I have been lurking on this site for several months. Joined about two months ago, but felt my name was too revealing, so rejoined recently to new name. I have been reading and studying, (SAA, His Needs Her Needs, and a couple of online books) and visiting several web sites. I've been spending lots of time trying to learn the lingo of the site, and all those little letter things. So I hope I do this right. I am trying real hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
This is so much harder to put in writing than I thought it would be. First let me say that after reading and studying for the last 3 months, I know how I failed to nourish my M. I have totally failed to meet his ENs in at least 3 categories. I haven't really thought much about how he failed to meet mine. Maybe later.

Finally, through this site I learned I am not crazy, I am not stupid, I am not ugly, there are people who think I am smart and funny and I can make it through this. Through all of this I have tried to maintain my sense of humor. Jelly, Robbie, etc. have helped me a great deal by just reading their foolishness. By the way, I am part of Idiotville now (I will need an official position) and I am hoping through this post to find supporting and understanding people who I can vent to when times are tough, and who will help me survive what is going to be a very long process. I am managing not to LB, and often rather enjoy the game I am playing behind the scenes. I can actually laugh about some of this. But when I know they are together, I can't be still. I walk, I pace, I have to leave home and go somewhere. The pain is unbelievable. I reach frantic sometimes. But when I come to this site, I read others' posts and it helps so much. During all this, one good thing is that I am losing weight. I know now how people die of a broken heart -- they starve to death!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: starz ]</small>

Starz I am sorry about your situation. I am too close to my own d-day and I too am starving to death of a broken heart to be much help to you, but i will only say that this MB is naturally pretty quiet at weekends so don't think you are being ignored by the regulars.

I will also tell you what I have found - that is that there is more genuine love and support from the enabled strangers on here than in a lifetime of well-intentioned 'best friends'. They will help you.

God bless you. God bless us all.

Thanks, Bob. I already knew most people aren't here on weekends, but today was the day I got up enough courage to write. Thanks for answering.

Starz, I know about the weight loss. The only benefit! I've lost about 35# and I have almost no fat left. I'd like to get my % or BMI just to see...

If you're doing a good plan A and the A is exposed, you're kind of going to be there for a while, esp. if your WH doesn't plan to leave. As for exposure, I have yet to see a good excuse for not doing it. If your finances are more important than your M, then you need to think about those priorities.

You seem to be careful about your posts. Are you concerned they will be seen? You should find a way to cover your tracks if you're afraid your H will see what you're doing. Others around here may be able to give you good advice about that off-line.

Good luck to you, welcome (unfortunately) to MB, and keep posting!

GC

Graycloud,
I am a slight bit uncomfortable, but finally posted because I really needed to talk to someone. I am cleaning my history, etc. each time I am here. I was trying not to be too specific at this time, you're right. I have not hidden the fact that I visit this site until recently.
My finances are not more important than my M, although it may sound that way. I am simply trying to protect myself, since due to his fog I must look out for me first at this time. My son is also important to me, and the financial issue affects him as well. (family business, joint holdings, etc.) H is no longer an honest person, obviously. He cannot be trusted to tell the truth or do anything in an honorable manner. Therefore I feel I must put myself first. I am longing for exposure or an end to the A in some other way, because I know I can't save my marriage until it is done. That is why I am so frustrated with this limbo I am in. I knew when I posted here that non exposure would be frowned upon by the others here, but I guess you'll just have to trust me when I say that the timing of the exposure has to be up to me and my advisors (legal and other)

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: starz ]</small>

Hey Starz:

Weekends are toughest; gotta hang in there! You are correct about one thing: Who the heck needs Atkins-Diet? Nobody on this site!!! I’m down 9-10 and look like the stud I was in college! OK, maybe not quite-but I am trim & slim! Jeans from 10 years ago now fit perfect!

33 year commitment! That’s awesome. I’m not even ½ way there yet. Also; don’t worry about gramur!!! It ain't a prerequisite here as I’ve found out!

Keeping an eye on finances is good; but don’t obsess. Enough is good. More than enough is also OK if happiness is 1st. Please think about that!!!

I couldn’t help but notice the strong desire to keep tabs on H. Very normal but highly detrimental. Try to stop looking so hard at H & OW. You cannot control it; so let it go… Spend time on you. Tell us about your hobbies. Did you have any prior to M that you gave up after “I-Do’s”? (Smoking and carousing are not Hobbies!!!) Photography, fishing, barefoot water-skiing, auto racing? Come on, throw us a bone!!! You probably bowled didn’t you? 170 average? When was the last time?

SF huh??? I’m sure he said that-especially after those %&@#)*& blue pills came out. First time I took one of those, I dang near died! It got caught in my throat & I had a stiff-neck for 3 days!!!

Tell us about your unmet EN’s. Maybe it will help me with my WW. Keep Smiling.

Starz -

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Glad you finally decided to join us. It is a great place to be. We all keep falling down, but pick each other up and continue on.

It is extremely miserable when you first find out, but does get much better.

I think that almost everyone who sticks with us starts feeling better.

Stay in Plan A, and when you start going crazy, come here to vent. We understand.

Yep - 33 years. I loved him the first minute I saw him. I will still love him when I take my last breath. He has been a phenomenal husband and a great guy until this mess! Even now, when I am with him, I am completely happy (except when he lies to me or is contacting her in my presence. He thinks I don't know what he's doing.) I truly believe when the mother ship returns and brings the OLD H back, he will be a great guy again. This inbetween thing sure is tough, isn't it?
Yep, took bowling in college. Never hit 170, though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
After exposure I will be willing to share more details and personal info, but for right now, ...

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: starz ]</small>

Believer- thanks for your reply. I have read many many of your posts, and would enjoy having your insight shared with my situation. Thanks.

starz - I can encourage you that things will get better. When I found out, I turned into a zombie, couldn't do anything. I went to work, but just sat and stared a lot of the time.

Then I finally found this place, and things have been much much better, and I am enjoying life again. And WH is still living with OW.

So stay around and work on yourself, and making your life pleasant.

Starz,
Welcome to MB! I am sorry that you found this site because of the reasons for looking, but glad that you have come for the support.

Because your H's affair has not been exposed, I hesitate to give you any specific advice. You have also done your homework and know the MB principles, very good. As you said, unmet needs blossom and often lead to affairs. The need for SF seems to be #1 for most men and many of us women just don't realize that until we face the train wreck head on.

Your lack of meeting his needs certainly contributed to the issues in your marriage, but don't you for one second allow yourself to believe that it caused him to have an affair. I will assume that when you find the time to discover what your needs are, he will not have been meeting them. See what I mean? You were both in the same marriage and neither of you were meeting each other's needs. That "contributes" to the state of the marriage but in no way excuses the partner who decides to deal with it by cheating! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Can you tell this situation is near to my heart also? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

It sounds as though you have a plan to protect yourself financially and are going to let this play out in the next few weeks. When it does hit the fan, please let us know what is going on so we can try to offer some help.

We are not professionals, but most here have very personal experience with living with infidelity and can offer suggestions or just a word of compassion. We care, Ladysing

Starz*

{{hug}}

You know I'm from Idiotville, so I will not pretend to be wise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is nice to see you posting your story. It helps to vent. It seems you are very under control, good for you.

I have said to others you BS are the strongest people I have ever come to know. You sit back and allow the torture to cont. until your WS is ready to recovery your M.

I'm sorry for your heartbreak. See you in Idiotville. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

KY (Jelly)

P.S.
Fishracer, I'm inviting you to spend a day with us in Idiotville, I think you might like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
(please, no offense intended.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Believer, Ladysing and Jelly,
Thanks for your comments - I need all the help I can get. I may seem under control, but I really am not most of the time. But the ADs do help. I was not under control at all in Mid March when I confronted him with some evidence. I was shaking all over, crying, etc. He managed to calm me down and convince me I was mistaken. (Twice) I was definitely not under control on Mother's day when I found all the proof of the PA. For two weeks I was a nutcase. Thank God for my friend at work who kept me sane. That is when I started looking for help, and went to the internet. I was finally led to this site, and it seems to be the right one for me. I am studying and reading, and trying to do the right things as much as I can. I approached this whole thing by doing a great deal of thinking before I jumped in headfirst. That is why I have spent 3 months getting my ducks in a row. (Darn ducks - they just keep swimming around in circles and won't stay put!) But I am definitely not in control as much as it seems - I have real bad times. When it is bad, coming to this site really helps me. It calms my spirit to read what others post. I am here because I need support. And I know that the people here have walked where I am walking, and can help me in ways no one else might. Thanks for your answers, and your kind words. I am going to bed now - H is already asleep. I usually check the site in the morning. Sleep well, y'all. (Guess that tells you where I'm from!)

I taught Sunday School this morning. Part of the text was this:

Above all, love each other deeply,because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

And I thought - That's what Plan A is all about!

Just a thought for a Sunday afternoon.

I'll be gone for a couple of hours. Will check back later.

Starz - you suggest in several places in your posts so far that exposure is being choreographed by others and that, "Also, plans are underway to cause the two of them to break up, hopefully."

Sounds risky.

We can't help you avoid pitfalls while you attempt cloak and daggar manipulations.

If your scheme is intended to assign the "blame" for exposure on someone else, you will likely be blamed anyway.

We've pretty much heard it all and I bet your sitch is not unique. Please think twice more about delaying exposure any further and three times more about doing it in any other way than straight up honesty.

WAT-
I am not ignoring your post. Thanks for answering, by the way. I am thinking hard about what you just said. I have been informed in the last two days that OWH is also having an A and couldn't care less what OW does. So why is she still sneaking around and keeping it a secret? Or are they only keeping it a secret from me? I think it's because she is afraid of losing her children. For some time I have been aware that OWH is physically abusive to her. (That's part of how she sucked my H into her web.) I actually saw her once with a huge black eye about 2 years ago. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what he will do to her if I expose to him. What if he kills her? How would I live with that on my conscience?

starz - It is very common for WS's to insist that they have an "open" marriage, or their spouse cheats too. I wouldn't believe it.

However if you have seen signs of domestic violence, I would confront the OW, and tell her to lay off your husband, or you will be forced to tell her husband.

Starz - I understand your hesitation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starz:
<strong>I have been informed in the last two days that OWH is also having an A and couldn't care less what OW does.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who informed you of this? If it's anybody OTHER than OWH himself, don't believe it. In affairs, as in politics and war, truth is the first casulty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I have been doing a lot of thinking about what he will do to her if I expose to him. What if he kills her? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, if he doesn't care, why would he hurt her?

And she's afraid of losing her children? If her H is abusive, this is not likely and why hasn't she ALREADY dumped his butt? Anyway, she SHOULD be afraid of losing her children - at least half custody. One of the consequences of divorce - with or without an affair.

But, if you have reasonable suspicion that he may violently react towards anybody, exposure to him needs to be weighed carefully. Note I said "reasonable suspicion." Not talk or rumor spread by liars and cheats. Even if he DID react violently, you would not be the cause. Besides, it will all come out sooner or later.

What of exposure to your husband's family?

Bottom line - you are the most powerful woman on the planet to the affairees based on your ability to blow the lid on the affair. By not doing so, you are an accomplice in its secrecy.

Normally, we recommend NOT to alert the OW/OM of impending exposure to their spouse. The reason for this is simple - they simply tell the spouse of the wacko that will be contacting them about some affair. In a case like this one, assuming violence is possible, perhaps the best course is to alert OW, as believer suggests, that you will be contacting her husband. Then do it, sharing the solid evidence you have so that denial is futile. OW will have been warned and if violence is likely, she will have had time to protect herself.

WAT