I know that my husband is having a deep emotional affair with another woman. She lives several hundred miles away, and they have not seen each other intimately. I have known about her for 6 years - it wasn't until 2 years ago that the nature of their relationship changed.

At this time I was getting opver a one night stand (but with a lot of emotional entanglement that goes way back) that I had and was working to put my marriage back together. Husband was thoughtful, sweet and doing all the things I wish he had done for years - showing me affection and so much attention. At some point while we I was in withdrawl and loathing myself for what had happened, he started talking to OW on a more personal basis and after a few months they were "in love". I dealt with it as best I could - but eventually my emotions spiraled out of control and I eneded up institutionalized with severe depression and attempted suicide. I have worked two years to get myself back on a stable footing - but in that episode - my husband "left me" emotionally. things have not bee the same since. We have on two different occassions started over and gotten back on track, only to find out 10 months later that she is back and we are in marital stress again. Both times previously he said good bye to her and she honored that. But both times hje went back. So here we are again - third time.

This time things are worse - I don't know that we can pull through this. I asked him to leave and he said no - he's a dad and needs to be there for his kids - if I want I should leave (not an option!!!). He hs aggreed to not see an attorney for one week - which we can reevaluate weekly and re - up if we are making progress. The only thing is - what's progress - we have no goals or plans and he refuses to give up OW and work on our marraige - he is at peace - and sees no need to change.

So what do I do - I know about it all - matter of fact the OW and I have talked several times - she tells me that he is just her best friend - but she also admits that she has feelings for him, but she won't leave her husband or children. She is working on her relationship she says. They are in counseling and are actually on a cruie this week to celebrate their 25 anniversary. But she won't tell my husband to stop calling - he fills a need that she has - he lavishes attention on her, writes poetry for her, sends her littelcards and they share a great love of music. All things Her husband doesn't do.

So - given what I know - and knowing that her husband doesn't know - do I tell him? Is this even a good idea. Does it force a crisis situation for them and perhaps break the cord?

Anyone have experience with this?

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: Jfaye ]</small>

Tons of experience with this kind of situation on this board. Not me personally, but others here are sure to chime in soon.

I say tell. Expose, expose, expose. Not only will it help end the affair, but the bottom line is the spouse deserves to know what's going on.

Tell.

dewt

You have to tell him. This is one point about which most everybody here will agree.

The affair must be exposed, especially to the people it's hurting. This man has probably been wondering for months or years why his wife has become so distant. You have a duty to tell him, and though it will anger your husband, it may also end the affair. The woman's husband must also understand that even though there has been no sex (so they say), the situation is very serious.

GC

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

It's a no brainer.

Tell!

Read WAT'S Quick Start Guidelines regarding exposure.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

tell

I think it's the late Shirley Glass, who wrote Not Just Friends (haven't read it so correct me if this is wrong), that there's a pretty simple rule in action here. If two married people of the opposite sex have a friendship, and in this friendship they discuss their marriages or tell each other things they wouldn't tell their spouses, they've crossed a biiiiiig boundary.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jfaye:
<strong>Is this even a good idea. Does it force a crisis situation for them and perhaps break the cord?

Anyone have experience with this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have lots of experience with this. The single most effective thing you can do to nip this in the bud is expose, expose, expose. There are no guarantees, but it often ends the affair overnight. It's a great idea and the longer you wait, the harder it will be to end the affair. If you had done this a long time ago, it probably would have never reached this level.

So, do yourself and your marriage a favor, call today!

Jfaye - have you read through the MB site? There is something called POJA which entails making a plan where you guys must agree on things - if you both don't agree, then you don't do that thing...could be something to help with his contact with OW - it doesn't help the marriage, is definitely not helping you, and therefore, can't be helping him...

FYI - weekends tend to be really slow here, so you may not get many answers until Monday - I'd recommend that you go through this site and read, read, read...read the posts from others as well as the articles from the Harley's..there's bound to be a lot that will relate to your particular situation, and you may even be surprised to read "your words" written by someone else who is now into recovery. If you're not getting answers to this post, just go in and "bump" it up - hit "Post A Reply" and just write "bump" - it'll move it back up the thread line.

Unfortunately, Welcome to MB!! You've found a great place with tons of helpful information and wonderful people with great insight. Please remember that this is an open forum, and you may not like all the answers you get. But, you'll be wiser for having taken all the advice with a grain of salt, and work out what applies best to your situation. It's not cookie-cutter, if it was, no one would need this site! Good luck to you, and God Bless!!

PS - the recommendation on this site is EXPOSURE! Affairs live in secrecy, and the more people that know about the affair, the faster to end the affair. And, consider yourself - would you want to be in the dark about this? The OWs H (husband) probably wouldn't either. Best way to expose: you'll need to have evidence that can't be refused...it'll have to be something that he can't come back and say you've made this up. And, don't let on to your H or OW that you're going to blow the whistle on them, she'll only go to her H and tell him about this crazy woman who's making up lies about her and her platonic friend!
Good luck, welcome to MB!

Hi Jfaye,

Welcome to MB.

Your story is SO common unfortunately.We are all going through similar,extremely painful situations ourselves.So I would suggest that you get the books SAA(Survivng an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley and also consider getting into counseling(by phone) with him.

Also,read up on all the concepts here at the top,especially about Plan A and Plan B.Right now your WH(Wayward husband) is trying to have the best of both worlds,you and his family and the OW on the side.The OW(other woman) also needs to stop calling your WH and/or taking his calls.They both are on the cusp of destroying two families and there are children involved.WAY too many people to be hurting just for their selfish self centered emotional needs.They can't have it both ways.

Plan A is not designed to last forever so even though your WH has the audacity to suggest YOU leave the home,you need to try and fill some needs he has been missing but then there is the time to cut that supply off if he will not stop contact with the OW.And I agree with the other's to tell the OWH(Other womans husband).He can be your closest ally in the fight to end this abhorrent behavior.

Keep coming back here for support.We will help you get through this terrible time.

O

Hi Jfaye

Sad to have to say welcome to MB. But at least you have come to a place that seems to give good advice & help.

I think from your h behaviour that he may not have really ever gotten over the one night stand. Yes it was years ago but because of your obvious remorse and mental state he never got to ‘finish’ the business with it all. Having not done that & at a very vulnerable time he was tempted and fell into a EA, well I hope it was only a EA, though sadly these seem as strong if not stronger sometimes than PA’s because of the fantasy aspect at least that is what it seems to be from what I have seen on MB here.

Nearly happened to my H but the potential OW was wise enough to understand my H was hurting because of my A and told him he needed a big sister not a lover. No matter what happens eventually with my M I will always be grateful to her for that. I too was loathing myself, (sometimes still do), right then and this affected our relationship and recovery period adversely. I think it did the same to yours.
In fact ours never got beyond the beginnings of recovery before he was deployed again recently. Guess we at least will have to start over.

I think your H is in a emotional fog as many here call it. The fantasy is strong and seems very real to them both. They don’t FEEL guilt because they do not think of it as ‘cheating’ , they will argue that each is providing moral encouragement etc etc etc ……total BS and I don’t mean betrayed spouse!!
Bet they would if the shoe was on the other foot. I have learnt that here if nothing else.

So should you expose ? I can give you the answer from personal experience as the FWW, the cheater. Me, YES YES YES.

I would suggest you give the OW’s spouse as much info about what is going on as you have in this case because it’s a internet A, we all hope, it may be VERY hard for him to get some truth on it. I say that because what if his wife has already said something to her H like, “well don’t be surprised if so & so’s wife emails you & me and claims that her H is having an A with me, she’s a loony……that sort of thing.

Well I do hope it all comes good eventually, stay here and you will get some wonderful advice from experienced long term MB’ers here. They do help a lot.

my best wishes

You all have options. Hard ones but options none the less.

Your H is using the kids as an excuse. The OW is claiming not to leave her H and family but she already has (ea/pa, etc).

So the rest of the body must follow.

Here's what you should do:

1. REad up here on concepts, books: Surviving an affair, His needs/Her needs (by Dr W. Harley) and the book: Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. All will help.

The fact that your H is the agressor for now shows you have tough love coming. You need to learn what that means and how to implement.

2. Go to a good MC and do phone counseling with Steve Harley. Do it within earshot of your WS.

3. Leave the books around for him to browse (when you aren't looking of course - WS like being sneaky).

4. Get tested for STDs. Even if he says he hasn't had any PA w/OW. Big hint, is he asking or buying new underwear? With all that lovey dovey poetry, those horomones are already raging. Don't assume or believe all he says.

5. Keep posting here.

6. Form you own support group.

7. Secure your finances. WS can get real nasty and often use children and security to push the BS. He may not be there yet but he c/b in an instant.

8. Most important: TELL the OW's H.
Expose the A to him.

9. Reassure your children of their love. They may be already feeling the effects of the A. Don't underestimate their feelings and don't discount it. Let them become part of your support group.


It isn't hopeless, just hard.

take care,
L.

Tell. Exposure makes it real. Remember, people involved in affairs usually get everything good and happy (fantasyland aka fog). OW obviously has not had to answer to her H for her actions-we all know how humbling this can be......TELL. Bring her into the REAL world. He deserves to know his wife has a secret life.I doubt it if her H will think it ok for another man to be romancing his W.

Recovery cannot begin until it is all out and dealt with honestly. All my best....

L&F