Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#1165422 07/30/04 04:59 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 421
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 421
I have positive Plan A with few LB's for about five months. IC and I have talked about going to Plan B--IC suggests I stick with Plan A as long as I can because WH is very stubborn and proud and in Plan B, WH would probably just leave with little chance of recon.

I was doing pretty well until this week....all week I have had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. OW was out of town for two weeks and during that time the fog lifted. But she must be back because WH has been missing in action. He is retired and has nothing to do all day while I work full time. OW (who is single) doesn't really work either so I guess they entertain each other. His birthday is Monday and that will be another negative reminder of his MLC.

I just can't do it today. I can't take the secret second life. The lying, the anger, the distance. I am dead, I am numb. I want to go to sleep for thousand years and not wake up. I am trying to take care of me right now because in the end that will be what matters. I wish H and our M could be a part of my life, but I don't know if I can make it.

Will the fog ever lift? Will he ever see how much I love him and cherish him? Will he come to his senses any time soon? He says he sees how much I am trying and has told me that he is afraid by the time he comes around, I will be gone. I am calm. I have not LB him, but I just can't do it today.

I welcome any and all help. Thanks to all you MB's--you understand.

#1165423 07/30/04 05:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,119
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,119
I was feeling the same way yesterday and it got me into trouble.

Try to hang in there.

#1165424 07/30/04 05:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 755
M
mgm Offline
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 755
What gave you the impression you had to do it today or everyday?? I understand how you feel it's is one of the worst feelings in the world. I've experienced it for myself.

What about taking a break for today? Try not to deal with him or his issues. Go shopping, go for a manicure, go for coffee with friends, read a book, don't take his calls...

If you do end up LBing don't get too upset about it. All of us here have LB'd at some point, we're only human...and it won't be the end of it all if you do. It may happen it may not but, try to put some distance between you and your WH so it doesn't happen. All you have to do is take each moment as it comes, try not to dwell about what's going to happen next.

#1165425 07/30/04 05:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,442
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,442
Can't do what today, SS? Can't Plan A? Then don't. Go shopping. Make yourself scarse. Go out with some girlfriends. Go see a show. Get out to the Comedy Club. Lift free-weights at the gym. Go hang out with some self-help books at Barnes and Noble and have a Latte.

Have you read the book, "How to Survive your Husband's Midlife Crisis?" My H is too young, but I read the book anyway, because he was exhibiting a lot of the signs - and, frankly, I had lots of spare time. Anyway, it is good, and they even have their own support website.

Just some ideas. Take your mind off of it. You are getting near to having to make that Plan B decision, me thinks. You cannot allow your Love Bank balance to become too low, or you will no longer have the desire to save your M. And right now, you are your M's only hope! That must be protected.

I understand your position of pride and stubborness with your WH - most men are like that. And eventually, those are issues HE will have to deal with to come back to the M. Does he have any planned activities to fill up his days? Perhaps that is something worth looking into. Maybe you could both go more part-time with working, to have more time available together, and less time for him to find trouble.

Hang in there, girlfriend. What fun thing are you going to treat yourself to this Friday night, hhmmmmm???

SS

#1165426 07/30/04 05:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,442
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,442
Wow, me and MGM sure are on the same page today.

I just had another thought. I just read a book, called "back from betrayal" by Suzy Farbman. Her story has so many similarities to yours, in my mind. As far as age, retirement, free time, etc. It is a very good read.

Go get it, and tell me what you think. I read it in about 2 days.

#1165427 07/30/04 05:26 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 421
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 421
Thanks Shul, MGM and Spider,

I know I am not alone in how I feel and that helps. You are right. I feel low and I need a break and a little "me" time. I am going to go out and take a walk or buy something fun and stupid. If they had a "rent a puppy", I would sign up right now.

Spider, thanks for the suggestions on the books. I will look for those and I appreciate the recommendations.

Thanks everyone for understanding. I feel better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1165428 07/30/04 05:30 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 14
T
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 14
Sure,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling badly today but, everyone feels bad sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I agree with MGM and SS. Take the day off and just do something special for yourself and stay out of his way.

I just thought of that famous line from Scarlet O'Hara in Gone With The Wind. "Don't think about it today....think about it tomorrow."

In the mean time give yourself some time to relax and you will be okay.

Hope you feel better soon.

#1165429 07/31/04 01:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 421
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 421
Thanks for the suggestions and support everyone--it got me through yesterday without LBing. Did a few things for myself and then was able to sit in same room with WH--watched baseball game and a movie.

I was going to take a little break from Plan A, but WH said he might want to do some activity with me. He has not been allowing me to fill his recreation EN--so the invitation is welcomed but it comes on the day I was trying to get a little distance. I will try to think of something fun for both of us, but I feel badly because he told me how he enjoyed being with OW doing nothing just anywhere ....like it use to be with us. I feel nothing but pressure like some competition and that feeling is not helpful.

I will welcome the invitation and try to use the opportunity to make a small deposit in love bank.
I don't remember having to work so hard to have fun before.

To Spider, I took another one of your suggestions and bought tickets to see Hootie for WH birthday. Maybe he won't feel bad on that day, be in a fog and will want to go. Also, I would quit my job and have offered to do this so we could have more time together...but I don't want to do that if we don't have an M...then I'll have no M or a job.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 33 guests, and 37 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5