Here’s the deal:

WW is home. Says EA is over, was never physical, she is sorry and wants to stay married to me. However; last correspondence with OM was w/o me present on phone approximately 2-weeks ago with plenty of “I Love You’s” and so on. WW says she is sorry that she allowed her “feelings of love” to become so strong for OM. OM lives near & I run into him often. (Small Town!) May be important to know that WW has clinical “denial” issues as told to me by MC and has also done similar things earlier in our marriage.

I am feeling; well, “indifferent” about the entire ordeal and toward WS. I fear that I do not love WS anymore and feel sure that I am not “in love”. We are not intimate. I believe WS would be intimate; but I'm just not ready now. (Which is very much unlike we!!!)

Questions for MB-ers:

1. WS “formal split” w/OM was not adequate according to MB/Dr. Harley and I agree. WS feels it is more than adequate and will not consider more appropriate action. Should I move to Plan-B? Is there a Plan-A, Rev-1? LOL

2. Should I be concerned about my “indifferent” emotion? If not for DD’s; I would be gone; however DD’s well-being is more important to me than current happiness.

3. If “love” is gone; can we get it back, given these circumstances? (Not asking for “if you want it bad enough”. More like; How many of you have been here and made a full, happy recovery!)

Thanks in Advance!

Hey Fish,

First off, I wouldn't take her too seriously unless she is willing to send him a no contact letter that is written TOGETHER and mailed by you. This is a multi-purposed gesture, to formally end the affair and to reassure you. If she isn't willing to even do that, I would not take her too seriously.

All the other stuff will come with time and I wouldn't worry too much about now.

I was very much like you in that I fell out of love with my WH. My love for him is very connected with my ability to respect his CHARACTER. I cannot love a man that I do not respect. I felt nothing but revulsion after I discovered the affair. However, my respect for him has grown immensely and I am very much in love with him now.

Anyway, don't expect much from your W at this point while she is in the throes of withdrawal. Eventually she will come around and if she learns to meet your needs, there is always hope.

Do you need any examples of no contact letters?

Yep, that's where I am at today (See my post "What has Plan A gotten me into?"). Do I really even love her anymore? The only reason to keep her now is because of the kids.

If it were only her, she'd be gone. I think I still might have fellings for her, but I just don't know.

Can or do you REALLY ever make a full recovery?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fishracer:
<strong> Here’s the deal:.....

Questions for MB-ers:

1. WS “formal split” w/OM was not adequate according to MB/Dr. Harley and I agree. WS feels it is more than adequate and will not consider more appropriate action. Should I move to Plan-B? Is there a Plan-A, Rev-1? LOL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Good questions FR. What does Dr. Harley recommend? I would recommend plan B. Why? Because anything less would be enabling her behavior. She thinks some effort should get credit as if she is doing everything right. If this is true and she can get you to give her that credit, then why should she put any more effort into recovery. Do you want to show her it's ok to do the minimal?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Fishracer:
2. Should I be concerned about my “indifferent” emotion? If not for DD’s; I would be gone; however DD’s well-being is more important to me than current happiness. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Yes but only because your taker is starting to speak up. When this happened to me, I informed the WS that if he wanted to become the H, he had to help me get there. I did not become a BS on my own and my healing was not going to be done just by me. I already did plan A by myself. Remember? He got the picture.

In our case, his coming home was a privilege, not a right. He lost his right when he lost his pants the 1st time (I just didn't find out until waaay later).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Fishracer:
3. If “love” is gone; can we get it back, given these circumstances? (Not asking for “if you want it bad enough”. More like; How many of you have been here and made a full, happy recovery!)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Yes, but it has to be a joint effort by both parties. Not lopsided effort either.

JMHO, of course.

L.

I recommend you buy the book "Surviving an Affair" by the Harleys.

It will give you lots of insight. It will explain why your WW's split with OM is NOT adequate. She says she want's to work on your marriage, great. Now is her chance to step up to the plate.

Don't be too concerned about your indifference. Your affections, love and respect for this woman have taken a serious beating. It will take time and effort to rebuild the love, trust and respect between you two.

But you can get it back. Like Orchid said, that is a two-player game. "Surviving an Affair" explains why you are struggling with these feelings and shows you how to get that love back.

Patience my friend. This is a very difficult situation and keeping your perspective clear is probably one of the more difficult challenges you have to face.

dewt

One more thing I would suggest is not acting on your feelings of indifference for at least a year. Your feelings are a result of a trauma and are not likely to be permanent. Divorce, on the other hand, is permanent.

Thanks to each of you:

Mel: Yes the character issue is a BIG ONE for me also. As for a NC letter sample; I am sure about the topics that I would “require” to be in the letter, but a sample may give more insight. So; sure, please send one. Also; please explain further this statement, not sure I understand: "One more thing I would suggest is not acting on your feelings of indifference for at least a year…" Do you mean that I should not “act” indifferent or do not worry about trying to change that particular “feeling”?

Lost at Exit 93: Glad this post is talking to you too!

Orchid: Can’t stay away from me can you??? Thx!

dewt: I’ve looked all over the place for this book and it is sold-out everywhere; which is great for the Harley’s, but not a positive for morality! Will keep looking or order online.

Fish, what I mean by that statement is please don't take any ACTIONS based on that feeling. For example, don't assume you will always feel that way and start divorce proceedings BECAUSE OF it. Hopefully, that makes more sense!

Here are some sample no contact letters:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fishracer:

dewt: I’ve looked all over the place for this book and it is sold-out everywhere; which is great for the Harley’s, but not a positive for morality! Will keep looking or order online.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fish, they sell them fairly cheap on this website and they have cheap 2 day shipping. I had my books real fast.