Interesting point. He believes he loves her and if she were to leave he BF and the S*** hit the fan then at the time he'll be able to protect her. Things is they both know that this relationship is doomed to failure because of several factors, but they are too blinded by the lust and desire to see it and stop it.
Sorry that I'm being so totally stubborn about this, but I really have to know every avenue before I do something I can't take back. I'm sure you know what I mean. I'm scared to try and scared not to. I've never been so terrified of anytihng in my entire life. I know Plan A and MB has worked for many people but I'm just worried about differences in personality and relationships, what might work for a lot people might not work for my H. I'm not an indecisive person, I really am not. I'm normally strong willed and know what I want and how to get it. But I guess I've never had this much to lose before.

C&S and Melody, thank you so much for your support and probing. I might still be at the stage of sticking my head in the sand and hoping this will all go away. I go to work somedays and wondering if I'm dreaming this whole thing. I'm trying a good plan a. We went out for dinner last night. I wore something a little more provocative than usual and at one point over dinner he started smiling and I asked him why, he said "It's the first time I've seen YOU smile in awhile." Does desire really come back from him perspective? I believe that he has some unrealistic expectations of marriage and relationships. He thinks that our marriage and sex life should be fireworks all the time for the rest of our lives. How do I live up to the excitement of fresh meat?

jwk..
Just a few things..take it or leave it, it's only my opinion.

1) The point of exposure is not to give him warm fluffy feelings about you, or to prevent him from being angry with you. The point of exposure is to allow the consequences to fall on the shoulders of the OW/M and WS. You have no ability to control either his reactions..or the seriousness of the consequences..they have made their decisions, they can be held accountable for them. Let them squirm..let them be criticised. Will it initially draw them closer together..two against the world? Probably so..unless they cave very easily. Doesn't matter..it is the first step towards reality that either have taken in a long time. It is a step in the right direction.

2) I wouldn't budge an inch if I were you. I would not allow myself to be displaced from my home [thereby allowing them a nice cozy place to play house] under any circumstances. Even if I had more support elsewhere, still I would stand my ground..and I would declare it my ground. The person who needs to leave if they wish to leave the marriage is the WS...why you ask? It is because this is yet another shocking dose of reality. They wanted each other above all else..let it cost them everything. Let them have nothing besides each other, and see if they decide it is too hefty a price to pay.

3) You can not lose more than you have already lost. There is no course of action that will guarantee the restoration of your marriage. Your husband has tossed you aside like a cheap and expendable tool. He is demonstrating a complete lack of respect for you. He has effectively communicated that she is the partener of his choice [for the time being..but he doesn't know that]. Look at what he does, not what he says. He may say that he knows it can't work out..and yet he continues to invest in her and withdraw from you. He is taking what belongs to you and giving it to another whom he wishes to replace you with.

4) While I heap blessings onto the head of your MIL for backing you and not excusing her son...her attempts were not successfull. This stategy has an excellent success rate because it deals with human nature, and the nature of addiction very realistically. Expect some unpleasant interactions. Expect anger, resentment, withdrawl, lies, manipulations..whatever it takes for the WS to acheive thier goals. In a lot of ways..they are more savvy than we BSs..they are determined to have things as they wish, they will stop at nothing and at the expense of no one to get what they want. You too will need to be so committed and single minded. He will be willing to pull any string he thinks he even might be able to find. Your job is to anticipate this and counter it.

5) Plan A....
Not to be discredited..and no, he likely will not return your affections, he may very well resent them. The most your kindness [genuine kindness..not passive acceptance or allowance of him to manipulate you] will accomplish in the short term is that he will be very conflicted, because, he dearly wants to blame you, he wants to heap guilt on your head, and he wants to continue to have what he wants, when he wants it, as he wants it. He may possibly start to feel a little bad about his abuse of you while you are being an ocean of mercy to him. This will be immediately countered with self protective measures [anger, withdrawl, etc] and the affair monster will rear it's ugly head and roar for all it is worth at you.

The image that comes to my mind with regard to your situation is this..imagine that you wish to build a house...you must first look to the cost of the house and see if you are able to afford the expense..if all is well there, do you desire the house truly even though it will cost so much? Next you must have a strategy for building, and patience, because the laying of a strong foundation is a long and tedious task that is not immediately gratifying..though ultimately may determine whether your structure endures or succumbs. This requires discipline..and decisiveness. You must have already determined in your mind that the course of action you are about to engage in, is the best option available to you. Investigate the program yourself instead of looking for others to persuade you. If my paltry words can lead you one direction..so can anothers pull you another direction entirely..thus leaving you zigging and zagging and completely adrift. You will not survive that intact. Ultimately the person who will have to live with your decisions is you, not me or anyone else here..all I can offer is my opinion.

6)Plan B

When and not if...there is a specific procedure here, and the devil is in the details. There is no such thing as a "sort of" plan "B". Plan B will throw them together..that is the intent. Might it result in the final dissolution of your marriage? Yes, it might, if that were the inevitable outcome, but at least you would have the clarity of mind to know..really know that you have done everything that you could to realistically save your marriage. A marriage in which you are so disrespected..so helpless and abused..a marriage where the WS stomps back in on their terms and not on terms that the two parteners agree apon together...is not a desirable goal. You must have integrity in your life..you must have wholeness. If he isn't willing to be a part of that life with you..better off you are wholely without him than eating his scraps while the current object of his affections [be it this OW or the next] feasts on a meal at your table.

Finally..a word about consequences...I see some real indecisiveness in your words..I suspect that it is because there is no consequence that you are willing to pay. Frankly..you shouldn't have to. The outrage of being fearfull of angering your spouse for exposing his betrayal is not a position one anticipates in life. I'll bet you always thought that you would be quick to pull the trigger...except that you love him and are committed at a level you can't comprehend, much less explain..so your own reaction is likely not what you anticipated. My advice is this..just as you can not trust your husbands feelings [inconstant at best] over his actions..so too you can not trust your own. Some days you will feel one way..some days another..this does not make you anything but normal. It is your actions that you must decide on. I'm so very sorry that you have been drafted into this little cosmic chess game..but it's still better to be the queen than to be the pawn. Best of luck--Noodle

Thanks for the long post noodle. Yes I feel like I am a pawn in all this. BUt as i told my mother in law, no matter what the outcome *I* am the one that will pay for the consequences of HIS mistakes. If this works, I'll have to live with the suspicion for the rest of my life, I'll probably never have a compfortable moment again away from him. If it doesn't work, I'll lose the house, my H, my entire life. YOu are right, I am indecisive, I am zig zagging. My problem is my H is my first serious relationship. I always thought it would be forever. I've NEVER had my heart broken before much less ever thought it would by him. Everyone tells me I'm living in the past and clinging on to the image of my H from 6 months ago. And yes I am. He was a great guy, he was wonderful and he LOVED me. Which is why this is so hard because I occassionally get a glimpse of my old H. YEs he is disrepsecting me and treating me like dirt, but I keep clinging on to the old him, they way he used to be. I think I have a long road ahead no matter what I do.

jwk

Yes, it's true..you have no truly good options as a result of this A. What you have more resembles a choice between cutting off your right arm or your left, than a choice between an obviously good outcome and an obviously bad one.

My husband also was my first serious relationship, and my only lover. I thought we were indestructable, that his fidelity was unshakable, that his love was immovable..until in one moment or many, it was moved. D day for us was abut a year and a half ago, but we have only been in recovery since feb of this year. My decision to remain in this marriage has cost me terribly. My own imagery is that of a cracked pot..I need daily refills of good things or my feelings of satisfaction with my marriage drain and drip and dwindle. Yet I do not regret the decision. Today I lay with my head on his chest, and looked up at him and thought...I'll never really be secure again in the way that I was. Really only in my mind..I felt secure, but I obviously wasn't. So often my speech is marred..I wonder..am I boring you? Am I unattractive from this perspective? Will this "enter decision, conversation, etc here" come back to haunt me in some way I can't anticipate? Funny thing was..that as we lay together I also realised that this is the way of things. This is and was always true. We make deposits, we make withdrawls..only now I am aware and not naive. I have lost my innocence for certain..but my scars are homage to the battles I have fought. I loved him..I could not reconcile what he had done..I could not cut off a pound of his flesh..so I cut off a pound of mine..the wound hurts but I do not regret having done it. Your own scars will be a permanent record of the life you have lived. They will change you, but they do not in and of themselves destroy or even flaw you.

Should your husband desire to reconcile with you..something that you will both have to accept is that what you had is in the past tense..you are both different people now. You are everything that you once were..plus this. It will change you..you will not be able to hold onto who he was and sadly..you will also not be able to hold onto who you were. He also will have to make peace with this. Time didn't stop for you while he was out playing.

If you are not able to recover your marriage...the same rule applies..it is just the other arm. You will make compensations..you will grieve and move on just the same as if your marriage had been saved. My mother was not able to save her marriage..due to addiction, it was just not salvagable...she grieved for ten years at least...I'll grieve at least that long over my own losses, and so will you. An adultery is a death..it is the death of everything that you thought you had..every vow you made, everything you have sacrificed in order to be in a state of committment with another person. Death is permanent. I do not believe that the old life that you once had draws breath ever again. I believe that with or without your spouse..you begin anew, but your new life is informed by it's predecessor so that although you are a fledgeling in one respect..you are also a capable adult who can look back and reflect on your choices and use that knowledge to help you make wiser choices in the future.

As for your husband..it is a universal truth that we pay for what we do...the thing is..he will not be able to pay his debt to you . There will and must be consequences as a result of his actions...but those consequences will not give you back what has been taken from you. I too struggle with this. Frankly, it just seems wrong. I want to stomp my feet and whine like a little girl "NO FAIR!!". Life isn't fair though. We are fortunate to have gotten old enough to be married, and still have some faith that at least if life isn't fair, it should be. Life is a long and dimly lit road from where I'm standing. The path is uncertain, but we have brains in our heads and shoes on our feet [Dr Seuss] and really, nothing better to do with ourselves than to walk it. Really and truly..investigate the marriage builders concepts..see if you think they have merit. The person who needs to be satisfied as to your course of action is you. The outcome is uncertain..the strategy is not. It helps to know where you are even if you don't know where you will ultimately go. Commiseratingly yours--Noodle

Noodle, so you did a plan a? How did the H take it? How did he respond? Did he lash out in anger? I have other bad news today that is not related to my M, has to do with my dad. When it rains it really pours. I told my H about it, he's not cold but he's not exaclty very supportive. Not the way he used to be.
You were obviously completely blindsided like I was noodle. After all the things that happened in my H's past, between his dad and quite a few bad relationships where he got burned, I thought he would be the last person to do this to me.
I just don't understand how a love so strong could have die for small little reasons, yet my love for him is so strong and undying even though he committed the ultimate betrayal????? YOu are right about my feelings of A's before it happened to me. I always said I would kick out any man that would do that. Lo and behold here I am, and I can't bear to let go. The wounds are raw and right now he is just rubbing salt in

jwk...

I didn't have the option of intentionally doing a plan A because I hadn't found the site yet. However, my natural instincts were very similar, so once I became aware of, in agreement with, and familiar with the MB concepts I had only some minor tweaking to do. I held him completely accountable from day 1, but I also recognized his fog and essentially granted him grace where and when he needed it. I absolutely exposed..I exposed to his comand [he is in the military, although he didn't resist] I exposed to friends and family [his mother cried and apologised] and the exposure was necessary...accountability is not a curse it is a blessing. It is a painfull and humiliating [for me as well, mind you..how do you think I like everyone to know what my husband did?] gift...especially if you do it in a loving and not a vindictive manner. His boss expressed suprise [he himself was a BS, now divorced and remarried] that my exposure was so obviously done with intent to restore my husband rather than to hurt him. I felt physically ill the entire walk up to the meeting. I even had to ask that he speak to me outside because I was afraid that I would faint, or barf, or faint while barfing right in his office.

Something that was different in my situation was that I myself was unsure that I wanted to remain in the marriage..I felt it had been defiled. I was angry and hurt. Not completely blindsided though...almost..but not quite. You see, for months prior to his ONS he had begun to change..subtle little changes, and I the frog in the kettle, aware of the temperature rising, but not aware of just how near to boiling the situation was. I began to notice him looking at me with criticism in his eyes. I was not measuring up to the standards that his new friends valued. I think I became aware of that when we had to go to a company dinner [at hooters...no place less appropriate I suppose] and the [very young..if she was 20 I'll eat this keyboard] woman sitting next to me [notice that he was not sitting next to me]a former hooters employee who had "graduated" to full fledged stripping.called me sweetie apparently not realizing just how condescending and inappropriate that is, particularly when the sweetie in question is considerably older than she. So I saw him slipping..but it was all guts and flags at that point. Then one of my closest friends asked me one night if we could go for a walk..I was worried that she had something on her mind..but what she revealed pretty much blew me away. People are talking, she said. People are talking about you, and about your husband. They say he is leading a double life, and that he has you completely in the dark. She said that he has been seen at strip clubs...spending lots of time at work watching porn with "the guys" when things are slow, he is going clubbing, drinking and socializing as a single man. I sat and let that sink in for a few minutes. Then I had to start all over because my mind just rejected this data as INCONCEIVABLE and therefore not something that I could process. She had more..apparently he had also been making disrespectfull comments and jokes about me, and not even realizing how uncomfortable it was making other people..this is deep fog, when you speak and fail to notice that people are clearing their throats and shuffling their feet rather than laughing with you. So I ever the clever interrogator [my MC asked if I had ever considerred going to law school, lol] managed to casually work these things into conversation without tripping his alarms. He answered more than he even knew. Yes, I was at the club..it was a friends birthday [all I needed was the confirmation, not the explanation which I instantly disregarded], yes I can't believe that he didn't get the joke [the joke was inappropriate, and disrespectfull, but I kept that to myself as well] and so and so and so forth. I had a lot of information but not a whole lot of ideas about what to do with it. His responses were off center as well...very juevenile. We were hurtling towards his ONS ..just days away from it really and I disappeared into a fog of my own making. I chose to believe him rather than to trust my instincts. My birthday was on the horizon, my mother was coming for a visit, and I didn't realize that the situation meritted a full halting of the world as we knew it. To be honest, I'm not certain at that point that anything would have been accomplished anyway. He had managed to successfully deceive himself ..and I can't help but feel, that under the circumstances, there was no way around the fire, only through. So BOOM..or rather * puff* and without further ado..the bricks of our fair city fell, the ground shook, the earth moved, and my husband of 7 years..the father of my children, went home from a bar with a woman whose last name he didn't catch and had unprotected sex with her. He came, he conquered, he felt really bad about it..but only in retrospect, not enough to take preventative measures. He had been called away to another state for 3 weeks..he was unfaithfull to me on the first night..you heard me right..he left my bed that morning and another womans the next. He told me over the phone the next day. I made up a guest room and spent the day moving him out of our bedroom..I also set up a bathroom for him to use seperate of the one the kids and I used at the time. This was surely not a warm welcome, but I was taking no chances that he would bring disease into our home. He was very contrite..a bit shocky I suspect. Pale..looked terrified half to death. I didn't mistreat him..I also didn't cry. I really could have left him at that point. I looked at him, and knew that I could walk away. I loved him, heck..I liked him..but this was intolerable and I didn't see a way out. We didn't have severe marriage issues at the root of his infidelity..he had an attraction to a lifestyle that left him vulnerable. How was I to fix that? Oh, but I had invested so much and for so long that I felt that if it could be saved, it should be. I was willing to turn over every rock. Not only for myself..we had children who loved and needed him, and honestly..he needed help, I loved him too much to withhold it.

So how did he take it? It depended entirely on his frame of mind. Had nothing to do with the boundaries..it had to do with what he thought of the boundaries. He could not deny that what he was resenting..was not me wrongly disallowing him to do things..but that I was int he way of things that he knew were wrong, but wanted to do any way. He would say things like..You can't decide who my friends will be, or tell me what to do. I would reply..yes, that's true..but I can decide that the lifestyle that you are embracing is not one that I'm willing to tolerate. If you choose to embrace this, I will choose to leave. We all have decisions to make. He would be angry. I would be hurt. He would foggily break his word to me..again, and so soon after crawling in on his face. So often, so very often I began to dream of a life without him. I was losing my ability to respect him. He was beginning to disgust me. I saw him as weaker than I. When he would break his word.. weak. When he would pine for things that he knew would destroy him.. weak. I can completely believe that a BS is vulnerable to an affair..their spouse is looking about as appealing as dinner served on a moldy, maggot infested trash can lid. This is what I struggle to accomplish?! A life sentence as your spouse? Yep..withdrawl was a definite factor. We had only glimpses of seeing eye to eye...but oh when we did, when we were both plugged in at the same time..it was magic still. D@mn it all to H*ll. [winks] Would have been easier if it weren't. When the dictionaries were looking for the definition of the word "conflicted" it should read..see infidelity. We were both conflicted. It really all came down to a choice, do you want to be in this marriage or do you not. We both had to answer. We answered that yes we did. We did what we needed to do in order to limp along. I found MB and read the site...we went from a limp to a stride..maybe even a jaunty swagger. Those fine tweakings make all the difference..strategy, what a concept. My husband hasn't read the site..it's sort of a monkey see monkey do..he is responding to the concepts because that it the paradigm that I have laid out before us. That sort of leaves me carrying an unfair portion of the burden, but honestly this is where we are at for the time being. It is a loving and respectfull, committed relationship. The payoff is huge, it is worth the trouble. I was finally able to ask him [he deals better with one question at a time, and at the right time, asked in the right way..unfair? yes..but I'm getting the truth, that's what my goal was, not a power struggle..I am willing to fill in the pieces a little at a time] what it was like to be in that frame of mind..what was it like from the inside. He said that it was like some small, and mostly dormant part of him, had grown and pretty much taken over. He is ashamed that this isn't something that is foreign to him..it was always there..it is a character flaw. He had allowed it by way of nourishing it's roots [selfishness, impulsiveness, thoughtless behavior, etc.] to go from being a streak [we all got 'em] to being a paved road..in fact the dominant road. As far as recovery..we both know that if something is in you..a part of you..inate..you will always be vulnerable to it. This weighs heavily on my mind, I admit it. I am always, every day feeling him out. I also have my antaenna going full strength around his friends..and particularly pointed in his direction when he has spent time with them. If he is quiet..I notice. Upset..I notice. I notice how much he has to drink and how long he plays games on the computor. I notice how often the phone rings. When it rings and the other party hangs up, I *69 for the number. Does that sound like trust to you? Well, it is trust..or rather, it is the amount of trust that he has earned thus far. These things are more akin to a checklist than outright suspicion. I have read..more than a few posts inside of which the poster expresses hope that the marriage will be stronger even than it was before. My response to that? Well, it would have to be. It will never be what it would have been, if both parties had applied the same effort, without the betrayal though. It will always have a weakness that is structural and probably not fixable. I do not anticipate a time when I will not be looking over my shoulder to some degree. The wolf came to my door, sat on the couch, and had a martinee. It doesn't get much more invasive than that. I think though..that such is life. That we all have hurdles, imperfections and struggles..invisible to the world [social mask] but so much a reality that we hardly know who we are without them. Maybe we all watch too much TV. Maybe we have had too much exposure to the cleaned up version of fairy tales.

I have opened the door for you to look through, because I see that you have been given sound advice and are struggling against it for reasons that are your own..maybe fear..maybe denial..maybe you do not yourself know at this time..so I was hoping that if instead of advising you, I just let you have a look at my own struggles and quandries and quibbles..you would at least not feel so isolated and misunderstood. You know it really is easier to give advice than it is to take it..your situation is always unique, at least to you. I will say this though..MB concepts have been a real eye opener for me. I think I have learned as much about myself as I have learned about my husband and ourt marriage. I do not sit and smugly judge you for your waffling. I have met the waffle people, and they made me their queen..it is all part of the fun. You have different traits within you, and each of them has it's own opinion on the matter..so what you think and even what part of you is driving the car..can change daily or even hourly..also..his affair is ongoing, he does not find you appealing right now [let me say that I recovered from this..I am now very attracted to my husband..do not despair] so you are in a state of constant crisis. Just a poor ship adrift and looking for a place to come to harbor in the storm. I believe that marriage builders can be one such place..not the only place but a good starting place. You do not have to know the outcome of every decision that you make..you don't have that amount of power over the situation. His will is as free as yours. You only need to decide what will be the next step for you..the road is indeed long..and there are miles to go before you sleep. You have time to pick flowers and have lunch. Take care of yourself a little. A nice bath maybe? A walk? A movie with a friend? Some music to dance around crazily to? Make cookies? Whatever floats your boat. Whatever tickles your pickle. I think that you are over focussing on the details..you need an outline more at this point. You need a big picture, not a pixel. Clear out the cobwebs, clarity will serve you better than obsession. I hope at least some of this was helpfull for you.

In medias res--Noodle

You are right noodle. I think about nothing BUT the details. I analyses everything down to the micron. My situation is slightly different to yours in that my H did not engage in meaningless sex with a lot of strangers. He believes he is in love with this girl. I don't know which is worse. Actually they both are in their own way purely awful and gut wrenching for the BS.
But the downward spiral happened in a similar way, suddenly he was very critical of me, nothing I did was right. He would get testy, short or snap at me for the most trivial things, like asking him what he wanted for dinner. I really noticed it one night when we were at the movies with the OW and her BF, before i found out about the A. We were just commenting about an actress on the screen and he said to me "Well, spoken like a TRUE SUPER MODEL". I was totally taken aback at the tone. He always told me that I was beautiful. Then he spent the entire night whispering in the OW ear while her BF was there. That's when I got an inkling. Things started going downhill from there.
We are a little bit better today. I actually spent the night with him last night, and he's less angry and being a little more insightful. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much at this stage because we have a long long road ahead. But I saw a little bit of my old H shine through last night. He's still not in love with me again yet of course, that's too soon. But we actually had a laugh about old times and special little moments that we had. He smiled when he remembered a couple of little silly tihngs that have happened between us. Things that were small at the time but makes for great memories years down the track. I'm trying to get him to remember how things were between us, and how it can be that way again, and not dwell on how things are now. He has to see that we can be happy again. I love and adore this man with every ounce of my being. The thought that I could potentially not have him in my life, is too much to bear. For me "for better and for worse" means a whole lot.

He wants to leave he doesn't even want to try. He's run away from everything in his life. He never looks back. I can't go on without him. He says he suicidal but "It's not the depression". He thinks he totally rational and logical, but he doesn't know anything about anything. He won't seek help he won't do anything. I've moved back in, he wants to move back home. I see that I'm fighting a losing battle.

We were better for a couple of days. And now it's like back to square one again. I told him today that 2 days ago when we talked, it looked like he was getting a little bit of insight into everything that was going on within him, now today he's done a full u turn and gone back to square 1

How are things going now JWK. Has there been any progress.
C&S

Thanks for your concern C&S. We finally decided that my H should go home for awhile to clear his head. He is down to 55kg (120lbs) crying all the time and not functioning. He is about a hair's breath away from suicide or a complete nervous breakdown. He needs to go home to be with his mom and to take care of himself. I'm hoping that if he returns to his old self that the feelings for me will return. I'm hoping, praying. He is going home for 6 months, then coming back to see if he still loves me or if it is the end. I wanted it to be face to face either way so that I know for sure and it is not just that he is too ashamed or afraid to come back to me.
At this point I'm not sure we have any choice in this decision, with the way things are, this is the best thing. He can't get any skinnier and he can't go down hill anymore before hitting rock bottom.

I truly need to say something that just might help you with you problem.I have been married to the most wonderful man for 4 yrs now.1 1/2 yrs ago i had an affair on my husband and the pain that i caused him and my family is unbearible.I cry all the time i can,t sleep and hardly eat.I wish i could change all that has happened but i can,t.I had the A with my ex-boyfriend who i loved very much.I still at this time stay in touch even after a no contact letter was written.The A has ended physically but not emotionally.I told my husband everything he would never have known.Your husband im sorry to say is still having this A on you without a doubt.He is what we call the cakeman.He wants both A and comfort of the wife at home.As far as regaining your trust he must do that.He sounds very selfish and it sounds like he wants to blame you for the affair so he does not have to deal with the pain he has caused or does not care.He is far from ending this A And i beleive that changing his password on the computer should make you see the writing on the wall you don,t want to see.It takes 2 to make a marriage and it seems to be only 1.Until he is ready if ever which i doubt ou are fighting a losing battle.You don,t deserve this pain.My prayers are with you.Good Luck.R.M.U

Problem is RMU, it is a lot easier to say cut my losses and move on than it is to do it. I LOVE this man, we had a wonderful marriage. I know he's been cruel and treating me like s***, but I can't let go yet.
There are many complex issues here in our relationship that caused it to go down this road. But I have such a strong sense of commitment to him that i can't just say "well he's been a royal B*****D to me, I deserve better, I should move on". Everyone I know is telling me that, but I can't. He doesn't deserve me I know, not after what he's done, but I LOVE him.

Wow, everything you guys have told me is pretty much true. I did not expose the A to the OW boyfriend. My H did. I did a plan B and told him I wanted to separate. And then he started to think, think about our marriage and everything that he has lost. Now he's coming back on bended knees begging me to forgive him. He realises what an enormous mistake he has made. There is 0 contact with the OW now, he hates her guts. The problem is now me. I'm not sure I am ready or even want to take him back. He kicked me in the guts repeatedly and ripped my heart out over and over again. There is only so much a person can take before they say "ENOUGH!". How do I forgive him?
With this whole awful thing, I've learnt a lot of new things about myself. It's almost ironic that it had to take such a traumatic experience to bring out this other side of me that I never knew existed. The daring, adventurous, interesting, fun loving side. My H spent the last 6 motnhs tearing me down, telling me that I was fat and unattractive, and lazy. But through all this I found out that I'm not. I'm a lot more confident and feel beautiful and sexy despite everything he has put me through. Through all of this, I've come out the much stronger person in this relationship.
I'm just in a quandary as to whether I should just move on with my life, or give him a second chance. Everyone around me is telling me I deserve better, but I also know that I had 5 happy years with him. Problem is I don't know if I can love him again the way I used to. Am I going through a phase?