I soon to be in Plan B. Just as soon as the separation papers are signed-hopefully next week. She will move out shortly to be with OM halfway across the country. I am worried about being lonely. My youngest leaves for college soon and I will be all aone here. For those in Plan B how do you deal with the loneliness? I do not expect her to come back because of her pride. I do suspect that she is in for a rude awakening when she starts to live with this guy full time.

Stay busy. Reach out to friends, go to the movies, go shopping, start exercising, wash the car, go to church, clean the house, do yard work, volunteer, learn to cook. Anything, just keep busy.

My WH has been gone for over two months and the first few weeks were the hardest but trust me it does get better. I always make sure I have something planned for the weekend, otherwise I just sit around feeling sorry for myself. Are there any projects you can do around the house? Any hobbies you've always wanted to take up? Any classes at the local community college you are interested in? Any relatives or friends you can go visit (a trip to FL to visit family the first week my WH was gone, really saved me).

The key is not to sit around waiting for WW to come back, but to get out and live life and do positive things for you. Exercise and Church are probably two of the best things you can do.

Actually Plan B is very peaceful and pleasant. Start thinking of things to do to raise your self esteem.

I fixed up the house, told friends I wanted to do things with them, started a garden, detailed the car, joined a support group, and started a new business.

The more you do, the better you will feel.

The separation will be very soon be real for me. My wife indicated today at lunch that she has to do this. She was gone this weekend for a wedding that I didn't go to so I got a taste fo being alone. I missed her terribly. When she returned Sunday she was cold and distant. I know I will survive and others have suggested to keep busy and I will try. But the future looks bleak right now. I must change my attitude about this. I must change the way I think. My IC says my mantra should "i won't always feel this way". But for now I must feel these feelings and they hurt.

hopefulinnc,

One of the wisest posts I read here on the subject of what to do in Plan B...said something like this:

Consider Plan B your opportunity to be totally selfish! Think of the things that you never did, or could do, when your spouse was with you. Then do them! Learn to enjoy these days and get all those selfish things accomplished, because hopefully your spouse will emerge from the fog and return to work on your M. From that point on, your selfish days are over.

So...TV shows she didn't like - watch 'em! Make or eat the foods she didn't like. See movies she wouldn't care for.

You get the idea. Try to focus on you and make some time to enjoy yourself. Yes, you will be lonely for your W, but you are lonely for the old W, not who she is right now.

Good luck.

HINC,

I think you should listen carefully to the ladies that have posted to you. They have very good ideas. I think you are dreading the day she leaves more than anything, but HINC it will be the end of the disrespect, of her calls to OM, and her thumbing her affair in your face.

It will also be the beginning of your new life. You don't realize it yet, but this had to happen and you need to view it as a necessary right of passage for your life to move on. I don't mean that your marriage is over. I mean if your marriage is ever going to have the openness, the love and the integrity that you thought it had, your WW is going to have to get OM out of her system. And given her abilities to lie to you AND to herself, this is probably best done alone.

I think life may be harder for her than she imagines, because while OM has been in her life for 5 years, YOU have been her support for decades and she is walking away from that. It will put a lot of pressure on the relationship. At first OM will love it because she will be soooo dependent on him, but gradually that will change. She will be free to travel with him unlike his W who has the kids and that will be cool.

But, your W has been a mother a long time, and she will find the "free and easy" life empty especially since she has deeply offended all of your children and his children as well. She may not be able to get rid of who she is that well.

But, HINC, if she can, and she finds great happiness in this, it means you can find a better mate as well. I am not trying to tell you pain is not pain, I think you would be dissappointed in yourself if this did NOT hurt as much as it does.

But, have faith you will pass through this, and I think you will find many opportunities coming in your life. I think while it should not have happened it will be a time of deepening relationships with your children, with your church, your friends, and with yourself.

Hang in there, I can foresee many good things coming toward you, but as in all else in life, they come at a cost. You will be able to handle the cost.

God Bless,

JL

I have been married to this woman for 28 years and we were together 2 years before we were married. It is going to be hard to part with all of that. I know I must keep busy and get out with friends and take trips to see my children. The costs JL are very high but you are right I can't stop this. She needs to find out that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I cannot get through to her. I am working on myself with my counselor and I have started back to church. It's hard going alone. I am so embarrassed by this. Even though I didn't do anything wrong other than what I am responsible for in not making this marriage all it could be. Thanks to all of you for your support. I am dreading the day she leaves. My heart tells me to hold on to hope but my head says just what you said JL. I am breathing and taking each day one at a time. My counselor says there is no way around this only through it and I must face the challenge-I have no choice. I pray for strenght and courage.

Hopeful....

I am in the same boat you are. My WH and I have been married 32 years. Both children are grown and gone from home.

His A has been going on for 2.5 years.

I have no new suggestions for you, but have read every reply to your post, and am taking them to heart, myself.

Just started Plan B this very day. Still have some things to accomplish with this (some work place exposure, etc), but am tired of feeling like a yo-yo with his waffling back and forth between the OW and myself.

Great advice here......I'm going to take it myself. K72172

HINC,

There is one thing you need to consider. You will be in withdrawal very much like a person that ends an affair. It will take time and a lot of patience with yourself and it surely will be painful, but it will ease up.

The first few weeks to a month will be really tough if what most of the people in withdrawal state is true, but gradually it will ease up.

I am glad to hear you are going to church. I think I understand why you feel embarassed, but with time you and others will come to understand and accept the situation, meanwhile your Pastor can be a big source of support.

So sharpen your golf game, become active in your church, consider developing some hobbies and most definitely go visit your children when you get the chance.

I just wish there were something to remove the pain, but you know it is what you are supposed to feel for you do and did love her deeply. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

i am not ready for this separation. I would like more time to Plan A her but the A has taken on a life of ot self. I am however planting seeds with her every day. I am being the guy she wanted . She told me tonight thank you for being so stable through this and allowing her to express her feelings. It is one of my attributes that attracted her in this first place. I told her that I was going to savor and enjoy every second we have together this month before she leaves. Hopefully when she leaves and the OM covers these seeds with manure they will germinate and sprout.

HINY - Just because she is moving out doesn't mean you have to stop Plan A. My WH moved out over two months ago and I know I am not ready to move to Plan B. In some ways Plan A is easier when they have moved out. For me it helped to remove a lot of the emotional termoil. The constant rejection while he was here was so hard that all I did was cry, I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. Yes I was miserable when he left but not going through the constant stress helped me get my stuff together. He has noticed the changes in me and we are able to get along well when we see each other. I am hoping this will lead to something but we will see.

So if you are not ready for Plan B then don't do it.

kloe72-she is moving halfway across the country to be with OM. This will be the time to remove all the support I have been providing and let the OM provide for all her needs. I will go to Plan B when she moves out. I still don't want this but it takes two make a marriage. She will be in a strange town with her only support being the OM. She has alienated her children and her sisters. OM wife and children will also be pissed at both of them. A tough situation for her but I have done all I can to save this marriage at this point. I can't save it by myself.

Actually her moving with OM is the best thing that could happen. That will end the A faster than anything else.

She will most likely be right back. So try to work on yourself while she is gone. After you get used to being alone, it is nice. You learn all kinds of things about yourself.

You guys are so supportive! and I need the support right now. My attorney called this morning and said we could sign the separation agreement today or later in the week. I called my wife and told her this and she started to cry. We had a great night together last but this A or this marriage has got to end. I can't stand the OM in my life.

Believer-why do you say she will most likely be back? I think her stubborn pride will prevent her from coming back here. Maybe I'm wrong and I hope I am. She has been a wonderful wife to me since D-Day. I would love to have this woman back completely in my life without OM in her life. I would take her back in a NY minute if she maintained NC with OM and re-committed to this marriage.

I agree that Plan B should start the minute she steps out the door. All her consequences all at once. Better to do it that way than allow her to ease herself into the frigid waters of isolation from you and her environs.

You have timed the separation agreement well to coincide with the situation. Due to legal delays I had to wait 2 mos. after WW moved into her new house to get the agreement signed. Then plan B. It allowed her to acquaint herself with her new digs and did not have the effect on her I would have preferred. For me though, I'm all for it. Slowly but surely the focus of my day is not on her and the "let's see if I get a few crumbs thrown my way today" attitude.

I also waited too long and will really have to consider if I want that chaos back in my life if she returned. My boundaries are becoming abundant. The better I get at being alone, the more I prefer it. I also suggest setting a time limit for yourself. Don’t let the whims of your feelings dictate your actions as they can vacillate and keep you focused on how you feel about your WW on a day to day basis. The calendar frees up your emotions and will allow you to focus on you; just what Plan B is for.

I too think your WW will be back. One does not build a life, a shared history, and a family and walk away that easily. She has a warped Hollywood fantasy of her life with OM right now. Leaving home, living with him, being a pariah in her own family and losing you will sink in as the "suspension of disbelief" fades.

Let them marinade in their choices. Nothing is guaranteed of course, so get on with life for you. Have a chat with yourself and figure out what you want to be and do. I see my plan B as a hand-off to God. He is now my general contractor and will see his will done. No more effort or over-analyzing on my part. It ain't so bad.

Binder in my state there is a 1 year separation before divorce but the state she is moving to there is a 6 month residency requirement then a 60 filing notice-at least she has 8 months that she can't remarry. I am dreading being all alone. Our youngest son leaves for college in 2 weeks then when she pulls out I will be alone. I wil be grateful to end the chaos. How dow you fight the loneliness? other than to keep busy.

I'm in Canada where there is a one year separation requirement as well prior to D.

I don't have the empty nest to deal with. I get the children 1/2 time so it’s a busy life. I either work or care for kids. Right now I'm on a month's vacation and have the little ones until Sept. 1st. Very little down time.

I also like solitude, so the times the house is empty allows me to putter around, do home improvement stuff, cook, plan jobs on the cabin I'm building etc. I don't need a lot of social contact. WW needs a lot of social contact. Constantly. I'm talking one month long distance bill for 800 min. But I digress.

I am in a different life stage than you are. I'm raising my children; you are watching yours start their families and careers etc. I can say: get a hobby, volunteer, work on the house etc, but ultimately you have to sit yourself down and plan a direction.

I will tell you to get out of the house, walk, run, cycle, or swim...anything to get moving and out of the house. You need to look after your physical health and you will be surprised at how your mind will follow. You benefit in so many ways from an active lifestyle. You will feel better, look better and live better. Soon you may find you latch onto the activity and will meet others doing so. Set small achievable goals if you’re not used to it and find something you can do conveniently without a huge investment of time and equipment.

Oh yeah. Keep us posted with the progress.

My WS is cake eating. The daily conversations with the OM continue but she is balking at signing the separation agreement. Said to me this morning that this is the biggest decision of her life. I told her that the continued phone calls to OM is very hurtful and disrespectful to me. So how do I get her off the fence without this becoming an adversarial deal? She now wants her lawyer to look over the agreement which her lawyer is going to advise her that it is all one sided (in my favor). I am willing to negiotiate a fair deal but what is not negiotable is staying here and continuing the affair. I feel like I'm fixing to get screwed. But I have to knock her off the fence somehow. we have been getting along great other than the continuing affair. Like Just Learning has said I am planting seeds. I feel she needs to experience letting the OM meet all her needs. I of course haven't meet all needs in this marriage but have been stable and financially supportive and lately have been meeting her needs for conversation and affection, her top 2. Any advise from the veterans out there?