find out.

I think highly of you because you've come to realise you're doing the wrong thing. It takes a big person to admit this and to correct it.
Good luck to you!

Our posts seem to have crossed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Please tell all.

If you want NC with MM, truely this is the way to go.

As a Betrayed Spouse, I would want to know.

I don't know how far you want to go with this. Do you want to tell of MM other infidelities in the past, before yourself?

This is up to you. You can call, however, to let the BS know what is up. This might insure no contact with the MM and help you to recover.

Glad to see you want to do the right thing.

Praying for your healing over this. Hope you can find someone unattached in the near future. God Bless and He will forgive if you change your ways. Glad to see that you know this is wrong and want to do something to change your direction.

I wouldn't let MM know beforehand.

Just my very humble opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Telling MM before will allow him to paint you out to be a crazed lunatic on some vindictive mission. If you're going to tell, what does telling him first accomplish? He'll find out soon enough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2TellOrNot2Tell:
<strong>My other concern is that he has always maintained that he will deny, deny, deny in the face of any crisis.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typical and predictable. Some integrity, huh?

It's for this reason Binder recommended you not alert him of your intent to tell his wife.

One way to go about this is to write a NC letter to him sending her a copy first. Then send him one later. If you have a work address for her, all the better so he won't intercept it.

But re-read your words now that I quoted above. Some thought should be given to calling her or visiting her in person. This is a sure way to ensure she gets the notification, given his expected reaction to deny, deny, deny. Alternatively, if you can do anything else to ensure she'll get a letter, e.g., send it when you know he'll be traveling, please consider this.

Finally, what was the answer to the question regarding your marriage status?

Ok - Give it up - are your my WH OW???

I truly believe I am M to a serial cheater. Like another poster said - these type of people will just go out and find another victim.

I give you alot of credit for seeing the light. Seeing who you were really sleeping with..and having your conscience eat at you to come clean.

Don't assume that his BS doesn't already know "you" or "someone" else exists. Alot of times we know we just can't catch them red handed. They deny, deny - they make you think your crazy...They aren't doing "anything"...I've heard it all..And hey, there may be some BS that don't want to know for sure..THey are just hoping it goes away..

I was told indirectly by one of my WH OP and it was a relief to know that I wasn't "crazy" - I wasn't fabricating any of these A's. I too was living a lie and that's the hardest part to accept. I thought my WH truly loved me, he gave me everything but himself. I was living a fantasy and just didnt' know it. Unfortunetly, I was living a part of his fantasy too, a wife, a home, good times, friends, etc.

I dont' think you should tell him - he knew when he started this that what the consequences could be and he chose to accept that.

I would call her, I would not send a letter. He will deny it over and over - but, in the end you will feel better knowing that once you have told the truth and she will probably end up respecting your for coming clean. That's my 2 cents as a BS - that loves her WH. Believe me if he is a true serial cheater he'll be uneffected by your telling her - it won't stop him..His BS crying, hurt etc. won't stop him either. It didn't stop my WH - they always find another OP to fill your spot. They have an addiction and need help - unfortunately, they don't see it that way.

Be sure to let her know that you are truly sorry for coming into her life you should have said NO...

Take care of yourself..