My H was here all afternoon. We talked and he said he isn't sure if he wants to save our marriage or not. I'm so hurt. I just don't know what to do. He said he wants to be away so that he can build up respect for me (as if I've done something wrong) and to clear his head in order to see what he wants. I told him that I thought it would be a good idea for him to stop coming around right now. He says he wants to see if he misses being married. What is that all about????? I just can't take it anymore! I just told him that maybe it's best if we don't see each other and when he wants to see our son he can call ahead and make arrangements. Am I right in feeling this way? I just feel so lost and abandoned. He says he doesen't see how I could ever trust him again and doesn't understand why I stick around. He keeps asking me "where are you boundaries?" I'm so confuesd! I told him that I am willing to work on things and save our marriage. The trust and respect will have to be earned all over again. I just need some encouraging words and some input. He's being so mean! He says that right now he could just walk away and not care. How can he say that?????

Hey Tree:

I saw your post; then checked a little history. Married 14 years with an 8 year old son. You have a lot invested in this and whether he believes it or not; so does H. Especially with your young man coming into some important years!

Sorry that I'm not familiar; however it sounds like H is either highly manipulative or slam full of guilt (or maybe both!) At this point; and it will be hard; but don't take his words seriously. He is doing what I call "babbling emotionally" which means he's not sure if he's coming or going. Don't try to help or hurt him through this. This is a good time to just be quiet and let him talk. If he asks you a direct question; answer him truthfully, but with just a few words. If he gets abusive or disrespectful; excuse yourself and leave.

Also very hard (as I well know) but you've got to take steps toward getting a life outside of H. Spend time w/friends. Do you attend Church? There will be friends there; I promise! Talk to your preacher; be honest about your situation and ask for some folks that you can reach out to. Lastly; pray! It works. Good Luck

Thank you Fish! I am trying so hard but I get all these emotions inside of me that just want to spill out when he's around. He left tonight to go to a concert with his brother so 3 of my friends are coming over to be with me. My son is spending the night with a friend. I talked to my friends about it but not in great detail. I don't want them to know all the stuff that is going on. They all know him well too. Am I doing the right thing by telling him that we shouldn't see each other for a while???? I just don't know what else to do. He says he just can't see himself being intaminte with me...I'm sure that's becasue of the guit of the A. I guess the best I can do right now is work on me and be strong for my son. He's been really down about all of this and I worry about it affecting him in school. How do I do all of this alone????

You might try some reverse psychology here.

Typically, we always want what we can't have...the allure of being with you but not being able to have sex with you, might be a draw...

Maybe see him but tell him you think you should both refrain from sex for now.

(And then be very alluring when you are aorund him)

Tree:

Shul's right! RS absolutely works. WW took a huge emotional fall when she suspected that I had a female-friend. I do not; but I didn't tell her otherwise. At this point; it's NOHB!

I would suggest that you talk openly with your friends about it. Statistically; 1.5 of your 3 friends have been through the same thing anyway and can probably help.

Hey Tree: "Open Up a Little", Drink a glass or 3 of your favorite vino and talk to your friends. Giggle with them. That's why they're called friends! Ask them to go clothes shopping with you (very soon) and take a step (even a baby-step) toward the "risky-side"!!! Don't overdo it to where you're not comfortable, but venture down the less conservative aisles and enjoy it! Then go out to dinner with your friends and your new threads & be perceptive of the attention from men. Once you feel good about that; then time it so that WH "sees the sexy you" on your way out for the evening. It will be fun; I guarantee it.

(Hey; I'm just telling you what would work with me if my situation were opposite!) Go for it!!!

TreeReich, I don't know your whole situation but I urge you to do a search for roughroad's post regarding her sessions with SH.

For myself, I'm down this road now, though my husband seems a little more willing (still does not WANT to work on things, but is willing). I've declined the willing part because I don't think it will work unless he wants to work at it.

We're currently separated for about 1.5 months now. We live really far apart and haven't seen each other since I left, though he's coming to visit next week (and I'm scared sh*tless!!!). We do talk on the phone fairly often and email. We IM'd a lot at first, but I try not to do that so much anymore.

I got the "I've been unhappy for a long time. I've had doubts from the beginning. I do love you, but sometimes wonder if I'd be better off alone right now. I need this time to figure out if I even want to be married at all. It's not you, it's all me. Please understand that I need some space."

I could not handle no contact right now. I think I will get to that point eventually but at the moment I just can't. I can barely even help talking about our relationship still. Trying, and doing it, but it's hard.

No contact is a big step..do you feel this is something you need to do in order to keep from losing the love you still have for him?

Tree, I'm assuming your H is not living at home? Is he still involved with the OW? Just curious.

My H ended his A when I told him her or me. He had some contact for a month after she left his business. He also was IN-LOVE, or so he thought. Something that helped me was to really look at him as an alien. I remember one day I was posting on MB when he walked in the room and laid on the couch. I started writing something like, "The alien has entered the romm and is on the couch." My sick humor kicked in and I actually got some good laughs mocking both he and OWout. Of course I had many moments of sobbing too. Just don't buy into any of his bullcrap. Whatever happens, the pain does lessen. Hang in there! CV

CV
He says he is trying to avoid contact with other woman. He says he hasn't seen her and that she called him and wanted him to come by but he told her no. He's talked to her twice so far. He told me that he wansn't going to lie whenever he talked to her. He said he would be totally honest about it. I know that's good but it hurts very badly. He says he can't just cut all ties because she's human and is in love and got her feelings hurt also. UGGHHHH!!! Why is he defending her and abandoning me?????? He says that they were together for a year and he can't just change how he feels over night. I understand that but damn it we've been together for almost 17 years. I just don't understand. I'm so sick to my stomach about this whole mess. I just want my H back. I agree with you about being an alien. I swear that's what it feels like.

Tree, I was pretty hard line about cutting all ties when I found out about the A. OW was H's office manager in a small business. Just the thought of losing her in the work position, let alone the EA/PA, was freaking him out. He totally depended on her in the office. Even though I wanted her out immediately, I compromised to a month of her working there so he could find a replacement and she could train someone. It was hell! He almost folded the 1st week. I flipped out and told him if he rehired her, he will tell our teenage sons, and he can move out pronto. I wasn't cool and calm. I was crying and raging, but I meant it. Anyway, I'm not saying my way of handling this was right, I just couldn't handle being "M"ed with him in contact with the "B".

Another thing, it can take a while for the lying to stop. When she was done working for H withdrawal began, and it was bad. We want our Ss to just be over their feelings for this person who tried to steal our lives. Unfortunately I am still learning the feelings of the WS for the OP takes time to lessen. Yuck! I hate that. So I thought he was just having a terrible time that 1st month. He told me he wanted to call her constantly. He would call me instead. Swore to me he was keeping to NC. After a month he told me 2 weeks before he had called her and asked her to his business to talk. Claims it was to say goodbye. He proceeded to call her every other day for those 2 weeks until his guilt made him tell me. I remember just looking into those alien eyes and saying something like, "I can't believe anything you say. You got to be such a good lier." My H had never lied to me before the A.

When was your d-day? Has NC really begun? I would just recommend you read all the recommended books, come here for support, listen to the wise ones here, and take care of you the best you can. Get on an AD if you're not. This whole process is an incredibly rough road. I look to the recovered folks here to give me hope. In my case H's fog has been lifting, slowly but surely. Never fast enough. Take Care! CV

My D-day was very recent. July 20th!!!! It's very fresh! He swears there is NC. I don't beleive a word he says right now. He is keeping busy with his brother. They come to our community center and work out and play basketball and take my son swimming...which is something he didn't do before. That's what makes me beleive that there is NC. He's been coming here earlier after work..not like before. He's here constantly now. Doesn't say much to me but spends time with our son. I've alos been checking his cell phone bill. He doesn't know that I can go online and print out the invoice. So far...nothing. He has told me the 2 times that she called him.
My son asked me tonight if I could look up 'How to get a father to come back home" on the internet. That just about killed me. He also told my H to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me before he left the house. That tore me up inside. My son is suffering from this and I just don't know hwo to make it better for him. How could someone do this to their own child? Doesn't he realize the hurt he feels? He keeps telling me that our son will be fine and that he'll be stronger. That is such bull****!!!!!
He's in a deep FOG!!!!

Tree, take a HUGE deep breath, cause honey you are at the very beginning of this rollercoaster ride. July 20th? OH boy! My d-day, the beginning of the truth telling, was 1/8/04. I feel like I am still brand new at this whole A mess. I am just now starting to feel a bit more normal. Have you read everything there is to read about Plan A? If it weren't for MB I doubt H and I would be where we are now. Sometimes I'm kind of pissed Plan A worked so well. The thing is neither H or OW expected me to react the way I did. I'm sure that really blew OW's plans. H told me at 1st he was sorry I was so good to him. It would have been easier to leave if I was a "B" or kicked him out.

Why is your H not at home if he ended the A? More curiousity. Are you on an AD? If you are crying all the time, having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, having trouble focusing and dealing with daily life, I'd seriously consider getting on one. The hopeful thing is your H seems to be trying to be busy, so he won't be in contact with the OW. He appears to not be calling her. something is keeping him from walking away from your M. Following the MB guidelines is totally opposite of what we BSs want to do, and feel like we deserve. However, it does help the WS begin to remember what they had with us.

If you want to at least try to save your M, read and follow the MB advice. I swear, at the beginning of all this, actually the place you're at now, I wrote a post about the "Recovery Game." I felt like I was playing a strategy game, and I'd come to MB to talk to the generals. It was and still is the command center for me. Hang in there! The gift from this hell has been meeting the most incredible people here, and discovering my own strength. Keep posting. You will be OK! CV

I feel for you tree. I am going through the same thing, but we don't have any kids. My H too shows no concern for me. WHen I confronted him about the A I said if it continues I'm telling the OW's boyfriend. He said "Don't, he'll beat her up". I said she's a grown woman with choices and has to learn to live with consequences of those choices and right now I don't really care about her. He yelled "Well I DO". I asked what about me? and he was deathly silent.
Tree everyone on this forum has told me to fix myself, amke myself stronger. Make sure that I am strong enough to handle whatever gets thrown at me. DO that too Tree, we can do it together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is so hard right now I know, the hurt is very new and raw. Hang in there, your strength will give me and anyone like us strength to get through this.

It's so funny...as soon as I get up in the morning I turn on my computer and come to MB so I can lift my spirits. I wake up every morning with such an empty feeling in my gut and heart.
My H keeps saying he needs to be away from here to clear his head and to get away from the pain. I told him that he should be here to see the pain...he's the one that caused it right? I just don't know what to do. A part of me wants to just give up. I always told myself that if my H ever had feelings for someone else that I would be gone...so why am I here???? I feel defeated!!
I'm reading and trying to undrstand everything. I feel so much pressure from other people to do this and that. It makes it so hard. I know that I can't listen to everyone else but I'm being torn so many ways right now.
I wake up and go to be feeling so hopeless. In the middle of the day is where I find my strength. I feel strong and feel like I can do anything but when night falls I feel like a lost child. My son is feeling the effects of this and that is something I want to protect him from. He wants his daddy home. He told my H last night that he could spend the night with his friend so that daddy could sleep in the bed with me. It just kills me inside to hear him saying stuff like that. He's trying so hard to keep his mommy and daddy together.
Yes, I do have some AD. I was on them once before for about 6 months. I was just trying to avoid taking them but maybe they would help.
I feel for all of you that have to be here. We can all help each other. I need support!!!