I am the WH. I have repented, stopped talking to OW and am desperatly trying to resore M. We are separated at this time (one month) and would love to move back home but W isn't ready. I have become transparent...I have give her access to everything (email, cell phone, schedule..etc). She says it's nice that I want to restore the M but she isn't sure she does. She says she needs "space" to become independant and whole before she decides to re-invest...if she ever does. The upside is that she hasn't filed for D. The downside is the space scares me to death. I read the space as more seperation and I "want" to smother her with attention yet I know that will simply run her off more. I "know" that I need to relax, give her space and pray but the space causes me to panic inside and fear the worst. Can anyone offer suggestions/help/comfort or experience? I guess now that I have turned to her I expect her to turn to me and the opposite has happened. Perhaps my just due...I pray for GRACE. Help!

Is your first affair? How long married? How many kids?

2scared, have you tried sending her flowers and showering her with affection to reassure her? Will she let you do any of that?

2scared, I thought you looked familiar! lol! We have already discussed this all before! The only thing different I can suggest is to keep praying and hang in there. Good luck!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=030208;p=1#000000

I just want you to know that, unfortunately, your situation is not unique. Mine is very similar.

Listen to ML. I follow her. She's tough, direct and honest.

I wish you the best!

2scared,

Show your committment, show your remorse, show your love.

I'm a FWW, trust is a hard thing to earn back. I'm transparent as well, my H is loving me and forgiving me, but this road is hard too.

Is she willing to read any of books on A's, or this board???

It sure helped my H in recovery to understand the A.

KY

Thanks, robby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're welcome.

But, No, Thank You!

really... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She's not ready for flowers, calls... I started sending cards but she stopped me. She said "give me space to sort all this out". So, I'm giving space and going crazy with "what if" fears. I know I'm only getting started in the process (confessed 3 weeks ago) but patience is not my vurtue. I know I need to relax and work on me, but I keep thinking that if I give her space then she will think I'm not interested or she will detach even more.

By the way...married 27 years, 3 kids (23s 21d 19d).

2scared
I think we may be a lot alike…

You’re not going to want to read these, I know they are some of my most hated words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.
-Richard Bach

Free, free, set them free
Free, free, set them free
Free, free, set them free

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

If it's a mirror you want
Just look into my eyes
Or a whipping boy
Someone to despise
Or a prisoner in the dark
Tied up in chains you just can't see
Or a beast in a gilded cage
That's all some people ever want to be

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches
So many souls
With everything we see that we want to possess

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
You want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

-Sting

2Scared,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, I'm giving space and going crazy with "what if" fears. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wife is devestated and scared too! She doesn't know if your actions are something she can live with.

How can she be sure that this is the first time, or the last time? How does she know that you want her back because you love her or because you have been married to her for so long you don't know how to be without her? How does she know that when things get rough again or it the opportunity presents itself, you won't stray again?

Those are some of the things that go through my mind. We were married 20 years before the affair started and we are almost at 22 years now. According to WH this was the first and only time and he will never ever do it again. He had even changed everything, he is more loving, helpful, honest and more of a friend to me than he has ever been and I am still scared. Scared to trust too much, scared to relax and believe that he really loves me and will never hurt me again, scared to stay, scared to go, don't want to make the wrong decision, even though everything seems so perfect now. The wound is still there and still open.

Give your wife the time she needs. Send flower, with a simple "I am sorry and I love you" Don't expect anything in return. Let her know that you are willing to go to counseling or do anything else it will take to help her and you through this.

You risked your marriage when you chose to be with another woman. Your wife was not given a choice, it was thrust upon her. It is now her choice to decide if the affair is something she can live with or if she has to end it in order to heal herself. It is now her choice. Even if your marriage was in trouble, if she is like me, she is feeling very down right now. The affair made me feel ugly, unwanted, replaceable, rejected and like my name reflects, the boobyprize. That may not be how you feel about her but it might be how she feels about herself. Try to understand that.

Just make sure that she understands how much you love and respect her and be honest (she will know if you aren't.)

Good luck!
Cathy