I've given up the Plan A. Well I haven't really been doing it well for the past week anyway. I was just concentrating on being a better me.

Today was my duty day... but I stayed home, I've been sick the past two days. Leaking at both ends. Even so the past two days I cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen. In fact that has usually been the rule the past three months. I'm not complaining, I'm trying to develop better habits around the house.

But today WW comes out of the bedroom, after another 3 hour nap. She is getting takeout for dinner, chicken wings. I fixed myself some soup.

Anyway .... She walks in the kitchen and begins to belittle me about putting the dishes in the dishwasher. She asks is there something wrong with me. I just agreed with her, there is something wrong with me.

WW almost never cooks, been this way for years. Cleaning... what is that.

I guess the point is I've cooked and cleaned that kitchen for the past three months and the first time she walks in and there is a bowl on the counter she acts like that?

It Just Doesn't Matter...

Not looking for any pats on the back from her, she never gave me any compliments before anyway, it would be silly to expect them now. In fact, I often remember asking her why she never has a decent thing to say about anybody.

BUT, we're getting the divorce she wants. Why the continual, non-stop, unrelenting, attacks.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WW almost never cooks, been this way for years. Cleaning... what is that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do I get the feeling that she knows that and feels like a failure.

If so , I think it would be a good thing if you give her back her kitchen. Say something like

"Yes you are right, I am not much good at this stuff. You are way better in the kitchen than me"

Or compliment her on a meal she made once, like "I really liked that chicken you made.You are a good cook. I would rather have your cooking than takeout anytime"

Positive reinforcement...

When she got home told her that I didn't think what she said was "right"

She said that might be so now, but she's always had to pickup after me for years. I didn't say anything to that. But my WW is not much of a cook, or much at house cleaning. Mind you she is a SAHM. Not complaining about the lack of cooking skills or the cleaning. I accepted that a long time ago.

It just seems so hypocritical considering her not doing anything, but acting like a saint. And she's the proud cheating spouse.

Tom -

Here is my theory on this one. Your wife is probably super sweet to OM, and that is hard to do, day after day. So she takes it out on you.

Wonder if OM is gonna like the real WW? Yikes! Hope he likes to cook and clean and be criticized.

You are gonna do just fine. Hopefully your wife will come back to the marriage. But if not, you will be a hot property for some lucky woman.

Shul, I have always complimented her cooking. I appreciate a home cooked meal just the effort to actually do something makes it special to me. I always said it in front of the kids. I wanted to set an example for them that regardless of what is served they should be thankful for it and for the person who provided it/cooked it.

Sounds funny doesn't it. I think getting a home cooked meal is special. I guess that shows how lacking my own needs have been.

Maybe its guilt that is making her so cranky?

I know that is true in my H case.

Tom,

I'm glad you said your doing it for you now. She can't see anything you do, she won't even recognize it. Your WW is consumed with her Las Vegas boyfriend. The sun rises and falls on his messages to her. I know I'm bringing you down with this, but she'll only remember this after you've been gone.

I sincerely hope she moves to her fantasy OM soon for your sake. If she ever is to have a normal relationship she either has to go to the OM or stop it now and fix her M. Otherwise your WW will just be sitting home waiting. Neglecting the kids, neglecting herself, neglecting her life.

Keep improving yourself Tom. You cant change the past, but you can change what you do tomorrow. For you and your kids. WW will have to make her own way, and I don't think she can do it.

I think Tom's WW has gone beyond fog and into plain old antisocial, malignant behavior. I'm sorry Tom, but she sounds like she needs serious help. Is she sweet and kind and motherly toward your children at all? She reminds me of the evil wife in that Steinbeck novel, uh, East of Eden.

Do you still want to be married to her? If you do, I'll take it all back and I apologize. I wish for redemption for your W. She doesn't seem to want it though.

GC

GC, how are you holding up?

my WW is quite frankly all over the place. Sometimes she is motherly and nice to the kids, but mostly cold and complaining.

She reads my posts here. I've given up the name change games. I don't care anymore. The funny thing is this GC. She told me I sure do exaggerate on here. She just doesn't realize what she is doing, or how she is acting.

I guess I can almost see why she thinks that. She expressed some observations about me in the past, that I guess I didn't want to believe, so I said she was exaggerating. Now, in retrospect, after reading and thinking, that she was right about them.

So I can see why she doesn't want to believe she has done and become what I have posted here. She is really so much better of a person than that. I think.

STD,

I do also agree she should go to the OM. Pursue her happiness. Seek all the things that she wants and deserves.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

I am the WS and i must say your post filled me with sadness. my partner constantly belitted things i did, the way i spoke, my thoughts & feelings, which filled me with more unworthiness than i already had. i would bring this to attention and he just said 'well change all the things i belittle you about and i won't complain'. throughout our process, he has continually threatened me that 'my next partner won't treat me like you do' 'if you can't be bothered to fix this then let me go find someone who will treat me good'. i had become so submissive because nothing i did was good enough. he would say 'i don't want a door mat' however in the next breathe tell me to shut my mouth because everything that came out was stupid. my partner got on a plane yesterday and has left the country probably will start to look for the 'perfect woman' and he may find her however he won't keep her because he hasn't worked on himself, he has been too focused on preprogramming me. what i had started to do before our last blow up was to nuture myself. i couldn't ask him because he wanted to nuture his pain and he would become resentful if he did too much for me. so nuturing yourself, i mean on the inside. just doing simple little things that help heal you. for me, meditation, oil baths, reading something other than 'Infidelity', something light. i did these things for me, not being selfish, not leaving the house or seen to be having fun, just chilling and i found this was giving me time to clear my head so i was able to go into heavy stuff if he needed and/or to be able to comfort him. unfortunately for me, my relationship had become beyond our capability of resolving. all you can do is look after yourself. i know it is hard to not take on board all the put downs etc however somewhere you have to find some inner belief in yourself. when you are able to nuture yourself, the other party will notice your inner strength. May God Bless you

Tom:

And Mrs Joad, for that matter.

We all exaggerate. If we're out of line, though, there are plenty of ways 2 get us back on track without exacerbating the si2ation.

I'll give you an example, and it's going 2 show you that you really can't know what's going on in your W's head, good or bad.

My W is one of the most outgoing people I've ever met. At the same time, she's been the most selfish, bitter person I've ever met.

Lately, she's going through withdrawl from RM. She's nice 2 me at times, and completely ignores me at others. A 2ple of days ago, I said "I care about you" when she was complaining about having 2 drive 4 hours for her work. She snapped "I don't EVEN want 2 go THERE." I figured it out, though. Being nice 2 her, saying ILY, kissing her, or even asking if she's interested in SF is like handling a poisonous snake - you can't read a snake's emotions very easily, and if you do something that pisses it off, you might just wind up dead before you realized what happened.

...but that doesn't stop me from doing what I know is right. And that is 2 treat her the way I'd like 2 be treated.

-ol' 2long

CMTS1964,
I feel for your situation. Early in our marriage my WW threatened DV all the time. It didn't do much for instilling a sense of security in our marriage for me. One day she said she wouldn't do that anymore. So instead threatening me with divorce she would just remind me that she promised not to do that anymore. Uh Huh.

I made a lot of misjudgements in our M, bad habits, poor communication. I did what I could with what I knew, now that I know more I can do more. I always wanted to try. She quit. She cheated. She told me she was preparing for this for years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

2Long,

Can never beat the "Do unto others..." advice. It is always the best.

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Early in our marriage my WW threatened DV all the time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W too, not WW at the time. You and I are going to have drinks someday my friend...and then taxis home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Robby, thinking your right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But no cookie dough icecream!

Believer, your always good for my ego <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Not looking forward to doing the singles scene, but at the same time getting more curious as the abuse continues.

Tom, you are a cutie! You will have no problem on the singles scene, if it comes to that.

I understand your hesitation though, I would feel the exact same way.

Tom, thanks for axing how I'm doing. Not real motivated, but getting out, getting a few things done. I'm getting fully plan-Bed by the sparrow now. Haven't heard from her in a week, since I started blocking her "evil robot" emails. All I can do now is hope the A ends and she gets 2nd thoughts before the D is final. But if she goes through with it, it's her loss, and ultimately I'm better off without someone like that. She ought to be locked up for messing around with a guy whose W is pregnant.

I can see why your WW might say we're just a bunch of sorry losers. We are a miserable lot, us BSes. But our unrepentant WSes are a lot worse off in a way. At least our souls are intact. I have no religion, but IIRC, you and your WW go to church too. Isn't that right? How does she think her Higher Power feels about her A?

You know, when I mentioned your WW was the East of Eden woman, I forgot your name is Tom Joad. Funny.

GC

Chackler,
your making me blush. But it feels good. Not used to recieving compliments, its like hitting the lottery at my house. I'm not much of a sailor, but I make a good passenger <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , maybe in 4-5 months you can set me up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

GC,
yes we go to church semi-regularly. WW has not gone in a couple months. Getting ready to go this morning in fact. Kids go to catholic school. I worked three jobs and drove a wreck of a car to pay for it. WW had to do 22 volunteer hours at the school over 8 months. She complained about it - thought I should do half. She is a SAHM for crying out loud. It's not like she had anything else to do. (other than watch TV, use the computer, and talk on the phone, because she sure didn't cook or clean much.)

I asked her last night if she would be going to church with us and she wanted to know if I'd be going too. When I said yes she just stomped away and said "nope"

Last week I worked on Sunday. She didn't go then either, so it doesn't have anything to do with whether I go or not. She doesn't have time for anything that doesn't somehow involve a HW Steve.

I think your right about yourself and the sparrow. You deserve better than that. Hopefully she'll come out of it ... I can just imagine the pain the OMW is feeling. Isn't sparrow scared of a man that could do that to his own wife. OMW is more vulnerable than any time in her life probably and OM treats her like that? Not much of a man. What could sparrow be thinking?

WW told me this morning again, that she doesn't like me talking on here about us.

She probably doesn't like you talking on here about her because it puts her and her behavior right out there..glaring at her...Fog Dwellers hate that. I also hated it when my 'real' life would cut through that fog and I could see (if only for a little while) exactly what I was doing and how I was hurting my family.
I hope that I'm not out of line saying this, but as a FWW I have to say it...as long as you allow her to continue her A and keep her family and 'reality' intact, she is going to stay in the fog...wallow in it actually. I'm not qualified to give you advice by any means, but I have been where your wife is and I'm pretty sure that the only thing that will get through to her is a good ole dose of reality. She's treating you bad so that she can justify her sin.
As far as you talking on here about the two of you...well, you are a grown man and as long as you are being honest, i don't really see how/why she can tell you not to do it. After all, if you stop writing here, will she stay and work on the M..give up the OM, etc?...probably not, so I say post away. If she can't take the truth, then she can quit reading...
JMHO

TY Dreamcatcher,

The kids are acting out. She blames it on me. Everything and anything is my fault. If it rains.... If the cable goes out ... if she can't find something. She really doesn't see how she's acting.

As far as reality. The Divorce is on the horizon. She will soon be able to be with OM. But I don't think he wants her that way. For some reason, if she told him she was coming out there, he would find some reason for her not to come. Of course, it would make sense to WW, because she adores OM.